A week ago today I received the call from my nephew that his dad, my brother, had died.
Ryan was three years younger than me, born in 1973. Like me tattoos covered his body, though his were mostly black and gray and mine are colorful… I asked him why he didn’t do color once and he just said it wasn’t for him. Unlike me, he had a head full of hair and could grow a full beard.
He was 50% deaf in each ear since birth. When I was very young I recall my mother explaining to me that my little brother would be deaf and needed extra care. I cried so hard that day and remember running to my room just bawling like a baby. As he grew up and through childhood he would often, at least I think it was often, pretend he couldn’t hear you just so he didn’t have to do something. He would even go so far as to turn down his hearing aids – little shit. When he was much older he finally went through the procedure for ocular implants and he says it changed his world. There was also an app that he used with his phone and it was like someone was talking direct in his head he said. His lack of hearing never stopped him from loving music and he would head bang with the best of them.
I couldn’t ever catch him when we were playing tag. I would chase and chase but he was a fast fucker that zigged and zagged and was always just out of reach. Once when I couldn’t catch him I grabbed the nearest item, I think it was an old empty gasoline can, and I pitched it at him, hit him in the head… and of course he needed stitches.
Not to be outdone in everything, if he was winning a wrestling match against me I would fake an injury and he would get legitimately concerned that he hurt me some how and it pained him just the thought of that.
When I was twenty my mother called and said she was moving to Florida and if I didn’t come to care for my younger siblings they would be placed in foster care. I didn’t want that to happen so I uprooted my life and went to live in Taylor, WI with Amy and Ryan. Truthfully it was a disaster – I couldn’t take care of myself let alone two teenagers. All we did was drink and smoke and party. It wasn’t long before social services came and took them both. While we were living together I grew concerned about Ryan’s drinking and alcohol (I couldn’t see my own addiction) and sent him off to treatment. He was so mad and didn’t think he was an alcoholic but we sent him anyway. He didn’t sign up for AA or let that become his new life and he was resentful about my sending him – we made amends many years later about it.
Ryan did spend some time in the local prison. I don’t really remember the charges and it doesn’t matter now. While he was there he bettered himself, he came out with knowledge – he spent time learning and reading and doing things he didn’t do when he was younger. He was a lot smarter when he got out.
Years go by quickly and we both grew up. I let alcohol and drugs consume my life early and found a way out when I was still in my twenties. Ryan found heroin later in life and it took its toll. I don’t know how long he had been without it when he passed, but I know it was a real struggle for him. He was always a stoner in our younger years and loved pot, but the heavy stuff wasn’t part of what we did back then. Duluth is where that part of his life happened and while he was there he was incommunicado wouldn’t answer calls of posts from us siblings. The heroin ate away at the relationships.
We didn’t have the best life growing up and I know he didn’t have the best life as an adult either. He struggled and lived near poverty.
A Celebration of Life was held on Saturday for him. There were memories shared, tears shed and laughter at hi jinx in our youth. His favorite two uncles came to pay their respects, among others. Ryan would have loved that, loved to see all those people together. We had coolers full of Mountain Dew, his favorite and just sat there on a rainy Saturday in sadness.
I don’t consider myself a good brother. Many failures run through my head, things I could have done better for him or times I should have tried to reach out. I picked him up for a recent get together with Dawn and Amy when my Ma was in hospice. On the way home he bawled and spoke about how tired he was of fighting, how much work it was just to live. He had COPD and it’s a hard disease to live with. I let him talk and cry, but I offered no comfort, no soothing words or help – I had none. Do you lie to someone who’s dying and let them think there is some fragile hope out there that will make it better… I couldn’t. I just sat there in silence. I’m not a good brother.
I will miss Ryan. We didn’t spend much time together and lived states apart, but I’ll miss him anyway. When I think of going “home” to Wisconsin he’s one of the things I think about…. but no more. I don’t believe in a hereafter or souls. I think he’s just done fighting and gone.
