I have depression. Or sometimes I think depression has me.
There was a snafu with my medications getting refilled and I’m now on day four of no medications that treat my depression. Boy oh boy a rollercoaster ride for sure.
The good news is my medications are on their way and I might be what I consider normal within a few days. My doctor for this is, of course, on vacation so another doctor stepped in to help get my stuff filled.
I can’t sleep, super tired, can’t manage to get to sleep. One of my medications helped me sleep actually and now without it I’m struggling. When you don’t sleep there are direct results that include mind fog, irritability and of course exhaustion.
Yesterday afterwork I just started crying for no reason, bawling like a baby. Couldn’t stop, nor focus on what was making me cry just was crying. I hate crying.
I’m also in general irritable, grumpy and sad.
Looking at it I wasn’t aware that the depression, like alcoholism, still stays where you left it. It is in the same powerful state it was when I started my medication journey some twelve years ago. Without the drugs to keep it at bay it will rear its ugly head and take over my brain.
My depression comes with dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts and wanting to surrender to whatever it is. It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but then I start to relate to it and want to get comfortable there. It’s wild. I’m not at my darkest yet, I fear that’s coming.
I have taken action and reached out not just to my doctors and the medical team that take care of my mental needs but also to friends. I’m trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that this is temporary, even if it seems like a long time.
At the suggestion of ChatGPT I texted 988, the depression/suicidal hotline number available to anyone. Chatted with a rep for a good while and found it was beneficial.
Depression is a trap and it can grow comfortable and make you not want to leave. I have been in much worse spots than this and can get out of this one too. I just need to keep reminding myself it’s just a little longer.
Today, I will do my best, which includes helping other people in an attempt to stay out of my own head, similar to what I’d do in Alcoholics Anonymous if I were close to a drink. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and hopefully medications.
It was the end of the school year in 1985 in Whitehall WI. I had broken into my grandmothers locked room, rifled through it and maybe scraped together 20 – 25 bucks to spend on beer. She had had enough, rightly so, and called social services to deal with me. My mother had had enough of me too and that’s why I was living with my grandma.
Social Services of Trempealeau county came and escorted me out of the home and took me to a group home in Eau Claire for the weekend. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and just did my best to get by, no issues with the group home. Just a scared teenager with no direction. Come Monday morning my case worker came and we drove from Eau Claire to Galesville. I don’t recall any conversations that may have happened on the way, but I was probably told that I had made my last screw up,
We arrived at a long brown house at the end of town. I had a bag full of my belongings and carried that with me. When we entered the house I saw an old man and woman in their living room. The man was in a t-shirt and was dirty as if from work and the old woman was sitting in a rocking chair knitting.
That was my introduction to Ron and LaVonne Prudlick, my Pa and Ma.
We quickly went over some rules and expectations and they showed me to my room. It was early afternoon and the other foster child, Steve, wasn’t home yet. The case worker left and I settled into my room, I lay on the bed and was scared, unsure what might happen next.
That first night I remember crying and just laying there in fear and uncertainty.
Ma and Pa invested in me, taught me responsibilities. Gave me chores, allowance. Made me get myself up for school, do my homework and eat with the family at the table every night. I believe because of their discipline, love and attention I graduated from high school.. sure I wasn’t top of the class, but I made it.
Flash forward to me being a regular drunk – they loved me even then. They’d pick me up when I was in trouble, dropped me off at treatment and even picked me up when it was done. Never did they not answer the phone when I called, never did they give up on me.
After I found sobriety and made my amends with them all they wanted to “make it right” was for me to stay sober. The love wasn’t conditional, it was based on what was best for me.
I was preparing to move to Washington, DC and stopped by to say good bye to Ma and Pa. I remember the big hug from Pa and Ma telling me that I always had a home no matter how far I traveled. She also said “if it doesn’t work you can always come home”. Home was always there.
When I came out of the closet a few years later there was no judgement, no condemnation; just love and Ma saying it didn’t change anything. There was that unconditional love that they always gave to me.
When Pa passed away suddenly, 17 years ago, I was a mess. It was a big loss and this person I had always expected to be there was suddenly gone. I made changes after that loss, made sure I would always go home for Christmas and other visits when I could afford to go to. Just to make sure I didn’t miss a moment.
