Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamezrant

  • Last Will and Testament

    Last Will and Testament

    My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.

    First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.

    In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.

    AFTER LIFE

    When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.

    If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.

    In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.

    REMAINS

    I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.

    I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.

    When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.

    Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.

    BELONGINGS

    I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol

    Photo by Erik Mclean on Pexels.com

    The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.

    Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.

    Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦

    Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.

    Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.

    Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.

    I think that’s it… not much like I said.

    FINANCIAL

    There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.

    MY FRIENDS

    Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.

    I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.

    I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.

    Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.

    Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.

    MY FAMILY

    It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.

    My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.

    My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.

    I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.

    IN CLOSING

    I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.

    My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.

    I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.

    Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.

    Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.

  • Bad Diabetic

    Bad Diabetic

    I’m a bad diabetic. I don’t take care of myself, watch what I eat or care really.

    During a hospital stay a few days after the initial diagnosis they asked me ‘Are you planning to do anything about your diabetes?’ The diagnosis was Thursday this was Sunday so I told them that, what could I have done in four days. During the stay they managed my carb intake, gave me insulin shots and kept me at a good blood sugar level.

    I did try, initially to eat better and the doc prescribed me Metformin, which I took. I even went so far as to buy strips a meter and needles to test myself… though what the results were to mean I had no idea. I didn’t track my results or know what 125 meant in the morning or 155 meant at night, I was just testing myself at random because they told me to test.

    Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

    I really love rice, the texture the feeling of it kind of melting in my mouth. I love it, I want it with everything. Not “brown rice” regular old white rice, I can cook it easily takes about 17 minutes. I have it with chili, chicken, beef, whatever… I just love rice. But rice is carbs and carbs are bad for diabetics. So when I make my meals for the week and it includes a good serving of rice, this doesn’t help. At night I usually eat a pizza, yes the whole thing. A stop at an Indian restaurant once a week for Chicken Tikka, but again that means rice.

    Soda is also a downfall, what I like to drink is Rockstar Pure Zero Fruit Punch, it has like 20 calories and one carbohydrates, that’s not bad… but if I go out to eat (and I don’t eat out much) I have a regular soda, 240 calories and lots of carbs too. On a normal day I drink between 1 and 2 gallons of water, I’m not kidding. I have a half gallon container that I fill up at work twice, sometimes three times and at home I drink 2 – 3 32 oz containers a night.

    I really hate, exercise. Not a fan at all. I did try recently some personal training sessions and didn’t like them at all. I spent about 3 months doing this and at healthier at the same time…. didn’t make my numbers go down much at all. So the doc changed my meds and now I’m taking Janumet XR. Janumet is a huge horse pill and hasn’t made a dent in my numbers either.

    I’m currently using a testing system called Dario – it’s a nice little all-in-one system that works with your smart phone. It’s compact, fits in my pocket and is intuitive. Every morning I test before I eat or pee and it’s 135 – 156. I’ve had valleys of 102 or 106 but mostly they stay in the high range. I’ve never had higher than 156. I guess good numbers are below 100, but I don’t test there. Dario is pretty cool though and I like the software which tracks your measurements, gives you advice on health and food.

    I don’t have any repercussions. Nothing has gone bad, I still have my teeth, my eyesight is just as bad as it always has been and my feet are fine. Mayo Clinic has a page all about Diabetes from causes to complications and if I look at that there are a lot of dangerous things that could happen to me. I’m apathetic, if it happens it happens.

    I see my primary care physician next week and I’ll ask him what the big deal is, maybe he can explain why I’m supposed to care so much. Last time I saw him he advised I lose 10 pounds and I think I’ve put 10 on instead.

    There is some consideration in eating better again, but I find it so boring. I drank some Glucerna and while tasty it wasn’t as satifying as a meal can be. I can’t recall if I felt full or not after drinking it, which is also a good feeling that I like. They do have bars also, but I’ve not seen them yet in the store, so maybe I’ll try those out.

    All in all, I’m a bad diabetic. I don’t take care of myself or really feel any need to care about this disease and I probably should.

  • Looking Back

    Looking Back

    Yesterday I spent some time looking at old posts. I’ve been writing in this blog for about over 15 years now, so there is a lot to go over. There are some stories I don’t recall writing and when I look at them they don’t appear to be something I would write…. like this post on some stories I was writing: Stories I don’t recall those stories and don’t see them in my drafts folder so I’m not sure where I got them.

