Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamezrant

  • Physical Therapy

    Physical Therapy

    So earlier this year I managed to hurt my shoulder. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I was moving lots of things at work and one day lifted and felt my arm and shoulder hurt a bit. The next day my shoulder hurt to move and sent pins and needles down my arm if I moved it certain ways. Again, I figured it would get better on its own so didn’t pay it much attention. 

    Several months later it wasn’t getting better, in fact it got worse. I had limited motion in my right arm and couldn’t do things that I normally do – like reach for things with my right arm, sleep on my right side or keep my wallet in my right pocket. I couldn’t even yank on the cord to start the lawn mower. Reaching for the seatbelt with my right arm going across my body hurt, reaching across to the right hurt too. It wasn’t very fun… 

    I didn’t have insurance for a good while, but it finally kicked in at my new job in September so I scheduled an appointment with Ortho (got a referral from my GP) for September 2nd. 

    They tested my range of motion, pulled and poked me and took an X-ray and then said “Oh, you have frozen shoulder.” My best friend, Suzanne, had suggested it might be frozen shoulder a month or two before as symptoms sounded like what her mother had. Sure enough she was right. The doctor injected me with cortisone and prescribed intensive physical therapy/stretching and asked me to come back in eight weeks. He also said lots of Aleve, as much as four a day, so I’ve been doing that too. 

    So that day I found a PT place close to the house and booked my first appointment. At the first appointment they did measurements, asked me to stretch and reach and gauge my pain threshold for them and I did all that. Took about 35 minutes that first visit and they based my continuing care on those tests. 

    So for the past four weeks I’ve been going to physical therapy twice a week, where they have me stretch, lift, pull and push my way through a bunch of different exercises. 

    I do pulley pulls, finger ladder, shoulder shrugs, bicep curls and more. Lots of simple things I can, and do, do at home, like wall scrubs (take a towel in your arm and scrub the wall up and down, side to side and in circles 20 times each way), pulling my arm behind my back with a rope held in my left arm, reach forward and hold a stretch for 10 seconds 10 times… among other things. I’m not a fan of a particular stretch called “the doorway stretch” where I hold my arms on the side of the door and lean in, hurts pretty bad and I only hold it for 30 seconds but it’s a bitch. I use a “body blade” that I hold and punch out, the punch side to side and move side to side… that one I always get tired and want to grab with my left hand, kind of funny how I want to compensate when I’m doing PT. 

    I like my trainers, no eye candy as they’re both women, but they keep me going and motivated. They also stretch and rub on my shoulder when I’ve done all my exercises and offer me an ice pack each day for a few minutes after I’m done. 

    Anyway, I’m getting better – my range of motion has improved. I was at about 30% motion but now I’m about 60% motion and a lot less pain. No more pins and needles going down my arm and that makes me a very happy boy. I go back to Ortho on the 21st of October and they may take another X-ray, we’ll see but I think between what I’m doing at PT and home I’m making solid progress.

    I have to say I’m glad it’s only this and not something more serious, some of the other patients I see in there working on themselves are struggling to walk straight and that seems pretty hard. They too are making progress that I can see so that’s nice. 

    When I first started, lots of folks on Facebook shared that they had been in PT and how important it was to do the home exercises. Lots of good support from social media and at home. While I keep trying to help move or do things Suzanne won’t let me. 

    I’m hoping by the time my birthday comes around, if not sooner, I’ll be all better. But if not I know to keep working and stretching my way to success.

  • Got Trust?

    Got Trust?

    A few years back a psychologist helped me come to a conclusion on love – it has to be earned. No one gets a default feeling of love just because they are related to you, know you or were nice to you once in passing.

    I loved the idea of my mother – a woman who cared for me, loved me, made sure my needs were met. I didn’t really have that, but was stuck on an idea of obligation of loving her because she birthed me. Truthfully, she only loved me when she needed something – attention, pity, affection or my social security number when her credit wore through.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, is using or manipulating you… not really a winning game. The same is true of trust and respect.

    I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning – I’ll trust you unless you give me a reason not to. Tell me you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time and I believe you. Tell me you’ll work on a project, call me, change or whatever – I’m gullible enough to think you’re telling me the truth.

    It’s the part of me that’s an optimist (it’s a very small part, most of me is a realist who thinks that people are designed to fail one another and that they like it), this idea that people are fundamentally good and want to help one another. I’ve always wanted to believe in the good in people, even though it’s seems to be the exception to the norm.

    There are acceptable excuses for lying – surprise birthday parties or gifts, if you’ll hurt someone’s feeling (ex. “Honey, do these pants make me look fat?” – that could be self preservation as well) or if telling the truth would cause harm to others. I think that’s about it.

