What I heard you say…

Back in treatment or therapy or somewhere in time that I can’t recall exactly, I remember that I’m supposed to use the phrase:

“When You , I feel “.

But usually what happens is that I have a reaction instead.

When my friend Mark says “Missed you at the meeting on Wednesday.” I don’t usually respond, but inside I feel shame, anger, and less than. I think its a result of when I was in the “cult” in Eau Claire. Everyone else is doing “this thing” and if you’re not then there is something wrong with you, or you don’t want to get better. I realize this is a little weird way to think, but it’s just an automatic response now. So I don’t respond to his little non-question, I just ignore it and try not to form a resentment.

When my roommate Gary says things at home I have a similar but different reaction. When he asks if a dish (receipt, piece of mail, laundry or whatever) is mine, I hear “Pick up your crap, it’s in my way” and then I get snippy, it’s a horrid way to be and I should know better, means I have to apologize later. Chances are this is childhood stuff from so many different alcoholics around us as a child or maybe it’s something else.

Who knows.

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