You Don’t Have To Look At It

So I was having lunch with a friend the other day. Having recently gone back to my old very short hair cut, with a sad face she commented:

Oh, you cut off your hair again, why did you do that?

To which I replied: yes, I felt better with it this short and liked how I looked.

She said: Well you don’t have to look at it unless your looking in the mirror.

Which really has just managed to get on my nerves over the last few days… I know, I know… I’m not supposed to let things like this bother me anymore, but this is typical of this friend. It’s not just me that she talks this way to I’ve heard her talk to her children and other friends with the same disregard for their feelings.

I guess after a while I just want to avoid hanging out with this person and just trying to remain friendly without getting close enough to be insulted again. But what kind of a friendship is that? Not much of one at all, but certainly less passive aggressive attacks – so maybe its worth it.

Health

Have I mentioned how much I hate the gym? no… well, let me tell you: I really hate going to the gym.

I don’t know how people can go and “enjoy” or “love” going. All I ever feel when I go is uncomfortable.

But I need to get healthy and lose weight, so

I bought a rowing machine. I actually kind of like using the rowing machine and its in my bedroom staring me in the face (Just came yesterday). So now I’ll get to use it, hopefully.

Lost on the Spiritual Road

When I was thrust into sobriety (it wasn’t my idea I swear) I hated the concept of God. For years the whole notion of this gray haired figure in the sky condemning me for all I had done wrong or for what I was led me to just not want anything to do with “Him”. Hate begets hate I guess.

I recall that in my youth when my biological mother was in the hospital on numerous occasions I entered the hospital a few times and prayed to the god of her understanding and asked that God to make her well. That just never did happen – but I underestimated the depth of her sickness, it was all in her head.

So when I found something to hope for in AA I made a deal with God as others understood him: “If you can make me as happy as this kid (long story), I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.” That’s just what I did for the next few years, my interpretation of his message through AA is what I tried my best to do.

Fake it til you make it – that’s what they say in AA. Pretend to believe until you really believe. But what do you do if you’ve faked it for a few years and maybe here and there found moments of time that maybe there could be a something out there, but probably not. What do you do when you know in the deep recess of yourself that there isn’t a talking snake.

That’s just part of it. I can honestly say it’s been years since I’ve looked forward to going to a meeting, years since I’ve come from a meeting thinking to myself “I needed that.” Dangerous.

In April of 08 Suzanne and I were at a meeting in NY and I wasn’t at the meeting. I was marking off the things that they were doing wrong, I have no idea if it was a good lead or if the message would have been helpful – I was buy taking the meetings inventory.

I keep looking and listening for the fundamentals of recovery that, well that I used to believe in. How are all of these people that I see staying sober in what I consider group therapy? I have no idea.

Tonight I went to a meeting near my office, there is still a glimmer of hope in my head that there is good AA out here and when I find it I will feel better about everything… but it wasn’t what I would consider to be a good meeting for the most part. One girl talked about someone showing here a page in the Big Book with a prayer that she found helpful – I was shocked to hear it.

I subscribe to the Grapevine, an AA speaker of the month CD club and read my Big Book fairly regularly. I go to one meeting a week, sometimes (like this week) I force myself to go to more than one – but I don’t want to anymore, and I find that its more of a chore than anything else.

The three sides of the old AA triangle are: recovery, unity and service

So if I only have one, all I have is a very flat plateau I guess – I’m going to take a few steps to see if I can repair this, I’m not sure that I can… bless them, change me – I recently heard in a meeting.. well, sometimes you have to change yourself, and I guess it’s time.

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