    What really gets on my nerves is when someone says one thing one day but a completely different thing the next. When you try to bring up the old thing they look at you like you’ve gone nuts and it’s never happened (I guess it’s reasonable that I’ve gone nuts, not something I’ve considered on the matter… I’ll consider it). Changing your tune when the evidence is there in front of you just to get something accomplished – this should not be how it’s done.

    Yesterday “this is because of this” but tomorrow “this is because of that”… maybe I just need to surround myself with better liars who can keep track of which story to tell.

    Or manipulating a person to get what you want – that usually involves lying and deception as well.

    I’ve always found it best to be upfront about those things. If you want a particular result and I can help you get there – tell me. Don’t fuck around with my trust, belief and respect in you… just say it. I don’t do subtle well either… just spit it out. I’m a goal oriented, hard working person who gets a certain satisfaction out of doing the job… why would you fuck with that?

    So you trust and respect someone – in life or business and they start to lie or manipulate you… why wouldn’t you stop believing in their dreams, goals and the very words that come out of their mouth?

    If that person is a part of your own goals, say a linchpin in the plans you’ve made for yourself and they start lying… well then you need to consider your future and look at what you’ve started to build and if it’s worth continuing or not.

    It’s hard to think I invested so much in a future that isn’t solid.

  • Revisiting Depression

    Revisiting Depression

    I have severe depression. It is usually maintained with medications (I take 2: Aripiprazole  and Escitalopram) that keep me level. I still get spikes of depression that come in and cloud up everything and almost always include thoughts of ending it all. 

    A previous primary care physician suggested I may experience these in cycles, it’s an interesting theory and I’ve noticed that it does seem to ebb and flow. There doesn’t seem to be a given time, it’s not like every three months like clockwork it pops up it just comes. My cycle that led me to take medicine to combat this is described well here: LOST  It was a very dark time and I’m fearful of it ever returning. 

    I have found that since I’ve been taking medications for depression my need to write has diminished considerably. It used to be that I would get an idea for a blog post/story and it would roll around in my head, almost obsessively, until I got it out on paper. That has stopped, nothing really becomes such a solid focus as it used to, so there is very little need to write anything as it doesn’t need to come out. This is a good or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. 

    My prescriptions from my time in Phoenix finally ran out and I needed to find a new primary care provider anyway, so I scheduled an appointment at a place recommended by a friend. New doctor, cute as all get out, but at this facility the PCPs don’t prescribe mood altering chemicals, they insist you see a psychiatrist/specialist to get them filled. The new Doc did refill for me, which was good, but only the one time before I have to see the head shrink. I’ve scheduled that for end of October (earliest I could get in).

    I recently had a depression spike, not a really bad one but more of a foreboding one where everything seemed like it was about to go to hell. Part of that is brought on by my job where I have about 6 hours of down time a day… I’m not exaggerating, really every day I have about 6 hours of nothing to do… it’s causing me some stress. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this during one of my down times… down as nothing to do, not down as in depressed. 

    The spike, didn’t last long and may actually have been the result of a new medication the doc (did I mention he’s cute) gave me for a pain I was having in my elbow that wouldn’t go away. That medication is called “Mobic” and fixed my elbow up right good it did, no pain at all there and it had been hurting for a few months… actually about half a year, previous PCP thought it was tennis elbow but didn’t have a solution, this PCP (the cute one) called it arthritis, or at least that was his theory. I’m just glad the pain went away. 

    Today at the office the guy that hired me let me know most of what I’ve been doing isn’t what I should be doing at all, which would increase my down time at work tenfold. But he did have hope that I should have more to do, so we’ll see if that comes or not. 

    This was kind of a rambling all over the place post, but I wanted to get something out there and also needed something to do with my time. 😉 

  • Hit Hard

    Hit Hard

    Hit hard
    Can’t stop the tears
    Started with self doubt
    Then came the fear

    There’s a point somewhere 
    A cause of the scare
    An underlying reason
    Some kind of demon

    Want to run away and hide
    Wish I’d already died
    Don’t want to search for clues 
    As to why I’m feeling the blues

    Does it ever stop
    Ever get better
    Climb my way on top
    Only to have it remember

    Been here before
    Doesn’t get better
    Time becomes a chore
    Helps me get sadder

    Darkness closes in
    Comforts me within
    Doesn’t stop the tears
    Just feeds the fears

    Don’t see a way out right now
    Find it hard to want to somehow
    The fear feeds the sadness
    Then comes the madness

  • Diabetes, Depression and Death

    Diabetes, Depression and Death

    This is likely a whiny post. This was your only warning.