It was the end of the school year in 1985 in Whitehall WI. I had broken into my grandmothers locked room, rifled through it and maybe scraped together 20 – 25 bucks to spend on beer. She had had enough, rightly so, and called social services to deal with me. My mother had had enough of me too and that’s why I was living with my grandma.
Social Services of Trempealeau county came and escorted me out of the home and took me to a group home in Eau Claire for the weekend. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and just did my best to get by, no issues with the group home. Just a scared teenager with no direction. Come Monday morning my case worker came and we drove from Eau Claire to Galesville. I don’t recall any conversations that may have happened on the way, but I was probably told that I had made my last screw up,
We arrived at a long brown house at the end of town. I had a bag full of my belongings and carried that with me. When we entered the house I saw an old man and woman in their living room. The man was in a t-shirt and was dirty as if from work and the old woman was sitting in a rocking chair knitting.
That was my introduction to Ron and LaVonne Prudlick, my Pa and Ma.
We quickly went over some rules and expectations and they showed me to my room. It was early afternoon and the other foster child, Steve, wasn’t home yet. The case worker left and I settled into my room, I lay on the bed and was scared, unsure what might happen next.
That first night I remember crying and just laying there in fear and uncertainty.
Ma and Pa invested in me, taught me responsibilities. Gave me chores, allowance. Made me get myself up for school, do my homework and eat with the family at the table every night. I believe because of their discipline, love and attention I graduated from high school.. sure I wasn’t top of the class, but I made it.
Flash forward to me being a regular drunk – they loved me even then. They’d pick me up when I was in trouble, dropped me off at treatment and even picked me up when it was done. Never did they not answer the phone when I called, never did they give up on me.
After I found sobriety and made my amends with them all they wanted to “make it right” was for me to stay sober. The love wasn’t conditional, it was based on what was best for me.
I was preparing to move to Washington, DC and stopped by to say good bye to Ma and Pa. I remember the big hug from Pa and Ma telling me that I always had a home no matter how far I traveled. She also said “if it doesn’t work you can always come home”. Home was always there.
When I came out of the closet a few years later there was no judgement, no condemnation; just love and Ma saying it didn’t change anything. There was that unconditional love that they always gave to me.
When Pa passed away suddenly, 17 years ago, I was a mess. It was a big loss and this person I had always expected to be there was suddenly gone. I made changes after that loss, made sure I would always go home for Christmas and other visits when I could afford to go to. Just to make sure I didn’t miss a moment.
This last year we learned that Ma had liver cancer, stage four. I flew home. Ma and I talked about life, death and what we should expect. I made sure she knew that I loved her and would be there for her.
We had our last Christmas together this past year, we were living in the moment. Ma wanted that. She didn’t want special treatment or people to be sad. She wanted us to treat every day like it was just another day.
Then Rhonda let us know about 4 weeks ago now, that Ma was declining. I had just talked with her days before and she was fine. They had told us when it started to go it would go fast. I changed up a flight I had scheduled for July and headed to Wisconsin. I was planning to stay a week and get all the extra time in I could, I ended up staying an extra week and helping out.
When I first arrived Ma was walking, talking and perfectly fine – within days she declined. In that two weeks it was rapid downward trend. When I left she could barely walk with her walker, we had her in a wheelchair, and she had started to lose her finer motor skills.
When I said goodbye I got a big hug, I squeezed as tight as I dared and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too.
It was a week later that hospice said she would go very soon, she clung onto life for three days just sleeping and Saturday morning she was gone.
I lost my Ma Saturday. She was my Ma for 40 some years. She taught me so much about how to be a good person, to not judge others and how to love. Ma is what I think of when I think of love and what it truly means. Unconditional total love.
This week I’ve been focusing on others, staying out of my own head. Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I respond the same way – as best I can, considering. I have support of a lot of people – specifically my sister Rhonda, my best friends Suzanne and Eric. My job has been so accommodating and I have the most understanding boss. My sponsor Flo also has reminded me of lessons that I needed to remember, he’s my sponsor even thought I don’t go to AA any longer, he’s another one of those humans I talk about later.