This last year we learned that Ma had liver cancer, stage four. I flew home. Ma and I talked about life, death and what we should expect. I made sure she knew that I loved her and would be there for her.
We had our last Christmas together this past year, we were living in the moment. Ma wanted that. She didn’t want special treatment or people to be sad. She wanted us to treat every day like it was just another day.
Then Rhonda let us know about 4 weeks ago now, that Ma was declining. I had just talked with her days before and she was fine. They had told us when it started to go it would go fast. I changed up a flight I had scheduled for July and headed to Wisconsin. I was planning to stay a week and get all the extra time in I could, I ended up staying an extra week and helping out.
When I first arrived Ma was walking, talking and perfectly fine – within days she declined. In that two weeks it was rapid downward trend. When I left she could barely walk with her walker, we had her in a wheelchair, and she had started to lose her finer motor skills.
When I said goodbye I got a big hug, I squeezed as tight as I dared and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too.
It was a week later that hospice said she would go very soon, she clung onto life for three days just sleeping and Saturday morning she was gone.
I lost my Ma Saturday. She was my Ma for 40 some years. She taught me so much about how to be a good person, to not judge others and how to love. Ma is what I think of when I think of love and what it truly means. Unconditional total love.
This week I’ve been focusing on others, staying out of my own head. Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I respond the same way – as best I can, considering. I have support of a lot of people – specifically my sister Rhonda, my best friends Suzanne and Eric. My job has been so accommodating and I have the most understanding boss. My sponsor Flo also has reminded me of lessons that I needed to remember, he’s my sponsor even thought I don’t go to AA any longer, he’s another one of those humans I talk about later.
We’re having the funeral on Tuesday, that’s what she wanted. She helped plan everything out and chose anything we presented her with. We may cry and be sad and that’s alright. We will suit up and show up and greet all her friends and acquaintances from her life. We will remember all the good times and share stories.
I used to chew my fingernails, did for as long as I can remember. Then one day I realized I stopped. No conscious decision was made, I didn’t make it a goal… one day I looked down and my nails were long. When I clip them now sometimes I clip too short and then they look like they used to when I chewed em.
Stopping other things haven’t been as easy for me. It took me two bouts in treatment centers before I found sobriety, and then it was AA that paved the way for me to find a solution that worked. I’ve not had a drink in almost 31 years now and for the most part I don’t think about it at all. Sure when someone has some rum the smell is appealing, but I don’t feel the need to take a drink myself. Avoiding certain situations that might put me in danger of a drink is normal behavior for me. Friends are sometimes concerned about drinking around me but it doesn’t bother me. What does is if they get stupid drunk, stupid drunk is no fun for anyone.
When I quit smoking 20 years ago, I was all set to quit on January 1 – I bought the patch, the lozenge, the gum and a hypnosis tape to listen to. When the 1st came around I quit without any of those things and was just grumpy for a few weeks. To this day I still have dreams about being a closet smoker, it’s weird. I can’t stand the way smokers smell today, can’t imagine being that smelly for as long as I was.
At work I would order a milk shake every day after lunch, got pretty expensive but I did it every day. This year for my New Year’s resolution I quit shakes, that was kind of hard to give up the sugar rush I had every afternoon, but so far I’ve been free of them. It was an easy change to make, but I still get the occasional craving for one after lunch.
I’m sure I have other bad habits that I could attempt to change, but none come to mind right now.
In my bedroom there is a nice sized Superman collection; memorabilia, action figures, statues, paintings and more. On Facebook I saw a queen sized bed set that was Superman, but I felt like that might be too much. One thing I don’t want to quit is my love of Superman.
I’ve been a Superman fan forever. Read a ton of his comic books, seen all the movies, watched all the cartoons. It’s the things he stands for an his goodness that I like so much.
There is also a story – when I was working at Children’s National Medical Center for a grant that served kids that were terminal; one of the patients made his way up to the 6th floor to see his favorite nurse. When he passed my desk he saw one of my Superman figurines and looked to see me, with hair and Clark Kent glasses. That kid became convinced I was Superman.