    I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Many years ago I used to get tested pretty regularly to see if I had diabetes… see my biological father died from complications with diabetes when he was 48 (I just turned 48). His complications were that he wanted to drink more than he cared about managing his diabetes and ended up in a coma after a stroke…. and then we pulled the plug.

    A doctor a few years back, when I asked to be tested, said to me about diabetes “if you don’t want diabetes don’t get fat, it’s that simple”. So am I fat? I’m larger than I have been ever, so I guess that could be a yes, but I didn’t think I was that fat… and I know a lot of people that are fat that don’t have diabetes so the doctor was a tool I’m thinking. But I guess I’m fat… so we have depression, diabetes and diameter issues?

    From my handbook given to me by my doctor – “Type 2 Diabetes – This is the most common form of diabetes. In type 2 diabetes, your body makes some insulin, but not enough or the insulin your body makes does not work right. The amount of glucose in your blood goes up. Over time, high blood glucose damages the eyes, kidneys, nerves and heart.” and the “Complications of uncontrolled diabetes include” Blindness, Kidney disease, nerve damage, amputation, cardiovascular disease: Stroke, Heart attack, loss of circulation in arms and legs.

    That sounds pretty bad right? I don’t have a lot of fear about this – I’m thinking I’m not a fan of amputation or blindness … but with the depression going on and the goal being an end to everything, well does it really matter that I have another thing.

    People with type 2 diabetes may need diabetes pills. Many also need insulin. I take a pill with dinner, that’s it at the moment… there are no injections of insulin – although there were during my recent trip to the hospital, they can’t give the pill in the hospital as it might interfere with things so they give you shots of insulin, wasn’t so bad really.

    I frequently already have had hypoglycemia – as a result of this. Although it’s not unique to diabetics, it’s not a lot of fun for me – probably not for you either. But now I have some ideas of what to do about it and how to get relief. Hypoglycemia – think Julia Roberts at the salon in Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields made her drink orange juice… mine doesn’t make me a demon woman like Julia was but I feel really weird.

    I do eat a little more than I used to, but my diet is still pretty limited. I love pizza, burgers, steaks and fast food…. but I’ve started to branch out. I recently fell in love with rice… white rice… yes, I’m very vanilla. I love the texture, how it feels when it is cooked just right and you can feel a gentle firmness and just melt it away on your tongue… it’s odd I know. But I’ve also incorporated a lot of chicken into my diet – cheap and it tastes pretty damn good when I dry rub it in curry. I love my chicken so hot that I start to sweat when I eat it… well almost anything that hot is good.

    Exercise is not a thing that I like to do. I like to walk and I like to ride my bike, but that’s about it (No, I don’t want to ride my bike or walk with you – not a fan of people you know). Back in school I learned some boxing during a self defense class and I liked that so I’m thinking I could tolerate a boxing class or martial arts class. Going to the gym to exercise and just to exercise seems like a waste of time – there’s no purpose out side of being or getting healthy… well I hear (and don’t believe at all) that there are some people that get an endorphin high from exercising and that’s why they do it… damn junkies… but never happened to me, the high comes when it’s over and you think you’ll never have to do it again.

    My depression is currently not in cycle, my doctor and I think it cycles through and at the moment it’s not rearing it’s ugly head too much. When it does there are no solutions to anything and even the most ordinary task can seem overwhelming and pointless. I’m taking two drugs at present to combat this – Abilify and Escitalopram – and it really seems to work, unfortunately on occasion I get giddy… which my doctor says is a good thing and I shouldn’t mind, but I do. Not a fan of giddy.

    Even when the depression is off cycle that thoughts of dying are persistent. Those thoughts have more fuel now with the recent diagnosis – don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do… well not eat what I want anymore.

    I begin to wonder what’s the point – why be here if you continually can’t do the things you used to enjoy. Many people live for others – they love so deeply for someone that it gives their life meaning or something.

    I don’t think I really want that. One of the first thoughts I had after the realization that I was in love with Bill was – damn it, now I have to care about living… for him. Fortunately, love ends, at least mine did so that worry didn’t last.

    My friend Suzanne says that I bring joy to others and that’s worth living for. I’m too selfish to believe that and there is evidence to the contrary in famous people – Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain…. they brought joy but I think they understood what I do this feeling of just wanting it to be over. It’s not a crisis it’s just a desire to die.