We’re having the funeral on Tuesday, that’s what she wanted. She helped plan everything out and chose anything we presented her with. We may cry and be sad and that’s alright. We will suit up and show up and greet all her friends and acquaintances from her life. We will remember all the good times and share stories.
My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.
First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.
In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.
AFTER LIFE
When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.
If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.
In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.
REMAINS
I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.
I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.
When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.
Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.
BELONGINGS
I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol
The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.
Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.
Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦
Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.
Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.
Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.
I think that’s it… not much like I said.
FINANCIAL
There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.
MY FRIENDS
Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.
I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.
I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.
Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.
MY FAMILY
It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.
My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.
My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.
I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.
IN CLOSING
I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.
My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.
I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.
Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.
Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.
For the last few years I’ve traveled up to Maryland to have Thanksgiving with my best friend Eric and his family. This year Eric moved from Maryland to Wisconsin – yes on purpose. I traveled to Wisconsin last month so I didn’t see the need to see Eric again so soon. This year, I stayed home in Virginia Beach.
Previous years Eric’s son-in-law Dan would deep fry the turkey. OMG it was amazing, very juicy and tasty, not sure what he basted it with but it was always very tasty. One year he smoked it – not as good. We’d have mashed potatoes (never enough), green bean casserole, stuffing… the works you know. Then finish it off with some pecan and pumpkin pies. Then we’d watch the football games, fall asleep on the sofa or play with Eric’s grandkids. It was always a nice get away.
This year, I stayed local.
I had a morning doctor appointment, check up on my diabetes. The doctor said improvements in my blood work, but still wanted me to lose 10 pounds and eat healthier to get my A1C down more. He does talk a lot to me – which is good and bad – my appointment was at 8:45 and I didn’t get out until 9:30. So I was late for work.
I missed a meeting at work, didn’t mind, the boss filled me in when I got there. I made my calls, followed up on emails and did my regular duties like I always do. I did have a sale which is nice. Work let us off an hour early on Wednesday so I headed home around 4.
I played World of Warcraft when I arrived at home for a couple hours and Suzanne and Brucifer went off to see the Nutcracker so I watched Fluffy for a bit as well. She’s low maintenance so it’s no biggie.
My best friend Suzanne’s parents live nearby and they hosted us on Thanksgiving. Suzanne, Brucifer, Adam, Eileen (Suzanne’s sister), Paris (Suzanne’s niece), Chip and Judy (her parents) and Paris’s roommate, whose name I can’t recall… and I’ve met her several times.
Suzanne made the turkey, in an oven, and her corn soufflé. Judy made a lot of the rest mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, apple pie …. . Eileen made ratatouille. I asked Judy on Monday night if mashed potatoes were on the menu and she assured me they were.
Chip watched football with me while everything was getting ready. Adam may have watched with us, I can’t recall. Fluffy, the English Bulldog played with her dad Brucifer on the floor while all this went on. The games entertained us while the girls got everything ready.
When they announced dinner was ready – Brucifer was first ini line. I waited until almost everyone had gone as there was a crowd in the kitchen. When it was my turn I loaded up on turkey and mashed potatoes, Just had made a whole bunch of them so there was plenty for me to take extra. They encouraged me to try the ratatouille but after thinking it over I opted not to. I’m sure it was good the others seemed to think so.
We all waited patiently at the table for the last person to arrive, Chip was the last in line which they indicated was unusual. I was pretty hungry at this point so I wanted him to hurry up, but he seemed to take his time. FINALLY he sat down, Judy made a blessing that she was happy to have such a nice group in her home and then we ate. I had seconds and then made me way to the football game in the living room.
After a while, when others were finished eating also, I got up and fixed myself some apple pie with ice cream. Yummy.
I texted friends and family “Happy Thanksgiving” and one of them I texted “Happy Birthday” by mistake, lol. Oh well.
There was a little drama, but nothing to complain about and not one person cried.
We left for home around 5, said our goodbyes and gave hugs. It was a nice holiday.
