Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Gay

  • Husband Hunting

    Husband Hunting

    I’m looking for my special guy. Taking applications or referrals.

    I’ve done the dating apps, the online dating, the blind dates. Been engaged once, in love a few times and played around more than I probably should have. I’ve had good dates, bad dates and bad break ups that left me an emotional wreck. I’ve had elicit affairs with married guys – most of the time that didn’t feel right to me. I take vacations to destinations where I know I’ll get to hook up with guys – Ft Lauderdale, Palm Springs, Philadelphia. So I thought I’d just throw together an application for a husband on here and see what happens.

    Jamez March 2022

    I’m looking for something with substance, stability and seriousness. Something passionate, personal and productive. I want a man or men (I’m open to a polyamorous relationship) to call my own, to come home to, and to get lost in his eyes.

    I’ve always had a thing for older guys, when I was in my twenties I drooled over many a 45 or 50 year old – most said I was much too young for something serious. It may not be an age thing but a maturity thing, I like a man who’s grown up, responsible and drama free. I do lust after a man with gray hair though, turns all the right buttons for me. I like furry guys, hair on their chest and on their face, have since forever. When I was just a kid I remember finding a dirty magazine down in the basement. There was one image of a man with a beard and a hairy chest that got my attention more than any of the other ones. Most of the images were hairless, clean shaven men and I just thought meh, not so much. I also like a man with some meat on his bones. A barrel-chested, muscular, beefy man is just the right size. My first lover was a bigger guy, and my first love as well.

    I gravitate towards these types of men and frequent dating sites that cater to them. I like a mans man, with hairy chest, gray hair and some meat on their bones. I like bears, silver daddies and fur… but that’s not written in stone, I’ve found myself drawn to other types of men along the way, this is a guideline for what I’d really like.

    It’s not all about looks, that’s just for starters. I want a man with passion in and out of the bedroom. Someone who has his own loves and habits that I can grow with and live with mine as well. A man that makes me want to be with him, makes me want to give up my video game time to spend it with him instead. So, he should be interesting, funny, lovable, laughable…. understanding, serious, willing to compromise and open-minded. I like to think I’m those things and my friends tell me I am.

    Here’s my current narrative on sites I frequent:

    No face pic no chat no exceptions. Looking for my special guy. I tend to like older, bigger guys. Hairy face and chest are nice. I also like gray hair. Be. honest, have more than one photo, be open to the idea of actually meeting.

    You should have a job, I do. Non smokers only. No vegetarians or vegans need apply – yes, that’s funny but I’m serious.

    I like kissing, sucking and getting fucked. Not really into any kinks. I’m 51, moderately hairy. I like to go slow, enjoy the entire experience and really please my guy and have him please me. I’m open to trying new things and honest about it if I like or don’t like it.

    I’m sarcastic, funny and I like to think smart. Introverted, I’m not big on crowds or meeting new people. Once I meet them I’m usually good a second time, but the first time I’m rather quiet and wary.

    I was born in Wisconsin, lived in DC for almost 2 decades, lived in Phoenix for another and now I’m in Virginia Beach, I’m not tied to any location really. I don’t like winter that’s a big deal, hate might be the word.

    I’m clean and sober, don’t go to meetings any longer but still maintain my sobriety. I’m an atheist, my choice, my belief and you’re free to have yours. I’m respectful of others choices as far as alcohol, drugs and religion go… you don’t push yours on me and I won’t push mine on you. I’m a diabetic. I have depression and anxiety. all being treated with medications and diet.

    I like animals, cats and dogs mostly… don’t think I’d be ok with a pet pig or llama.

    I like to travel, consider myself something of a writer, like to walk and swim… but not much into exercise really… and I have a little belly to show for that.

    I’d like to know more about you so feel free to hit me up so we can chat.

    So what about me? what’s do I bring to the table….

    I’m 53 now, moderately hairy, 5’9″, around 220. I have a little belly, which I’m half-heartedly working on. I like food and hate exercise so it’s not as easy as I want it to be. I have around 20 tattoos, most mean something to me. My ears are pierced but I rarely wear earrings and if I do usually studs. I wear a couple of rings once in a while as well. I’m most comfortable in t-shirt and jeans, but dress up business casual for the office most days. I look quite good in a tux, but honestly who doesn’t? I shave my head and usually have a goatee.

    Writing is a passion of mine. www.bookofjamez.com More so before one of my medications started to mess with my creative process.. used to be I’d regularly get ideas in my head that wouldn’t go away until I got them down on paper (or screen as the case usually is), but now it’s rare an idea gets stuck there and I write less and less frequently.

    Medications? what’s wrong with me? well let’s see: I’m clean and sober 27 years, have depression, anxiety, diabetes (my A1C is 6.5), and high cholesterol. My PCP (Primary Care Physician), who happens to be very cute, says I need to lose 10 pounds. I’m taking Prep – if you know you know. I take my medications regularly and am honestly trying to eat better. My depression is being contained and rarely flares up to where it drives me to despair. My anxiety is usually event driven – people or places can make me anxious and I do some meditation, breathing to help with that but have emergency meds if it gets crazy.

    I’m a malcontent. A glass truly empty kind of guy. I find it funny most of the time when I look at the world that way. I look at the world through my own eyes and sometimes those views don’t match what society would like them to. But it’s not a harmful thing.