    I do like the short story I wrote, Max, but I think it may be a bit overwritten I’m not sure. The end bothers me some, but it’s a good story overall and I like it. I like the idea of this story The Extractor.

    There is this story which is a little odd but has promise, but I feel no connection to it, like I didn’t write it. It’s odd. Or this one which started out so well and then stalled. A lot of my stories seem to stall after a bit, I get bored with them. Sure I have a way to continue them but I get bored and think the reader will be bored as well. I have to find a way to keep my own interest along with the readers.

    Most of my writings are about personal things and not made up stories. I write in this blog a lot of recovery stuff, very sternly and strict teachings as I saw them. Work, driving, health, tests, school… a lot of stuff about me and what’s going on.

    At the bottom of each post WordPress puts three or four stories that may be akin to the story/post you just read. It’s a nice way to jump around my blog and see what I’ve written and maybe how I’ve improved in my writing.

    I wanted to post something today, and this is a cheat cause I’m linking to old stories, but I still count it as a post. 😉

  • Car Trouble

    Car Trouble

    I dropped my car off this morning because the low tire pressure light kept blinking on and off and the air in the tires was fine. Been that way for about a week, but I didn’t want it to suddenly be right about a low tire and not know. I dropped it off at Christian Brothers Automotive, good company that has taken care of my car for a few years now.

    I purchased the car from CarMax and bought a service plan when I bought it. When COVID struck they closed the service department at CarMax and I had to find an alternative approved location – Christian Brothers Automotive was the place. I suppose they’ve probably opened up the service department again since Covid first entered the scene, but I’m just comfortable now. It helps that Christian Brothers Automotive is close to work, whereas CarMax is a little further away.

    It’s $79 just to diagnose the problem. I told them the problem, but they have to use computers or have an expert look at it I guess.

    I dropped the car off at 7:30, got a ride to work from their shuttle service, but I didn’t hear from them until around 12 that my car was being looked at. It was 1:30 before I received the news of what was wrong – the left rear tire sensor stopped responding and that was causing the light to blink on and off.

    Christian Brothers did a full look over of FourTwoMe (my car) and discovered some other issues.

    Air Filter needs replacing
    Fuel System Induction needs serviced
    Torn lower engine mount bushing

    The total to fix everything was over $1000. Which I don’t currently have. So I opted to just have them fix the broken sensor and that alone is $375. I approved the work to be done and I will schedule for the other work to get completed in a few weeks when I have a little extra cash flow.

    So I waited and waited and waited and it was approaching 4:30 and I hadn’t heard from them. I was getting worried. Then I finally got a text but it was bad news:

    “we had to order the sensor for you car and we have it completed tomorrow for you”

    So I called the shop, “Can I pick it up tonight and drop it off again in the morning??”

    Well of course not, they’ve got it all torn apart and would have to put it back together and then take it apart again…. so it’s fine.

    So my next dilemma was getting home from work. How was I going to accomplish that? Well I asked a friend who I had given a ride to before that lives just 2 miles from where I do… she said no…. too tired. Whatever. Another friend volunteered, but it would be 30 minutes after my regular time to go home so I said I would if I couldn’t find something sooner. My manager volunteered, and I live way out of his way.

    So the manager gave me a ride home and when I got out of his truck, I dropped my phone and didn’t notice…. until he had driven a good 15 minutes and he found my phone. ugh. Well fortunately and generously he came all the way back to give me my phone. He’s a nice guy.

    It wasn’t the best day. Had a big deal fall through and all the car nonsense…. but tomorrow is another day and another chance for another sale or two.

  • Day of Waiting

    Day of Waiting

    This morning when I arrived at work the internet wasn’t working. Everything I do at work needs the internet so it stopped me from doing anything. There was a meeting I usually attend at 8 and it was patchy. I go in early specifically to get things done before the phone starts ringing at 9.

    The IT team was on it and spent about 30 minute investigating. While they were at it they soon discovered branches were down across the country that are connected to us. They came up with a fix and soon I was working on a very slow internet… which of course soon crashed. One computer on the second floor was working fine with no problems, which led them to discover the real culprit. Soon after that they got a fix out to all the station and across the company. Took a good 2 hours to get everything settled.