Whenever Donnell would come for his appointments he would ask to see Superman and I would get to “fly” him to all his doctor visits. People started calling my Superman and it kind of stuck. Donnell was a great kid.
I don’t have the muscles, the spit curl, or the cape – but I try to do as he would do. I help, listen and bring hope. When I think there isn’t anything I can do, I look for something positive to bring. It’s corny, but it works for me.
This summer a new Superman movie is coming out. I’m already planning to take the day off after opening night so I can catch the midnight showing.. What I’ve seen of the new movie looks very good, especially like Krypto and how he’s being portrayed. The actors and actresses all appear to be good fits for the story. James Gunn has a lot of characters slated to be in this one, I hope it isn’t over crowded and too complicated. I also hope the story isn’t rushed. Mr. Gunn has done a great job on other movies so I have high hopes.
If I find another habit that I want to break; whether by self-discovery or someone else pointing it out. I’ll do what I’ve done before and use my super power, of doing the right thing, to make sure I succeed.
Superman inspires me to be a better person. Always has. Hopefully always will.
Around three months ago I was approached by a friend, he wanted to have dinner. I asked if Indian was okay and he said it was. We met at my favorite Indian restaurant on a Wednesday night and had delicious food. I just thought he wanted to have dinner.
He then started to tell me about the mess he had gotten into – he was using heavy drugs, couldn’t stop and was doing some rather dangerous ones and dealing with some sketchy characters.
I’m pretty open about being clean and sober, talk about it, post about it and celebrate it. So he knew I was someone who might be able to help. I was mostly a drunk when I was using – lots of alcohol and a few drugs when they were available.
He talked about his drugs of choice and what it was like for him. He was concerned with how he was presenting himself and if others had noticed him acting strangely. I was honest with him – yes some people had questioned his behavior and demeanor. He didn’t like that he was obviously showing signs of the drug use. Then he pulled up his sleeves to show me track marks and told me how bad it really was getting.
I have a friend or two in N.A. and I got him hooked up with them and a good meeting and he promised to go. He did reach out to the members and attended a meeting, where he rambled on and on for a few minutes but wasn’t very coherent, I’m told. He wouldn’t go back to the meeting, see he had a history of attending N.A. before and had had this demon to fight in the past, but it had reemerged and was winning this time.
My friend kept on telling me he “knew what to do” just needed help doing it, but he wouldn’t use the only tools I knew to use – meetings, program and fellowship. He continued his downward spiral and again asked me for help.
I talked to him about the Employee Assistants Program (EAP) at work and how we could get some help. That they may be able to find him a facility to detox and get better with help. He was on board and we worked with the bosses, EAP and got him lined up with a treatment center. He was hesitantly on board with treatment, he’d done it before though and had some old ideas that were keeping him from being fully committed I think.
He did a couple weeks in the treatment center and left early. He couldn’t be around those types of people and couldn’t relate to their problems, he was different. One of the things they talk about in A.A. is how thinking your case is different is a way to get yourself killed.
My friend took some common steps that we see in addiction – he did a geographic, thinking if he moved away from the problem it would help. He thought keeping busy with work would help. But he had the dark web and access to anything with the click of a few buttons.
He called me Friday night for some help with a work problem. I paused my game and tried to help him. He told me he was “in Costa Rica for a tattoo”. That’s the last I heard from him.
Today we were told at work that he had died. There were no details released yet but I have a few theories. There were many tears shed.
I left A.A. a few years ago. I haven’t regretted that until today when I was ruing over the steps I had taken to help my friend and if I had done enough. Even wondering if I was just so out of touch with recovery now that I couldn’t reach my friend with a message he would hear.
My friends assure me there wasn’t anything more I could do, that I did the right things and led the way for a solution, a way out.
I am sad and mad about my friend. He was so young and so crazy full of life. I never knew what bullshit would come out of his mouth but I would usually laugh. We had opposing political views but could converse about issues without losing our shit. He had this deep desire to love other people. He loved his toys and his friends.
I’m sorry that he found himself on a dark journey, I know it was hard for him to get out of.
There is hope for the hopeless. Reach out to me, reach out to family or friends or the EAP. You can reach out to A.A. or N.A. or a million other A’s too.
