End Of the Engagement Woes

Even planning to get married is expensive, I’ve put down $1,600 in non-refundable deposits since October. He fronted deposits for other things as well, but I don’t recall the amount right now.

For the reception I booked the San Francisco Marriott Fisherman’s Wharf, I put down a non-refundable deposit of $900. That guaranteed me rooms for 50 nights (10 rooms on Thursday, 20 rooms on Friday and Saturday) at a special rate ($160 a night) and the ballroom. I thought that was a pretty good deal…. until I tried to cancel the reception.

That bill is $12,989.44. I seriously said WTF when I saw it. So first I emailed and asked for explanations and was told: The contract I signed says that if we cancel for any reason I’m responsible for paying for any revenue they wouldn’t get for the rooms and the ballroom. So reviewing the contract with my boss, it does kind of look like I should have read it better than I did. So we drafted a letter that basically said:

This letter is being provided in accordance with Section Five: Cancellation/Modification and Section 7.5 Dispute Resolution.

Due to unexpected and unfortunate circumstances, it was necessary to totally cancel this event. Accordingly, notice was formally given to the hotel on April 21, 2011.

Considering that notice was given more than 60 days prior to the scheduled June 25, 2011 event and prior to the May 27, 2011 cut-off date for room reservations, I request that we mutually agree to cancel our contract without penalty.

In addition, I request that you refund my $900 deposit as, in accordance with 4.1 Deposit, it was provided solely for the purpose of securing the room block which has been released back to the hotel more than 60 days prior to the event.

I thank you for the opportunity to have scheduled this event and am both sad and disheartened that it will not occur as had been anticipated.

I should note here that on April 22, the hotel started to phone the guests who had booked rooms to let them know the event had been cancelled and if they still wanted their room they would have a new rate of $239 a night. Some of these guest hadn’t heard yet that the wedding was off so I received frantic phone calls asking what was up.

The hotels sales manager contacted me back and said: awww, that’s too bad. When are you going to pay us our $12,989:

I am very disappointed to hear that you will no longer be having your event beginning on June 23, 2011, with us at the San Francisco Marriott Fisherman’s Wharf.

As I am xxxxxx xxxxx direct supervisor, I asked her to forward all questions regarding your contractual obligations to me so that I may answer you directly.

Per the points that you address in your letter to us – please note the following:

1.) We did receive formal notice of your intent to cancel your event on April 21, 2011. In your letter, you imply that this date is relevant to your cancellation obligations. The date of cancellation, however, has no bearing in section 5.1, which outlines your cancellation fees.

2.) Your cancellation obligations are outlined in your contract dated October 20, 2010, in section 5.1, entitled “Group’s Cancellation”. Pursuant to this paragraph, “100% of all estimated revenues” are owed to the hotel at time of cancellation. Additionally, the definition of “estimated revenues” is listed in this paragraph. I believe that xxxx has sent you an invoice outlining all liquidated damage fees, totaling $13,889.44.

3.) We have applied your $900 deposit to the above total, making your current outstanding amount owed at $12,989.44. I see that in your letter you request that we refund this $900 deposit to you. As xxxx mentions below, pursuant to section 4.1 of your contract, deposits are “non-refundable”.

4.) As you mention in your letter, the cutoff date for your attendees to obtain your discounted Group Rate was indeed May 27, 2011. This date, however, has absolutely no relevance to your cancellation fees. All cancellation obligations are outlined in section 5.1.

5.) You reference section 7.5, Dispute Resolution in your letter. We too always prefer to have contractual questions first addressed through informal means, versus immediately pursuing legal opportunities. So I appreciate the opportunity to address your questions and clarify your contractual obligations.

Please let me know if there is any further clarification you require as well as your estimated timeline of payment.

So I asked her if she didn’t think she could resell the rooms, to which I was told

We have had this space blocked off for your event since October of 2010.
Thus, we have turned away multiple opportunities from groups looking to
contract both the guestrooms and function space.  Now that we are only
two months away from your originally scheduled date, however, we do not
anticipate being able to resell this space at this time.

So, first I said, “it’s Gay Pride weekend in San Francisco, I think you’ll be able to sell the rooms” then I said: “Could I resell them on Craigslist? I know I could sell them”. Apparently not:

It is a violation of our contract with Marriott International to allow
anyone other than an approved Wholesaler, with a registered Wholesaler
license and tax-exempt status, to “re-sell” guest rooms.

