No Relationships for the First Year… or 16 years

I will be the first person to point out to you that the “stay out of relationships for the first year” rule in the fellowship is NOT in the book. I’d also be one to argue that it’s none of anyone’s business what you do or don’t do outside of the suggestions in the book. Of course that was before I had any real romantic relationships – and it’s so much easier to balk at rules when you have no real experience. The reason for the rule is based on experience, the people who came before us discovered this the hard way and have tried to save you from experiencing the same pain and regret that they went through.

Speaking for myself a relationship at year 16 had me very much focused on him and the relationship instead of the usual things (praying, AA, friends, family) and I guess that’s partially ok, but there needs to be some balance in there. Some of my normal routine things; Wednesday night calls to Pat, Suzanne’s AA birthday, praying – just slipped by and though I regretted those instances it helped me to understand the unwritten rule about relationships.

So when it all started to unravel I guess I wasn’t really prepared and my spiritual footing is not very firm at the moment. Today, after some tears and old tapes playing in my head I actually had a desire to drink. I would like nothing more than to drown the feelings that have taken up residence. That’s honesty for you.

I did go inside myself and turn that switch off. No tears now, no obsessing, no regretting. We’ve made our choice and one of us is probably happier that way and both of us are probably better off. Very unhealthy way to deal with your feelings, and I really don’t recommend it, but I know that I can survive without that switch on.

I could take this time to get into what happened in detail and go over ever word six different ways, but I’m a little to close to it to be objectionable about it and he’s never been happy that I would talk about him on my blog.

I’ve been in touch with my support network, a lot of people are worried about me, I’m not really interested in talking right now (or texting, or emailing or anything like that). But I have the tools available to get through this and I will.

A lot of people have already purchased airline tickets and reserved rooms. The rooms can be cancelled, usually without cost and the airline tickets will likely be good for one year after the cancellation date – depending on how bad the airlines are screwing people over this week.

My apologies to those of you that were looking forward to the wedding and were happy that I was not my malcontent self. What’s that saying? Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all… yep, it was certainly worth it.

7 thoughts on “No Relationships for the First Year… or 16 years

  1. I’m so sorry hon. I know we are only online friends but I want you to know that I care and I wish there was something I could do to take away the hurt and the pain you must be going through. Stay strong, pray, and find yourself again.


  2. I’m so sorry, Jamez. I can relate to not wanting to talk about it yet. Just know we’ll all be here for you when you’re ready. I’ve been down this path before, both in sobriety and before it, so if there’s any experience there that might benefit you, it’s yours for the asking.


  3. I love you, Jamez. You are a wonderful person and a good friend. May I quote a friend of mine: “Take a deep breath!”. Couples fight and have disagreements all the time. If it is meant to be, then it’s the working through the disagreement that brings one closer together. Please take your time and let things settle and come back to this. You are in terrible pain and I am so sorry. I wish that I could take it away. Please know that I am here and willing to sit and listen. Hugs, kisses and peace!!!


  4. Dear Jamez;
    I’m so very sorry, be strong & know that there are so many people out there that are there for you when you are ready. Yes it is better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all. You are in my thoughts, Much love to you my friend.


  5. Jamez,

    I wish I had magic words to take away the pain but there are none. You have my deepest sympathy, my love, and my desire to surround you with light. You are one of the kindest, gracious, and giving people I have ever had the honor of befriending. I cherish you. When you hurt, I hurt. I am here for you whenever you need me.




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