I’ve always wanted to go to Greece to see the old temples and the city. Explore the rich culture and history. When my Ma passed last year she left me a little money so I decided this was the time to go.
First thing I did was Google tours and found a tour company that could show me a great time for a week for close to $11,000 – not including air fare. So that was out. So I decided I’d do it on my own with the help of Google and ChatGPT.
I booked a flight from Norfolk –> Philadelphia–> Athens, going premium seating which is like regular First Class seats. Later I upgraded the flight out from Philadelphia to Business Class – which was nice but I found I couldn’t sleep due to a lot of turbulence.
I wanted to be able to communicate once I arrived so I bought English to Greek phrase book and signed up for Duolingo Greek. I also signed up for PrepareforGreece with Dimitri which was helpful. Turns out I didn’t need to do that at all, everyone I spoke with in Greece spoke English really well and were just pleasantly surprised when I managed a Greek word or two.
I booked an Airbnb in Athens and really didn’t know what or where I was going to end up but it ended up being perfect, walkable to many sites and a lot of local flavor to experience. The place had a nice dog and two friendly cats too. Nice guy Willian who gave me great ideas on what to do and how to do it. He was great.
I have depression. Or sometimes I think depression has me.
There was a snafu with my medications getting refilled and I’m now on day four of no medications that treat my depression. Boy oh boy a rollercoaster ride for sure.
The good news is my medications are on their way and I might be what I consider normal within a few days. My doctor for this is, of course, on vacation so another doctor stepped in to help get my stuff filled.
I can’t sleep, super tired, can’t manage to get to sleep. One of my medications helped me sleep actually and now without it I’m struggling. When you don’t sleep there are direct results that include mind fog, irritability and of course exhaustion.
Yesterday afterwork I just started crying for no reason, bawling like a baby. Couldn’t stop, nor focus on what was making me cry just was crying. I hate crying.
I’m also in general irritable, grumpy and sad.
Looking at it I wasn’t aware that the depression, like alcoholism, still stays where you left it. It is in the same powerful state it was when I started my medication journey some twelve years ago. Without the drugs to keep it at bay it will rear its ugly head and take over my brain.
My depression comes with dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts and wanting to surrender to whatever it is. It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but then I start to relate to it and want to get comfortable there. It’s wild. I’m not at my darkest yet, I fear that’s coming.
I have taken action and reached out not just to my doctors and the medical team that take care of my mental needs but also to friends. I’m trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that this is temporary, even if it seems like a long time.
At the suggestion of ChatGPT I texted 988, the depression/suicidal hotline number available to anyone. Chatted with a rep for a good while and found it was beneficial.
Depression is a trap and it can grow comfortable and make you not want to leave. I have been in much worse spots than this and can get out of this one too. I just need to keep reminding myself it’s just a little longer.
Today, I will do my best, which includes helping other people in an attempt to stay out of my own head, similar to what I’d do in Alcoholics Anonymous if I were close to a drink. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and hopefully medications.
Last night I listened to a political podcast that asked a question we rarely hear asked honestly. What does this country actually need right now? Not another Trump. Not another Obama. Not recycled promises about fixing healthcare or ending corruption. What we need is a candidate, and a movement, focused on real change to a system that no longer works for most people.
Let’s find candidates and ideas that enact real change.
Mamdani, mayor elect of New York City, ran on a platform of real change and we’ll see if he can make any of these promises a reality. People voted for him because they want the kind of change he’s talking about. Mamdani ran on some important issues that matter to New Yorkers: affordability, fare free city buses, a $30 minimum wage and more. These are things people want – not just left or right leaning people, but real people struggling or just getting by.
I don’t want to hear “it’s too soon” or “we’re not ready for that kind of candidate” I think we’re more than ready to move on from what’s broken. I’m tired of name calling and mud slinging campaigns that lead to more of the same.
Let’s think about what we need for this great country of ours to not just get by, but to become that dream that people always wanted it to be. Let’s list off some things that would make a change.