So now I’m not sure what to do, I’d rather not think about the wedding at all, but these folks want $13,000 for rooms and space I can no longer want to use and am sure will be resold at a higher rate. I’m running out of options here and am looking for advice on what to do. One person told me to file bankruptcy, but I’m really not a fan of doing that. I just really don’t think I should have to pay for something that 1. I’m not going to use, 2. will be resold at a higher rate, and 3. reminds me that I was going to get married.

*sigh*

Still Confused After All These Days

Last night I dreamed that he wrote a long email to his friends and cc’d me to let them know the reason he decided to call it off was because I didn’t have good earning potential and that he really didn’t like cats after all. Seeing as how I’m not really sure what his reasons were these reasons seems about as sane as any other.

I’ve been asked over and over again if there were any clues to this coming, what happened, and what happens now. It’s been suggested to me that I help clear up some of that so folks will have a better grasp of everything.

He arrived on Saturday and I really didn’t have a clue that anything was really wrong until Tuesday. In fact I would say Monday was one of the best days ever and he had expressed having a really great day as well. We had dinner with two friends on Monday night and after those two friends knew we were deep in love – so did I.

I had printed out a DC marriage license and suggested that he fill it out as he has better hand writing – and I found it odd that it sat there from Saturday until he left. That was the only big thing that should have given me warning that something was up.

We didn’t argue about anything major, nothing that’ll really knock your socks off… some of it had to do with Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Cleanliness, neatness, vacations, and the definition of a relationship. He seemed to think that I needed to watch all the TV shows that he watched, and do all the things that he wanted to do.Part of his vacation plans each year are one week in NYC and one week in San Francisco, and I suggested that we might need separate vacations – not just because I’m not a fan of San Francisco – as I would only have 2 weeks of vacation a year at a new job (hopefully) and I’d like to enjoy that time. This was apparently the last straw for him.

It seemed to me like he wanted me to like all the things he liked and do all the things he did. I told him that wasn’t reasonable and that a marriage wasn’t about me just fitting into his mold, but us making new molds together. His argument was that if we were together I should have a good time regardless of what it was – my retort was that if I took him to the dentist I’d still not have a good time. He just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.

Full disclosure here – he had expressed interest, when we planned this trip here, to go see the monuments. I was very clear that this wasn’t something I had any interest in doing. I’ve toured the monuments every time a friend or family member has come to visit and they really don’t do a thing for me – He’s been to DC several times and had seen them before. I suggested that he do this while I was at work, but he was adamant about it and I finally gave in and went with him. I was NOT over-joyed, but was a good tour guide, I pointed things out he might not have known about (the FDR and it turns out he hadn’t ever been) and talked about the cherry tree’s and we got to see the MLK Monument construction. I only complained during this tour after what had to be the 25th photo of the Washington Monument. As we left the Jefferson Memorial I reminded him that he wanted to see Dorothy’s Shoes – and he said it wasn’t important, so we headed home as we had a play to see that evening.

At this point I really don’t think anything is wrong, the previous night we had a minor tiff and both apologized to one another and slept like normal people. But he’s apparently been holding on to somethings (including not seeing Dorothy’s Shoes, having to vacation in Maui with me for my birthday…) which he’s about to bring up. So we had the same argument again basically and then walked in virtual silence to the play. I really couldn’t tell you if the play was good, it might have been had he and I been talking to one another.

On the walk home he finally started to talk to me and said he didn’t know what to say. So I opted to talk and it went something like this:

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I think I have to tell you something.” me

“I completely agree” him

“You don’t even know what I was going to say” I say and look at him, I can kind of tell what’s coming but can’t really believe it. “I think you should go to New York yourself this weekend and figure out what you really want.”

“I don’t want to marry you.” he says

We’re still in the street on the way to the house and it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face… but I say: “Ok”

When we get to the house I tell him to sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep on the couch. I text my best friends to let them know what’s happening and try to get some sleep.

(it’s Thursday) In the morning I heard him finish packing and I offered to print his Amtrak ticket info for Friday, he said “that would be nice” and I did so.

When I cam down stairs and handed him his Amtrak info he looked at me and said:

“Please don’t stay in touch, I’m not at all interested.”

Really, that’s how it happened – I’m really flabbergasted. I’ve cried quite a bit, I’ve had hours of lying in my bed trying to sleep and entirely to many hours thinking and replaying the whole thing. I keep wondering what I really did wrong or what the truth is, as none of this seems plausible at all. Several people have pointed out that it’s better we discover this now instead of waiting until I was fully immersed in TX.