Today I celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety!
It’s just another day; I plan to go to work, have dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and be in bed by 10. It is a drastic change from when I was using daily.
Life was different then. I usually woke up a little drunk from the night before and I’d head off to work (if it was a good day). I smoked at least a pack a day back then too, so I was smelly. I wasn’t big on brushing my teeth so my breath was likely lethal. Hygiene was not my friend.
All through the day my head would replay events and resentments and I would focus and be angered by something that occurred that had no basis on reality most of the time. I would imagine futures and pasts of horrible consequence. I would hang with my friends and talk about the upcoming nights events that always included alcohol and if I was extremely lucky – some LSD. I had my share of nicknames, but in the end most people knew me as Mr. Trip or simply Trip.
It always started with the first drink and usually ended up with me passed out somewhere. My friends would try to rouse me if I passed out in bars, but if I didn’t wake they’d just leave me there on the floor. I didn’t have a license so I’d walk home or to a friends.
Employment came and went I did land a job and keep it a year once, but more often then not absenteeism or being late or drunk resulted in me getting booted.
I wasn’t a violent drunk; just stupid, sappy and messy. Looking back I was probably the one they laughed at, not with. Never one to fight, mess with girls or drive (I didn’t receive a license until I got sober).
I owned nothing except a few boxes of comic books and was renting to own a dryer – long story. I lived with friends where I could with no responsibilities and only a desire to get drunk.
Final Bender
As I recall my last day/night drinking was in Ettrick WI. I had sung a song or two at a wedding for friends and was dolled out in a white tuxedo. It was the night after the wedding at the reception and I was broke, unfortunately there wasn’t free beer, so I stole what I could and begged and borrowed enough to get sloshed.
I had been suicidal and planning on ending it all soon. I was miserable and tired of everything. I didn’t have any hope at all. I shared my suicide plan with a friend who had shared his suicide plan with me a few days previously – however he wasn’t in that state any longer. Soon I was on the phone to the cops asking for help. Friends surrounded me and got me to go with the cops as I had changed my mind after I called for help.
The local guys took me in to the psychiatric ward in LaCrosse WI. I was the best dressed guy there. It was at the hospital and they had left me alone for a few minutes and I got to thinking – what the hell was I doing, I didn’t want to be here, so I started putting on my shoes and then a police officer came in and said “you’re not going anywhere”.
I spent 4 days and nights in there the room was padded but I didn’t get a straight jacket. They fed me meds and told me they were just vitamins, which I believed for some reason. I didn’t want anything that would get me better, I still just wanted to be done with everything.
On day 4 I had my day in court, where I was ordered to not more than 111 days in a drug and alcohol facility. That didn’t scare me, I’d been in one of those before. A country cop transported me from the hospital/psych ward in LaCrosse all the way to Eau Claire WI and a treatment center named Fahrman Center.
One of the counselors, Shelly, did my intake and showed me to my room. I was still hopeless and didn’t have any cares in the world. I’d get out of there soon and be on my way to find a drink.
I did the 21 days inpatient treatment there. Group sessions, chores, homework and some excursions. I was just playing the game, answering questions like I did in the last treatment center. My counselor was Brien and I liked him. He and I had an instant rapport but I still didn’t want to get better. If I thought of a way out I had planned to kill myself as soon as I was free.
HOPE
On Saturday’s they would invite members of the local recovery communities to come and share with us. It was similar to an AA meeting and the speakers would drone on and on about themselves and we were supposed to get something from that. Well one Saturday a kid named Terry came and told his story and for the first time I could relate to someone and felt a kinship.
That night I prayed to the “god” of my understanding “If you can make me as happy as that kid seems, I’ll do anything”.
I asked Terry to be my sponsor and he gave me direction almost immediately – 1 shake every persons hand and introduce myself, even if I knew them, before and after a meeting. 2 Northside Group (an AA meeting) would now be my home group. I may have rolled my eyes at both suggestions.
So I set about doing what I was told to do I attended the Northside Group and the Pacific Group and would shake everyone’s hand before and after the meeting no matter what.