Term limits on politicians across the spectrum, too much power for too long has let these “leaders” just get fat on the hog. No one politician should be in office for more than one or two terms. Some of these “leaders” have been in office for up to 50 years, that’s too much power and not enough responsibility.
Real government/tax funded healthcare. It’s way past time for the US to join other civilized nations and enact this for our citizens. This is doable, other civilized countries do it. I’d rather pay an extra $38 dollars in taxes for healthcare then the $300 I pay out or my paycheck or pocket. Let’s make it happen.
Let’s be real about the minimum wage. Current federal guidelines are at $7.25 an hour. Honestly this is an insult to people trying to pay rent, buy groceries and live a real life. No one should need to work three jobs just to live a semblance of a life. Corporations can afford it. Small businesses may feel a deeper pinch, but we need this to change. Have our taxes help small businesses overcome.
Close tax loopholes for corporations that are making huge profits from our purchases or service or goods. If they threaten to move or stop selling to us, so be it, this is a land of opportunity, someone will fill that void.
Tax everyone with more money than they need (millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires…) at a higher rate. Let’s get real here, they can afford it. I ran some AI ideas on taxing the richer and it makes sense so this isn’t an unrealistic idea. I’m not saying stop taxing everyone else, just saying tax them a simple, immediate amount.
Quit sending tax dollars to other countries for any reason. These monies weren’t meant for them, taxes are to pay for government programs that actually help the people here, not over there.
Invest in our people, infrastructure and technology. Let’s put our tax dollars to work for us. We do not have a technology problem here, we have a process, incentives and accountability problem. Let’s make everyone more accountable for what they and get rid of incentives or relying on government favors and backroom deals. Work on our own country again.
Get rid of the electoral college. This is a big one. Would require a constitutional amendment. We have the technology, we can do a popular vote. Having states that have a lower population carry so many votes seems crazy. Let’s let the people decide and the majority of people at that.
Legalize marijuana and other recreational drugs nationally. It’s time. Regulate them, tax them, stop incarceration of people that just want to have a little buzz. Forgive sentences of those who are filling up our corrupted prisons and let those people get back into the world. I’m clean and sober and think this is wise, I don’t plan to start using drugs again.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, let’s keep religion and those who practice it out of politics and policy. We need to move on from the faith of the goat herders and ancients and embrace a world of reality. No more laws based on what the Bible tells you, we have grown as a species evolutionarily, in wisdom, in truth. It is perfectly fine to believe, to have faith, in a higher power – it is not okay to base laws and ethics on all others.
I’m sure there is more. Why wouldn’t there be? We have so much room to improve to grow and overcome our own deficiencies. I want a country I can believe in again, a place people admire that inspires people to be better.
I know there are those of you that will call my ideas childish or foolish, by all means school me. Tell me where I get it wrong or why the current systems are working. But if you do school me I hope you have some ideas that will enact change and change that matters. No more broken promises from politicians and parties…. let’s do something.
A week ago today I received the call from my nephew that his dad, my brother, had died.
Ryan was three years younger than me, born in 1973. Like me tattoos covered his body, though his were mostly black and gray and mine are colorful… I asked him why he didn’t do color once and he just said it wasn’t for him. Unlike me, he had a head full of hair and could grow a full beard.
He was 50% deaf in each ear since birth. When I was very young I recall my mother explaining to me that my little brother would be deaf and needed extra care. I cried so hard that day and remember running to my room just bawling like a baby. As he grew up and through childhood he would often, at least I think it was often, pretend he couldn’t hear you just so he didn’t have to do something. He would even go so far as to turn down his hearing aids – little shit. When he was much older he finally went through the procedure for ocular implants and he says it changed his world. There was also an app that he used with his phone and it was like someone was talking direct in his head he said. His lack of hearing never stopped him from loving music and he would head bang with the best of them.
I couldn’t ever catch him when we were playing tag. I would chase and chase but he was a fast fucker that zigged and zagged and was always just out of reach. Once when I couldn’t catch him I grabbed the nearest item, I think it was an old empty gasoline can, and I pitched it at him, hit him in the head… and of course he needed stitches.
