A Cut Above

I like my hair kept short, like bald short… the receding hairline has helped me to come to this conclusion, but honestly even when I was a kid and didn’t have such a thing showing this much, I wasn’t a fan of hair on my head.

If there were a way to prevent my hair from growing I would so totally take that pill. Even if side-effect would mean there was a slight chance my penis could fall off… I’d risk it. Increased insomnia? I’m still in…. Makes your breath smell like horse manure? Yep, I could do it… Make me attracted to girls… ok, not that eeewwww. I have standards. Continue reading

Lessons

There are some things I figured I wouldn’t have to teach people. Common sense things that you figure everyone would know. Or conscience things – you know so and so will pick up after themselves as they don’t want to be thought of badly.

This is apparently incorrect thinking.

Continue reading

Solitude, My Fortress

I don’t like people.

Crowds of people. New people. Old people and Young people. Couples, families (not just mine), adults or children alike. Just in general – people I don’t like them.

They make me feel uncomfortable, ill at ease. My skin itches and I want to make them stop looking at me, even if they may not be looking at me.

I feel like I’m obligated to interact with them, to want to be interested in their needs and desires. It’s rude to just kind of walk away from them as they’re talking or just kind of pose random questions that have nothing to do with them.

There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation whee data is kissing his girlfriend and she asks him what he was thinking about during that kiss.

If you don’t want to watch it – he talks about configuring a warp core, indexing the various works of Charles Dickens, how much pressure to apply to her lips without hurting her and more… I can relate to that. My mind is doing all these other things when I’m supposed to be focused on an individual or task. I don’t want to stop my brain from doing the other things it’s doing so I can focus on someone else… it’s selfish I guess.

During the brief time I was engaged I struggled pretty regularly with how much attention he expected. While I was just comforted by him being there near me and for us to communicate and have sexual relations – he wanted me to be interested in his interests and do what he was doing, regardless if I liked doing that or not. It wasn’t ideal for me.

With my two best friends, Suzanne and Eric, I find I don’t really worry about that. I just am and they are just there with me. Sometimes they talk and I participate but I don’t mind them and it doesn’t seem to interfere with what I am doing. When they met I wasn’t even aware they were meeting at the time – I was sitting by the pool with my headphones on and eyes closed. Suzanne had come to find me and sat next to me without disturbing me and then Eric came to find me and they introduced themselves without me even really having to be there. It was comforting. I honestly put my headphones back in without a care that they would be offended or want me to be part of that conversation. I love them – they are just right.

On the cruise ship we had dinner with a bunch of folks one night and were joined by a woman, who I heard was a little sloshed, and she was telling me that I was going to make so many new friends and best friends on the ship. I told her two is enough, more than enough – they call a couple times a year or I do and send emails. It’s a lot to deal with really – why would I want more of that? I don’t know. I told her as such and I was half joking but she was insistent that having more friends was such a great thing – I don’t get that.

During the muster – when we learned how to evacuate the ship in case of an emergency – we were packed pretty tight in there with the other passengers and it was taking forever. I don’t like that at all – don’t want those people to be near me breathing my air and keeping me from an exit. Always look for exits, that’s a good strategy.

Not liking people causes me some issues when I want to meet a guy.

I don’t like bars, too many people – I don’t drink and drunks can be rather annoying. I don’t like pride – way too many people. Or parties – small talk omg please no.

The trick at parties is to ask them questions and then hope they start rambling on and you can just void out of the conversation – once in a while nodding or saying “uh huh” or “hmmm” and you’ll be just fine. If you’re very lucky they catch on and will leave you alone. But that doesn’t really get you a guy.

So I talk to folks on dating apps – Growlr and the like. Many of them would like to meet me and I’ve considered meeting some of them – once in a rare while I will meet one of them out and about.

I went bowling with a nice guy – but started to feel very uncomfortable during the event and shortly after wanted him to just hurry up and bowl so I could go. Nothing to do with him, just wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide somewhere safe.