The Pacific Group of Eau Claire WI is an offshoot of a meeting from, where else, California. The founder of the Eau Claire group was sponsored by the founder of the LA group. Very different type of meeting than I was used to and I planned to stick around long enough to tell them they were doing it wrong. Instead of moaning and bitch sessions you would get uplifting stories from speakers and participants that left you wanting more… lots of oohs and ahhs and hand clapping at almost everything.. and they had cake.
There were two pretty girls who also attended both groups, one named Krista (though I only knew her as “cake lady” for a little while) and one named Suzanne. We became friends and often they would give me rides to meetings and other things.
My sponsor Terry got drunk. I wasn’t privy to the details, I just was destroyed. I asked another member of the Northside Group to be my sponsor – Joe. Joe had double digit sobriety, a job and was married… we had nothing in common lol. Joe’s wife Carol also in the program, sponsored both Krista and Suzanne.
Joe took me through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we worked the steps. I did my homework and I wrote my list. I was still in the halfway house portion of the treatment center and they were very concerned with me doing my 4th Step with my sponsor instead of some clergy member. The treatment center’s version of the 4th step left a lot to be desired and didn’t help me. Whereas sharing my list with Joe and talking about my resentments, fears and sex conduct really opened my eyes and showed me what kind of a human being I was – not a very good one.
Our sponsors invited us over to go through the book as a group, there were about 6 of us sponsees when we started but by the end there were about 4. We went through page by page, word by word examining it and coming to terms with what Bill W meant in 1935 compared to what we mean now.
I learned valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous – how to suit up and show up, how to introduce myself, how to volunteer – even if I didn’t want to – just raise your hand. The one thing AA didn’t sell me on was the idea of “God” but I followed the sayings and words and prayed to a god I didn’t believe in. But it stuck in my craw.
Meetings were a regular part of my world. I would go to 2 – 3 meetings a week. Roundups (conferences) and workshops. AA was my life.
I was though, the angry young man, and everyone knew it. I had resentments that I couldn’t work past that were current and damaging. One night at a meeting I was particularly mad and Krista turned to me and said “no one said you have to stay here” and it resonated with me. So I walked away from my home groups and went solo.
Still mad, but reading the book every day. Talking to a fellow AA member every day and still hanging with Krista and Suzanne, but I wasn’t happy. I would go back to meetings here and there but not shake hands… I was a little pissy.
At year 4 or so of sobriety I moved to Washington DC and soon came to miss my structured, recovery based meetings. Themeetings I found in DC were whine sessions more than anything else (see this story My Experience with DC AA) . I wasn’t a fan. Took me about 10 years to find like minded people there and we made our own groups.
After 15 or so years in DC when my job came to an end, I moved to Phoenix. I found recovery based meetings there and a new sponsor Flo. Flo and I went back through the book and I was regular at my home group. (See this story: My Sponsor Won’t Shake My Hand)
Walking Away
Not believing the core part of Alcoholics Anonymous – the need for a power greater than you – was a real dilemma. It seemed all my fellow members believed where I couldn’t and I found I couldn’t talk from my chair or the podium and claim that I believed in something any longer.
At 22 years of sobriety I made a decision to walk away from AA (see this story: Walking Away from AA). I told my sponsor and he had said he could feel me slipping away so it wasn’t a surprise, he still loves me and we talk once in a while.
What I found after I left that I was no longer stressed about getting to the meeting on time. No longer concerned if the room was set up just right. No stress on shaking everyone’s hand – which neither DC nor Phoenix was into. No dissecting other peoples shares for what was important and what was just fluff. Not that you’re supposed to criticize every inch of a meeting or compare members to others, but I would. I was free when I left, free.
Eight Years Later
So what’s happened in eight years?
Nothing really has happened, life is good, I’m happy overall and living life to the best. I don’t have cravings for alcohol – I do have dreams where I’m a closet smoker though, which is so odd. I don’t hold resentments, don’t say daily prayers to things I don’t believe in and don’t attend meetings.
I have a great job that I love to go to, where I get to help people every day. I live with my best friend, Suzanne, who still does go to meetings and enjoys them. Life goes on for me and I think I’m less angry, less worried and have overall less anxiety.