Later that night we watched the season finale of Andor, which is such a good show. I liked how it played out but I’m sad it had to end… 2024 is when they say the next season will be out and that’s just NOT ok.
I went to bed with a full stomach, or it seemed that way.
I’m looking for my special guy. Taking applications or referrals.
I’ve done the dating apps, the online dating, the blind dates. Been engaged once, in love a few times and played around more than I probably should have. I’ve had good dates, bad dates and bad break ups that left me an emotional wreck. I’ve had elicit affairs with married guys – most of the time that didn’t feel right to me. I take vacations to destinations where I know I’ll get to hook up with guys – Ft Lauderdale, Palm Springs, Philadelphia. So I thought I’d just throw together an application for a husband on here and see what happens.
Jamez March 2022
I’m looking for something with substance, stability and seriousness. Something passionate, personal and productive. I want a man or men (I’m open to a polyamorous relationship) to call my own, to come home to, and to get lost in his eyes.
I’ve always had a thing for older guys, when I was in my twenties I drooled over many a 45 or 50 year old – most said I was much too young for something serious. It may not be an age thing but a maturity thing, I like a man who’s grown up, responsible and drama free. I do lust after a man with gray hair though, turns all the right buttons for me. I like furry guys, hair on their chest and on their face, have since forever. When I was just a kid I remember finding a dirty magazine down in the basement. There was one image of a man with a beard and a hairy chest that got my attention more than any of the other ones. Most of the images were hairless, clean shaven men and I just thought meh, not so much. I also like a man with some meat on his bones. A barrel-chested, muscular, beefy man is just the right size. My first lover was a bigger guy, and my first love as well.
I gravitate towards these types of men and frequent dating sites that cater to them. I like a mans man, with hairy chest, gray hair and some meat on their bones. I like bears, silver daddies and fur… but that’s not written in stone, I’ve found myself drawn to other types of men along the way, this is a guideline for what I’d really like.
It’s not all about looks, that’s just for starters. I want a man with passion in and out of the bedroom. Someone who has his own loves and habits that I can grow with and live with mine as well. A man that makes me want to be with him, makes me want to give up my video game time to spend it with him instead. So, he should be interesting, funny, lovable, laughable…. understanding, serious, willing to compromise and open-minded. I like to think I’m those things and my friends tell me I am.
Here’s my current narrative on sites I frequent: No face pic no chat no exceptions. Looking for my special guy. I tend to like older, bigger guys. Hairy face and chest are nice. I also like gray hair. Be. honest, have more than one photo, be open to the idea of actually meeting.
You should have a job, I do. Non smokers only. No vegetarians or vegans need apply – yes, that’s funny but I’m serious.
I like kissing, sucking and getting fucked. Not really into any kinks. I’m 51, moderately hairy. I like to go slow, enjoy the entire experience and really please my guy and have him please me. I’m open to trying new things and honest about it if I like or don’t like it.
I’m sarcastic, funny and I like to think smart. Introverted, I’m not big on crowds or meeting new people. Once I meet them I’m usually good a second time, but the first time I’m rather quiet and wary.
I was born in Wisconsin, lived in DC for almost 2 decades, lived in Phoenix for another and now I’m in Virginia Beach, I’m not tied to any location really. I don’t like winter that’s a big deal, hate might be the word.
I’m clean and sober, don’t go to meetings any longer but still maintain my sobriety. I’m an atheist, my choice, my belief and you’re free to have yours. I’m respectful of others choices as far as alcohol, drugs and religion go… you don’t push yours on me and I won’t push mine on you. I’m a diabetic. I have depression and anxiety. all being treated with medications and diet.
I like animals, cats and dogs mostly… don’t think I’d be ok with a pet pig or llama.
I like to travel, consider myself something of a writer, like to walk and swim… but not much into exercise really… and I have a little belly to show for that.
I’d like to know more about you so feel free to hit me up so we can chat.
So what about me? what’s do I bring to the table….
