The Number One Offender Is Also the Number One Reason I Can’t Sleep

Resentment. Rethink, Re-feel. It’s the three “R”s and they are not a good thing.

You’d think that after such a long time of knowing how these things affect my mood, sleep, day or night that I would be more wiling to use the tools that I’ve been taught. But NO. Last night I was up most of the night thinking about what “they did” and how I can “get even”. I’m not even mean enough any more to do the things that came into my mind about getting even.

It is hard to let go I guess. Hard to realize it doesn’t matter what they do or say and if I didn’t let it it couldn’t possibly affect me. I was lying in bed last night praying for God to remove the resentments so I could go to sleep, but I honestly knew that they were half-hearted prayers. I get some weird kick out of holding on to these resentments – the 12 X 12 says we exult in some of our character defects. We get off on it. This is so true for me. Praying that “that bastard gets everything he deserves” is apparently not an effective prayer.

So it is nice that the email wasn’t sent out yesterday. Perhaps with a few prayers and meditation this morning (and a ton of coffee) we can think clearer and just let this slide off our backs. I have to remember that keeping my side of the street free from anger and the brainstorm is going to keep me sane… well saner.

I have to remember that what the book says:

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. – Page 64

I don’t want to let this guy and his company get me drunk, they are old news.

I heard an AA talk yesterday on the way to the office (this was before the resentment flared up) and the speaker talked about being on her way out, pissed off and about to buy the bottle that would start her down the path all over again when the thought occurred to her that if she drank she’d have less time than her AA “rival” – it was funny, guess you had to hear it. Anyway, if I continue to let these things affect me so it’s possible I could have less time or that I could become the asshole that I used to be.

God save me from being angry, this is a sick man, how may I be helpful to him…. – gritting my teeth.

Changes

So why move all my blogs to WordPress and rename my blog? Well mostly because Gmail would not allow me to assign a new Gmail account to my current blog on Blogger. But there are other reasons to..

  1. I’ve been reading several blogs recently ON WordPress and it looked pretty spiffy.
  2. I like all the extra bells and whistles
  3. I decided on a domain name
  4. if you’re going to change your name and everything else in your life you might as well go all the way

So here we are a new blog address, a new blog site provider and hopefully a ton more stories and rantings for everyone to read.

Coming Out

For the past few days I’ve donated my status on Facebook for National Coming Out Day to say the following:

“Jamez Ronald Prudlick is gay. There are 3 days until National Coming Out Day and I pledge to have heartfelt conversations for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality.”

I think providing resources to people that are interested in coming out of the closet is very important, I didn’t have knowledge of resources when I first came out and they could have made the event much less traumatic. At 27 years old I still had plenty of old ideas about what being gay meant and I was terrified that if I came out I might be more susceptible to AIDS, become a creepy guy that always lived alone and was avoided by the general public, that my wrist would have to be a lot more limp than it currently was and I could look forward to a life where I was considered wrong. (A lot of that comes from growing up in the Midwest in small towns and some of it comes from lots of poor gay role representation on television back in the day).

I “came out” to my two best friends in 1997. I asked them both out to dinner to “discuss something important” and let them know I was buying – probably a big clue that something was up as I was poor. The days and nights leading up to the dinner were filled with restless sleep, doubts, upset stomach… it was horrible. My mind kept asking the same questions over and over: What were they going to think of me, would this be the end of my friendships and would I be outcast and ostracized by them for being a sexual deviant. Why did they need to know anyway, why does anyone have to know? If I’m careful maybe I could just keep quiet about it and be fine. What if I just haven’t met the right girl (OK, I didn’t really think that last one, but I think the thought is funny.). I hadn’t even come out to people in my 12 step meetings, I didn’t know who I could trust or who would just hate me outright for something I had no control over.

“the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” – FDR

My friends were understanding, loving, and terribly worried about me as I had stressed the hell out of myself with needless worry. They said they knew, and had probably always known and “can we have dessert now”? The two most important people in my life had accepted me unconditionally and that meant the world to me. Wow!

That really didn’t make it any easier for me when I decided it was time to tell my family. I had less irrational fear for this event, but still had a bit of worry that I would lose the family that meant so much to me. I did work myself into a little bit of stress, but when the time came Ma and Rhonda were both very patient and understanding. Yep, they had known all along and it didn’t matter to them one bit. My Ma said that when I find him we will both always be welcome in her home – which is just about the most wonderful thing she could have said to me at that moment. My Ma’s one hell of a cool lady.

So during the time period that I’ve been lending my status to the National Coming Out Day campaign a close minded, Fox News watching, Wisconsinite “friend” from when I was a kid posted “it’s only 6 more days until coming out day is over and all the faggots go back in the closet.” Having had endless arguments with this person and his wife about President Obama’s birth certificate, equal rights, and other trivial matters I decided this person could be un-friended on Facebook and it would probably be for the best. That person and their attitudes towards gay people is even more reason to help support gay people during their coming out moment and to be open to talking about the issue when asked.

