Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Random Rantings

  • The C Word

    Sometimes CUNT is the appropriate word. We’ve all met her, she has no respect for other people, she knows she’s better than everyone else, and she makes sure we all know it. There are specific moments when I want to call a woman a CUNT, usually when she does something that interferes with my happiness.

    Now I want to know if it’s ok for a woman to call another woman CUNT? Is it like FAGGOT which apparently is ok if you’re a gay guy calling another gay guy a FAGGOT? Is it like NIGER, which apparently is ok if you’re an African-American calling another African-American a NIGER?

    Could I approach a woman who wasn’t offensive and ask her to please call the offensive woman a CUNT for me? Do you think she’s do it for me or would she get mad cause I wanted to call the other woman that? Women can be such CUNTs about this kind of thing.

    In my creative writing class we were given a story to read which contained FUCK several times. I can’t recall who the writer was at the time, but the use of the word FUCK offended one of the students so much that she came in to class early the next day and wrote several quotes from other famous writers on the board expressing their disdain for cursing. It led, ultimately, to an entire class talking about censorship and forbidden words. The argument of some, and I was probably one of them, was that the more we use these words in ways that are inoffensive (unlike this post) the less power and meaning they have in the real world.

    I would like to think I’m right, but then my memory comes crashing back of walking down 17th Street in gay DC when I first moved to the area. I was minding my own business when car came driving by and the driver pitched his half-full beer can at me and yelled “Fucking Faggot!”. Had the driver had any real courage, he would have slowed down so we could discuss the implications of his being a close minded bigot – but alas, he and his buddies sped away.

    So, yeah, I guess words can sting sometimes, not as much as half-full beer cans, but sting nonetheless.

  • Only The Lonely

    Over the last several months I’ve been fortunate (or unfortunate – depending on how you want to look at it) enough to have heard from several different people how lonely, depressed or just out of sorts they seem to be.

    My advice to each of them has been the same: Maybe you should go to more meetings.

    It’s easy to give the same advice to these people when I met each of them in a 12 step meeting.

    Now it came as a surprise to me when each of these individuals gave me exactly the same answer: I don’t go to meetings anymore. I just don’t feel connected there and don’t think I really need to go anymore.

    Well, I can understand why you feel lonely, depressed and out of sorts. You’ve obviously become well enough that you no longer need other people, a program of recovery or a power greater than yourself.

    I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m not going to enable you, I’m not going to listen to you whine. Get the hell out of your self-imposed seclusion and go to a meeting, you’ll feel better, see people and rejoin the path of recovery that will show you a way of life that is indescribably wonderful.

    “Yeah but…” A friend of mine says that everything after “yeah, but…” is bullshit. I’m all for that, there are no excuses, take the action you need to take to recover for your disease and quit complaining that the world doesn’t treat you right. It’s not attractive.

    If you go to meetings and don’t participate in the fellowship before or after the meetings, that’s half your problem. Whey aren’t you reaching out to other members and calling, emailing or hanging with them?

    “Yeah, but emails aren’t the same…” see above
    “Yeah, but no one really connects with me…” see above
    “Yeah, but my case is different…” see above

    You want to feel a part of, you want to feel like you belong? Take the action. Hold out your hand to shake, raise your hand to share, invite yourself to lunch… Do something.

  • What I heard you say…

    Back in treatment or therapy or somewhere in time that I can’t recall exactly, I remember that I’m supposed to use the phrase:

    “When You , I feel “.

    But usually what happens is that I have a reaction instead.

    When my friend Mark says “Missed you at the meeting on Wednesday.” I don’t usually respond, but inside I feel shame, anger, and less than. I think its a result of when I was in the “cult” in Eau Claire. Everyone else is doing “this thing” and if you’re not then there is something wrong with you, or you don’t want to get better. I realize this is a little weird way to think, but it’s just an automatic response now. So I don’t respond to his little non-question, I just ignore it and try not to form a resentment.

    When my roommate Gary says things at home I have a similar but different reaction. When he asks if a dish (receipt, piece of mail, laundry or whatever) is mine, I hear “Pick up your crap, it’s in my way” and then I get snippy, it’s a horrid way to be and I should know better, means I have to apologize later. Chances are this is childhood stuff from so many different alcoholics around us as a child or maybe it’s something else.

    Who knows.

  • An Idea for the Auto Industry

    I know several of the car companies in America are in trouble, they know it too. We also know that oil is not in never ending supply and we need to find other fuel sources.