    I keep my room relatively clean, organized and make my bed. I have art on the walls and electronic gadgets everywhere. There is a small Superman collection on a dresser and I will likely get more and more Superman stuff.

    I’m not a fan of the cold or winter. I go home to Wisconsin for Christmas because that’s what my Ma wants, and you should always do what your Ma wants. But will go out of my way to avoid the cold if I possibly can. I vacation in warm places.

    Jamez January 2022

    I love music, I can sing and usually do to any music that happens to be on. Doesn’t matter if it’s Country, Hip Hop, Rock, Heavy Metal, Death Metal or Pop… I love music. I was once in the Gay Men’s Choir of Washington DC (GMCW). I don’t play any instruments, but have a desire to learn to play guitar.

    I am a picky eater. There I said it. I know what I don’t like – mayonnaise, dressings, mushrooms, fish, seafood.. well it’s a lot, but I do try new things. I love Chicken Tikka, a good spicy Mexican dish or good old fashioned hamburger.

    I currently live in Virginia Beach, I’ve not set anything permanent here. I live with my best friend, her husband and their bandmate. I spend a lot of my time in my room, but do socialize and engage with them regularly.

    My friends and family all say I’m a nice guy. I think I’m an honest guy and sometimes people don’t like that. It takes a while for me to warm up to people but once I do they tend to warm up to me too. I have 2 best friends, one’s a straight guy (Eric) and one’s a straight girl (Suzanne). You can ask either of them about me and they’ll tell you the truth, good and bad. I have a small circle of friends that I see regularly, and a large circle of friends I see on Facebook or know from years past that I have moved away from.

    I have 2 families. One is my blood relatives all of whom we share the same Mother (who passed back in 2001 or 2002? I don’t remember) and one foster family of whom I lived with for 2 years in my youth. I changed my name legally to honor my foster father back in 2009 (he passed suddenly in 2008) and at that time changed my first name to James with a Z. I love both my families and consider myself lucky to have them.

    I’ve not been in a long term relationship before really. I was engaged to a guy and that lasted about a year before he called it off. I had a sexual relationship with one guy for 4 years and loved him very much. But other than that not lived with another man that was my own. I do adjust/mold myself to fit into situations and make things work, so I’m not worried about fitting in with someone, I think I do that well.

    Sales is my current occupation, I’ve been doing it for a little over a year now and I’m doing it well by all measurable standards. I’ve been an Office Manager, Personal Assistant, Data Geek and worked in a grocery store a long time ago. I have only had one bad review in my careers and it shocked the hell out of me, I think she just didn’t like me.

    So anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for him, that one special guy

    Jamez April 2021
    Jamez May 2021
    Jamez 1988 Senior Pic
    Jamez September 2021
    brrr winter
    Birthday Boy
  • Catfished

    Catfished

    “Catfishing is when someone sets up a fake online profile to trick people who are looking for love, usually to get money out of them.”

    So I met a guy online (Bear411.com), handsome, charming, complimentary. A nice guy who really liked me. He had only one photo on the site, and I have a rule – that I break all the damn time – that says I should say NO to those profiles. His profile also had a red flag of not having any narrative. He’s in another state, Rhode Island, but all the really hot guys seem to be in another state.

    It started out innocent enough. He looked at my profile so I looked at his. He was handsome, I told him so by signing his guestbook..

    “You’re handsome” I post on his profile

    “Thanks so are you” he replies

    “How are you doing tonight?” I ask

    “Just looking at your gorgeous photos” he responds [should have known then that he was a liar]

    “How old are you?” I inquire, again nothing on his profile

    “I’m 57, 5’4″, stocky build, single” I respond with my stats, even though they are on my profile, men don’t read. I like his stats, he’s a little short but that’s fine.

    “Nice” and then “what would you do on our first date” [this gets my guard down, he’s not just after sex, he’s interested in more than that… it increases my interest in him]

    “Lots of kissing, get to know you, hold your hand and take you out to eat. Stare into your eyes” [he has blue eyes in his photo]

    The narrative goes on and on and gets steamy after a while. Our interests are the same, our sexual appetite synchs. He’s a great chatter and I find myself liking him more and more. We chatted on Bear411 for about an hour back and forth.

    At the same time we both post “If you want you can text me at 555-1212”

    I go to bed that night with pleasant thoughts of a guy I just met online.

    We start chatting right away in the morning. He’s pleasant and tells me he can’t stop looking at my photos online. I send him a few photos directly to his number, he likes those too and continues to tell me how sexy and attractive I am. I’m so into him, he’s really a sweet romantic and great guy… The texting gets very sexual and that’s all good stuff, I mean really good. Perfect even.

    I ask for a few photos of him and he sends them, about 4 photos and he’s still just as handsome and didn’t suddenly turn into a troll or anything. I call him to hear his voice – no personalized voicemail but I leave a message and tell him how sweet I think he is and that I’m looking forward to meeting him. He calls back, he’s at work and can’t talk but wanted to let me know he got my call.

    We text back and forth for days, I let him know I’d love to come visit and start looking at flights to Providence. He says that he works most weekends and only has one off a month and wants me to wait until he can get time off from his supervisor. He’s doing well at his job and getting promoted soon, being trained for a better position. I call again, get his voicemail and leave a message.

    I tell other people about him, they are all excited and asking questions. A few ask if I am sure he’s not leading me on or lying to me. One asks if we’ve Facetimed and I say we have, but we haven’t.. I’m not going to be scammed, I’m very internet savvy. People are happy that I met this nice guy, even if he’s in Rhode Island.