AA is a great program that taught me a lotabout life and living (See this post: Worker Among Workers). I wouldn’t be the man I am today without their help in the beginning and the many men and women who came before me. I practice several parts of the program daily and it matters to me.
Today, I’m almost a militant atheist. I try to bring truth to the world and those around me and probably get blocked on Facebook as a result, but I think it’s important. My life is deity free, and I’m willing to risk an eternity in hell to prove it.
Several of the key philosophies of AA that I still follow – help other people, have no opinion on outside issues, anger and resentment are the mind killers, be self-supporting, watch out for defects of character and more. There are good parts in the 12 step recovery programs.
Today, I’m 30 years sober. Something I never thought would be possible. I remember when I was new thinking people that said they had 15 or 17 years of sobriety had to be lying, why would someone choose to live that life? How could they go so long without a drink, it baffled me.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous promises that as far as alcohol goes sobriety will make you immune to the temptation, that you’ll recoil as if to a flame. That’s come true for me – I don’t recoil, but I don’t mind if it’s around me, except the smell of wine… can’t handle that for some reason, and I wasn’t a wine drinker.
Sobriety isn’t for everyone and not everyone needs it, but if you have a problem with alcohol or drugs or both, the 12 step programs can give you a solid foundation to build on that will lead to permanent sobriety. If you want/need help – go to www.aa.org or www.na.org and take a look. It can be a scary place to start and very uncomfortable – especially with those NA folks, they hug. True story: the reason I chose AA over NA was because the NA folks hugged me, ewww. They do rather insist upon the “power greater than you” thing and no matter what they say, it’s “God” they’re referring to.
There are secular alternatives to the 12 Step Programs – S.M.A.R.T. Recovery is one and there are others, use Google, it’s your friend. I looked into SMART but it’s not for me, I’m not a meetings guy I think.
Sobriety changed me from a drunken loser with no prospects into an old man with a life beyond what I ever imagined. In the beginning it seemed very hard, but the more days you string together and practice the principles, the easier it gets. I don’t think of a drink today or drinking, don’t play resentments in my head all day, plan my days around getting stoned or drunk – I just live life. That’s all I can ask for.
If everything goes according to plan, this Saturday, May 8th 2021 I will celebrate 27 years of continuous sobriety.
I spent 22 of those years in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), attending a meeting at least once a week. Raising my hand to volunteer, reaching out my hand to newcomers and reading the literature. I would even pray at least once a day, usually I’d recite the 3rd Step and 7th Step prayers each day, and as the day would progress I might say an extra prayer here or there. At night I might thank the sky for the day and ask for certain people to be watched over. I was a Big Book Thumper! I quoted the book, practiced the book and preached the book. I was a hawker or the 12 Traditions and their importance to making meetings and AA work.
As an atheist I struggled with the concept of a “higher power” and or “god” and despite what the book or the traditions say, most meetings I went to pushed a need to believe in something greater than you to achieve and keep sobriety. I did as I was told, I ‘faked it til you make it’ til I was blue in the face, but I seemed to get sobriety without ever achieving a belief in a higher power. Made me kind of a hypocrite when I would preach the steps and not believe key parts were necessary.
In 2016 I had a bad depression cycle and was in a dark place for several months. Nothing AA had taught me was helping, I was stuck. I didn’t know how to get out of it and didn’t know if I wanted to get out of it, it became comfortable and the new normal. I was actively planning my own death and looking forward to it.
My primary care physician listened to me and prescribed some medications that helped me. I got out of the dark place and started to feel better and started to think that I didn’t want to go to AA any longer. I don’t know that they were connected thoughts I just know they happened around the same time. So I came to a decision to leave meetings. I’ve been to two meetings since and they didn’t inspire me to come back to the groups or give my heart aches.
It’s interesting, my sponsor at the time noticed I was moving away from AA before I did. He mentioned one night after we met that it seemed like I was pulling away. I was having issues with the service structure of AA and not enjoying any part of meetings, not the people, the time or the activities. I was moving away and didn’t know it. When I told him I was leaving he wasn’t surprised and thankfully he didn’t cut me out of his life or anything, I still chat with him on occasion and count him as a friend.