    I talk a lot about death being a human right and I think it is. It should be an individual choice for whomever wants to end it. There are enough people that want to live forever and ever and have those things that they want to “live for”, let them have what they want and let us have what we want… but don’t make it senseless, shameful and messy… use suicide to help others… organ donation, scientific study.

    When I’m deep in my depression and thoughts of dying are all encompassing I spend most of my time trying to plan a painless, clean death and I have a few ideas that are pretty good. I’ve had some ideas that were ruined upon further research by percentages or errors and or mistakes by otherwise well meaning suicidal folks.

    Imagine, and I do, a world where giving your life for others would be considered a nice thing… like Jesus – I give of myself so others can live. My organs, blood and body used to bring about enlightenment or life for someone who wants it. How many people are on lists to receive organs and will die because they aren’t there.. how many assisted life takings (we have to come up with a different name than suicide it has too many negative connotations and we want this to be a beautiful thing and it should be) could then be used to save the life of children, adults, loved ones that otherwise would die.

    I thought about selling my body/organs as a way to commit suicide. There is a black market (if I’m to believe TV Dramas) where organs go for big bucks…. I could sell my whole body for $80,000 – $100,000 and then they could take my life the next year… just give me a year to finish it all up and be done with it. Winner winner chicken dinner right?

    Diabetes, Depression, Death, and Diameter… added that last one here after writing thing appeared. Today, which is how AA told me to live, is just fine eating a little less, tasting a lot less and being more aware of what’s going on in my own body.

  • Who Loves You?

    Yesterday a more religious “friend” sent me a Facebook message image of “Jesus Loves You”. This “friend” knows that I’m not a fan of the religious – what I call nonsense and I’m not sure why she did that.

    I’m not very tolerant of that kind of thing. I’m just not – I don’t come knocking on your door, holding science books praising quantum physics and asking for money for test tubes… Nor would I send private messages spouting why you’re invisible friend is a threat to humanity as a whole… I’d blog about it sure, but not private message or text.. It’s like walking up to a urinal next to a guy and asking him if he’s had lunch.. it’s just fucking weird, don’t do that.

    I responded to my “friend” that I was unfriending her.  (more…)

  • A Cut Above

    I like my hair kept short, like bald short… the receding hairline has helped me to come to this conclusion, but honestly even when I was a kid and didn’t have such a thing showing this much, I wasn’t a fan of hair on my head.

    If there were a way to prevent my hair from growing I would so totally take that pill. Even if side-effect would mean there was a slight chance my penis could fall off… I’d risk it. Increased insomnia? I’m still in…. Makes your breath smell like horse manure? Yep, I could do it… Make me attracted to girls… ok, not that eeewwww. I have standards. (more…)

  • Lessons

    There are some things I figured I wouldn’t have to teach people. Common sense things that you figure everyone would know. Or conscience things – you know so and so will pick up after themselves as they don’t want to be thought of badly.

    This is apparently incorrect thinking.

    (more…)

  • Solitude, My Fortress

    I don’t like people.

    Crowds of people. New people. Old people and Young people. Couples, families (not just mine), adults or children alike. Just in general – people I don’t like them.

    They make me feel uncomfortable, ill at ease. My skin itches and I want to make them stop looking at me, even if they may not be looking at me.

    I feel like I’m obligated to interact with them, to want to be interested in their needs and desires. It’s rude to just kind of walk away from them as they’re talking or just kind of pose random questions that have nothing to do with them.

    There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation whee data is kissing his girlfriend and she asks him what he was thinking about during that kiss.

    If you don’t want to watch it – he talks about configuring a warp core, indexing the various works of Charles Dickens, how much pressure to apply to her lips without hurting her and more… I can relate to that. My mind is doing all these other things when I’m supposed to be focused on an individual or task. I don’t want to stop my brain from doing the other things it’s doing so I can focus on someone else… it’s selfish I guess.

    During the brief time I was engaged I struggled pretty regularly with how much attention he expected. While I was just comforted by him being there near me and for us to communicate and have sexual relations – he wanted me to be interested in his interests and do what he was doing, regardless if I liked doing that or not. It wasn’t ideal for me.

    With my two best friends, Suzanne and Eric, I find I don’t really worry about that. I just am and they are just there with me. Sometimes they talk and I participate but I don’t mind them and it doesn’t seem to interfere with what I am doing. When they met I wasn’t even aware they were meeting at the time – I was sitting by the pool with my headphones on and eyes closed. Suzanne had come to find me and sat next to me without disturbing me and then Eric came to find me and they introduced themselves without me even really having to be there. It was comforting. I honestly put my headphones back in without a care that they would be offended or want me to be part of that conversation. I love them – they are just right.