    One day he texts me that he’s sick. People get sick and it’s the Covid world now so this doesn’t shock me and I don’t lose interest. The next day he’s at the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital. I ask him for a photo in his cute little gown and he sends me one. I don’t notice the date on the photo.

    I show concern for his health, ask questions about how they’re treating him. Try to discover what’s wrong exactly. Ask if he wants me to send flowers to the hospital and he declines. I call to chat with him, he doesn’t answer so I leave a message. He texts later that he was sleeping and sorry he missed my call.

    He’s texting less and less. I attribute it to his being sick and in the hospital. He lets me know they took him into surgery on Sunday for a twisted intestine.

    Now in the back of my mind I remembering when I was in the hospital for a few things over the years but they never took me into surgery on a Sunday, so I have some doubts at this point if he’s being honest with me or maybe he’s just trying to blow me off.

    A few days later they release him from the hospital and he’s “safe at home in my little bed”. I’m happy for him and glad he’s home safe. He tells me a nurse came to check on him at 12 and would be back in the afternoon again to see him. This too I find suspicious, what kind of insurance does this guy have that that would happen.

    I poke at him that he could call me and I’d answer, he promises to call the next day.

    He doesn’t call. I don’t prompt him to call.. I want to, but I control myself.

    The next night while doing something on TikTok that required me to show a photo from years ago and one from today I see his hospital photo at the beginning of my photo feed. That’s curious to me, why would it be there. I open the photo and look at the metadata and see that it’s dated for October 2006.

    Now I’m convinced he’s telling stories… but still want to believe he’s not. Suzanne suggests I insist we Facetime, which I now think is good advice. I text him that night “We need to video chat as soon as you’re feeling better”

    I don’t hear from him for days. I don’t text or call him. Scared him off with the video chatting I guess.

    Now, he didn’t ask me for money and I’m not sure he would have. I think he was just after the romance of it and gets off on that. But it’s possible in a few days he would have asked me to send him money, I was already wary and don’t think I would have done that even if I hadn’t been.

    He did text me back after three days “I’m sorry, you deserve a great guy and to be happy. I was really falling for you” and that was it. I didn’t respond.

    I’m thinking he can do this to someone else, only with my photos that I shared with him. And I think he will, I’m not that bad looking… or maybe I am. I certainly feel stupid and maybe I look gullible.

    I am an idiot and started to develop feelings for this guy just over text and a few photos. I was genuinely concerned with his well being. I did that thing again where I thought positive about someone. I know better.

    I think a lot of people have that desire to find that special someone and it’s easy to get lost in it without following your own rules. So again Jamez – one photo, no narrative, too nice, too handsome, too sweet… probably a damn liar. Don’t trust anyone and certainly stop hoping – it only hurts later.

  • Max – a short story

    Max – a short story


    It was the night of the school’s annual letterman ceremony and banquet, where kids in sports and art throughout the year were awarded letters and accolades for participation and excellence in extracurricular activities. Many families were in attendance, in addition to all the team members from Basketball, Football, Track and Field as well as Chorus and Drama Club members. Coaches and teachers were sprinkled amongst the tables, proud of their student’s successes. The many tables at the banquet were filled with the different clicks and groups. No one really sat outside of their comfort zone, with the exception of 

    Max Thompson, the team captain and quarterback of the football team sat next to his parents. He was to be the main speaker tonight after all the awards were presented. He had led his team this year to the state championship and they won, he was voted MVP and was admired by many. He was dressed in a shirt and tie that was very uncomfortable around his thick neck. He, once again, stuck a finger into his collar and tried to stretch it out… his mother admonished him for this “Stop it” she said. He smiled at her and gave an extra tug on the collar to irk her. 

    Cheryl Thompson was proud of her son, following in the footsteps of his father and being his spitting image as well. Her only child, she doted on him but was careful to not do so too much, no need for him to be dependent on Momma, especially when there was such a good daddy to look up to. She was dressed to the nines, wearing a dress that accentuated her breasts and lined her hips sleekly.

    John Thompson, a stoic massive man with bulging biceps and a square jaw, loved his son. He had raised the boy to be a continuation of his own great legacy in the town. While he was proud of his own trophies and accolades from high school and beyond, his goal with his son was for him to surpass him on all fronts and show everyone the merit of a Thompson.

    Across from the Thompsons sat Max’s best friend James and his family the Moore’s. The Moore’s, in comparison, were rather plain. Fred Moore was a skinny man in a plain suit and Sarah Moore wore a blouse and slacks. James too would receive accolades tonight and letter for the second year in a row.   

    Max and James had been best friends since elementary school, neither far from the others side. If Max signed up for an extracurricular activity, it was certain James would as well. They lived just houses apart and spent many evenings passing the ball around or talking on one another’s porch. Sleep overs were just a regular part of the week, many a night they’d be studying into the wee hours and just fall asleep at the other’s house. Vacations, sports, classes… they did everything together. Known throughout school as the dynamic duo – Max’s favorite person to pass to on the field was James, and they seemed unbeatable.  

    The basketball, baseball and chorus teams had all received their letters and accolades, football was up next. A good portion of the team lettered this year including two freshmen who were exceptional on the field. Max and James would be last to be awarded letters as was the usual for the stars, they like to build up to the excitement of it. As their teammates received letters Max looked over at James and smiled his wide smile. James looked back and winked. 