Not to be outdone in everything, if he was winning a wrestling match against me I would fake an injury and he would get legitimately concerned that he hurt me some how and it pained him just the thought of that.
When I was twenty my mother called and said she was moving to Florida and if I didn’t come to care for my younger siblings they would be placed in foster care. I didn’t want that to happen so I uprooted my life and went to live in Taylor, WI with Amy and Ryan. Truthfully it was a disaster – I couldn’t take care of myself let alone two teenagers. All we did was drink and smoke and party. It wasn’t long before social services came and took them both. While we were living together I grew concerned about Ryan’s drinking and alcohol (I couldn’t see my own addiction) and sent him off to treatment. He was so mad and didn’t think he was an alcoholic but we sent him anyway. He didn’t sign up for AA or let that become his new life and he was resentful about my sending him – we made amends many years later about it.
Ryan did spend some time in the local prison. I don’t really remember the charges and it doesn’t matter now. While he was there he bettered himself, he came out with knowledge – he spent time learning and reading and doing things he didn’t do when he was younger. He was a lot smarter when he got out.
Years go by quickly and we both grew up. I let alcohol and drugs consume my life early and found a way out when I was still in my twenties. Ryan found heroin later in life and it took its toll. I don’t know how long he had been without it when he passed, but I know it was a real struggle for him. He was always a stoner in our younger years and loved pot, but the heavy stuff wasn’t part of what we did back then. Duluth is where that part of his life happened and while he was there he was incommunicado wouldn’t answer calls of posts from us siblings. The heroin ate away at the relationships.
We didn’t have the best life growing up and I know he didn’t have the best life as an adult either. He struggled and lived near poverty.
A Celebration of Life was held on Saturday for him. There were memories shared, tears shed and laughter at hi jinx in our youth. His favorite two uncles came to pay their respects, among others. Ryan would have loved that, loved to see all those people together. We had coolers full of Mountain Dew, his favorite and just sat there on a rainy Saturday in sadness.
I don’t consider myself a good brother. Many failures run through my head, things I could have done better for him or times I should have tried to reach out. I picked him up for a recent get together with Dawn and Amy when my Ma was in hospice. On the way home he bawled and spoke about how tired he was of fighting, how much work it was just to live. He had COPD and it’s a hard disease to live with. I let him talk and cry, but I offered no comfort, no soothing words or help – I had none. Do you lie to someone who’s dying and let them think there is some fragile hope out there that will make it better… I couldn’t. I just sat there in silence. I’m not a good brother.
I will miss Ryan. We didn’t spend much time together and lived states apart, but I’ll miss him anyway. When I think of going “home” to Wisconsin he’s one of the things I think about…. but no more. I don’t believe in a hereafter or souls. I think he’s just done fighting and gone.
It was the end of the school year in 1985 in Whitehall WI. I had broken into my grandmothers locked room, rifled through it and maybe scraped together 20 – 25 bucks to spend on beer. She had had enough, rightly so, and called social services to deal with me. My mother had had enough of me too and that’s why I was living with my grandma.
Social Services of Trempealeau county came and escorted me out of the home and took me to a group home in Eau Claire for the weekend. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and just did my best to get by, no issues with the group home. Just a scared teenager with no direction. Come Monday morning my case worker came and we drove from Eau Claire to Galesville. I don’t recall any conversations that may have happened on the way, but I was probably told that I had made my last screw up,
We arrived at a long brown house at the end of town. I had a bag full of my belongings and carried that with me. When we entered the house I saw an old man and woman in their living room. The man was in a t-shirt and was dirty as if from work and the old woman was sitting in a rocking chair knitting.
That was my introduction to Ron and LaVonne Prudlick, my Pa and Ma.
We quickly went over some rules and expectations and they showed me to my room. It was early afternoon and the other foster child, Steve, wasn’t home yet. The case worker left and I settled into my room, I lay on the bed and was scared, unsure what might happen next.
That first night I remember crying and just laying there in fear and uncertainty.