    So first the Auto companies that want to change need to make official announcements like:

    “Starting on June 1, 2009 we will begin to produce the final gasoline combustion engine automobiles in all our factories, the final cars will roll out at the end of August. Your last chance to buy a (enter brand name here) is approaching, be one of the last people to own a (Enter Brand name here).

    In September our company will begin it’s two fold plan to produce hydrogen powered vehicles that will be the shape of the future transportation industry.”

    Note the following from Wiki:

    Infrastructure

    The hydrogen infrastructure consists mainly of industrial hydrogen pipeline transport and hydrogen-equipped filling stations like those found on a hydrogen highway. Hydrogen stations which are not situated near a hydrogen pipeline get supply via hydrogen tanks, compressed hydrogen tube trailers, liquid hydrogen tank trucks or dedicated onsite production.

    Hydrogen use would require the alteration of industry and transport on a scale never seen before in history. For example, according to GM, 70% of the U.S. population lives near a hydrogen-generating facility but has just about no access to hydrogen, despite its wide availability for commercial use.[33] The distribution of hydrogen fuel for vehicles in the U.S. would require new hydrogen stations costing, by some estimates, 20 billion dollars.[34] and 4.6 billion in the EU.[35] Other estimates place the cost as high as half trillion U.S. dollars in the United States alone.[36]

    How much is it costing us to bail out the auto industry now? What will it take to be cost effective to these companies?

    I would suggest that the company that took this route would then also invest serious money, time and research into making hydrogen fueling facilities more prevalent on the American landscape. Yes, this is a slow process, but I think its worth the effort.

  • Shadow Government – a reality?

    I should point out right away that I tend to be a conspiracy theorist and this is one of those rants.

    Still there? wow, well thanks… here we go then

    In December (I think) of 2008 the brother to our then President, Jeb Bush, said that it might be a good idea to avoid becoming “the old white-guy party,” and for the republicans to form a shadow government. (Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/01/jeb-bush-gop-setting-up-a_n_147495.html ). Now lots of folks didn’t take this kind of thing seriously, and why would we it’s laughable.

    Or is it?

    On January 30th, 2009, the Grand Ol Party (a.k.a. “the old white-guy party”) elected Michael S. Steele to be the RNC Chairman. This guy’s campaigns have been endorsed by the evil men we already know: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. He says the color of his skin has nothing to do with him being elected, but I disagree. It sets up the Shadow Government perfectly. Not only does it look like the GOP has a change of heart, but it also keeps realists like me wondering what they are really up to, which leave the Shadow Government open to do the things that it thinks needs doing.

    Crazy right? Just wait, it gets better.

    Harry Reid, answered a question about a 10% raise in the congressional budget: “We had a situation — you should direct that question to Senator McConnell,” he said, referring to the Senate Minority Leader, “because we had trouble organizing this year. He wanted to maintain a lot of their staffing even though they had lost huge numbers. And the only way we could get it done is to do what we did. So you should direct that question to Senator McConnell.” Well what do you think they need these extra staff members for? To maintain the offices of Jeb Bush’s Shadow Government of course.

    Now, lots of things are possible. I suppose that the same party that has been “the old white-guy party” for such a long period of time could have possibly changed their tune and thought… Wow, there are other races! Let’s let them have a part in our schemes. That certainly seems likely. That’s why they would put Bobby Jindal out in front of the National audience after Obama, whom we know can speak.

    Seriously, come on, this is all smoke and mirrors. Where are the grumpy white men with money, young wives and guns? This is all so we wont see what the Republicans are really doing. It frightens me.

    OK, I’ll quit ranting for a while, but I think Jeb Bush’s secret government is plotting something, something stupid if he’s anything like his brother, and then we’ll all pay.

  • Superbowl XLIII

    I watched the Superbowl, well, really I watched the ads for the Superbowl – I was reading (Just After Sunset – Stephen King) and tried to pay attention during commercial breaks. Usually the most exciting part of the big game for me is the new commercials.

    First I want to say that this was a chance for automakers to show us something new, something different and something green – I was a little surprised to see any automaker with Superbowl ads at all, these the are most expensive commercials in the year and these folks just begged for money from the taxpayers. If you were going to spend the money perhaps you should have shown us how you’re going to change your business model and make a profit again. Maybe how you were going to help the country relieve itself from its dependence on oil by giving us the vehicles we know you can make, but are unwilling to.

    Second, I know during these tough economic times that NBC had a hard time finding advertisers to fill the spots, but there were entirely too many NBC ads. I did like the Alex Baldwin HULU ad, the Heroes football game, but the rest were overkill.

    Third, this was actually a good game to watch, I gave up on the Cardinals early on, but they came back and stole the show from the ads, engrossing me in the actual game – I know – unthinkable. If they had only come out fighting like that in the first quarter it might have been an entirely different outcome.