    As the night went on and dinner was served, the time of Max’s speech was quickly approaching.

    “Know what you’re going to say right?” asked his dad. 

    “Don’t be silly John, he’s wrote out a speech and worked on it all week. He’s been very nervous about it” his mother stated.

    Max turned red just thinking about getting up there and speaking to the crowd of people. He was getting more and more nervous as the hour approached. He filled his mouth with a fork full of prime rib and chewed slowly. Most of the time his parents didn’t need his input to have conversations around him, this was probably one of those times. James smiled at him, having been around Max’s parents enough to see this type of thing before. 

    As dinner was finishing up and dessert about to be served Max made his way to the main stage where he would be speaking. His mother was right, he had worked very hard on his speech and was certain it was perfect. He was nervous though about how it would go and what would be said after. He felt right about it, knew it had to be as he couldn’t contain himself anymore. 

    The emcee clinked on his glass to get the rooms attention and then coughed before introducing Max. 

    “As you all know, Max Thompson is one hell of a football player” the emcee said to a roar of applause. “He’s also in the top five of his class this year academically and an upstanding member of the community, volunteering at several good will institutions. Voted MVP this year for his exemplary work on and off the field with his team, please help me in welcoming Max Thompson!”

    The people clapped and stood in ovation as Max approached the dais. Max felt sweat roll down his back and hoped he wouldn’t feel it collect on his forehead as well. He took a sip of water and surveyed the room – his eyes focused on James and felt himself relax. 

    His prepared speech already on the podium, he began talking. He’d memorized what he was going to say so the speech was just a crutch in case he needed it or got lost. Teams, togetherness, hard work, and dedication were key points of his talk. He touched on certain teammates that went the extra mile, coaches who inspired and motivated and his own continued strivings through the team. He really felt at ease, he knew this stuff and knew what the crowd expected of him. 

    As he was getting close to wrapping up he grew more and more nervous. His hands began to sweat and he chided himself – here you are captain of the football team scared to death of some words. Scared to death of the truth. Scared to death to finally be himself. 

    “In closing,” he began “I want to thank the most important person in my life. The one person who keeps me going each day and makes it all worth it.”

    His father straightened in his chair and beamed, his mother placed her hand on his shoulder, tears filling her eyes. A few of his coaches sat a little straighter too. 

    Max paused to take a drink of water, his hand trembling a bit. 

    “My partner not just on the field but in my life, my boyfriend James. James,” he said turning to face him directly “thank you for all you do for me and for always being there with me on this journey, I love you.”

    The room was silent. The star QB was gay and in love with his receiver. This was stunning.

    Then there was applause, from the most unlikely source ever. Max’s dad. And he stood. Giving his son a standing ovation, slowly others joined in and then most of the room was standing and applauding. Max was shocked, he was in awe of the acceptance of his town, his school, his teammates and especially his dad. He looked out again for James and found him.

    His father and mother had their coats on and were dragging James out of the room. James looked back at Max, eyes wide mouth agape. Not a look of condemnation but one of love and fear. 

    Max, who moments ago was feeling elated at the support he seemed to receive was now crushed as he watched James get taken away. He hadn’t thought about consequences for James as much as he did for himself, he was the one who had opened himself up, it wasn’t James’s fault at all. He beat himself up, how could he not have foreseen this. 

    After the banquet and tons of people coming to him to say how this didn’t change how they felt or how proud they were of him. He did get a few that advised it was probably a phase he was going through and he might want to wait until he’s older. Overall though he felt he was received well. All through that he was anxiously waiting calling James or hearing from him to see what happened and if he was alright. 

    As soon as he was able he texted James “R U ok? Where r u?”

    James was usually pretty good about texting back right away, but nothing came after five minutes.

    He was worried and he expressed his fears with his parents, they tried to reassure him that everything would be fine. That this was just a big shock to James’s parents and they may need time to adjust. Max’s dad said, “Let it sit until morning, you can survive that long without hearing from him”. Max headed to his room to try to sleep, sent another message or two to James, but again heard nothing.

    He tossed and turned all night, kept checking his phone every hour or so for updates or word, but nothing was there. He woke up at dawn and decided enough was enough and headed over to James’s house. 

    He creeped as quietly as he could over to James’s bedroom window along the side of the house. He tapped on the window. 

    Nothing.

    He tapped again, a little louder.

    Nothing.

    Not giving up, he tapped one more time, still a little louder.

    A figure moved to the window and raised the blinds. James was on the other side of the window, the darkness in his room kept Max from seeing him clearly.

    “James,” Max said desperately “I’m so sorry, I thought it would be alright. Are you ok? Are you mad at me?”

    James mumbled something Max couldn’t hear. “What was that?” Max begged, “please talk to me.”

    James reached over and turned on his bedroom lamp and raised the window. What Max saw was outrageous. James had been beaten black and blue and had a bloody lip and what appeared to be a broken nose. His eyes were red from tears and maybe beating there too. 

    “James, honey, what happened” Max pleaded.

    “My dad, he couldn’t handle it, he lost it last night when we got back. He’s sending me away to boarding school and I’m forbidden to see you, he took my phone.” 

    Max grabbed James’s hand “Babe, I’m sorry this happened to you, let’s get you out of here to a doctor”

    “No, I’m going to be fine, no need for a doctor.” James explained “Let’s just let him settle down for a few days and get used to this, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” 

    Max wasn’t sure this was the best idea but didn’t want to push it. He squeezed James’s hand and leaned in to give him a kiss. James kissed back gently, not wanting to push his injured face farther than he had to. 

