I might be a homophobe, is that even possible? Well I guess it is. I was in Ft Lauderdale a week or so ago, hanging out with my friend Michael K and when I commented about something that he said he looked at me and said: “Oh, that’s right you’re a homophobe.” and I thought to myself, well yeah, I guess I am.

It’s not that I hate gay people or what gay people do, I’m a gay person and happen to like some of the things that gay people do and especially some of their body parts (I’ll try to keep this clean). I’m believe that gay guys should be able to get married, lesbians too. I believe that if I were to serve in my countries military I should be able to do so openly gay.

Let’s take a look at what homophobia is according to Wiki:

Homophobia (from Greek homós: one and the same; phóbos: fear, phobia) is defined as an “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals”,[1] or individuals perceived to be homosexual; it is also defined as “unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality”,[2] “fear of or contempt for lesbians and gay men”,[2] as well as “behavior based on such a feeling”.[3]. It is defined by behavior (such as discrimination) as well as motivation (such as fear, antipathy or contempt).[2] Homophobic is the adjective form of this term used to describe the qualities of these characteristics, while homophobe is the noun form given as a title to individuals labeled with homophobic characteristics.

So lets take a look at my record:

I auditioned and was accepted into the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington DC in 2007. I love singing and love looking at handsome guys, and I AM GAY… what’s not to love about the gay men’s chorus. Well it turns out they sing songs about being gay, gay life, gay love… even Christmas songs that are gay. I’m not much of a fan of Christmas (is there such a thing as a Christmasphobe?) but the one part of it I do like is the music, and I don’t really want to gay up the lyrics with Judy Garland, Mary and rainbows… I just want to sing Christmas music.

As my readers know, I’m an alcoholic and regularly (I use the term regularly loosely) attend 12 step meetings. I am a big book thumping, quote spewing, 12 step principle practicing alcoholic – I quit going to group therapy in treatment and don’t really want to return to it. However, I can’t seem to tolerate Gay AA (or Gay CMA that somehow ends up leading meetings) and the different message I hear there. More than a few times I’ve heard the comparison in meetings that “I drank like an alcoholic because I’m gay.” and I’m fairly certain that people drink like alcoholics because they happen to be alcoholics. We also tend to reference gay icons, movies, role models and such… not really what I thought it was about. If I snuck into a women’s AA meeting would they reference their vagina’s a lot in relationship to their disease? God I hope not.

A few years ago my friend Robert (and Mark) gave me a handful of DVD’s for my birthday, all but one of them was a gay themed movie. I cringe at even the thought of watching these movies. It may have something to do with the casting, the people that are on the cover have characteristics I associate with gay people, a look, a mannerism that really turns me off. Yes, I know how I sound and how ridiculous it is, but there it is. I sold them at a thrift sale last spring, I didn’t watch a single one. On the other hand I did really enjoy a gay themed movie from the Gay Film Festival a few years back, it was called: Cachorro (Bear Cub), a foreign film. I really liked it.

Gay Games? not really interested. Gay TV Channel? nope, sorry was bored by all the drag. Drag Queens? um, no… thanks, no… Flaming, flamboyant, extroverted… not really interested there either.

Perhaps its from growing up in the Midwest, in a small town where the types of characteristics I associate with gay people were frowned upon, teased, mocked – if so, why wouldn’t 12 years of living in DC surrounded by homosexuals of every type break this mentality. There are also characteristics that I associate with gay people that could be the direct result of living in Washington DC – I think we whine a lot, I think we are overly sensitive and over concerned with labels, colors and titles. Perhaps I’m just a homophobe.

So am I a homophobe? Probably, but I don’t think I care as long as I can someday find a husband and settle down. I’ll do my best in the meantime to keep my feelings inside and try to change my level of tolerance and acceptance… but I don’t really want to.