Ma and Pa invested in me, taught me responsibilities. Gave me chores, allowance. Made me get myself up for school, do my homework and eat with the family at the table every night. I believe because of their discipline, love and attention I graduated from high school.. sure I wasn’t top of the class, but I made it.
Flash forward to me being a regular drunk – they loved me even then. They’d pick me up when I was in trouble, dropped me off at treatment and even picked me up when it was done. Never did they not answer the phone when I called, never did they give up on me.
After I found sobriety and made my amends with them all they wanted to “make it right” was for me to stay sober. The love wasn’t conditional, it was based on what was best for me.
I was preparing to move to Washington, DC and stopped by to say good bye to Ma and Pa. I remember the big hug from Pa and Ma telling me that I always had a home no matter how far I traveled. She also said “if it doesn’t work you can always come home”. Home was always there.
When I came out of the closet a few years later there was no judgement, no condemnation; just love and Ma saying it didn’t change anything. There was that unconditional love that they always gave to me.
When Pa passed away suddenly, 17 years ago, I was a mess. It was a big loss and this person I had always expected to be there was suddenly gone. I made changes after that loss, made sure I would always go home for Christmas and other visits when I could afford to go to. Just to make sure I didn’t miss a moment.
This last year we learned that Ma had liver cancer, stage four. I flew home. Ma and I talked about life, death and what we should expect. I made sure she knew that I loved her and would be there for her.
We had our last Christmas together this past year, we were living in the moment. Ma wanted that. She didn’t want special treatment or people to be sad. She wanted us to treat every day like it was just another day.
Then Rhonda let us know about 4 weeks ago now, that Ma was declining. I had just talked with her days before and she was fine. They had told us when it started to go it would go fast. I changed up a flight I had scheduled for July and headed to Wisconsin. I was planning to stay a week and get all the extra time in I could, I ended up staying an extra week and helping out.
When I first arrived Ma was walking, talking and perfectly fine – within days she declined. In that two weeks it was rapid downward trend. When I left she could barely walk with her walker, we had her in a wheelchair, and she had started to lose her finer motor skills.
When I said goodbye I got a big hug, I squeezed as tight as I dared and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too.
It was a week later that hospice said she would go very soon, she clung onto life for three days just sleeping and Saturday morning she was gone.
I lost my Ma Saturday. She was my Ma for 40 some years. She taught me so much about how to be a good person, to not judge others and how to love. Ma is what I think of when I think of love and what it truly means. Unconditional total love.
This week I’ve been focusing on others, staying out of my own head. Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I respond the same way – as best I can, considering. I have support of a lot of people – specifically my sister Rhonda, my best friends Suzanne and Eric. My job has been so accommodating and I have the most understanding boss. My sponsor Flo also has reminded me of lessons that I needed to remember, he’s my sponsor even thought I don’t go to AA any longer, he’s another one of those humans I talk about later.
We’re having the funeral on Tuesday, that’s what she wanted. She helped plan everything out and chose anything we presented her with. We may cry and be sad and that’s alright. We will suit up and show up and greet all her friends and acquaintances from her life. We will remember all the good times and share stories.
I used to chew my fingernails, did for as long as I can remember. Then one day I realized I stopped. No conscious decision was made, I didn’t make it a goal… one day I looked down and my nails were long. When I clip them now sometimes I clip too short and then they look like they used to when I chewed em.
Stopping other things haven’t been as easy for me. It took me two bouts in treatment centers before I found sobriety, and then it was AA that paved the way for me to find a solution that worked. I’ve not had a drink in almost 31 years now and for the most part I don’t think about it at all. Sure when someone has some rum the smell is appealing, but I don’t feel the need to take a drink myself. Avoiding certain situations that might put me in danger of a drink is normal behavior for me. Friends are sometimes concerned about drinking around me but it doesn’t bother me. What does is if they get stupid drunk, stupid drunk is no fun for anyone.
When I quit smoking 20 years ago, I was all set to quit on January 1 – I bought the patch, the lozenge, the gum and a hypnosis tape to listen to. When the 1st came around I quit without any of those things and was just grumpy for a few weeks. To this day I still have dreams about being a closet smoker, it’s weird. I can’t stand the way smokers smell today, can’t imagine being that smelly for as long as I was.