    Max was about to go when he saw a police car pull up outside the house. Thinking James’s parents had called the cops on him he glanced at James, who had also seen the cop and they silently agreed it was time to go. Max headed for home.

    When he arrived home his mother was waiting for him and gave him a big hug after hearing what had happened to James. She made him breakfast and said “all we can do now is just wait”.

    The knock on the front door came about twenty minutes later, James and his mother were standing at the front door. It had been his mom who had called the cops on James’s dad. He had been arrested for child abuse and was currently in the town jail awaiting trial.

    James’s mom hugged Max and apologized for everything, and assured him they would get through this together. Max grabbed James’s hand and held it tightly, not daring to believe it was all going to work out. 

  • Angry Gay Rant of the Day

    I happen to be gay.

    I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. I didn’t wake up one day and decide “hey let’s be ostracized and hated for the people we love” – I just have always been this way. I happen to like the way I am. Most people know I’m gay, I don’t hide the fact that I like men. I am not overly flamboyant or girlie nor do I wear lots of rainbows, dresses or sparkly clothing – neither do the men I like.

    I am not the stereotypical gay male – most of us aren’t the characters you’ve come to know and love on TV or in movies – we’re just ordinary people who happen to love other ordinary people. Some of us ARE more fabulous than others but the same could be said about straights as well. We are all unique and we all have a right to love whom we want – gay or straight, male or female, binary or non-binary… love is love. (more…)

  • Self Image

    Ever since I can remember I’ve found beefy, stocky, hairy guys attractive.

    I remember finding girlie magazines in the basement apartment of our house – they belonged to one of mom’s many live in boy friends. I remember being just fascinated with the photos in the ad pages of the guys with beards or hairy chests, some of those guys were doing awfully naughty things with other guys and that was amazing.

    The first guy I had sex with was bearish – he was a bigger guy and had a hairy chest, no beard or mustache…. and he took advantage of me and some other kids but it still probably left an imprint on what I look for in mates today.

    I can’t really get aroused when I see the fit gym bodies or the muscular body builder types, it doesn’t do anything for me… but give me a big guy with a football players build, a wide firm front (not his penis, but that’s nice too) and my stomach will do flip flops and get all excited. Gray hair has the same effect and can be a huge turn on for me.

    When I was younger (in my early 20s) I was a thin guy myself (see image from 1995ish)

    I think I looked rather creepy myself. I was pretty thin and usually weighed around 160/170 pounds. I have a hair chest and I couldn’t really grow much of the beard I found so attractive on other guys.

    Now days I’m a little bigger, I have some facial hair that guys seem to like there is more gray in my beard than there is black. But I struggle with how big I am… I have old tapes in my head that tell me I’m too fat, that I need to lose weight that no one will find me attractive.

    Many guys do (some women too… icky) find me attractive though and for that I’m grateful. But it’s hard for me to see that in myself.

    When I look at myself I wish I had hair on the top of my head, that I didn’t wear glasses and that I was skinnier… But I find all of those things sexy in other men. A bald head, gray hair, barrel chest… yum.

    My best friend is a girl… well a woman…and she’s so skinny. But she doesn’t see that herself either. Just like me when I look at me she see’s what she doesn’t like about herself instead of what other people like about her… It must be harder for straight people to compare themselves to what they find attractive in others – facial hair on a girl just doesn’t do it for most.

    Society has put certain notions of what is and isn’t attractive on the screen in the media and all around us… but I just like to look at bearish daddy guys… maybe someday I’ll be happy with what I see in the mirror, but probably not. So I’ll just keep thumbing through Tumblr and looking at what I like.

  • 2014 Better Than I Imagined

    So much happened this year I’m having difficulty believing it all fit in 365 days.

    AA:

    I started work with a new sponsor, Flo. Did another 4th and 5th Step. Sought his advice and direction in many things I’ve never asked a sponsor before, and its really changed who I am. Tonight at my meeting it was on Step 12 (Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs) and just reflecting on the step work this year and my willingness I think I finally feel some of that “joy” we talk about – I still think it’s a bit overrated, but maybe I’ll get used to it.

    I sponsored 4 guys this year – one of them moved back to WI (Matthew); one of them got drunk again (Zack) and then sobered up again; one of them has been sober longer than I (Mark); and one of them just kind of disappeared (Jordan).  Each of them helped me tremendously this year and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to share with them (even if sometimes they don’t listen). The very first sponsee I ever had (David) passed away and I was with my current sponsor when I received the news. (more…)

  • Step 5 – Exact Nature of My Wrongs

    I shared my inventory with my sponsor tonight – I think this is the fourth time I’ve done a 5th step in 20 years. I was raised in AA that, or at least I heard, we do one 4th step and any other inventory is covered in step 10 – this could bring about a ton of debate about what’s right or what’s wrong, suffice to say I can’t go back and change any of that, and it worked for me…. until it didn’t.

    The first time was at RTC, a treatment center in LaCrosse WI. They had me fill out some booklet of questions about the worst things I had done or something along those lines, I didn’t really understand it and when it was time to share (Step 5) the religious minister/priest whatever they had come listen to it with me wasn’t all that engaged with me. He said when I was done “Is that it? Do you feel better now?” and that was my 5th step. I didn’t feel better, was still pretty confused and wasn’t at all comfortable with the robe wearing guy. (more…)

  • Coming Out and Coming to Terms with Me

    A friends brother came out recently after many years of being closeted and she wanted to talk to me about how that kind of thing can happen… so I wrote this long email to her and decided I should put it here too.