    The internet being down put me behind in my personal schedule, I’m very militaristic and follow a rigid schedule. I do the same things every day and get them done around the same time. I like repetitiveness and knowing what’s coming next, it helps me be in the right mind frame and get things done right and efficiently.

    The rest of the day at the office was uneventful. I made my calls, got a little sale, sent documents out for signatures and sent out a few emails. I leave promptly at 5, unless the phone rings and I end up helping a customer past 5, but that seldom happens.

    Traffic on the way home was normal – which means people drive under the speed limit and drive me absolutely crazy. I try to be patient, but if it gets to be too much I just zoom around them in my little car.

    Speaking of my car, the low tire pressure light has been blinking at me… and then it stops. it’s driving me a little mad. I filled the tires Friday with air at the Kroger and that didn’t seem to help. Not sure what’s going on there. Tomorrow I’ll stop and see if they need more air and if they do schedule an appointment to get the tires checked out.

    All day I was waiting to get home and play World of Warcraft. Today is patch day for the new expansion and it’s very exciting, new talent trees, probably some new content and just loads of excitement about it. So when I arrived home I sat down in my computer chair, launched the Battle.net app. I anticipated, and was correct, that there would be a download. So I downloaded that and made a call.

    I called Verizon. For some reason I was listed as a ‘member’ and not the account owner on my account. It wouldn’t let me update my credit card or anything else related to the core details of the account. Was frustrating last night. So I got Nathan from Verizon on the phone and he fixed it by deregistering me and making me reregister… which I did. Had to create a new user name and everything, but that resolved the problem. I was on the phone for maybe 20 minutes with him. Ten emails and texts later I was set and my World of Warcraft download was finished.

    So I clicked play.

    The cinematic for the expansion launched, I’d seen it before but I watched it all the way through. I like the animation and detail in Blizzard’s cinematics. Look it up on YouTube it’s pretty good little video. Most of the Blizzard cinematics are good, check em out if you have the time or desire to spend some time getting lost in YouTube.

    Then there was a black screen…. and all the servers are down. UGH

    I had neglected to read the notice on the Battle.net launcher and assumed it was the same as it was from last night advising us that the game would be unavailable from 7:00 PDT to 3:00 PDT… but they changed it… now it said until 6:00 PDT…. which means I’m waiting again.

    I half expected this. Most of the time during a launch they have issues and we can’t play, but I always am hopeful that this time will be different.

    So as of this sentence I have 1 hour and 59 minutes to go before they think it’ll be playable… and then it’s almost bedtime.

    I don’t know why I’m that concerned. When there is new content everyone swarms the new quest givers or areas and it’s hard to get quests done or achieve anything of note. So it’s better to just wait until the weekend and then come on and explore all the new content with less people… some of them will have moved on already.

    So as I sat at my computer…. waiting… I thought it’s been a week since I posted anything and I should really do it. This was really a lot about nothing except waiting and whining … which anyone can do. So now I’ll just wait for the game or bed time or both and call it a day.

  • Logging Off

    Logging Off

    I deleted my online presence, except for this blog and YouTube. Not just my Facebook, Twitter and TikTok, but also my Bear411, Silver Daddies, Growlr, Scruff and more. I didn’t make a post on Facebook about rage quitting or anything, I just deleted my accounts the other week. Far as I know I’m not out there anymore. One of my subscriptions expired while I was talking to a guy, but I just let it expire so he’ll never know what happened (unless of course he ends up here).

    It’s a hard thing to get used to. I’m usually checking my phone every few minutes to see what notifications are new or who may have posted something that I want to see. So it’s a hard habit to break… I used to wake in the morning, check to see if I won the lottery and then browse Facebook – wishing a Happy Birthday to the celebrants. Now I check to see if I won the lottery and look at news… News is depressing and scary. Not winning the lottery is depressing too.

    Will I stay offline? no telling really, the world is a social media experiment gone wrong.

    I am hoping that being offline will encourage me to write more. I haven’t had a new post before this one since February. I still don’t have that urge to get out a story that I used to, before taking my anti-depressants, but maybe I can force myself to create content and it’ll keep me busy.

    What should I write about is the question, I used to write about Alcoholics Anonymous and recovery, but since I stopped going to meetings I have less desire to talk about that stuff. Mind you I’m still sober, just not a meeting attender and I find it’s an ok life. Never had that “happy, joyous and free” that they promised, always just “ok”. I’ve also written some short stories and tried to write long stories as well, but I tend to get lost in them and don’t want to continue them.