At work I would order a milk shake every day after lunch, got pretty expensive but I did it every day. This year for my New Year’s resolution I quit shakes, that was kind of hard to give up the sugar rush I had every afternoon, but so far I’ve been free of them. It was an easy change to make, but I still get the occasional craving for one after lunch.
I’m sure I have other bad habits that I could attempt to change, but none come to mind right now.
In my bedroom there is a nice sized Superman collection; memorabilia, action figures, statues, paintings and more. On Facebook I saw a queen sized bed set that was Superman, but I felt like that might be too much. One thing I don’t want to quit is my love of Superman.
I’ve been a Superman fan forever. Read a ton of his comic books, seen all the movies, watched all the cartoons. It’s the things he stands for an his goodness that I like so much.
There is also a story – when I was working at Children’s National Medical Center for a grant that served kids that were terminal; one of the patients made his way up to the 6th floor to see his favorite nurse. When he passed my desk he saw one of my Superman figurines and looked to see me, with hair and Clark Kent glasses. That kid became convinced I was Superman.
Whenever Donnell would come for his appointments he would ask to see Superman and I would get to “fly” him to all his doctor visits. People started calling my Superman and it kind of stuck. Donnell was a great kid.
I don’t have the muscles, the spit curl, or the cape – but I try to do as he would do. I help, listen and bring hope. When I think there isn’t anything I can do, I look for something positive to bring. It’s corny, but it works for me.
This summer a new Superman movie is coming out. I’m already planning to take the day off after opening night so I can catch the midnight showing.. What I’ve seen of the new movie looks very good, especially like Krypto and how he’s being portrayed. The actors and actresses all appear to be good fits for the story. James Gunn has a lot of characters slated to be in this one, I hope it isn’t over crowded and too complicated. I also hope the story isn’t rushed. Mr. Gunn has done a great job on other movies so I have high hopes.
If I find another habit that I want to break; whether by self-discovery or someone else pointing it out. I’ll do what I’ve done before and use my super power, of doing the right thing, to make sure I succeed.
Superman inspires me to be a better person. Always has. Hopefully always will.
I was working in a call center at a small business in Virginia Beach when my friend asked me to come work for her business for a bit more money. I said yes and put in notice at my job. They didn’t want to let me go and suggested that I could make more doing the call center gig than I could at my friends company. I was set to go though.
One of the directors at the company heard about me leaving and said (I heard this 2nd hand) “we have to find a way to keep the good ones”. They approached a manager in another department and asked him to offer me one of his open positions.
That manager called me in and started talking about sales. Sales. A dreaded word in most industries full of liars and crooks – that’s what I was thinking anyway. He explained there was an opportunity here to make more money and that he had listened to some of my calls from the call center. He said “I think you’d do well”. I told him I’d think about it but really wasn’t sure this was something I wanted to start to do. Could I be an “honest” sales person, is what I wondered.
I talked it over with people that I run things by and also expressed my concerns about the gig at my friends business. I decided I would give it a try and if it didn’t work out I could approach my friend about her position that she assured me would always be there if I needed it.
In the beginning I would make my calls similar to a call from the call center – make it quick, get em an appointment and off the phone. A colleague, also from the call center now in sales, advised me to take my time, that here it wasn’t about how many calls you could make but what you could make of that call.
They assigned me a zone to sell in, Indiana. The previous Inside Sales Rep (ISR) didn’t mesh well with the team and struggled to make goal. I was kind of forewarned that it might be tough to get into their trust and have them want to have me part of their sales.
Fortunately I had a great Sales Manager (SM) and Assistant Sales Manager (ASM) that were patient with me and also integrated; me into their culture. I was invited to their weekly meeting, where I was asked to participate and they tracked my monthly goals right along side my teammates. They were great team and soon became accustomed to me calling them, asking questions about scopes of work and letting me know of customers I might wan to follow up on.
Books on sales and selling, on winning people over soon filled my Kindle and Audible libraries. I crammed as much knowledge as I could about this new direction. My head was filled with a lot of ideas about what makes a good salesperson.