    Long before I had any notion of what it meant to be gay I found men attractive (especially bearded, hairy men). When I’d play with my superhero figures it was usually Batman and Superman that were kissing – Wonder Woman was nowhere to be found, it could be that I didn’t have Wonder Woman… who would buy a boy Wonder Woman in the 70s? We were actually pretty poor and I don’t recall having Superman and Batman dolls so that was all in my imagination… so I could have thought of Wonder Woman, but she didn’t come up.

    It didn’t take long to see how homosexuals were portrayed on TV and in movies and even though I couldn’t identify as one yet, I was suddenly much more aware of how limp my wrist was or how I walked, talked and dressed, I’d seen the way other people (my parents, TV stars, school kids) talked about gay people and I didn’t want them to talk about me like that so I was very careful at a very young age to not show too many signs… lol, seems silly to me now. Elementary school and high school gym class and shower rooms were very uncomfortable and i would get out of there as soon as possible, not looking at anything because I knew I might get excited and then I’d be discovered, the worst were the gym teachers and coaches – with their hairy arms and full bodies… just don’t look, just don’t look.

    When I was around 12 or 13 an adult friend of my mother seduced me and took me – and several other kids in our small town – as his own for his pleasure. That was more secretive than being gay and exciting too. Finally the things I couldn’t really put into words or thoughts in my head were happening and it felt good but it felt bad too and it was a struggle to get through with that. It didn’t help that at that point I didn’t have any positive male figures in my life, all my mothers husbands beat her and were drunk no one I wanted to be like. This was the first time I had been loved, that I could tell, by another man.

    When the adult that molested me was caught they sent us to therapy, in the 80s at the beginning of the AIDS crisis, what I heard the therapist say was “if you enjoyed any of that than your a sick pervert too and will catch AIDS and die…” again, that’s what I heard what he actually said might have been something very different. But it did instill in me again this feeling that I WAS WRONG, not that there was something wrong with me but I was completely wrong.

    When I was seeing a therapist while in my foster home I was honest with him about my feeling towards other guys and explained I could only get off thinking about guys… he suggested that that was a learned behavior and could be changed… if I wanted to I could imagine cars when I was beating off and after enough time that would change, I was desperate to be normal and not “get AIDS and die” … sadly, thinking about girls, or cars… didn’t seem to do it for me… and wasn’t satisfying, so I gave up.

    Outside of the molestation, I didn’t have sex with anyone until I was 19 or 20. My friends convinced me I had to have sex with a girl so that happened.. but I honestly had to think about a man to perform. It wasn’t enjoyable, it didn’t feel right and it wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again… but my friends were excited for me, I felt they accepted me a little bit more now that I was normal…

    During my first drug and alcohol treatment I discussed my gay thoughts and feelings about it with my counselor… who suggested I might be gay… which I didn’t like very much. How dare he say such a thing! Even though I’d been fighting that very thought for years in my own head. But the thought stuck there and I started to give in – I was a doomed homosexual and the world would hate me.. and the “God” of my understanding was going to condemn me to hell because of something I didn’t have a say about.

    After that treatment, when I was drinking again, a friend offered to let me see if I was really gay by having sex with him… he wasn’t “gay” of course, just doing a favor for a friend… It wasn’t really an enjoyable experience, but he wasn’t exactly my type either. So I didn’t repeat that experiment and it didn’t answer any of my questions about myself really.

    After my second (and hopefully last) treatment visit I decided I was gay, but I didn’t have to act on it… so at night I’d pleasure myself and then ask “God” as I understood him, to forgive me for being a monster… every night, again and again…

    At that time, the mid 90s, the internet was pretty new so there weren’t the massive amounts of gay sites there are now… so I did this Phone Bank thing where you could listen to guys on voicemail like things and then hook up… the closest city was Minneapolis/St Paul and I found a guy that I was interested in base mostly on his voice – he didn’t sound “gay”. I told my two best friends I was going to my Ma and I told my Ma that I was going to a conference – this is me in early AA lying… even though I know I have to be honest about everything to stay sober… and I went up to the Twin Cities and had the best time ever with this guy who was very patient, gentle, understanding and virile… OMG VIRILE, insatiable event. Then I was being destroyed by the lie… I felt so horrible for the lie but felt so right about what I had done… it was so conflicting, so I told my two best friends that I lied to them and told them the truth about me, which they knew anyway, but it felt better to be honest.

    one of those two best friends was moving to Washington DC and told me that I had to come with “Eau Claire WI is no place for a gay boy to be” and I jumped at the chance, but mostly to get out of WI, it wasn’t about exploring being gay at all. When I told my co-workers I had to tell them something (that I was leaving) one of them said “You’d better not be coming out, you fucking faggots all need to die”

    When I did get to DC it was amazing: guys were holding hands with one another ON THE STREET, for that matter, there were other races and some of them were holding hands with other races and some of them were gay or lesbian… I didn’t know what the hell was going on… it was so cool but I didn’t think you could do those things…

    Shortly after moving there I was walking down 17th street, minding my own business and a car of a bunch of kids drove by and tossed a half-full beer can at me yelling “fucking faggot”… so there was that, this hatred of me for being me was everywhere not just in my head or in small town America, even in our nations capital.

