Revolution

I’ve been up for a few hours thinking about a revolution.

Thinking about America the broken.

Last night I wrote about acceptance and turning the other cheek so to speak… but even as I finished writing it I thought “what a bunch of pollyanna bullshit”.

Looking back and seeing hate, vitriol and santorum (look it up) win state after state, primary after primary and each and every time it was downplayed (first by the Republicans) as a fluke. A rarity that couldn’t possibly happen again and again. We underestimated the power of .. well, the dark side. The possibility of such an asshole being elected to the seat of President were so absurd we stopped really fighting it.

We, the People, let both sides lie and manipulate us again. We let the Republican’s continue to believe they are “value voters” and the Democrats that they could win against orange skinned hate mongers.

The American Tea Party – a bunch of well off, old, white Christians, and Ben Carson – thought they were leading a revolution. They thought to accomplish this by obstructing the American government with such notable brain trusts as Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris and the aforementioned Dr. Carson. They succeeded in preventing change from happening, preventing growth of the economy, protection of rights and values. They succeeded in protecting the only things that ever mattered to them: their wallets and their white nation (with Ben along, for show). [disclaimer: I am an old, white man] Continue reading

Voodoo, Turtles and Magic

My dream last night:

He looked like a Native American at first – his face painted with white stripes, eyes full of crazy, long hair draped down in dreads. I approached him cautiously unsure of why he was there.

He grabbed my wrist tight, I tried to pull away but he just squeezed tighter. He looked into my eyes first – probing for something in me, something he needed. Then his eyes reached to the heavens and he yelled something incomprehensible to me.

He placed a pouch into my hands, smiled a curious smile and before me he started to crumble. His entire body was disintegrating into a fine gray powder. The last to go was his hand that had a hold of my wrist, when it too fell to the ground my wrist was imprinted with a blue gray design I’d never seen before. Continue reading

Got Trust?

A few years back a psychologist helped me come to a conclusion on love – it has to be earned. No one gets a default feeling of love just because they are related to you, know you or were nice to you once in passing.

I loved the idea of my mother – a woman who cared for me, loved me, made sure my needs were met. I didn’t really have that, but was stuck on an idea of obligation of loving her because she birthed me. Truthfully, she only loved me when she needed something – attention, pity, affection or my social security number when her credit wore through.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, is using or manipulating you… not really a winning game. The same is true of trust and respect. Continue reading

What’s Going On In My World

A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.

Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.

I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.

I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.

A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.

and I woke up

I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work…  Continue reading

To Get Off Or Not

I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.

First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that.  Continue reading

Unity.. no thanks, I have plans

I don’t like people. (I frequently say “hate” which might be a strong word)

I’ve said that a million times before and it’s still true. One of my bosses says that too – I tell him he doesn’t because he’s so nice to everyone, but he insists that he does. Probably why I like him so much. I guess you could say I’m something of an introvert – I would rather spend time alone than in a group setting. My “fun” time is at home with a good book, writing or watching some TV. I find it very difficult to have “fun” in a group of people… can’t do it.  Continue reading

Verifying the Differences

I’ve chatted a little bit about being on a medication recently for my depression. I’ve always had a depression of some sort, the intensity varied in waves that I was able to navigate through. Until this last fall when it was as if a tidal wave struck me down and the undercurrent was helping me to drown. (Read here: Lost) . This post may be NSFW.

At the direction of my primary doctor I started to take an anti-depressant in late December (he actually suggested I take it in October, I asked him for the script in early December and finally took one at the end of the year). This happened for a few reasons:

  • I assumed it would go away like all the times before
  • that sense of impending doom that nothing can make it better, a little pill can’t possibly help
  • fear that it would change me
  • fear that it wouldn’t change me
  • fear of ostracization from AA friends
  • and that sense of welcoming the dark feelings, reveling in the comfortable dark

Continue reading

In the Dark

A hit of acid can change the world. Everything is brighter, crisper and more defined – you notice variances of color that your eyes would just pass over before. The whole world is a new place that you want to explore and experience. Anything that is normally dull and boring is suddenly the most relevant thing in existence – and the previously wonderful are indescribable. A trip made everything better than alright and nothing could ever stop how that felt (time apparently does 😉 ). That doesn’t include the non-stop smiling or the ability to not feel alcohol’s effects until the trip has ended. I really enjoyed LSD when I could get it and wasn’t committed to a life of sobriety (one day at a time).

On the flip side, the dark side, in sobriety and real life – depression is the opposite.  Continue reading