I’m 53 now, moderately hairy, 5’9″, around 220. I have a little belly, which I’m half-heartedly working on. I like food and hate exercise so it’s not as easy as I want it to be. I have around 20 tattoos, most mean something to me. My ears are pierced but I rarely wear earrings and if I do usually studs. I wear a couple of rings once in a while as well. I’m most comfortable in t-shirt and jeans, but dress up business casual for the office most days. I look quite good in a tux, but honestly who doesn’t? I shave my head and usually have a goatee.
Writing is a passion of mine. www.bookofjamez.com More so before one of my medications started to mess with my creative process.. used to be I’d regularly get ideas in my head that wouldn’t go away until I got them down on paper (or screen as the case usually is), but now it’s rare an idea gets stuck there and I write less and less frequently.
Medications? what’s wrong with me? well let’s see: I’m clean and sober 27 years, have depression, anxiety, diabetes (my A1C is 6.5), and high cholesterol. My PCP (Primary Care Physician), who happens to be very cute, says I need to lose 10 pounds. I’m taking Prep – if you know you know. I take my medications regularly and am honestly trying to eat better. My depression is being contained and rarely flares up to where it drives me to despair. My anxiety is usually event driven – people or places can make me anxious and I do some meditation, breathing to help with that but have emergency meds if it gets crazy.
I’m a malcontent. A glass truly empty kind of guy. I find it funny most of the time when I look at the world that way. I look at the world through my own eyes and sometimes those views don’t match what society would like them to. But it’s not a harmful thing.
I keep my room relatively clean, organized and make my bed. I have art on the walls and electronic gadgets everywhere. There is a small Superman collection on a dresser and I will likely get more and more Superman stuff.
I’m not a fan of the cold or winter. I go home to Wisconsin for Christmas because that’s what my Ma wants, and you should always do what your Ma wants. But will go out of my way to avoid the cold if I possibly can. I vacation in warm places.
Jamez January 2022
I love music, I can sing and usually do to any music that happens to be on. Doesn’t matter if it’s Country, Hip Hop, Rock, Heavy Metal, Death Metal or Pop… I love music. I was once in the Gay Men’s Choir of Washington DC (GMCW). I don’t play any instruments, but have a desire to learn to play guitar.
I am a picky eater. There I said it. I know what I don’t like – mayonnaise, dressings, mushrooms, fish, seafood.. well it’s a lot, but I do try new things. I love Chicken Tikka, a good spicy Mexican dish or good old fashioned hamburger.
I currently live in Virginia Beach, I’ve not set anything permanent here. I live with my best friend, her husband and their bandmate. I spend a lot of my time in my room, but do socialize and engage with them regularly.
My friends and family all say I’m a nice guy. I think I’m an honest guy and sometimes people don’t like that. It takes a while for me to warm up to people but once I do they tend to warm up to me too. I have 2 best friends, one’s a straight guy (Eric) and one’s a straight girl (Suzanne). You can ask either of them about me and they’ll tell you the truth, good and bad. I have a small circle of friends that I see regularly, and a large circle of friends I see on Facebook or know from years past that I have moved away from.
I have 2 families. One is my blood relatives all of whom we share the same Mother (who passed back in 2001 or 2002? I don’t remember) and one foster family of whom I lived with for 2 years in my youth. I changed my name legally to honor my foster father back in 2009 (he passed suddenly in 2008) and at that time changed my first name to James with a Z. I love both my families and consider myself lucky to have them.
I’ve not been in a long term relationship before really. I was engaged to a guy and that lasted about a year before he called it off. I had a sexual relationship with one guy for 4 years and loved him very much. But other than that not lived with another man that was my own. I do adjust/mold myself to fit into situations and make things work, so I’m not worried about fitting in with someone, I think I do that well.
Sales is my current occupation, I’ve been doing it for a little over a year now and I’m doing it well by all measurable standards. I’ve been an Office Manager, Personal Assistant, Data Geek and worked in a grocery store a long time ago. I have only had one bad review in my careers and it shocked the hell out of me, I think she just didn’t like me.
So anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for him, that one special guy
Jamez April 2021Jamez May 2021
Jamez 1988 Senior PicJamez September 2021brrr winterBirthday Boy
Yesterday a more religious “friend” sent me a Facebook message image of “Jesus Loves You”. This “friend” knows that I’m not a fan of the religious – what I call nonsense and I’m not sure why she did that.
I’m not very tolerant of that kind of thing. I’m just not – I don’t come knocking on your door, holding science books praising quantum physics and asking for money for test tubes… Nor would I send private messages spouting why you’re invisible friend is a threat to humanity as a whole… I’d blog about it sure, but not private message or text.. It’s like walking up to a urinal next to a guy and asking him if he’s had lunch.. it’s just fucking weird, don’t do that.
I responded to my “friend” that I was unfriending her. (more…)
Crowds of people. New people. Old people and Young people. Couples, families (not just mine), adults or children alike. Just in general – people I don’t like them.
They make me feel uncomfortable, ill at ease. My skin itches and I want to make them stop looking at me, even if they may not be looking at me.
I feel like I’m obligated to interact with them, to want to be interested in their needs and desires. It’s rude to just kind of walk away from them as they’re talking or just kind of pose random questions that have nothing to do with them.
There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation whee data is kissing his girlfriend and she asks him what he was thinking about during that kiss.
If you don’t want to watch it – he talks about configuring a warp core, indexing the various works of Charles Dickens, how much pressure to apply to her lips without hurting her and more… I can relate to that. My mind is doing all these other things when I’m supposed to be focused on an individual or task. I don’t want to stop my brain from doing the other things it’s doing so I can focus on someone else… it’s selfish I guess.
During the brief time I was engaged I struggled pretty regularly with how much attention he expected. While I was just comforted by him being there near me and for us to communicate and have sexual relations – he wanted me to be interested in his interests and do what he was doing, regardless if I liked doing that or not. It wasn’t ideal for me.
With my two best friends, Suzanne and Eric, I find I don’t really worry about that. I just am and they are just there with me. Sometimes they talk and I participate but I don’t mind them and it doesn’t seem to interfere with what I am doing. When they met I wasn’t even aware they were meeting at the time – I was sitting by the pool with my headphones on and eyes closed. Suzanne had come to find me and sat next to me without disturbing me and then Eric came to find me and they introduced themselves without me even really having to be there. It was comforting. I honestly put my headphones back in without a care that they would be offended or want me to be part of that conversation. I love them – they are just right.
On the cruise ship we had dinner with a bunch of folks one night and were joined by a woman, who I heard was a little sloshed, and she was telling me that I was going to make so many new friends and best friends on the ship. I told her two is enough, more than enough – they call a couple times a year or I do and send emails. It’s a lot to deal with really – why would I want more of that? I don’t know. I told her as such and I was half joking but she was insistent that having more friends was such a great thing – I don’t get that.
During the muster – when we learned how to evacuate the ship in case of an emergency – we were packed pretty tight in there with the other passengers and it was taking forever. I don’t like that at all – don’t want those people to be near me breathing my air and keeping me from an exit. Always look for exits, that’s a good strategy.
Not liking people causes me some issues when I want to meet a guy.
I don’t like bars, too many people – I don’t drink and drunks can be rather annoying. I don’t like pride – way too many people. Or parties – small talk omg please no.
The trick at parties is to ask them questions and then hope they start rambling on and you can just void out of the conversation – once in a while nodding or saying “uh huh” or “hmmm” and you’ll be just fine. If you’re very lucky they catch on and will leave you alone. But that doesn’t really get you a guy.
So I talk to folks on dating apps – Growlr and the like. Many of them would like to meet me and I’ve considered meeting some of them – once in a rare while I will meet one of them out and about.
I went bowling with a nice guy – but started to feel very uncomfortable during the event and shortly after wanted him to just hurry up and bowl so I could go. Nothing to do with him, just wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide somewhere safe.