My first months were less than illustrious, they were ordinary. I think it was a sold two months before I reeled in my first sale and it was a small one. I was so proud though, I had done it and it wasn’t that hard. I had made hundreds of calls and sent many emails but this one had just been a cake walk, they wanted what we had and were ready to pay for it.
But I wasn’t an instant success, sure one sale, but what else could I do. I kept reading books, kept doing word for word what they told me and I was struggling.
We hired a new director shortly after I started. He had plenty of experience in Inside Sales and sales in general. During a one on one meeting he told me “forget about all those books, just be yourself, people like you and want to buy from you. Just be yourself”. That was something I hadn’t tried so I thought I’d give it a go.
Sure enough, just talking to people, asking them how I can help and answering their questions works quite well. My close percentage went up and I was having fun, which is something I highly recommend.
That’s how I got started with my job in Inside Sales for Groundworks, a much bigger company than it was 4 years ago today. At the time I think they had acquired maybe 4 other companies on the east side of the country and now we are an international phenomenon.
It hasn’t been the best year in my sales career, far from it. My zone went through a lot of change and there were firings, hirings (and even a rehiring) and promotions. My SM moved to California and things changed. We hired a new SM, got a few ASMs and a bunch of new guys that didn’t know me. The buy in from my Indiana team is not as prevalent as it was in years past.
My dedication and effort were being forgotten – I wasn’t making the calls I used to. I wasn’t putting my true self into conversations. I wanted an easier softer way that I’d seen others use with great results. Well that’s not for me. I need to make the calls, connect with the customer and my team and then I can succeed. I spent the last month trying to build that motivation and dedication back up.
The Inside Sales Team when I started was 6 people. Now there are 40 I think. 40 is a lot. We’ve grown as Groundworks has grown, we had to. We have great camaraderie and we’re breaking records together. Over half of the team works in other states and we only see them a couple times a year, but we have developed friendships amongst ourselves and that makes for a better team.
This month I’m covering for a teammate out on maternity leave, that zone is Iowa – in addition to my Indiana branch. Spring is almost here and that’s when things can really pick up for us across the country. I’m up to the task and will continue my efforts to help my customers and teammates.
Four years ago someone considered me one of “the good ones” and set me on a path in sales. That path has brought me to new friendships, skills and a future I never dreamed of. Thank you Groundworks, Inside Sales, and my teammates.
I want to buy a big gun, carry it with me everywhere; frequent Chick Fil A restaurants and white churches in a rainbow shirt with it slung over my shoulder. If I feel the least bit threatened I’ll pull a Kyle Ritenhouse and just shoot people. America!
I am afraid. I am an unabashed atheist and homo. My country has just re-elected a “man” that is a direct threat to my freedom.
My country, the so called “land of the free” has opted to have a rapist, racist, homophobic, narcissistic pedophile for a second term. A con man who has a playbook written out to destroy our democracy and enact theocratic policies. A tyrant who is planning to deport several million immigrants that came here looking for the American dream – that which has become a nightmare.
The Democratic Party and Independent Party (if there is such a party) need to begin now with plans for the future – did you fuckers learn anything yet? have you grown a pair? Do you have any potential candidates that aren’t approaching 80…. It’s time to stand up and fight back like you have never done before. Don’t let this monster push his agenda through. Learn to play dirty… but also start grooming your candidates for the future. If you can’t fight, if you’re too old or too weak to defend your constituents then get the hell out of the way. Don’t run Kamala again, give us new blood, give us the inspiration and hope we had with Obama.
I’m for a younger generation of leaders, people that still recall the sting of their student loan debt, that remember trying to survive on a minimum wage. Let’s find some common strength in youth and actual values.
I have friends who didn’t vote, or those that didn’t pick anyone for the Presidential part of their ballot. These people either “didn’t know enough about Kamala” or “didn’t think she would be respected”. Did they not know enough about Trump? Did they not see the way the other countries laughed at us his last term, except for Russia, his friends there. These friends may think I’m over-reacting and panicking. I may be.