    On the cruise ship we had dinner with a bunch of folks one night and were joined by a woman, who I heard was a little sloshed, and she was telling me that I was going to make so many new friends and best friends on the ship. I told her two is enough, more than enough – they call a couple times a year or I do and send emails. It’s a lot to deal with really – why would I want more of that? I don’t know. I told her as such and I was half joking but she was insistent that having more friends was such a great thing – I don’t get that.

    During the muster – when we learned how to evacuate the ship in case of an emergency – we were packed pretty tight in there with the other passengers and it was taking forever. I don’t like that at all – don’t want those people to be near me breathing my air and keeping me from an exit. Always look for exits, that’s a good strategy.

    Not liking people causes me some issues when I want to meet a guy.

    I don’t like bars, too many people – I don’t drink and drunks can be rather annoying. I don’t like pride – way too many people. Or parties – small talk omg please no.

    The trick at parties is to ask them questions and then hope they start rambling on and you can just void out of the conversation – once in a while nodding or saying “uh huh” or “hmmm” and you’ll be just fine. If you’re very lucky they catch on and will leave you alone. But that doesn’t really get you a guy.

    So I talk to folks on dating apps – Growlr and the like. Many of them would like to meet me and I’ve considered meeting some of them – once in a rare while I will meet one of them out and about.

    I went bowling with a nice guy – but started to feel very uncomfortable during the event and shortly after wanted him to just hurry up and bowl so I could go. Nothing to do with him, just wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide somewhere safe.

    Mostly on the app I don’t want to meet them, I would rather stay home and not deal with another human being. So I take long breaks off the app and/or men 🙂 Probably not very good for the psyche.

    A friend will invite me over, say to meet her new puppy, and I’ll agree to go, but getting to that point when it’s actually time is the difficult part. I start dreading going days before the agreed upon time and wonder if there is anything I can do to get out of it. I don’t like lying so it’s hard to find legitimate reasons to not do things others want me to do.

    While in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) I learned skills to deal with people alone and in small and large groups. Shake their hand, ask how they are, try to listen. In groups stay busy – have a job you can focus on and think about – has it been done properly, was there something else that needed doing with that? It gave me a reason/excuse to get away from people too – I either had to shake someone else’s hand or a task needed doing so I could excuse myself – supposedly without hurting their feelings.

    Sponsee’s were another matter entirely – It’s your job as a sponsor to listen to them and listen intently so you can help them find a solution. Ugh. That’s like the worst thing in the world to do to me. I never thought I was a good sponsor – I just wanted them to get better so they could go do things and talk to me less… yes, that’s my goal in AA, talk to me less.

    Work is similar to AA. I have certain tasks to do, I can stay very busy and focus on those things without too much interaction with people. But they usually think I’m a good trainer or something and then I have people to teach and manage. Those people ask me questions – sometimes annoying questions they should know the answer to already and I just want to scream out loud and send them all scurrying away.

    They don’t fear me, they know I’m usually patient and have an answer they’re looking for. Today one of them came up asked me a question, answered his own question and then asked if that was ok… honestly that was annoying, I likely could have done so many other things during that time.

    Employees are akin to sponsee’s I just want them to get better so they can go do things and talk to me less. If they talk to me less I can work more and that keeps me from realizing all the people that keep interacting with me each day.

    Work though gives me things to do to keep me focused. I feel comfortable there as it’s an every day thing and I know what to expect (usually).

    Truthfully, I feel comfortable and safe in my bedroom. If I have to venture out I try to arrange it so I encounter as few people as possible and can return home experiencing minimal interactions.

    Tonight though I drove to the middle of the city to attend the semi-final game for the high school girls basketball team I like – Mesquite Wildcats! I sat comfortably in the stand, surrounded by a couple friends and a bunch of folks I don’t know and was fine. I was focused on the team and how they play.

    There I’m comfortable too. But still happy to be home in my room this evening.

    Originally published on Niume – same day.

  • Puzzle

    For Christmas one year I was given a Hershey’s Kiss 3D puzzle and another puzzle. The Hershey’s Kiss puzzle was little plastic chocolate colored pieces with pegs and holes… it didn’t have many pieces so I solved it quickly and wondered what possessed my mother to buy me a puzzle.

    It occurred to me that it was likely someone providing gifts to needy children. Mom wanted us to have a good Christmas so she signed us up for a charity. That was rather forward thinking of her – she was very self centered.

    The other puzzle I can’t remember except it was solved easily too – a chain comes to mind. Soon I was finished with my Christmas presents and wondered what I’d do now for entertainment.

    (more…)