    Acitvision/Blizzard is releasing a new expansion for their game World of Warcraft, which I’ve been playing almost since launch, in November. That will keep me busy for a few month as I level characters up and get them geared. Looking forward to that.

    There aren’t any movies out now or on the horizon that I’m excited about. There are movies I’ll see because I’m supposed to (Black Adam for instance). But nothing that make me want to see it day or release.

    I am liking what I see on Disney+ – SheHulk and Andor are good. I wasn’t a fan of Moon Knight and I like him in the books. My friend says Ms Marvel was good and I only saw the first episode of that so I’ll check out the rest of it. I also have Paramount+ and like Picard, Strange New Worlds and rewatching old trek shows. It’s also football season, so I’ve been watching a few games and even placed a few bets.

    I have trips booked to Ft Lauderdale for my birthday and Galesville for Xmas. My friends Jim and Ana have a new house so I’ll have to make the trek up there to see it and spend time with them. With my recent trips to Indianapolis and Appleton, I feel like I’ve been away a lot.

    Work is going ok, not making as many sales as I would like, but my branches aren’t either so I feel less stressed about that then I probably should. I’m making my calls and sending out mass emails as well (which get me lots of replies, but most of them “no”).

    I’ll try to post at least once a week, maybe I’ll share a few dreams or some of my short stories that haven’t made it on here yet. You could also suggest what you’d like to read and I can do that too.

    Meanwhile, I’m getting back to playing World of Warcraft tonight. See you soon.

  • Husband Hunting

    Husband Hunting

    I’m looking for my special guy. Taking applications or referrals.

    I’ve done the dating apps, the online dating, the blind dates. Been engaged once, in love a few times and played around more than I probably should have. I’ve had good dates, bad dates and bad break ups that left me an emotional wreck. I’ve had elicit affairs with married guys – most of the time that didn’t feel right to me. I take vacations to destinations where I know I’ll get to hook up with guys – Ft Lauderdale, Palm Springs, Philadelphia. So I thought I’d just throw together an application for a husband on here and see what happens.

    Jamez March 2022

    I’m looking for something with substance, stability and seriousness. Something passionate, personal and productive. I want a man or men (I’m open to a polyamorous relationship) to call my own, to come home to, and to get lost in his eyes.

    I’ve always had a thing for older guys, when I was in my twenties I drooled over many a 45 or 50 year old – most said I was much too young for something serious. It may not be an age thing but a maturity thing, I like a man who’s grown up, responsible and drama free. I do lust after a man with gray hair though, turns all the right buttons for me. I like furry guys, hair on their chest and on their face, have since forever. When I was just a kid I remember finding a dirty magazine down in the basement. There was one image of a man with a beard and a hairy chest that got my attention more than any of the other ones. Most of the images were hairless, clean shaven men and I just thought meh, not so much. I also like a man with some meat on his bones. A barrel-chested, muscular, beefy man is just the right size. My first lover was a bigger guy, and my first love as well.

    I gravitate towards these types of men and frequent dating sites that cater to them. I like a mans man, with hairy chest, gray hair and some meat on their bones. I like bears, silver daddies and fur… but that’s not written in stone, I’ve found myself drawn to other types of men along the way, this is a guideline for what I’d really like.

    It’s not all about looks, that’s just for starters. I want a man with passion in and out of the bedroom. Someone who has his own loves and habits that I can grow with and live with mine as well. A man that makes me want to be with him, makes me want to give up my video game time to spend it with him instead. So, he should be interesting, funny, lovable, laughable…. understanding, serious, willing to compromise and open-minded. I like to think I’m those things and my friends tell me I am.

    Here’s my current narrative on sites I frequent:

    No face pic no chat no exceptions. Looking for my special guy. I tend to like older, bigger guys. Hairy face and chest are nice. I also like gray hair. Be. honest, have more than one photo, be open to the idea of actually meeting.

    You should have a job, I do. Non smokers only. No vegetarians or vegans need apply – yes, that’s funny but I’m serious.

    I like kissing, sucking and getting fucked. Not really into any kinks. I’m 51, moderately hairy. I like to go slow, enjoy the entire experience and really please my guy and have him please me. I’m open to trying new things and honest about it if I like or don’t like it.