Mostly on the app I don’t want to meet them, I would rather stay home and not deal with another human being. So I take long breaks off the app and/or men ūüôā Probably not very good for the psyche.

A friend will invite me over, say to meet her new puppy, and I’ll agree to go, but getting to that point when it’s actually time is the difficult part. I start dreading going days before the agreed upon time and wonder if there is anything I can do to get out of it. I don’t like lying so it’s hard to find legitimate reasons to not do things others want me to do.

While in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) I learned skills to deal with people alone and in small and large groups. Shake their hand, ask how they are, try to listen. In groups stay busy – have a job you can focus on and think about – has it been done properly, was there something else that needed doing with that? It gave me a reason/excuse to get away from people too – I either had to shake someone else’s hand or a task needed doing so I could excuse myself – supposedly without hurting their feelings.

Sponsee’s were another matter entirely – It’s your job as a sponsor to listen to them and listen intently so you can help them find a solution. Ugh. That’s like the worst thing in the world to do to me. I never thought I was a good sponsor – I just wanted them to get better so they could go do things and talk to me less… yes, that’s my goal in AA, talk to me less.

Work is similar to AA. I have certain tasks to do, I can stay very busy and focus on those things without too much interaction with people. But they usually think I’m a good trainer or something and then I have people to teach and manage. Those people ask me questions – sometimes annoying questions they should know the answer to already and I just want to scream out loud and send them all scurrying away.

They don’t fear me, they know I’m usually patient and have an answer they’re looking for. Today one of them came up asked me a question, answered his own question and then asked if that was ok… honestly that was annoying, I likely could have done so many other things during that time.

Employees are akin to sponsee’s I just want them to get better so they can go do things and talk to me less. If they talk to me less I can work more and that keeps me from realizing all the people that keep interacting with me each day.

Work though gives me things to do to keep me focused. I feel comfortable there as it’s an every day thing and I know what to expect (usually).

Truthfully, I feel comfortable and safe in my bedroom. If I have to venture out I try to arrange it so I encounter as few people as possible and can return home experiencing minimal interactions.

Tonight though I drove to the middle of the city to attend the semi-final game for the high school girls basketball team I like – Mesquite Wildcats! I sat comfortably in the stand, surrounded by a couple friends and a bunch of folks I don’t know and was fine. I was focused on the team and how they play.

There I’m comfortable too. But still happy to be home in my room this evening.

Originally published on Niume – same day.

Puzzle

For Christmas one year I was given a Hershey’s Kiss 3D puzzle and another puzzle. The Hershey’s Kiss puzzle was little plastic chocolate colored pieces with pegs and holes… it didn’t have many pieces so I solved it quickly and wondered what possessed my mother to buy me a puzzle.

It occurred to me that it was likely someone providing gifts to needy children. Mom wanted us to have a good Christmas so she signed us up for a charity. That was rather forward thinking of her – she was very self centered.

The other puzzle I can’t remember except it was solved easily too – a chain comes to mind. Soon I was finished with my Christmas presents and wondered what I’d do now for entertainment.

Continue reading

Training Tribulations

I do a wide variety of tasks at the office. I like to think I do them all pretty well. One of the things I do that others think I do well is train people.

All I really do is share what I know. It’s akin to Alcoholics Anonymous – someone shared with me so I can do this better so now I’m sharing it with you. I may on occasion have to modify my message to be heard by someone who can’t relate to it a certain way or other but still share the same message. AA gave me that and I’ve been using it for quite a few years now.

It works for me with the people that have come into the office to be trained. I don’t lecture, or teach I share. I’ll sometimes say “this is the problem, and here is how I found a solution” and then show them how I did it. Action (that’s another thing I learned from AA), take the steps to show others how to get past an obstacle. This has worked time and time again.

But now I have a new problem. Continue reading

Revolution

I’ve been up for a few hours thinking about a revolution.

Thinking about America the broken.

Last night I wrote about acceptance and turning the other cheek so to speak… but even as I finished writing it I thought “what a bunch of pollyanna bullshit”.