How am I doing? Well, I’m still pretty screwed up about the whole thing. I’m really tired of all the phone calls and texts from friends, yes I know they do it because they love me and they know it annoys me so I know that brings them joy. 😛

I’ll get through this and move on to better and brighter things and maybe some day I’ll discover what really happened here… but apparently not today. 

Watching Trainwrecks

The most looked at posts in my blogs history were “No Relationships for the first year...” (176 total views) and a close second was “the Wedding is Off” (145 views) April fools day post. No other posts come close to those counts, everything else is under 80. You’re a bunch of sick bastards! 😛  It reminded me of one of the Matrix movies when the machines said they had tried to give humans a utopia to live in – but it kept failing. That’s cause we need conflict and drama and it probably explains why there is so much crap TV, we like garbage and suffering.

Here I should post that it’s nice that so many of you care and have called, emailed, texted and Facebooked me your concerns over the past few days. um, thanks

I’m trying to look on the bright side of things, here’s a list:

  1. I can now buy that new iMac
  2. I can now buy that new iPad 2
  3. I get to keep my job, and let me tell you I have a great job
  4. I get to keep my apartment and roommate (which pleases Mouse too)
  5. I don’t have to visit San Francisco – ever again if I’m lucky
  6. Dancing with the Stars will never be on the TiVo
  7. 100% less Barbra Streisand music played in the house
  8. no more worrying about where I can eat with a vegetarian

That’ll have to do for now, I’m sure I’ll think of more good that came out of this… later.

No Relationships for the First Year… or 16 years

I will be the first person to point out to you that the “stay out of relationships for the first year” rule in the fellowship is NOT in the book. I’d also be one to argue that it’s none of anyone’s business what you do or don’t do outside of the suggestions in the book. Of course that was before I had any real romantic relationships – and it’s so much easier to balk at rules when you have no real experience. The reason for the rule is based on experience, the people who came before us discovered this the hard way and have tried to save you from experiencing the same pain and regret that they went through.

Speaking for myself a relationship at year 16 had me very much focused on him and the relationship instead of the usual things (praying, AA, friends, family) and I guess that’s partially ok, but there needs to be some balance in there. Some of my normal routine things; Wednesday night calls to Pat, Suzanne’s AA birthday, praying – just slipped by and though I regretted those instances it helped me to understand the unwritten rule about relationships.

So when it all started to unravel I guess I wasn’t really prepared and my spiritual footing is not very firm at the moment. Today, after some tears and old tapes playing in my head I actually had a desire to drink. I would like nothing more than to drown the feelings that have taken up residence. That’s honesty for you.

I did go inside myself and turn that switch off. No tears now, no obsessing, no regretting. We’ve made our choice and one of us is probably happier that way and both of us are probably better off. Very unhealthy way to deal with your feelings, and I really don’t recommend it, but I know that I can survive without that switch on.

I could take this time to get into what happened in detail and go over ever word six different ways, but I’m a little to close to it to be objectionable about it and he’s never been happy that I would talk about him on my blog.

I’ve been in touch with my support network, a lot of people are worried about me, I’m not really interested in talking right now (or texting, or emailing or anything like that). But I have the tools available to get through this and I will.

A lot of people have already purchased airline tickets and reserved rooms. The rooms can be cancelled, usually without cost and the airline tickets will likely be good for one year after the cancellation date – depending on how bad the airlines are screwing people over this week.

My apologies to those of you that were looking forward to the wedding and were happy that I was not my malcontent self. What’s that saying? Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all… yep, it was certainly worth it.

Invitation to the Royal Wedding

By now some of you have received your beautifully designed invitation to the Royal Wedding. Some of you have responded via the self addressed stamped envelope and that is very appreciated. You have no idea how much coordination goes into planning this kind of a shin dig and RSVPing with the provided materials is so very helpful. Sure phone calls, emails and telling the couple in person is a nice touch, but they went to the trouble of putting a stamp on the envelope, not only to help fund the Post Office, but to make each attendee counted on all the official forms. At the very least you should send it via mail and be counted like most of the other common folk. Bill and I are working diligently on the wedding details and head counts are very important in this phase of the planning…

What’s that? There is another Royal Wedding? I hadn’t heard – I’ve been so wrapped up in contacting you to get you to actually mail the RSVP that I haven’t had time to notice other Queens getting hitched.

What’s that? oh, those Royals… well sorry for any confusion.