I may not.
If White Christian Nationalism continues to gain in power it wont be long until they come for me. To silence me, to jail me, to end me. Believe as they believe or suffer the consequences, act as they want you to act and keep your opinions to yourself. You think censorship stops with Jeff Bezos turning off the Washington Post voice? You think their idea of “god” and religion are just going to let you believe the way you want – ha.
Today on Facebook many of my friends turned their profile photos to black. I have many friends and many of them did so. I did so too. I’m mad. I’m serious about the gun thing, at least about getting one. I want to be able to defend myself when they come for me. I’m mad and folks that didn’t vote. I’m mad.
The monster that was elected – a felon, a rapist, a racist, a fascist and more. A man who has insulted every sub class of America and threatened violence upon his enemies, firing squads I mean really. “Oh, he didn’t mean that” Sure Jan, sure. A threat to the promise of America an end to a once beautiful democracy.
Around three months ago I was approached by a friend, he wanted to have dinner. I asked if Indian was okay and he said it was. We met at my favorite Indian restaurant on a Wednesday night and had delicious food. I just thought he wanted to have dinner.
He then started to tell me about the mess he had gotten into – he was using heavy drugs, couldn’t stop and was doing some rather dangerous ones and dealing with some sketchy characters.
I’m pretty open about being clean and sober, talk about it, post about it and celebrate it. So he knew I was someone who might be able to help. I was mostly a drunk when I was using – lots of alcohol and a few drugs when they were available.
He talked about his drugs of choice and what it was like for him. He was concerned with how he was presenting himself and if others had noticed him acting strangely. I was honest with him – yes some people had questioned his behavior and demeanor. He didn’t like that he was obviously showing signs of the drug use. Then he pulled up his sleeves to show me track marks and told me how bad it really was getting.
I have a friend or two in N.A. and I got him hooked up with them and a good meeting and he promised to go. He did reach out to the members and attended a meeting, where he rambled on and on for a few minutes but wasn’t very coherent, I’m told. He wouldn’t go back to the meeting, see he had a history of attending N.A. before and had had this demon to fight in the past, but it had reemerged and was winning this time.
My friend kept on telling me he “knew what to do” just needed help doing it, but he wouldn’t use the only tools I knew to use – meetings, program and fellowship. He continued his downward spiral and again asked me for help.
I talked to him about the Employee Assistants Program (EAP) at work and how we could get some help. That they may be able to find him a facility to detox and get better with help. He was on board and we worked with the bosses, EAP and got him lined up with a treatment center. He was hesitantly on board with treatment, he’d done it before though and had some old ideas that were keeping him from being fully committed I think.
He did a couple weeks in the treatment center and left early. He couldn’t be around those types of people and couldn’t relate to their problems, he was different. One of the things they talk about in A.A. is how thinking your case is different is a way to get yourself killed.
My friend took some common steps that we see in addiction – he did a geographic, thinking if he moved away from the problem it would help. He thought keeping busy with work would help. But he had the dark web and access to anything with the click of a few buttons.
He called me Friday night for some help with a work problem. I paused my game and tried to help him. He told me he was “in Costa Rica for a tattoo”. That’s the last I heard from him.
Today we were told at work that he had died. There were no details released yet but I have a few theories. There were many tears shed.
I left A.A. a few years ago. I haven’t regretted that until today when I was ruing over the steps I had taken to help my friend and if I had done enough. Even wondering if I was just so out of touch with recovery now that I couldn’t reach my friend with a message he would hear.
My friends assure me there wasn’t anything more I could do, that I did the right things and led the way for a solution, a way out.
I am sad and mad about my friend. He was so young and so crazy full of life. I never knew what bullshit would come out of his mouth but I would usually laugh. We had opposing political views but could converse about issues without losing our shit. He had this deep desire to love other people. He loved his toys and his friends.
I’m sorry that he found himself on a dark journey, I know it was hard for him to get out of.
There is hope for the hopeless. Reach out to me, reach out to family or friends or the EAP. You can reach out to A.A. or N.A. or a million other A’s too.