    I’m sarcastic, funny and I like to think smart. Introverted, I’m not big on crowds or meeting new people. Once I meet them I’m usually good a second time, but the first time I’m rather quiet and wary.

    I was born in Wisconsin, lived in DC for almost 2 decades, lived in Phoenix for another and now I’m in Virginia Beach, I’m not tied to any location really. I don’t like winter that’s a big deal, hate might be the word.

    I’m clean and sober, don’t go to meetings any longer but still maintain my sobriety. I’m an atheist, my choice, my belief and you’re free to have yours. I’m respectful of others choices as far as alcohol, drugs and religion go… you don’t push yours on me and I won’t push mine on you. I’m a diabetic. I have depression and anxiety. all being treated with medications and diet.

    I like animals, cats and dogs mostly… don’t think I’d be ok with a pet pig or llama.

    I like to travel, consider myself something of a writer, like to walk and swim… but not much into exercise really… and I have a little belly to show for that.

    I’d like to know more about you so feel free to hit me up so we can chat.

    So what about me? what’s do I bring to the table….

    I’m 53 now, moderately hairy, 5’9″, around 220. I have a little belly, which I’m half-heartedly working on. I like food and hate exercise so it’s not as easy as I want it to be. I have around 20 tattoos, most mean something to me. My ears are pierced but I rarely wear earrings and if I do usually studs. I wear a couple of rings once in a while as well. I’m most comfortable in t-shirt and jeans, but dress up business casual for the office most days. I look quite good in a tux, but honestly who doesn’t? I shave my head and usually have a goatee.

    Writing is a passion of mine. www.bookofjamez.com More so before one of my medications started to mess with my creative process.. used to be I’d regularly get ideas in my head that wouldn’t go away until I got them down on paper (or screen as the case usually is), but now it’s rare an idea gets stuck there and I write less and less frequently.

    Medications? what’s wrong with me? well let’s see: I’m clean and sober 27 years, have depression, anxiety, diabetes (my A1C is 6.5), and high cholesterol. My PCP (Primary Care Physician), who happens to be very cute, says I need to lose 10 pounds. I’m taking Prep – if you know you know. I take my medications regularly and am honestly trying to eat better. My depression is being contained and rarely flares up to where it drives me to despair. My anxiety is usually event driven – people or places can make me anxious and I do some meditation, breathing to help with that but have emergency meds if it gets crazy.

    I’m a malcontent. A glass truly empty kind of guy. I find it funny most of the time when I look at the world that way. I look at the world through my own eyes and sometimes those views don’t match what society would like them to. But it’s not a harmful thing.

    I keep my room relatively clean, organized and make my bed. I have art on the walls and electronic gadgets everywhere. There is a small Superman collection on a dresser and I will likely get more and more Superman stuff.

    I’m not a fan of the cold or winter. I go home to Wisconsin for Christmas because that’s what my Ma wants, and you should always do what your Ma wants. But will go out of my way to avoid the cold if I possibly can. I vacation in warm places.

    Jamez January 2022

    I love music, I can sing and usually do to any music that happens to be on. Doesn’t matter if it’s Country, Hip Hop, Rock, Heavy Metal, Death Metal or Pop… I love music. I was once in the Gay Men’s Choir of Washington DC (GMCW). I don’t play any instruments, but have a desire to learn to play guitar.

    I am a picky eater. There I said it. I know what I don’t like – mayonnaise, dressings, mushrooms, fish, seafood.. well it’s a lot, but I do try new things. I love Chicken Tikka, a good spicy Mexican dish or good old fashioned hamburger.

    I currently live in Virginia Beach, I’ve not set anything permanent here. I live with my best friend, her husband and their bandmate. I spend a lot of my time in my room, but do socialize and engage with them regularly.

    My friends and family all say I’m a nice guy. I think I’m an honest guy and sometimes people don’t like that. It takes a while for me to warm up to people but once I do they tend to warm up to me too. I have 2 best friends, one’s a straight guy (Eric) and one’s a straight girl (Suzanne). You can ask either of them about me and they’ll tell you the truth, good and bad. I have a small circle of friends that I see regularly, and a large circle of friends I see on Facebook or know from years past that I have moved away from.

    I have 2 families. One is my blood relatives all of whom we share the same Mother (who passed back in 2001 or 2002? I don’t remember) and one foster family of whom I lived with for 2 years in my youth. I changed my name legally to honor my foster father back in 2009 (he passed suddenly in 2008) and at that time changed my first name to James with a Z. I love both my families and consider myself lucky to have them.

