I received news this evening that Joe Appel is “not doing well” and then received confirmation from my brother that he’s dying. Joe Appel was my biological mothers second husband, he’s the father of my little brother Ryan and little sister Amy. For most of my life my last name was Appel, I was adopted by Joe after he married my mother. For all of my childhood Joe was “Dad” at some point I knew he was my adoptive dad. I have some memories of the day that happened, I remember being dressed up in case the judge wanted to talk to me. He was all I knew I had as a Dad.

Through my memories I see his fists flying into my mother, onto her face, into her body. I see her battered and bruised, I see blood on his fists that is likely hers and not his. I recall night after night of drunkenness where we lie frightened in our bedrooms wondering if tonight would be another night that we’d hear her scream.

I recall the nights we spent in battered women shelters after one of those incidents – it never occurred to me when I was young, but as I type this and remember that place was full of families just like mine. The strange smells, the odd noises the crying in the cot not three feet from where you were curled up. That was better than the violence in our own home.

We’d never know when it would be safe to go home, many a time we’d run away Mom and us, to a friends or to a shelter or to Grandmas. One time in particular he threatened to kill the cats if we didn’t come back right then.

I recall only a few times when his fist hit me, I know he’s beat my brother senseless on many occasions. I don’t know if he hit Amy and Dawn, I have no memory of it happening, but my memories fade more each day.

I remember distinctly a visit to his parents house where he started to beat on my mom and his family joined in. That was the day they didn’t matter to me anymore.

He was, is, a monster. He would beat on Mom and then we’d get away or he’d get arrested… but he always came back, like a bad penny. I don’t think he has any remorse or regret for the pain he inflicted – hell I doubt he thinks he did anything wrong at all.

I can’t say that I’m sorry to hear he’s dying, not when I’ve know good men that have died too young. Why would this bastard son-of-a-bitch get to live this long, drinking every day of his life and beating on people that depended on him as he wanted. Sure he’s spent some time in jail, but not enough. Sure he’s probably had some pain, but not nearly enough. He’s a veteran, doesn’t matter, doesn’t give a license to treat human being that way. He’s sick, doesn’t matter that’s not a get out of jail card either.

Part of me can’t help but think back on all the times Mom would call from the hospital or the nut house saying “I’m dying” and we’d all rush home to be there and she’d disappoint us again – that sounds harsh no? but that’s what it was at the end for me one more time she couldn’t just go, just quit being sick and tired and go.

So now I think about Joe, yes, it’s time to die – but there’s no way you’ve suffered enough. No damn way.

Tonight It’s High Holy Day for the Gays

Tonight it’s high holy day for the Gays – The Oscars! or maybe that’s the Tonys… Well “the gays” get excited about both probably. All the glitz and glamour and snobbery – sounds gay, looks gay, probably all gay. Last year I feigned interest in the Oscars for the fiance – glad that never has to happen again. I have watched other times when nothing exciting has been on TV, I watched the year that the Return of the King won and was happy about that.

As a disclaimer, I guess I’m gay. Not in the “can’t wait to see how Betty Sue looks on the red carpet tonight” or “oooh, she’s such a queen” or “she’s had work done, horrible work” kind of gay, nope, not those kind. I just happen to like kissing a handsome hairy guy or sucking on a cock now and again among some other nasty exciting things when i get the chance.

Most of the gay people I know are excited about the show tonight, at breakfast I heard and over heard several conversations about tonight and how much fun it’ll be to watch – I even, believe it or not, heard some people who were excited to know Billy Crystal would be the host. I just don’t find it that interesting myself, hours of pre-show with outfits and sound bytes from folks we pay millions of dollars to each year for a relatively small number of worthy movies.

Me, I’ll probably play World of Warcraft or watch Boardwalk Empire instead. Either sound more exciting to me.

Stupid Valentines Day – All Men Lie

I’ve fallen for that scam they call “love” before on an occasion or two – I hope I’ve learned my lesson and never fall again. Certainly initially the feelings can be overwhelmingly wonderful and everything can appear to be as if the stars have aligned. When that happens you’ve forgotten one very important thing:

All Men Lie

That’s the basic rule you need to hold onto to avoid falling into this trap of a boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse… They’re only after one thing: porn – oh, no… well ok two things…. they want to get their rocks off and they want to watch porn. The rest is a lie. All men lie. If you allow them to trick you into thinking there is something, anything more than them having their orgasm then they have effectively tricked you and you will eventually be hurt, usually badly. All Men Lie.

Having that special someone in my life used to be a primary goal, but I’ve learned from those experiences. Yes, I’ve been duped and duped again. Yes, I fell into his eyes and believed the lies, took chances and thought “this time I wont get burnt” but I did, once again.

All Men Lie

You’re really better off using them for what they’re good for: sex, fixing the toilet, teaching you how to use the remote control or what have you. Don’t let them get emotionally attached, don’t let them leave a toothbrush at your house for overnights – just get what you’re after and send them packing. If they performed well, consider bringing them back for a repeat performance, but not immediately. If you bring them back to soon they’ll work their snake charm on you and before you know it they’ll have your heart in a vulnerable position once again. It’s not worth it. Don’t forget the rule:

All Men Lie – it’ll serve you when they’re trying to worm their way in.

I hope that today you’ve not already found yourself entrenched into some fantasy world that he’s spun, leading you to believe that he cares, or that he’ll always be there. I hope you see through the games, gifts and gratitude he expresses. Those just serve his purpose, those just sink you further into his trap of “love” that chemical reaction that you can resist, that you can defeat, that you don’t have to get burned by.

After your done having fun with his stick, send him packing and bring on the next fool to use and abuse. Don’t get clingy, don’t get attached and never fall for their ever ready, ever present, ever self serving lies.

All Men Lie

Cold – The Ultimate Demotivator

It’s 25 degrees outside. That’s cold. Hell I think 35 is cold and on a bad day 40 is cold. Have I ever mentioned to you how much I hate winter?

The goal last night was for me to wake up early and head to the gym for spinning class at 6:30. I even went to bed early to try to accomplish this, but this morning as I lay in bed stroking the pussy I really didn’t want to get up. But get up I did, turning on the computer, straightening up the bed and a quick tinkle in the bathroom… then I noticed the outside temperature and made a decision. I am NOT going out in that for the gym… this is also why bootcamp wouldn’t work for me.

Not only would I have to go out on the way to the gym, you know I’d have to come back right… and it’s just too cold.

I’ve always hated the cold and this season, never even enjoyed it when I was a kid. Sledding? REALLY WTH for, freeze going down a hill so you can climb back up it, insanity I say. Ice skating? WTH sharp blades on frozen water – yeah, that sounds appealing. Skiing? you people are crazy.

Saturday night it was pretty cold out, I really didn’t want to go out but had told a few folks I’d meet them at a dance so I felt obligated. Now if it had been snowing when I was set to leave I would have forgotten about meeting anyone out there. Snow is an automatic cancellation. We have a date and flakes start to drift down – I’ll be canceling.

I really want to live somewhere that it doesn’t snow and you don’t need a jacket more than a couple months out of the year. Is that so much to ask really? “You’ll miss the seasons!” they say. “They” are stupid. I’m going to miss the different allergens that come and go depending on the weather? I’m going to miss leaves changing from green to gold – that’s why I have the internet, I can see pictures (ok, the real reason I have the internet is for porn, like the rest of the male population).

yes, yes, I’m whining today…. Is it spring yet?