Sure our attendees wont be heads of state or celebrity soccer stars, but it will be during Gay Pride week in San Francisco and really doesn’t that sound a whole lot more fun than a bunch of photo hogs … well I guess SF Pride has those too… My point being everyone who’s anyone will be in San Francisco for my special day. At least I hope so, it’d be nice if they actually RSVP’d. Why is this such a big deal for you folks? The card  saying yes or no is there, the envelope (which is stamped and addressed) is included – how hard can it be to seal this thing and drop it in the mail? The Post Office needs work folks, help them out here.

Some people, who shall remain nameless, begged and pleaded for an invitation to the wedding and then promptly declined. Like I knew you would Julie Zielger!  Oh… sorry about that, I forgot. She still managed to drop the card in the mail and if SHE can do it, really anyone can do it.

If you haven’t received and invitation at this point chances are you probably aren’t going to get one. I’m sorry but there is only so much room and only so much food I’m willing to purchase. I’d be grateful since you don’t have to fly all the way to San Francisco.

One of the most often asked questions is “Can you legally get married in California now?” and well, the answer is no. There was a time in California when same-sex couples could marry, but people who think the Church should be able to decide what’s legal have put a stop to freedom of love – temporarily. Bill and I will have to fly to Washington, DC after the ceremony in San Francisco to be legally wed in our nation’s capital… that is unless that is the next thing on the Tea Party’s chopping block. Well, I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to pull it off without a hitch… so to speak.

For those of you that weren’t invited, once again so sorry to hear that you wont get to come, I’m hoping to get a webcast of the actual ceremony and I’ll be posting that information when it’s available… see, you don’t have to dress up, don’t have to fly all the way across the country and you can watch from the comfort of your own home.. unless something entertaining is on.

Freedom of and from Religion

In Washington, DC on a Sunday morning you cannot purchase alcohol until after 10:00 a.m. Do you know why? Because the churches want to make sure you attend church – where it is legal to drink from the blessed cup while your eating flesh. This is the alcoholic in me speaking, but it does kind of irk me that religion has its influence on a law. Restaurants in DC can be fined for serving alcohol before 10:00, but it’s ok to go to the church and drink up. (Yes, I know it’s only a sip of blood… er wine.)

This isn’t the only place that churches influence the laws in our country that supposedly practices freedom of religion. The First Amendment:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

This doesn’t actually scream out to me that churches need to stay out of policy and law – but I think that’s what it means. Check out this Wiki article and see what others are saying: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Establishment_Clause_of_the_First_Amendment

As it stands right now the Catholic and Mormon Churches (among others) are opposed to same-sex marriage, and homosexuality is a sin in their eyes. According to them the only legitimate place to get fucked up the ass is in the back of the church and then only if your under the age of consent.

To the Parishioner who continues to put money in the plate each Sunday or monthly or annually. I want you to look at what your contribution to the Pedophile Pimps is paying for:

Catholic Church Sex Abuse Settlement ($166.1 Million)- March 25th, 2011 : http://www.youralaskalink.com/news/Catholic-Church-Sex-Abuse-Settlement-118693789.html

Catholic Church 2007 ($660 Million) : http://www.voanews.com/english/news/a-13-2007-07-15-voa6-66567222.html

LA Catholic Church ($250 Million): http://www.americancatholic.org/news/clergysexabuse/

Bishop to seek Treatment: http://www.monstersandcritics.com/news/europe/news/article_1631904.php/Bishop-in-church-sex-abuse-scandal-leaves-Belgium-for-treatment

This list goes on an on, so please don’t think that the money you contribute to your local church stays there – it doesn’t. It helps pay the moving costs of the monsters you let near your children so they can find new victims.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says I should be tolerant of the religious – but it also says that as children of God we crawl before no one. I’ve been commenting lately on Facebook and Huffington Post on the failings of churches, religions and their chosen leaders. I didn’t initiate the attacks, I’m just fighting back against the hate spewing, intolerance of them. I’m considering adopting a motto for myself: Hate the Christian before they can hate you.

Recent Church Leader Scandals:

Joe My God: http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2011/04/this-week-in-holy-crimes_10.html (there really IS enough of these for a weekly version)

Eddie Long: http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/103798754.html (I’ve seen the texted photos)

Falwell and Robertson: http://www.snopes.com/rumors/falwell.asp

Yes, these people are human and have faults – perhaps they should quit tossing stones at others.