    Lastly, I just think it may be time for us to have half time shows move out of the 80s and into the 90s… yes, I know you Bruce fans are all offended thinking this guy will live forever… but I have no intention of watching the show when most of the performers will need to be in walkers to be out there. There are quite a few performers of this decade that could have entertained just as well.

    Anyway, I’m glad the game is over.

  • You Don't Have To Look At It

    So I was having lunch with a friend the other day. Having recently gone back to my old very short hair cut, with a sad face she commented:

    Oh, you cut off your hair again, why did you do that?

    To which I replied: yes, I felt better with it this short and liked how I looked.

    She said: Well you don’t have to look at it unless your looking in the mirror.

    Which really has just managed to get on my nerves over the last few days… I know, I know… I’m not supposed to let things like this bother me anymore, but this is typical of this friend. It’s not just me that she talks this way to I’ve heard her talk to her children and other friends with the same disregard for their feelings.

    I guess after a while I just want to avoid hanging out with this person and just trying to remain friendly without getting close enough to be insulted again. But what kind of a friendship is that? Not much of one at all, but certainly less passive aggressive attacks – so maybe its worth it.

  • Health

    Have I mentioned how much I hate the gym? no… well, let me tell you: I really hate going to the gym.

    I don’t know how people can go and “enjoy” or “love” going. All I ever feel when I go is uncomfortable.

    But I need to get healthy and lose weight, so

    I bought a rowing machine. I actually kind of like using the rowing machine and its in my bedroom staring me in the face (Just came yesterday). So now I’ll get to use it, hopefully.

  • Never Quite What I Expected

    This was quite possibly the oddest year I’ve ever had. I started out the year surrounded by a host of friends supporting me during a small crisis and ended up the year with a host of friends surrounding me during a major crisis. I’ve been very fortunate to have such good friends, family and mentors in my life… and this year it paid off.

    First, the list of Favorite Things of 2008
    Movie: The Dark Knight (Heath Ledger was spectacular and it was a great comic book story)
    Album: Evolver (John Legend) – if you buy any album this year, buy this one
    Video Game: World of Warcraft – Wrath of the Litch King (I am getting a bit bored with the game, it’s been my favorite for 4 or 5 years now)
    TV Show: CSI – lots of changes over at CSI this year, not sure if I’ll like it after all the changes are done but I’m trying to remain open minded.
    Airline: Northwest/Delta – the way they helped me in November was just beyond what I expected – Kudos to them
    Coffee Pot: I got a new one, Cuisinart and it’s the best.. I bought one for Lisa it’s that good
    Gadget: Kindle – electronic books I love this thing and I have a ton of books on it.
    Web page: Facebook – dang this thing is addicting and fun

    As per usual, every Sunday morning if we are in DC – Mark, Robert and i have breakfast somewhere before our Sunday meeting. Annie’s changed their menu this fall so we are currently looking for a new place to eat – we may have found one after much searching.

    I started out the year following up on quitting my job, I had made the decision to quit back in November of 07, and events that happened in December just made me want to hurry out that much sooner. I gave notice, a months notice and told them I’d be happy to help them out for a while until my replacement was settled in. Then I was fired the following week (yes Gary fired). They locked me out of my work station and wiped my Blackberry clean. I was resentful for a while, but most of it got out in my blog and I felt better.

    Jim DiLuigi (who was also fired, but in December) and I wasted no time, but started up Access-Ability Consultants, Inc and have been working steadily since. Its a nice arrangement and we have a lot of fun. This year we made a profit, so that’s a very good thing. We have lots of very busy days and lots of days where we have time for Charlie to send jokes or to find cheap things for Jim to buy at Heartland America. Jim is the Treasurer for Historic Takoma which provides plenty of work for both of us, but doesn’t actually pay the bills 😉

    One of the nicer things about working with Jim is his family. As a result of the new company I’ve been fortunate to get to know some very special people better than I had a chance to know them before: Ana Maria, Lisa (and Rankine), David (and Regina), Mark (and Kate) and Jim’s Mom and brother as well. I will let you know that it got a little tense during some of the political circus this year as the DiLuigi family are not all the same political party… it was fun to see some of the back and forth banter.

    I’ve tried dating this year, been on several dates with several men … yes, JUST dates. There have been some promising candidates, but I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve, why would I want to. I’m still looking and its been a lot of fun. wish me luck.

    The cats (Q and Mouse) are fine, though Q has some kind of psychological disorder – or i assume so cause the Xrays found nothing ($338 later) to tell why he wont poop in the box.