    I learned more and more about gay people and our history the longer I was in DC. I became more and more comfortable with myself the more I let myself… I came out to my entire family (loved ones) via an email on National Coming Out Day in 1998… and later that year I came out to my mother by wearing a t-shirt that said something clever like “my boyfriends mother doesn’t know I’m gay” or some such… she was not amused 😉

    I’m a typical gay man, because I happen to like having sex with other gay men… but in other senses I’m not a typical gay man. I don’t care about the Tony Awards or Liza Minnelli, I’m not a fan of drag shows or say “fabulous” a lot… but not all straight people like NASCAR or Fox News or find Rhiana attractive… I’m an individual who finally came to terms with being who I am after much trial and error. Are there still times I feel hated by others? sure. Are there times I hate myself? not so much anymore. I think I’m fortunate to live in these times when people start to realize that there are more than one kind of love, more than one kind of relationship in the world… To come out today with all the wonderful things happening for gay people … well it would have been a great time to get to know myself… but I wouldn’t trade the struggles I had for an easier softer way, those struggles shaped me into the man I have become and I like him… I wouldn’t date him, not my type at all 😀

  • Misreading People

    I’m not very good at reading people I guess. Recently two things happened that I didn’t expect based on how a person reacted with me.

    When I interviewed for my current job in Arizona I did video (Skype) interviews and on more than one occasion my interviewer (now one of my bosses) leaned away from the camera and crossed her arms – I thought for sure she didn’t want me to have the job. Having been on this job for a couple of months now I see that she does that in all kinds of different circumstances and I’m not sure why.

    Saturday afternoon I had a date and I told the guy he was handsome – he didn’t respond… I’m like WTF am I hideous? Then later he did the same thing as my boss – he leaned away from me and crossed his arms and I thought it was over… five minutes later he invited me to his house to go swimming and the rest is censored… 😉

    I think its easy to look at something and see something that isn’t true at all about it, I should know better. I’ll have to judge people based on their actual actions not just their body language in any given situation.

    On a side note a woman on the sober bowling league last week pulled me aside and said: You’re gay aren’t you.

    I wasn’t even wearing a rainbow shirt or anything… but yes, I told her – I’m gay. I think she and I will become friends over time here, she’s crazy and that’s the type of friend I tend to attract (no offense intended if you’re a friend reading this… but honestly… your crazy 😀 )

    I’ve had a couple of dates here and only one that I really enjoyed. I will continue to have dates and see if there is anyone I like enough to see more than a few times but I don’t have any expectations.

     

  • My Experiences with DC AA

    Lets be honest: I come from a different place filled with hard nosed, tradition preaching, big book thumping recovery. I recall an old friend in the program, Buck C. (who passed a few years back) who had come to the Eau Claire area from the south and struggled mightily with AA up there.  Each group is autonomous everywhere you go, you don’t realize how autonomous until you get out of your comfort zone.

    One of the first meetings I attended in DC was at the Dupont Circle Club, I think on a Saturday back in 1998. Typical AA clubhouse with smokers out front blocking the entrance, old friends chatting away about what’s going on and a few solo folks like myself trying to figure out where to sit. The most shocking part of the meeting was during the reading of “How It Works” when everyone in the room started to chant along to the steps being read, I started laughing (I still chuckle every time I hear this). Then the meeting was filled with mostly bad day stuff – it was a topic meeting after all. But a few people talked recovery and I came back a few days later and had the same experience and those same people were talking solution. I asked one of them to be my sponsor here and he agreed and told me I had to call him every day. “Every day?” I asked, “yes, he said, that’s the deal”. This seemed like a pretty stupid thing to do for someone who was three years sober, but I did honestly try to do this for a few days. Eventually I gave up on that and just didn’t call him again.

    I had never been to a Gay AA meeting up to this point and decided to try one out and this time I thought I should find a Step or Big Book meeting. I found a Wednesday night gay 12×12 meeting and gave it a try. One thing about Gay AA is all the eye candy, but at that time i was pretty overwhelmed by the whole thing. I sat in the back and thought the meeting was just ok. I was planning to sneak out when the guy next to me said “you’re new here”.

    That was Michael K and he was the only person to talk to me at that meeting – that’s why I asked him to be my sponsor. He never did ask me to call him every day or I don’t think once a week. He ended up being just what i needed at the time to acclimate to gay culture and stay in AA. (He’s also a StarTrek fan so that helped a lot). He suggested I do thing reluctantly and I did them, usually “fun” social activities with peers – eeeewww. Michael is my friend today and we still talk a lot about everything, though not as often as we used to.

    I attended that Wednesday night meeting and a Sunday morning meeting both gay meetings pretty regularly and made some friends in there. Some of those friends are still friends today, most are just acquaintances – hard to maintain friendships if I don’t see them and I don’t go to those meetings regularly at all. I was at the Wednesday night meeting after I found out my Ma had breast cancer and I shared in that meeting that I “felt like such a pussy” and you should have seen the hackles that were raised on the lesbians… wow. This was also a time when, mostly the lesbians, would try to make all the readings gender neutral and replace “Him” “He” “His” “Men” and anything else with “Him/Her” or some gender neutral term – I found it annoying.