Mostly on the app I don’t want to meet them, I would rather stay home and not deal with another human being. So I take long breaks off the app and/or men 🙂 Probably not very good for the psyche.
A friend will invite me over, say to meet her new puppy, and I’ll agree to go, but getting to that point when it’s actually time is the difficult part. I start dreading going days before the agreed upon time and wonder if there is anything I can do to get out of it. I don’t like lying so it’s hard to find legitimate reasons to not do things others want me to do.
While in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) I learned skills to deal with people alone and in small and large groups. Shake their hand, ask how they are, try to listen. In groups stay busy – have a job you can focus on and think about – has it been done properly, was there something else that needed doing with that? It gave me a reason/excuse to get away from people too – I either had to shake someone else’s hand or a task needed doing so I could excuse myself – supposedly without hurting their feelings.
Sponsee’s were another matter entirely – It’s your job as a sponsor to listen to them and listen intently so you can help them find a solution. Ugh. That’s like the worst thing in the world to do to me. I never thought I was a good sponsor – I just wanted them to get better so they could go do things and talk to me less… yes, that’s my goal in AA, talk to me less.
Work is similar to AA. I have certain tasks to do, I can stay very busy and focus on those things without too much interaction with people. But they usually think I’m a good trainer or something and then I have people to teach and manage. Those people ask me questions – sometimes annoying questions they should know the answer to already and I just want to scream out loud and send them all scurrying away.
They don’t fear me, they know I’m usually patient and have an answer they’re looking for. Today one of them came up asked me a question, answered his own question and then asked if that was ok… honestly that was annoying, I likely could have done so many other things during that time.
Employees are akin to sponsee’s I just want them to get better so they can go do things and talk to me less. If they talk to me less I can work more and that keeps me from realizing all the people that keep interacting with me each day.
Work though gives me things to do to keep me focused. I feel comfortable there as it’s an every day thing and I know what to expect (usually).
Truthfully, I feel comfortable and safe in my bedroom. If I have to venture out I try to arrange it so I encounter as few people as possible and can return home experiencing minimal interactions.
Tonight though I drove to the middle of the city to attend the semi-final game for the high school girls basketball team I like – Mesquite Wildcats! I sat comfortably in the stand, surrounded by a couple friends and a bunch of folks I don’t know and was fine. I was focused on the team and how they play.
There I’m comfortable too. But still happy to be home in my room this evening.
It was a while in the making. I finally saw the inner workings of the service side of AA, what I assumed would be the most spiritual was the most sick I guess. It seemed all anyone wanted was what they wanted, not what was best for AA as a whole. So to me I had lost a second part of the triangle, the one I believed in most – Service. Between that and the “fake it til you make it” dishonesty in an honesty program. I’m really an atheist and cannot swallow what others do in its entirety. Don’t miss it, gives me lots of free time and less to be resentful at. I did go to a meeting with Flo when I was in Albuquerque but that was for him, I was just along. No one from AA has really reached out to me asking me about it – some have said they want to leave too, so that’s interesting. (more…)
For Christmas one year I was given a Hershey’s Kiss 3D puzzle and another puzzle. The Hershey’s Kiss puzzle was little plastic chocolate colored pieces with pegs and holes… it didn’t have many pieces so I solved it quickly and wondered what possessed my mother to buy me a puzzle.
It occurred to me that it was likely someone providing gifts to needy children. Mom wanted us to have a good Christmas so she signed us up for a charity. That was rather forward thinking of her – she was very self centered.
The other puzzle I can’t remember except it was solved easily too – a chain comes to mind. Soon I was finished with my Christmas presents and wondered what I’d do now for entertainment.
I used 4 hours of vacation time on Friday so I could drive up to Las Vegas and see Suzanne.
It’s nice to get away from the office – weird things going on there. I think I finally figured out what they’re trying to accomplish – doesn’t make a damn bit of sense but I don’t think I care anymore – that’s a good indicator that you should get away from the office. (deleted the rest of this paragraph for self preservation) (more…)
