Helpless

Last week I received news that one of my best friends had tried to take their own life – thankfully they weren’t successful. Afterward, it was discovered that the suicidal thoughts had been growing more insistent in the last few weeks; they had been struggling with some issues for years; and they had kept it all to themselves.

My first reaction to the news was one of fear and anger mixed with a lot of confusion – how did it get to this point? Then I would wonder how I had failed at the position of “best friend” if I couldn’t see how much they were hurting and how desperate they were for help. Then again wanting to punch them in the face for trying such a cowardly act as this or tears coming in sheets down my face for the thought of this world without them.

It’s hard to sit half a country away and know all this is happening to someone you love, it’s harder still to know even the family and friends that are there with them are as helpless as I am, as befuddled, fearful and angry. I worry about the family, they are my family and I just don’t know how they’re going to get through this… then I remember God.

I remember that I wouldn’t even have these people in my life if it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t even have my best friend still alive if not for His grace, his love, his support.

Knowing and letting go are two very different things… and I’m still struggling a bit with the letting go. Still wondering how we got to this point and what we can do to get out of it.

It wasn’t that long ago that I found myself wanting to jump off a balcony ( See Here) and end it all, and things were going pretty well for me at the time. I guess I don’t understand how depression works, how suicidal thoughts can get so prominent in our heads that we can’t see any other way out of situations.

If you find yourself in a situation where you think suicide is the only option, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

1-800-273-8255

There is always hope, always another way, always someone who loves you in the darkest of situations that can offer you a helping hand, a hug, a heartbeat.

Unsettling

To be honest with you I’ve dumped guys for quite a few shallow reasons. Reasons that some friends have suggested were worth overlooking if the other parts of him were acceptable. I’ve disagreed on numerous occasions – which is why I’ve been single so long probably. However, if I’m going to invest in something long term I certainly don’t want a flawed version.

For the record I’ve dumped guys for the following reasons (just a small sampling, the whole list is much too long):

  • Bad breath – Once is perhaps understandable, twice is unforgivable but everyday, all the time is a deal breaker
  • Obsessions – one particular guy was very obsessed with Christmas – tears everyday, it was just overwhelming
  • Angry Penis – you know the kind red, bulbous, throbbing. I really need this thing to look happy, not pissed off that I’m interested in it.
  • Odd penis – it bent the wrong way, looked droopy and sad – as I said earlier, this thing should look happy that I want to spend so much time with it – I’m happy, shouldn’t it be happy too?
  • Odd first name – I’m not going to tell you what it was, but I couldn’t find myself whispering it, or moaning it or even calling to the kitchen
  • Sick Dog – this one proves I’m heartless, I didn’t know the guy that well and helping to take care of his sick dog while he was traveling just didn’t fit in my plans (he also had a small penis – the sick dog was the last straw … no, it wasn’t quite THAT small)

Now I’ve heard people talk on both sides of the coin: settle or don’t settle. My Mother had been married 8 (it’s a guesstimate some were questionably done) times by the time she died and I really have no intentions of following her path to matrimony. Why on earth would you want to go through that so many times, that most of the guys ended up being real losers was a testament to her picker. She should have stopped at number two, all her children had been born at that point. For all I know the men actually wanted to marry her, but that seems odd to me, would you want to marry someone that had been married 5 previous times? 6?

I’ve been fortunate to have lots of guys fall in love or lust with me. A few have become obsessed with me, one is a stalker and the police have been notified. I don’t know what I do that has this effect on them, but it really does happen. If I could have found a way to turn it off I likely would have. In most of those cases I’ve not fallen in love with them, I faked it for a while but kept looking for that spark that I hoped would be there and it just never arrived.

Others told me that the spark was a myth, that it didn’t happen that way and I should try to look at love more realistically. That I should have given some of those guys more time or another chance. Truthfully, I didn’t really want to, once I set my mind to the end it’s the end.

So I refused to settle. I still refuse to settle. If he’s going to be mine until the end of time, I want him to be just how I want him.

Good things come to those who wait. I found the guy I’d been waiting for. I got my spark, he got his. He says he loves Christmas, this doesn’t bother me, he likes the Wizard of Oz, which does bother me, but he hasn’t insisted that I have to watch it with him (don’t get any ideas). We’ve just started our journey, but we’re both very hopeful for the future.