    I’ve not been in a long term relationship before really. I was engaged to a guy and that lasted about a year before he called it off. I had a sexual relationship with one guy for 4 years and loved him very much. But other than that not lived with another man that was my own. I do adjust/mold myself to fit into situations and make things work, so I’m not worried about fitting in with someone, I think I do that well.

    Sales is my current occupation, I’ve been doing it for a little over a year now and I’m doing it well by all measurable standards. I’ve been an Office Manager, Personal Assistant, Data Geek and worked in a grocery store a long time ago. I have only had one bad review in my careers and it shocked the hell out of me, I think she just didn’t like me.

    So anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for him, that one special guy

    Jamez April 2021
    Jamez May 2021
    Jamez 1988 Senior Pic
    Jamez September 2021
    brrr winter
    Birthday Boy
  • Catfished

    Catfished

    “Catfishing is when someone sets up a fake online profile to trick people who are looking for love, usually to get money out of them.”

    So I met a guy online (Bear411.com), handsome, charming, complimentary. A nice guy who really liked me. He had only one photo on the site, and I have a rule – that I break all the damn time – that says I should say NO to those profiles. His profile also had a red flag of not having any narrative. He’s in another state, Rhode Island, but all the really hot guys seem to be in another state.

    It started out innocent enough. He looked at my profile so I looked at his. He was handsome, I told him so by signing his guestbook..

    “You’re handsome” I post on his profile

    “Thanks so are you” he replies

    “How are you doing tonight?” I ask

    “Just looking at your gorgeous photos” he responds [should have known then that he was a liar]

    “How old are you?” I inquire, again nothing on his profile

    “I’m 57, 5’4″, stocky build, single” I respond with my stats, even though they are on my profile, men don’t read. I like his stats, he’s a little short but that’s fine.

    “Nice” and then “what would you do on our first date” [this gets my guard down, he’s not just after sex, he’s interested in more than that… it increases my interest in him]

    “Lots of kissing, get to know you, hold your hand and take you out to eat. Stare into your eyes” [he has blue eyes in his photo]

    The narrative goes on and on and gets steamy after a while. Our interests are the same, our sexual appetite synchs. He’s a great chatter and I find myself liking him more and more. We chatted on Bear411 for about an hour back and forth.

    At the same time we both post “If you want you can text me at 555-1212”

    I go to bed that night with pleasant thoughts of a guy I just met online.

    We start chatting right away in the morning. He’s pleasant and tells me he can’t stop looking at my photos online. I send him a few photos directly to his number, he likes those too and continues to tell me how sexy and attractive I am. I’m so into him, he’s really a sweet romantic and great guy… The texting gets very sexual and that’s all good stuff, I mean really good. Perfect even.

    I ask for a few photos of him and he sends them, about 4 photos and he’s still just as handsome and didn’t suddenly turn into a troll or anything. I call him to hear his voice – no personalized voicemail but I leave a message and tell him how sweet I think he is and that I’m looking forward to meeting him. He calls back, he’s at work and can’t talk but wanted to let me know he got my call.

    We text back and forth for days, I let him know I’d love to come visit and start looking at flights to Providence. He says that he works most weekends and only has one off a month and wants me to wait until he can get time off from his supervisor. He’s doing well at his job and getting promoted soon, being trained for a better position. I call again, get his voicemail and leave a message.

    I tell other people about him, they are all excited and asking questions. A few ask if I am sure he’s not leading me on or lying to me. One asks if we’ve Facetimed and I say we have, but we haven’t.. I’m not going to be scammed, I’m very internet savvy. People are happy that I met this nice guy, even if he’s in Rhode Island.

    One day he texts me that he’s sick. People get sick and it’s the Covid world now so this doesn’t shock me and I don’t lose interest. The next day he’s at the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital. I ask him for a photo in his cute little gown and he sends me one. I don’t notice the date on the photo.

    I show concern for his health, ask questions about how they’re treating him. Try to discover what’s wrong exactly. Ask if he wants me to send flowers to the hospital and he declines. I call to chat with him, he doesn’t answer so I leave a message. He texts later that he was sleeping and sorry he missed my call.

    He’s texting less and less. I attribute it to his being sick and in the hospital. He lets me know they took him into surgery on Sunday for a twisted intestine.