    This was a high school year, not just the faux high school reunion, I also spent time with Eric and Kelly here in DC, and then Eric and I had a great weekend at the Renaissance Fair and Baltimore this fall. Ted, Eric, Rick, Jeff, Tim… hell a ton of folks are on Facebook, so I know what’s going on in their daily lives.

    I took several trips this year.

    In April Suzanne and I spent a weekend in NY (NJ and NY really) and besides someone breaking into her car (they didn’t steal anything, and the Ipod I had bought her for Christmas was in the Jeep – we think they were looking for the GPS) we had a great time. I saw my first play on Broadway – Young Frankenstein. I heard alot about Paul (Suzanne’s fiance) this weekend, but I didn’t get a chance to meet him until December. Suzanne’s dog Destiny had been very old at this point and Suzanne had her put to sleep, it was sad.

    In May I took a trip for my AA birthday (14) I went to Ft Lauderdale, but didn’t have quite as much fun as I normally do (read what you want into that).

    In June I took my first trip to Wisconsin for Scooters going away party. He graduated high school and took off for basic training. It’s always nice to spend time with Pat and Brenda and I, of course drove down to see Ma, Pa and Rhonda in Galesville and also visited Jim’s daughter in Nashville – that was very enjoyable it was nice to spend time with Lisa, her husband Rankine and their dogs Daisy and Buddy. so of course I missed gay pride in DC again… nothing new there.

    In July I took another trip to WI, this time for my pseudo 20 year reunion. Just a few of us decided to meet up and reminisce. It was a trip to see Rosy, Ted, Eric and Jen again. I hope we do it often. It was very nice and I stayed at Ma and Pa’s for 4 days I think. I got back and the next night went to see George Michael perform at the Verizon Center with Mark and Robert – I don’t much care for concerts so that’ll likely be my last one.

    In August, Pat, Brenda and Anna (Scooters girlfriend) came to DC to visit Scooter after Basic and then make me play tour guide… they had fun torturing me. In August a friend, John Dunn, died, it was sudden, unexpected and sad. He was one of the nicest people I ever met here in DC, he was mourned by many across the area.

    In October Jim and I finalized plans to take a trip to Cancun in November, I invited my good friend Brenda to go with me and then gave her a hard time every other day. One day I called and told her that the passport number she gave me was listed as invalid… she turned the car around and headed home… then I told her I was fibbin… she swore then. lol

    So of course the day my Pa died in November (15th) I called her as she was about to board the commuter plane to come to DC for the trip to Cancun and at first she didn’t believe me … don’t cry wolf.

    My Pa dying was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. I cried like I had never cried before and I still miss him. I hope that I will always miss him. I get teary and sad off an on since I found out. I don’t really want to talk about it here… again… I miss my Pa. I am trying to be a better son, trying to be a better brother by staying more in touch with Ma and Rhonda… and as a result I’m trying to be a healthier person also. I had so much support from friends when this happened, and I am so very grateful that they were there and I hope I can be there for them if a similar situation occurs.

    In December I spent 5 days for my birthday in San Diego, exploring, playing tourist and relaxing. It was the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait to go back.

    The weekend before Christmas I went to Suzanne’s, met her fiance Paul and her new dog Farley. We had a lovely visit.

    That was my year, it went by entirely too fast, but overall it was a good year. The people (salads and dogs) that have moved on this year made me into the person I am today – which is a good thing.

    If you want to know full on details about anything that was written above, try looking at my blog: http://mrjamezq.blogspot.com almost everything that happened this year to me was documented.

    I hope you all have a lovely year and I hope that I may get to share just a tiny fraction of yours with you.

    love

    jamez

  • Inaugural Invasion

    Well, first I just had a flash in my head of Mid Atlantic Leather (MAL) being on the same weekend as President-Elect Obama’s inaugural… wow, tons of guys in leather decending on our nations capital at the same time as the tourists and historist (new word – people that want to be a part of history, but wont actually be able to see anything the entire time, as we’ll be overrun). Maybe the Prez-Elect would visit the Eagle that night, that would be cool.

    Anyway, I know this is a big deal, and I know at least a million people are expected to come to our fine city… and I just can’t help but think that I want to be anywhere but here that weekend. I understand the people in charge of the festivities are planning 4 days of events. 4 days! just wow. I know there are several other things going on that weekend (MAL, MLK Jr Day, Inauguration, snow… ) and I just cant’ imagine finding services that wont have long lines, or escalators where the uneducated will stand on the left.

    Am I the only one living in this city that thinks being here is the last place the want to be that week?