This is likely a whiny post. This was your only warning.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Many years ago I used to get tested pretty regularly to see if I had diabetes… see my biological father died from complications with diabetes when he was 48 (I just turned 48). His complications were that he wanted to drink more than he cared about managing his diabetes and ended up in a coma after a stroke…. and then we pulled the plug.
A doctor a few years back, when I asked to be tested, said to me about diabetes “if you don’t want diabetes don’t get fat, it’s that simple”. So am I fat? I’m larger than I have been ever, so I guess that could be a yes, but I didn’t think I was that fat… and I know a lot of people that are fat that don’t have diabetes so the doctor was a tool I’m thinking. But I guess I’m fat… so we have depression, diabetes and diameter issues?
From my handbook given to me by my doctor – “Type 2 Diabetes – This is the most common form of diabetes. In type 2 diabetes, your body makes some insulin, but not enough or the insulin your body makes does not work right. The amount of glucose in your blood goes up. Over time, high blood glucose damages the eyes, kidneys, nerves and heart.” and the “Complications of uncontrolled diabetes include” Blindness, Kidney disease, nerve damage, amputation, cardiovascular disease: Stroke, Heart attack, loss of circulation in arms and legs.
That sounds pretty bad right? I don’t have a lot of fear about this – I’m thinking I’m not a fan of amputation or blindness … but with the depression going on and the goal being an end to everything, well does it really matter that I have another thing.
People with type 2 diabetes may need diabetes pills. Many also need insulin. I take a pill with dinner, that’s it at the moment… there are no injections of insulin – although there were during my recent trip to the hospital, they can’t give the pill in the hospital as it might interfere with things so they give you shots of insulin, wasn’t so bad really.
I frequently already have had hypoglycemia – as a result of this. Although it’s not unique to diabetics, it’s not a lot of fun for me – probably not for you either. But now I have some ideas of what to do about it and how to get relief. Hypoglycemia – think Julia Roberts at the salon in Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields made her drink orange juice… mine doesn’t make me a demon woman like Julia was but I feel really weird.
I do eat a little more than I used to, but my diet is still pretty limited. I love pizza, burgers, steaks and fast food…. but I’ve started to branch out. I recently fell in love with rice… white rice… yes, I’m very vanilla. I love the texture, how it feels when it is cooked just right and you can feel a gentle firmness and just melt it away on your tongue… it’s odd I know. But I’ve also incorporated a lot of chicken into my diet – cheap and it tastes pretty damn good when I dry rub it in curry. I love my chicken so hot that I start to sweat when I eat it… well almost anything that hot is good.
Exercise is not a thing that I like to do. I like to walk and I like to ride my bike, but that’s about it (No, I don’t want to ride my bike or walk with you – not a fan of people you know). Back in school I learned some boxing during a self defense class and I liked that so I’m thinking I could tolerate a boxing class or martial arts class. Going to the gym to exercise and just to exercise seems like a waste of time – there’s no purpose out side of being or getting healthy… well I hear (and don’t believe at all) that there are some people that get an endorphin high from exercising and that’s why they do it… damn junkies… but never happened to me, the high comes when it’s over and you think you’ll never have to do it again.
My depression is currently not in cycle, my doctor and I think it cycles through and at the moment it’s not rearing it’s ugly head too much. When it does there are no solutions to anything and even the most ordinary task can seem overwhelming and pointless. I’m taking two drugs at present to combat this – Abilify and Escitalopram – and it really seems to work, unfortunately on occasion I get giddy… which my doctor says is a good thing and I shouldn’t mind, but I do. Not a fan of giddy.
Even when the depression is off cycle that thoughts of dying are persistent. Those thoughts have more fuel now with the recent diagnosis – don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do… well not eat what I want anymore.
I begin to wonder what’s the point – why be here if you continually can’t do the things you used to enjoy. Many people live for others – they love so deeply for someone that it gives their life meaning or something.
I don’t think I really want that. One of the first thoughts I had after the realization that I was in love with Bill was – damn it, now I have to care about living… for him. Fortunately, love ends, at least mine did so that worry didn’t last.
My friend Suzanne says that I bring joy to others and that’s worth living for. I’m too selfish to believe that and there is evidence to the contrary in famous people – Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain…. they brought joy but I think they understood what I do this feeling of just wanting it to be over. It’s not a crisis it’s just a desire to die.
I talk a lot about death being a human right and I think it is. It should be an individual choice for whomever wants to end it. There are enough people that want to live forever and ever and have those things that they want to “live for”, let them have what they want and let us have what we want… but don’t make it senseless, shameful and messy… use suicide to help others… organ donation, scientific study.
When I’m deep in my depression and thoughts of dying are all encompassing I spend most of my time trying to plan a painless, clean death and I have a few ideas that are pretty good. I’ve had some ideas that were ruined upon further research by percentages or errors and or mistakes by otherwise well meaning suicidal folks.
Imagine, and I do, a world where giving your life for others would be considered a nice thing… like Jesus – I give of myself so others can live. My organs, blood and body used to bring about enlightenment or life for someone who wants it. How many people are on lists to receive organs and will die because they aren’t there.. how many assisted life takings (we have to come up with a different name than suicide it has too many negative connotations and we want this to be a beautiful thing and it should be) could then be used to save the life of children, adults, loved ones that otherwise would die.
I thought about selling my body/organs as a way to commit suicide. There is a black market (if I’m to believe TV Dramas) where organs go for big bucks…. I could sell my whole body for $80,000 – $100,000 and then they could take my life the next year… just give me a year to finish it all up and be done with it. Winner winner chicken dinner right?
Diabetes, Depression, Death, and Diameter… added that last one here after writing thing appeared. Today, which is how AA told me to live, is just fine eating a little less, tasting a lot less and being more aware of what’s going on in my own body.