When I was thrust into sobriety (it wasn’t my idea I swear) I hated the concept of God. For years the whole notion of this gray haired figure in the sky condemning me for all I had done wrong or for what I was led me to just not want anything to do with “Him”. Hate begets hate I guess.
I recall that in my youth when my biological mother was in the hospital on numerous occasions I entered the hospital a few times and prayed to the god of her understanding and asked that God to make her well. That just never did happen – but I underestimated the depth of her sickness, it was all in her head.
So when I found something to hope for in AA I made a deal with God as others understood him: “If you can make me as happy as this kid (long story), I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.” That’s just what I did for the next few years, my interpretation of his message through AA is what I tried my best to do.
Fake it til you make it – that’s what they say in AA. Pretend to believe until you really believe. But what do you do if you’ve faked it for a few years and maybe here and there found moments of time that maybe there could be a something out there, but probably not. What do you do when you know in the deep recess of yourself that there isn’t a talking snake.
That’s just part of it. I can honestly say it’s been years since I’ve looked forward to going to a meeting, years since I’ve come from a meeting thinking to myself “I needed that.” Dangerous.
In April of 08 Suzanne and I were at a meeting in NY and I wasn’t at the meeting. I was marking off the things that they were doing wrong, I have no idea if it was a good lead or if the message would have been helpful – I was buy taking the meetings inventory.
I keep looking and listening for the fundamentals of recovery that, well that I used to believe in. How are all of these people that I see staying sober in what I consider group therapy? I have no idea.
Tonight I went to a meeting near my office, there is still a glimmer of hope in my head that there is good AA out here and when I find it I will feel better about everything… but it wasn’t what I would consider to be a good meeting for the most part. One girl talked about someone showing here a page in the Big Book with a prayer that she found helpful – I was shocked to hear it.
I subscribe to the Grapevine, an AA speaker of the month CD club and read my Big Book fairly regularly. I go to one meeting a week, sometimes (like this week) I force myself to go to more than one – but I don’t want to anymore, and I find that its more of a chore than anything else.
The three sides of the old AA triangle are: recovery, unity and service
So if I only have one, all I have is a very flat plateau I guess – I’m going to take a few steps to see if I can repair this, I’m not sure that I can… bless them, change me – I recently heard in a meeting.. well, sometimes you have to change yourself, and I guess it’s time.