    Now in the back of my mind I remembering when I was in the hospital for a few things over the years but they never took me into surgery on a Sunday, so I have some doubts at this point if he’s being honest with me or maybe he’s just trying to blow me off.

    A few days later they release him from the hospital and he’s “safe at home in my little bed”. I’m happy for him and glad he’s home safe. He tells me a nurse came to check on him at 12 and would be back in the afternoon again to see him. This too I find suspicious, what kind of insurance does this guy have that that would happen.

    I poke at him that he could call me and I’d answer, he promises to call the next day.

    He doesn’t call. I don’t prompt him to call.. I want to, but I control myself.

    The next night while doing something on TikTok that required me to show a photo from years ago and one from today I see his hospital photo at the beginning of my photo feed. That’s curious to me, why would it be there. I open the photo and look at the metadata and see that it’s dated for October 2006.

    Now I’m convinced he’s telling stories… but still want to believe he’s not. Suzanne suggests I insist we Facetime, which I now think is good advice. I text him that night “We need to video chat as soon as you’re feeling better”

    I don’t hear from him for days. I don’t text or call him. Scared him off with the video chatting I guess.

    Now, he didn’t ask me for money and I’m not sure he would have. I think he was just after the romance of it and gets off on that. But it’s possible in a few days he would have asked me to send him money, I was already wary and don’t think I would have done that even if I hadn’t been.

    He did text me back after three days “I’m sorry, you deserve a great guy and to be happy. I was really falling for you” and that was it. I didn’t respond.

    I’m thinking he can do this to someone else, only with my photos that I shared with him. And I think he will, I’m not that bad looking… or maybe I am. I certainly feel stupid and maybe I look gullible.

    I am an idiot and started to develop feelings for this guy just over text and a few photos. I was genuinely concerned with his well being. I did that thing again where I thought positive about someone. I know better.

    I think a lot of people have that desire to find that special someone and it’s easy to get lost in it without following your own rules. So again Jamez – one photo, no narrative, too nice, too handsome, too sweet… probably a damn liar. Don’t trust anyone and certainly stop hoping – it only hurts later.

  • Twenty-Seven

    Twenty-Seven

    If everything goes according to plan, this Saturday, May 8th 2021 I will celebrate 27 years of continuous sobriety.

    I spent 22 of those years in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), attending a meeting at least once a week. Raising my hand to volunteer, reaching out my hand to newcomers and reading the literature. I would even pray at least once a day, usually I’d recite the 3rd Step and 7th Step prayers each day, and as the day would progress I might say an extra prayer here or there. At night I might thank the sky for the day and ask for certain people to be watched over. I was a Big Book Thumper! I quoted the book, practiced the book and preached the book. I was a hawker or the 12 Traditions and their importance to making meetings and AA work.

    As an atheist I struggled with the concept of a “higher power” and or “god” and despite what the book or the traditions say, most meetings I went to pushed a need to believe in something greater than you to achieve and keep sobriety. I did as I was told, I ‘faked it til you make it’ til I was blue in the face, but I seemed to get sobriety without ever achieving a belief in a higher power. Made me kind of a hypocrite when I would preach the steps and not believe key parts were necessary.

    In 2016 I had a bad depression cycle and was in a dark place for several months. Nothing AA had taught me was helping, I was stuck. I didn’t know how to get out of it and didn’t know if I wanted to get out of it, it became comfortable and the new normal. I was actively planning my own death and looking forward to it.

    My primary care physician listened to me and prescribed some medications that helped me. I got out of the dark place and started to feel better and started to think that I didn’t want to go to AA any longer. I don’t know that they were connected thoughts I just know they happened around the same time. So I came to a decision to leave meetings. I’ve been to two meetings since and they didn’t inspire me to come back to the groups or give my heart aches.

    It’s interesting, my sponsor at the time noticed I was moving away from AA before I did. He mentioned one night after we met that it seemed like I was pulling away. I was having issues with the service structure of AA and not enjoying any part of meetings, not the people, the time or the activities. I was moving away and didn’t know it. When I told him I was leaving he wasn’t surprised and thankfully he didn’t cut me out of his life or anything, I still chat with him on occasion and count him as a friend.

    So what’s different if you don’t go to AA meetings any longer Jamez? – well not a lot. I still believe getting out of self and helping others is a key role in sanity and sobriety. I still meditate on occasion. I still don’t drink or do drugs. Basically I took the meetings and readings out… and doing ok, as far as I can tell.