    I really missed having a good Big Book meeting to attend and all the ones I would try to attend were reading the stories in the back or really just bad day meetings with a Big Book name. So a few months before 9/11 I attempted to start a new meeting based on the format of a group I attended in WI on Monday nights. I had a lot of people interested in it and about 10 people were at the first few meetings. It was a rather strict format and people were asked to stay on the subject of what was read – what happened was people got upset who came because they wanted to talk about what happened to them that day and the group felt they should be allowed to. That ended my experiment with creating a Big Book meeting here (or so I thought).

    Many years ago in WI someone told me I have no tact. That seems pretty accurate.

    In meetings I would frequently speak out against things I considered to be inaccurate or complete bullshit – like “Pills are just dry alcohol so feel free to talk about whatever you need to, it’s all the same.” and I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut and it would show that I would be visibly upset about it. At a business meeting for the Wednesday night meeting I suggested we read the Traditions more frequently (they read three at one meeting at the end of the 12 Step cycle) it was not taken as a good suggestion, this is what they’ve done for years why change now. Open minds I could not find, or so it seemed.

    I also tend to think a lot of the talk in Gay AA is “I drank the way I did because I was gay”. But I believe that alcoholics drink they way they do because they are alcoholics – gay, straight, bi whatever.

    I started to branch out and look for other meetings. A meeting close to home was labeled a “big book” meeting but when I went there were no books in sight – there were lots of  women and the goal apparently was to have a more horrible story than the woman before you and get lots of “Amen”s. I found my way to the West Side Club, a “Big Book” meeting there was discovered to not actually be anymore, but it was suggested I try out the Sunday morning meeting there and I did. I discovered that I rather liked it – still not a lot of book or tradition talk or practice that I could make out, but the folks were friendly and once in a while you could hear someone talk about their experience with the steps and/or how their sponsor took them through the book and how important it was.

    That’s a recurring thing here – I can go to a meeting every day and hear days and days of crap, but once in a while someone comes through and shines with a real message of hope and expressing the promise that the program of recovery offers. My problem is I don’t think we should have to wade through all that shit to see hope – and newcomers especially need to have a clear path with directions.

    Eventually I gave up on the gay meetings altogether. I did go to the Florida Round Up one year despite myself, I had told myself that contempt of it … well contempt prior to investigation is a bad thing – There main speaker had several decades of time, but her talk consisted almost entirely of her relationship with her lover and very little program of action.

    I subscribed to a few Speaker of the Month CDs and those helped to sustain me when I’d get discouraged about the whole scene here. I have had social workers and psychiatrists friends tell me that some of their clients find the same lack of real recovery here compared to where they were from.

    After a low time in my spiritual life (see story here) I asked a man from gay AA to sponsor me. He had what I wanted, but I couldn’t describe it then… I think it’s serenity. He’s a calming that I needed. I also found my way back to some gay AA meetings, but it hadn’t changed either. The people were a help – comforting to be around some friendly faces.

    I had been tattooed by my artist a few times, including the circle and triangle symbol of AA on my leg, and he never mentioned that he was in AA until the fall of 2011 (to be honest one of the guys in the shop outed him a few months earlier but it was none of my business). I whine a lot about AA, when you’re getting tattooed you have a lot of time to talk and need topics… AA is a big part of my life (I want to say “AA is my life” but I think I could do more than I’m doing so I’m not going to say that). He suggested I attend a meeting on Saturday that he found tolerable and there were others that were talking real recovery there too… I’ve told this story recently here but will share a bit here too.

    I found a group of folks that also got sober outside of DC, struggling with the same things I’d been struggling with for so long. Those people became my friends, I’m very lucky to have those handful of people in my life – they are shining beacons of hope for people suffering from alcoholism here in DC. We became a group, then we formed a meeting, now we’re paving a road of happy destiny together (well I’m moving and abandoning them all, but I wish i could take them with me).

    I’ve said it a few times before, there is a serious lack of the practice of the Traditions here – I think that’s part of the problem. There is also this need in the city to be politically correct and not hurt anyones feelings – which is scary. Time after time after time the chronic relapsers struggle on, but don’t change a thing about their journey – they get the same sponsor they go to the same meetings, they come and they share about how terrible life is or that their cat died or, my favorite, what they told their therapist today.

    “The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.” Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 2, “There is a Solution”, Page 17

    Nowhere in our text book (the first 164 pages in the Big Book) does it suggest “just come talk about whatever” or “take what you want and leave the rest”. It says we have a common solution, a way out. I worry about the health of AA, we were given the Traditions – ok, maybe Bill forced them on us, but they’re very good tools to keep us whole and let this program be here for several generations to come.

    My current home group, the Tuesday Night 7:15 Big Book Study is the best meeting in the city. If I thought otherwise I’d have a different home group. I hope, if you read this, you think about your group and ask yourself if you’re having to wade through shit to find the gems of recovery at each meeting or if its a gleaming diamond with a few flaws now and then.

    When I get to Phoenix and try out the AA there chances are it wont be like Eau Claire WI nor like DC nor anywhere else that I’ve been, but I’m going to go and spread the message that was so freely given to me by others. And I’m going to ruffle some feather, mostly cause I have no tact.

    One last thing: When’s the last time your group did a group inventory? Ask your old-timers.

    Here’s a link to it: http://www.thejaywalker.com/images/Group_Inventory-8_2005.pdf

    I’m happy that I got to meet some great people in the AA here, but I would have been happier to see some with programs that I’d admire or desire.