So I had a physical in November. No reason other than just the annual thing…
I explained to my doctor, as I do to all doctors/dentists/pharmacists, that I’m in recovery – clean and sober 13 years. And yet at the end of my physical she handed me a document to improve my health that included:
No drug use
If she was deaf, it wasn’t clearly pointed out to me, so I don’t know what her issue is.
She did notice that there is apparently a growth on my right testicle, something I didn’t notice… but now I can’t help but notice. But I wonder at this point, if she didn’t pay attention to my drug/drinking history.. is there anything to see on my testicle or is she just trying to make me paranoid… which I am now.
Somewhere in the last 30 years I’ve forgotten how to properly tie my shoes. I don’t know where the knowledge has gone or why it has left but it’s just not in my head anymore. My shoes come untied 2 – 3 times a day, this is even with a double knot.
I do realize that I spent about 5 years exclusively wearing boots – which made playing tennis interesting – maybe that’s where the knowledge got mad and decided to slip away unnoticed until now.
I do hope it comes back.
I just got back from a cruise, 7 days in the Caribbean. Not my cup of tea to tell the truth. I did not enjoy myself at all. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but certainly nothing I would do again. We had a balcony state room, which on first glance is a good thing.
But as I leaned against the rail of the balcony, my thoughts are to throw myself off. The idea is immediately dismissed, I’d be rescued in the daylight and likely be locked up. But when the thought returns at night, I know I could do it. I could end it all right there.
So the question to pose is “How?”.
How do I end up with these thoughts at 13 years sober, with the best job I’ve ever had, the best life you could wish for, a host of friends, accomplishments and tales… yet not enough to make me want to stay.
So something is wrong, maybe chemically, or spiritually, or I suppose it could be anything at all.
Now this is not me reaching out for help or a farewell note… it’s me looking into myself trying to figure out what is going on in my soul. Maybe all human beings think this way, maybe this is nothing out of the ordinary…
Maybe I should write more… 😉