So what’s different if you don’t go to AA meetings any longer Jamez? – well not a lot. I still believe getting out of self and helping others is a key role in sanity and sobriety. I still meditate on occasion. I still don’t drink or do drugs. Basically I took the meetings and readings out… and doing ok, as far as I can tell.
AA gave me a great foundation, tools to live a normal life and now I’m living it. AA is a great resource if you’re looking to find a new life and they can help you get there. I appreciate what AA gave me and how far it got me, changed me for life I hope.
So Saturday, I’ll be 27. I’ll be spending time with an old friend for the weekend in Philadelphia, I don’t anticipate attending a meeting, just doing normal things that normal people do. Hope you have a great weekend too.
I have severe depression. It is usually maintained with medications (I take 2: Aripiprazole and Escitalopram) that keep me level. I still get spikes of depression that come in and cloud up everything and almost always include thoughts of ending it all.
A previous primary care physician suggested I may experience these in cycles, it’s an interesting theory and I’ve noticed that it does seem to ebb and flow. There doesn’t seem to be a given time, it’s not like every three months like clockwork it pops up it just comes. My cycle that led me to take medicine to combat this is described well here: LOST It was a very dark time and I’m fearful of it ever returning.
I have found that since I’ve been taking medications for depression my need to write has diminished considerably. It used to be that I would get an idea for a blog post/story and it would roll around in my head, almost obsessively, until I got it out on paper. That has stopped, nothing really becomes such a solid focus as it used to, so there is very little need to write anything as it doesn’t need to come out. This is a good or a bad thing, depending on your point of view.
My prescriptions from my time in Phoenix finally ran out and I needed to find a new primary care provider anyway, so I scheduled an appointment at a place recommended by a friend. New doctor, cute as all get out, but at this facility the PCPs don’t prescribe mood altering chemicals, they insist you see a psychiatrist/specialist to get them filled. The new Doc did refill for me, which was good, but only the one time before I have to see the head shrink. I’ve scheduled that for end of October (earliest I could get in).
I recently had a depression spike, not a really bad one but more of a foreboding one where everything seemed like it was about to go to hell. Part of that is brought on by my job where I have about 6 hours of down time a day… I’m not exaggerating, really every day I have about 6 hours of nothing to do… it’s causing me some stress. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this during one of my down times… down as nothing to do, not down as in depressed.
The spike, didn’t last long and may actually have been the result of a new medication the doc (did I mention he’s cute) gave me for a pain I was having in my elbow that wouldn’t go away. That medication is called “Mobic” and fixed my elbow up right good it did, no pain at all there and it had been hurting for a few months… actually about half a year, previous PCP thought it was tennis elbow but didn’t have a solution, this PCP (the cute one) called it arthritis, or at least that was his theory. I’m just glad the pain went away.
Today at the office the guy that hired me let me know most of what I’ve been doing isn’t what I should be doing at all, which would increase my down time at work tenfold. But he did have hope that I should have more to do, so we’ll see if that comes or not.
This was kind of a rambling all over the place post, but I wanted to get something out there and also needed something to do with my time. 😉
I was chosen for Jury Duty for Maricopa County and today was the day to show up. Like Washington, DC – Maricopa County has a one day, one trial jury process meaning you can serve one trial or one day waiting to get picked and you’ve fulfilled your obligation to the government. Mostly you sit around all day watching videos of why jury duty is important (it seems to me these types of commercials might be better served in the general public, not where people have already shown up for the service). (more…)
It was a while in the making. I finally saw the inner workings of the service side of AA, what I assumed would be the most spiritual was the most sick I guess. It seemed all anyone wanted was what they wanted, not what was best for AA as a whole. So to me I had lost a second part of the triangle, the one I believed in most – Service. Between that and the “fake it til you make it” dishonesty in an honesty program. I’m really an atheist and cannot swallow what others do in its entirety. Don’t miss it, gives me lots of free time and less to be resentful at. I did go to a meeting with Flo when I was in Albuquerque but that was for him, I was just along. No one from AA has really reached out to me asking me about it – some have said they want to leave too, so that’s interesting. (more…)
I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.
First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that. (more…)