    AA gave me a great foundation, tools to live a normal life and now I’m living it. AA is a great resource if you’re looking to find a new life and they can help you get there. I appreciate what AA gave me and how far it got me, changed me for life I hope.

    So Saturday, I’ll be 27. I’ll be spending time with an old friend for the weekend in Philadelphia, I don’t anticipate attending a meeting, just doing normal things that normal people do. Hope you have a great weekend too.

    Organizations that help you find sobriety:

    Alcoholics Anonymous

    Narcotics Anonymous

    LifeRing – Secular Recovery

    SMART Recovery – non deity based recovery

  • Happiness

    Happiness

    I started a new job in June, a call center. My first time at a call center and I wasn’t sure how I’d do but I think I do ok. I like it as it keeps me busy most of the time and I love being busy, the days seem to fly by when you’re busy more than when you’re bored. There was a job not to long ago that I had where I just sat there for about 7 hours a day, hated that.

    I’ve had three people at my new job comment on how I always seem to be happy and never let anything bother me. Alan said “Dude,” he says dude, who am I to argue “how do you just stay so upbeat all the time, you never let this stuff get to you.”. Brandon commented “Jamez you’re always in a good mood, I don’t know how you do it” and Farrah came out and said “You scare me, people who are happy all the time scare me. Like I wonder what you’re hiding.” Farrah and I talked a bit and I assured her I don’t have any corpses stashed under my crawlspace or in an attic somewhere and that I do have my moments where I’m not so cheery, she said she was less scared after. 

    These folks don’t sit next to me and hear me swear under my breath when I come across a record that wasn’t properly documented or cancelled…. and sometimes I swear not so under my breath. Nor do they ride home with me and see how mad I get at people who can’t do the speed limit as a minimum.. what’s wrong with those people and why do they even have a license? 

    At work I try to greet everyone with a “good morning” or a “hello” as they walk past and I happen to sit at a high traffic zone so I see a lot of folks. I also tell them good night and for some folks I say “thanks for being wonderful today” when they leave. Gives me something to do and it’s nice networking, I get to know people over time and can chat with them about other things if they run into me. Like today with Farrah, she and I chatted for a bit during a break but had I not be overly nice who knows if we would have. 

    I honestly am usually just ok with things. I swear, at home and on my own I’m just ok. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and take medications for those, so it might all be that I guess. It’s also some indoctrination I received from 20 odd years in Alcoholics Anonymous where they preach “fake it til you make it” and where I was taught to greet everyone before the meeting and shake hands with every single person there. After 20 years of doing something it kind of sticks.

    At the new job I frequently remind myself – “I’m not a manager now”. Which seems silly I guess, but I managed a team for a good 5 years and it’s in my bones now and I can’t help but get a little frustrated when I see inefficiency or people, literally, sleeping on the job then I start to steam internally and have to stay focused on making calls. Since there are so many calls to make this keeps me occupied.

    When I get home I sometimes fret/resent/repeat the day in my head and it keeps me up at night. My own errors is a big thing that bothers me, when I screw up my anxiety shoots through me and I get all uncomfortable and want to crawl in a hole. I try to not make mistakes but sometimes I get sloppy and fast and one gets made, I’m just not good on fixing it once its been done. I don’t like the feeling of failure and that just beats me up real bad in my head. So while outside I may be greeting folks and smiling – inside I’m fighting a demon of self-doubt and condemnation. It’s awful. It makes me feel like I can’t move. I can’t describe it other than that, it’s overwhelming. So I do try ever so hard not to mess up. 

    I do work with a good group of people and have good managers on the floor. I’m usually very busy making calls and only once in a while do I get anxious about making one and its not for a good reason, its random. Being nice and smiling helps to keep that at bay so I do it. 

    When I was newly sober I was called a malcontent and “that angry guy” but over the years “faking it til you make it” and just doing the next right thing helped make that image go away. My friends that have known me for decades know I’m not the happiest of guys but they love me anyway and find other qualities in me (I guess) to treasure. 

    I am not one to dwell on and fret about things over and over… usually. I’m not one to gush over things either. I’m kind of in the middle and just do things that seem to be the right thing to do… and at work, saying hi and trying to keep a positive attitude doesn’t hurt either.