Name of the Past

So this morning I was fretting about having to update my résumé, which I’ve been procrastinating about for a few months now, and a thought occurred to me:

“How do I address my old name in my résumé and references?”

Wow, that’s a monkey wrench I hadn’t thought about. For those of you out of the loop, I officially changed my name from James Jody Appel to Jamez Ronald Prudlick in September of 2009 to honor my Pa who passed away in 2008 (wow, it seems like just last year 😦 ). I did everything by the book legally and paid all the fees for such a thing to happen.

When it comes to referring prospective employers to my résumé and or references most of those employers wouldn’t even know I had changed my name. An odd position to be in and if I were an employer hiring folks this situation would make me think twice.

Perhaps I could hint to new employers during interviews that I’m in the witness protection program and not at liberty to explain the circumstances? Nah, there must be an easier way to address this.

I don’t know if contacting past employers would be the route to go … it’s a conundrum.

If nothing else, it does give me a legitimate excuse for not updating the résumé at the moment…. 😉

The Wedding is Off

I’m fighting back the tears this morning and still can’t quite believe that we’re over. I thought he was the one and that we’d spend the rest of our lives together, but now… I just don’t know. I thought he loved me, why would he say he loved me if he didn’t.

It all started with the music the DJ asked us to pick out. I thought for sure I knew he’d be picking lots of songs that I wouldn’t really like but could tolerate. Sure enough there was some Barbra Streisand, Broadway  songs, Baby Got Back – those I could live with and he was able to reasonably explain to me why they mattered to him. But it was the other songs that I just couldn’t imagine having played for our wedding day.

I was first shocked that he wanted this one:

No self-respecting groom wants to hear or see this at his wedding and we’re both grooms. I just couldn’t grasp the two of us out there dancing to this ridiculous song. This is supposed to be a celebration of our love and he was turning it into a farce for YouTube. I have to stop and cry again, I am going to miss him so much. I put my foot down on this song, I said there was no way I wanted it at our wedding reception, but he wouldn’t give in. He threatened to make me watch clichéd movies that gay people love (What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, The Wizard of Oz, Blades of Glory,  From Justin to Kelly, the list goes on and on) once a week until I agreed

I could tell he was mad at me and I was really disappointed in him, our special day reduced to a Chicken Dance. I took a deep breath and said a little prayer asking God to help me through this minor issue, but then the real surprise came.

I was also really not interested in this choice:

Then He showed me the tux he is wearing at the big day. It’s hideous. I thought he had such class and style but then he goes and picks this? I know that he has some 80s parachute pants in his closet that he hopes will come back in style, but I thought the rest of his fashion sense was in a better frame of mind.

I had picked a classic tux with a nice red tie and he decides THIS is what he’s going to wear, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to be ok with this. I realize that this is from the movie Dumb and Dumber, and I know he studies Film, but i just can’t…. I just can’t.

We’re gay and there are certain rules about these kinds of things – if photos of him in this got out they might revoke his gay card and send us back to the closet.

I said no way in hell could he wear that down the aisle I was marrying a handsome smart guy not Wayne Newton. I tried to explain to him that I’d put a lot of time in effort into not being a Bridezilla about the whole thing and that this was one thing I couldn’t get past. He started screaming at me on the phone, spouting how I’d gotten everything I wanted in the wedding and he just wanted this one thing. I screamed back, I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help it.

After several minutes on the phone he said that he wouldn’t relent, I begged and pleaded with him, but you know how stubborn he can be. He finally gave me the ultimatum that if he couldn’t wear this tuxedo then he didn’t want to get married at all.

I said “Fine” and he said “Fine” and we hung up.

I’m crying again, are we really this stupid to let fashion end it all? Seriously look at that picture and tell me you could do it. *sob*

Bill, if you’re reading this please come to your senses. These things really don’t matter in the long run, it’s you I love and your fashion sense that I’m having troubles with. Perhaps we can get you some help, there must be a 12 Step program out there for this type of thing, I’ll ask around the Gay AA meetings they know all about these things.

Please Bill, reconsider these choices, we could still live happily ever after, you just might have to wear your odd clothes in the spare bedroom alone, where no one could see you.

Please pray for us, this is a very hard thing to get through. I thought he loved me.

 

OK if you’re tuning in later in the day, yes this was an April Fools posting. Bill and I are still very much in love, and even though he is now threatening to buy a powder blue tuxedo for the wedding, we will be married, as planned in June! Thanks for all the clicks and messages.