Damaged Goods

I’ve talked a bit about EMDR therapy and today during therapy I cried… not bawling, just some tears. I can manage to hold back and just let tears fall, if I could stop that I would.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. We focus on the trauma and then either move your eyes or have other stimulation that uses both sides of your brain… I’m not describing it well here. ugh. Continue reading “Damaged Goods”

The Journey Out of AA – so far

It’s been a little over five months since I published my story “Walking Away from AA” where I talked about my decision to leave Alcoholics Anonymous after almost 22 years. I stated then that I didn’t have a desire to drink, but I had a desire to be more honest and truthful with all aspects of my life.

Being sober – living a life without drugs or alcohol – is for me. It’s a cheaper life, more enjoyable and less messy… things I need and want. Belief in a “higher power” or “faking it until I make it” aren’t for me, I can’t live that lie anymore. I gave it a fair shot – lying for AA, lol.

So what’s changed really?  Continue reading “The Journey Out of AA – so far”

Learning by Repetition

In college I took Psychology as one of my classes, I didn’t really have any desire to be a psychologist I was just filling up class space with something that I could tolerate. I only wanted to take English classes, but somehow I had to take math, computer science and welcome to college too… It got me on the Deans list so I guess that’s ok.

In preparation for my class I purchased my books ahead of time and then read a few chapters into each class before the first week of school – I wanted to be prepared. For my English class I don’t think we even referenced it the whole semester, but it was still good for me.  Continue reading “Learning by Repetition”

What’s Going On In My World

A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.

Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.

I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.

I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.

A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.

and I woke up

I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work…  Continue reading “What’s Going On In My World”

To Get Off Or Not

I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.

First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that.  Continue reading “To Get Off Or Not”

Passing

In 2014 I took and failed the exam for insurance licensure in the state of Arizona 4 times… I kid you not… 4 times. Three of those times I scored 68% (you need 70 to pass) and the last time was under 60 if I remember correctly… ugh

You can only take the test four times in a year… and then you have to wait one calendar year from the last time you failed. That was last October that I was eligible. I was in a class for The Hartford at the time and not feeling at all like that was going well either.

I was pretty overwhelmed by the entire notion… I was going through some shit last fall though so I’ll forgive myself I guess. Continue reading “Passing”

Voting in 2016

I can’t remember if I ever voted when I was drinking, 18 – 23… can’t imagine why I would have bothered to. But I’ve voted in every election since I sobered up in 1994. Voted once or twice for a Republican in a local race if I thought they were the better candidate… would again too.

This election though I don’t know if I even want to. I was very excited when Bernie was in the race – it reminded me of the hope and energy of Barack when he first launched. I wanted… I want more change in Washington and even though the road for President Obama was met with obstacle after obstacle he still got major things done that have given me opportunities I otherwise wouldn’t have. I do believe that most of the hate he faced is a race thing – they say it’s not but that’s certainly what it looks like… if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …

I wouldn’t vote for Trump for sure… I mean the guys a loud mouth racist… and apparently half the country wants that in a President.  He’s not the guy for me though – I like intelligent, caring people that want to move the country forward. I think he’s more of a “look at me, aren’t I cool” kind of guy… and I think the country has enough of those already. Continue reading “Voting in 2016”

Untitled Story

The water gushed into the streets of the town. Cobblestone streets and large block buildings with oval spires  began to fill with dirty liquid as the flow overwhelmed. Sloshing of waves hitting walls and belongings being swept away could be heard throughout. The force of the rapids took out doors and low windows, small vehicles were lifted into the wash to crash into buildings moments later spinning down the new river as it took it’s toll.

Bodies floated like jetsam among the deluge – all ages. The coming didn’t discriminate. Occasional screams of those trying to hold on were heard above the roar of the waves. Tears on their faces indistinguishable from the water that surrounded them. Panic stricken they found no hope, shelter or solace.

The sky was alit with a purple fire, with bright cascading comets entering the atmosphere in a dizzying array of fireworks. Sonic booms followed by more screams erupted amongst the other sounds.

In the center of the town stood a beautiful white church upon a impeccable lawn – alit with flames consuming it entirely. The wood hissed and cracked as the flames licked slowly up the outside. A bright orange stain on the dying world alive with flames. The water that gushed into town seemed to part before – unwilling to quench the flames that ate away at it.

They came then – sloshing through the streets knee deep with water. Pulling rafts behind them littered with bodies. Each creatures’ face had traces of bloodstains, their sharp teeth smiling an evil grin as they waded through. Guttural laughs from the oppressors as they’d pull another lifeless body into their collection. They’d be fed for days after this harvest – but they would miss the fear that generated after this assault – a fear that fed them as much as the humans flesh, feeding them a crazed energy they so deeply craved.

As night approached and the seeming comets littering the horizon faded the screams of the humans came to a stop. Creatures feasted now, before purple bonfires – a ravenous feats where flesh and bone were stripped with razor sharp teeth and soon consumed.

This was just a small town, other parties had feasted on larger takes and were off to the next already. One small planet would feed them for a brief while but soon they’d be off to find the next.

Gun Violence Reminder Update 7/2/16

Screen Shot 2016-07-02 at 7.00.49 AM

I’m going to post this regularly and watch as it grows until we have sensible guns laws.

Source: Gun Violence Archive

Continuous Self-Improvement

I was talking to my boss the other day about motivation, self-improvement, staff and such. We’ve discussed these topics before – I think we both agree these are important goals.

He mentioned that he was reading the biography of Benjamin Franklin currently. Mr. Franklin didn’t finish school, he learned the hard way – because he wanted to. Benjamin would dedicate 5 hours each week to reading, not just anything either… he would read something different than what he was working on – so he didn’t just read about newspapers or how to discover electricity (they didn’t have “Discovering Electricity for Dummies back then) but things outside his regular wheelhouse.

It’s a good idea – I read a lot actually but mostly stuff I love and work in. Insurance magazines, accessibility information, comic books… but it’s much better to expand my horizons and expose myself to something new once in a while.

So I thought I’d start tonight to try some more continuous improvement – but not with books… I decided each day I’m going to watch at least one TED Talk.

The tag line on TED.com is “ideas worth sharing”and I’ve watched a few over the years…

  • Amanda Palmer – The Art of Asking (a while ago, her husband talked about it on his Tumblr so I checked it out) interesting, I liked it
  • Stanley McChrystal – Listen, Learn… then lead – not what I was expecting but good lessons about leading, failing and not becoming failures
  • Paola Antonelli – Why I brought Pac-Man to MoMA video games as art, if you’ve any doubts about the beauty of video games subscribe to World of Warcraft for 30 days and see some amazing stuff… I’m sure there are other games just as beautiful

I watched a few others that don’t stand out in my mind at the moment… but the bottom two were for tonight and I’m thinking I can watch at least one tomorrow too.. Let us see what these great minds can share with me.

I’ll also likely pick up the biography as it sounds interesting. I had just read an article on Mr. Franklin’s schedule not that long ago and now RBU mentions it… so I think that’s a good indicator of what I should read next. Many moons ago several people talked to me about the Kite Runner in the same week so I read that, well worth it too.

If I find some phenomenal TED talks I’ll share em here or on social media.