Looking back and seeing hate, vitriol and santorum (look it up) win state after state, primary after primary and each and every time it was downplayed (first by the Republicans) as a fluke. A rarity that couldn’t possibly happen again and again. We underestimated the power of .. well, the dark side. The possibility of such an asshole being elected to the seat of President were so absurd we stopped really fighting it.

We, the People, let both sides lie and manipulate us again. We let the Republican’s continue to believe they are “value voters” and the Democrats that they could win against orange skinned hate mongers.

The American Tea Party Рa bunch of well off, old, white Christians, and Ben Carson Рthought they were leading a revolution. They thought to accomplish this by obstructing the American government with such notable brain trusts as Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris and the aforementioned Dr. Carson. They succeeded in preventing change from happening, preventing growth of the economy, protection of rights and values. They succeeded in protecting the only things that ever mattered to them: their wallets and their white nation (with Ben along, for show). [disclaimer: I am an old, white man] Continue reading

A Small Rant

I had a conversation tonight with two gentlemen I respect – well mostly I listened ūüėČ We were talking about how the American way apparently is to take and keep taking. It isn’t about give and take or about giving until your heart bleeds – the American way is about pleasing yourself. No more being nice, no more helping for helping sake, no more old softy. I don’t really take them seriously, we’re hurt right now after this election.

Many people are already tired of the talking and sharing on social media and at the water coolers. This is big stuff folks and will be here until America’s Next Top Model or naked photos of some celeb show up to make us all forget – ‘Murica!

It’s been an emotional day for me – I’m sad, mad, and scared of the future. I would like to disown some friends and my older biological sister. I would like to deport half the country.

I’m mad at the gays for being so behind Hillary before the race even started they refused to see her as anything besides the winner. I’m mad at the Democrats for fucking Bernie Sanders (yes, they did). I’m mad at the Democrats for not recognizing that Bernie’s followers wants and needs mattered.

My¬†friend Randy, he’s a nut really but sometimes he has good moments, said “I don’t think this was so much “for” Trump as it was about being “against” the status quo. I think if Bernie were in the race he would have won. I think the majority of the nation wanted a Bernie, and odd as it sounds, Hillary is soooo career politician, that Donald was the closest thing to a Bernie.” and I think that hits it pretty much on the head. Many will disagree with me – that’s ok, you still have a couple of months of free speech before they take that from us.

I¬†voted against someone – rather something – else. I voted against Bush and Bush Beta. I voted for Bill Clinton twice, I voted for Obama, also both time. I rather liked that. It was rather nice to have something to vote for rather than against. I didn’t vote for Hillary¬†(never really liked her, don’t have to have a reason but it has nothing to do with Bengazi or emails it’s just a feeling) rather I voted against Trump (hate, fear, intolerance, rudeness, insensitivity). Continue reading

What’s Going On In My World

A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.

Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain¬†Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.

I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.

I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.

A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.

and I woke up

I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work…¬† Continue reading

Voting in 2016

I can’t remember if I ever voted when I was drinking, 18 – 23… can’t imagine why I would have bothered to. But I’ve voted in every election since I sobered up in 1994. Voted once or twice for a Republican in a local race if I thought they were the better candidate… would again too.

This election though I don’t know if I even want to. I was very excited when Bernie was in the race – it reminded me of the hope and energy of Barack when he first launched. I wanted… I want more change in Washington and even though the road for President Obama was met with obstacle after obstacle he still got major things done that have given me opportunities I otherwise wouldn’t have. I do believe that most of the hate he faced is a race thing – they say it’s not but that’s certainly what it looks like… if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …

I wouldn’t vote for Trump for sure… I mean the guys a loud mouth racist… and apparently half the country wants that in a President. ¬†He’s not the guy for me though – I like intelligent, caring people that want to move the country forward. I think he’s more of a “look at me, aren’t I cool” kind of guy… and I think the country has enough of those already. Continue reading

Gun Violence Reminder Update 7/2/16

Screen Shot 2016-07-02 at 7.00.49 AM

I’m going to post this regularly and watch as it grows until we have sensible guns laws.

Source: Gun Violence Archive