If you’re in a closet somewhere afraid to come out, try to remember what FDR says above. It’s not always a pleasant experience and there are examples of people that don’t understand why I have to come out and of people that have broke off all contact just because of it, that is their right. Hopefully you’ll have understanding loved ones that can support you and show you that it’s going to be ok – that no matter what they’ll always be there for you. I hope and pray that your coming out can be as wonderful a release for you as it was for me.

There is a lot of love out in the world, a lot of understanding too, don’t let the flares of ugliness deter you from trying to enjoy life to it’s fullest extent – there is hope out there, hope that all people can be equal in our great country and that someday men and women of all ages, that happen to be gay, wont have to live in a fear filled closet.

I’m a homophobe?

I might be a homophobe, is that even possible? Well I guess it is. I was in Ft Lauderdale a week or so ago, hanging out with my friend Michael K and when I commented about something that he said he looked at me and said: “Oh, that’s right you’re a homophobe.” and I thought to myself, well yeah, I guess I am.

It’s not that I hate gay people or what gay people do, I’m a gay person and happen to like some of the things that gay people do and especially some of their body parts (I’ll try to keep this clean). I’m believe that gay guys should be able to get married, lesbians too. I believe that if I were to serve in my countries military I should be able to do so openly gay.

Let’s take a look at what homophobia is according to Wiki:

Homophobia (from Greek homós: one and the same; phóbos: fear, phobia) is defined as an “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals”,[1] or individuals perceived to be homosexual; it is also defined as “unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality”,[2] “fear of or contempt for lesbians and gay men”,[2] as well as “behavior based on such a feeling”.[3]. It is defined by behavior (such as discrimination) as well as motivation (such as fear, antipathy or contempt).[2] Homophobic is the adjective form of this term used to describe the qualities of these characteristics, while homophobe is the noun form given as a title to individuals labeled with homophobic characteristics.

So lets take a look at my record:

I auditioned and was accepted into the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington DC in 2007. I love singing and love looking at handsome guys, and I AM GAY… what’s not to love about the gay men’s chorus. Well it turns out they sing songs about being gay, gay life, gay love… even Christmas songs that are gay. I’m not much of a fan of Christmas (is there such a thing as a Christmasphobe?) but the one part of it I do like is the music, and I don’t really want to gay up the lyrics with Judy Garland, Mary and rainbows… I just want to sing Christmas music.

As my readers know, I’m an alcoholic and regularly (I use the term regularly loosely) attend 12 step meetings. I am a big book thumping, quote spewing, 12 step principle practicing alcoholic – I quit going to group therapy in treatment and don’t really want to return to it. However, I can’t seem to tolerate Gay AA (or Gay CMA that somehow ends up leading meetings) and the different message I hear there. More than a few times I’ve heard the comparison in meetings that “I drank like an alcoholic because I’m gay.” and I’m fairly certain that people drink like alcoholics because they happen to be alcoholics. We also tend to reference gay icons, movies, role models and such… not really what I thought it was about. If I snuck into a women’s AA meeting would they reference their vagina’s a lot in relationship to their disease? God I hope not.

A few years ago my friend Robert (and Mark) gave me a handful of DVD’s for my birthday, all but one of them was a gay themed movie. I cringe at even the thought of watching these movies. It may have something to do with the casting, the people that are on the cover have characteristics I associate with gay people, a look, a mannerism that really turns me off. Yes, I know how I sound and how ridiculous it is, but there it is. I sold them at a thrift sale last spring, I didn’t watch a single one. On the other hand I did really enjoy a gay themed movie from the Gay Film Festival a few years back, it was called: Cachorro (Bear Cub), a foreign film. I really liked it.

Gay Games? not really interested. Gay TV Channel? nope, sorry was bored by all the drag. Drag Queens? um, no… thanks, no… Flaming, flamboyant, extroverted… not really interested there either.

Perhaps its from growing up in the Midwest, in a small town where the types of characteristics I associate with gay people were frowned upon, teased, mocked – if so, why wouldn’t 12 years of living in DC surrounded by homosexuals of every type break this mentality. There are also characteristics that I associate with gay people that could be the direct result of living in Washington DC – I think we whine a lot, I think we are overly sensitive and over concerned with labels, colors and titles. Perhaps I’m just a homophobe.

So am I a homophobe? Probably, but I don’t think I care as long as I can someday find a husband and settle down. I’ll do my best in the meantime to keep my feelings inside and try to change my level of tolerance and acceptance… but I don’t really want to.