A week ago today I received the call from my nephew that his dad, my brother, had died.
Ryan was three years younger than me, born in 1973. Like me tattoos covered his body, though his were mostly black and gray and mine are colorful… I asked him why he didn’t do color once and he just said it wasn’t for him. Unlike me, he had a head full of hair and could grow a full beard.
He was 50% deaf in each ear since birth. When I was very young I recall my mother explaining to me that my little brother would be deaf and needed extra care. I cried so hard that day and remember running to my room just bawling like a baby. As he grew up and through childhood he would often, at least I think it was often, pretend he couldn’t hear you just so he didn’t have to do something. He would even go so far as to turn down his hearing aids – little shit. When he was much older he finally went through the procedure for ocular implants and he says it changed his world. There was also an app that he used with his phone and it was like someone was talking direct in his head he said. His lack of hearing never stopped him from loving music and he would head bang with the best of them.
I couldn’t ever catch him when we were playing tag. I would chase and chase but he was a fast fucker that zigged and zagged and was always just out of reach. Once when I couldn’t catch him I grabbed the nearest item, I think it was an old empty gasoline can, and I pitched it at him, hit him in the head… and of course he needed stitches.
Not to be outdone in everything, if he was winning a wrestling match against me I would fake an injury and he would get legitimately concerned that he hurt me some how and it pained him just the thought of that.
When I was twenty my mother called and said she was moving to Florida and if I didn’t come to care for my younger siblings they would be placed in foster care. I didn’t want that to happen so I uprooted my life and went to live in Taylor, WI with Amy and Ryan. Truthfully it was a disaster – I couldn’t take care of myself let alone two teenagers. All we did was drink and smoke and party. It wasn’t long before social services came and took them both. While we were living together I grew concerned about Ryan’s drinking and alcohol (I couldn’t see my own addiction) and sent him off to treatment. He was so mad and didn’t think he was an alcoholic but we sent him anyway. He didn’t sign up for AA or let that become his new life and he was resentful about my sending him – we made amends many years later about it.
Ryan did spend some time in the local prison. I don’t really remember the charges and it doesn’t matter now. While he was there he bettered himself, he came out with knowledge – he spent time learning and reading and doing things he didn’t do when he was younger. He was a lot smarter when he got out.
Years go by quickly and we both grew up. I let alcohol and drugs consume my life early and found a way out when I was still in my twenties. Ryan found heroin later in life and it took its toll. I don’t know how long he had been without it when he passed, but I know it was a real struggle for him. He was always a stoner in our younger years and loved pot, but the heavy stuff wasn’t part of what we did back then. Duluth is where that part of his life happened and while he was there he was incommunicado wouldn’t answer calls of posts from us siblings. The heroin ate away at the relationships.
We didn’t have the best life growing up and I know he didn’t have the best life as an adult either. He struggled and lived near poverty.
A Celebration of Life was held on Saturday for him. There were memories shared, tears shed and laughter at hi jinx in our youth. His favorite two uncles came to pay their respects, among others. Ryan would have loved that, loved to see all those people together. We had coolers full of Mountain Dew, his favorite and just sat there on a rainy Saturday in sadness.
I don’t consider myself a good brother. Many failures run through my head, things I could have done better for him or times I should have tried to reach out. I picked him up for a recent get together with Dawn and Amy when my Ma was in hospice. On the way home he bawled and spoke about how tired he was of fighting, how much work it was just to live. He had COPD and it’s a hard disease to live with. I let him talk and cry, but I offered no comfort, no soothing words or help – I had none. Do you lie to someone who’s dying and let them think there is some fragile hope out there that will make it better… I couldn’t. I just sat there in silence. I’m not a good brother.
I will miss Ryan. We didn’t spend much time together and lived states apart, but I’ll miss him anyway. When I think of going “home” to Wisconsin he’s one of the things I think about…. but no more. I don’t believe in a hereafter or souls. I think he’s just done fighting and gone.
My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.
First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.
In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.
AFTER LIFE
When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.
If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.
In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.
REMAINS
I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.
I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.
When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.
Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.
BELONGINGS
I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol
The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.
Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.
Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦
Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.
Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.
Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.
I think that’s it… not much like I said.
FINANCIAL
There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.
MY FRIENDS
Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.
I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.
I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.
Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.
MY FAMILY
It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.
My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.
My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.
I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.
IN CLOSING
I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.
My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.
I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.
Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.
Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.
I don’t know what to do with “friends” that disagree with me on moral issues. It’s a bit of a quandary.
There is right and wrong and the two are usually pretty easy to tell. There are, I suppose, gray areas as well – things that don’t fit in right or wrong. However, the moral issues I’m talking about are pretty stark.
For instance, I think it’s wrong to murder people. Now most people I know would agree with that statement I’m thinking.
But what about abortion, I’ll hear, you support that don’t you? Well yes I do. But I have a different definition of life than some people do I guess and think it’s not my body or my embryo so it’s none of my damn business. Do I think this is a gray area… yeah I guess, but it’s fueled by religion and that taints everything really in my opinion.
Murder, taking the life of another human being… that’s black and white. It’s wrong to take another life. This isn’t a “well I’m not sure” or a “but what if”. I believe that taking another life is wrong. Even in self defense I think you could wound pretty significantly without ending their life. It’s not up to us to decide who lives and who dies…
In the case of Kyle Rittenhouse I find that I have many friends who think he did nothing wrong. That it is ok to leave your home, with a gun, travel outside your neighborhood and patrol the streets as a vigilante. He shot three men, killing two of them, but they think he did nothing wrong that he’s “innocent”. I can’t wrap my head around it – I can’t see their point of view. I can’t fathom a world that thinks what he did was ok.
I’m a fan of vigilantes. I read and love comic books and have since I was a kid. Most superheroes have moral codes that keep them from killing, keep them from doing things that are wrong. Maybe that’s where I’m messed up, I relied on comic book heroes for my morals and reverence for life. Batman says “heroes don’t kill”.
But I do have a very close friend who said “I just don’t know” when I was talking about the Rittenhouse case. I’m hoping that they just aren’t familiar with the case, that there isn’t a gray area in their minds that is letting them think he might have been doing the right thing.
This can’t be the right thing. Killing people can’t be the right thing.
I have friends that I strongly disagree with on political nonsense. They swing way right, I swing in the middle. I’m not a fan of either of the big parties, I’m not a fan of career politicians, geriatric nominees, or suppressing the vote. I think both parties lie enough to the citizens of our country that they should be tried for crimes against our nation. It’s awful. Here, vote for the lesser evil.
And that I guess depends on your definition of evil. Right and wrong again, you know it when you see it.
I think it’s right to provide food stamps for families in need.. this is because I grew up in a family that was needy and those stamps kept me fed sometimes.
I believe that religion has too much say in politics and the rights and responsibilities of the human race.
I think if we’re the land of the free and the home of the brave, we should all have the same rights and responsibilities.
I’m not a fan of the death penalty. Why should they get off so easily? My grandmother had a bumper sticker that read “some people are so opposed to murder, they’ll kill anyone that commits it”
I don’t think we belong in any more wars, we’ve done enough damage to the world and it’s time to come home and fix up our own side of the street.
I believe suppressing votes is happening because a certain party is afraid of the voice of the people.
I believe the people have lost their voice to distractions from social media to fake news… fake news is all of it, it’s all designed to get you to react and less about informing you of what’s going on.
I believe Donald Trump incited a riot, and that people in this riot wanted to overthrow the government based on his urgings.
I worry that I have friends that believe in chem trails and microchips in vaccines.
I worry that I have friends that think the one doctor they found on YouTube the disagrees with all the experts is the guy to believe.
What I want is, sigh, I’m not sure what I want. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what I want. What we need is for people to be able to identify good and bad on the same level again…. if we ever did to begin with. We need there to be repercussions when you do something wrong, those repercussions should be equal to the wrong that was done in some way other than death.
Here’s the thing, I don’t think of myself as a nice guy. But I am. I give rides to people that need rides, I grant my shoulder to those that need one to cry on, I listen when no one else has the time to listen. Am I the one to decide what’s right and what’s wrong? I’m not the best guy for the job. But I believe and was taught that you know. You know down deep what’s right and what’s wrong. You know killing others isn’t right. You know hurting others is wrong. You KNOW these things, without me having to tell you or manipulate you … you just know… I have to believe I’m not the only one who just knows when I’m doing right or when I’m doing wrong.
But what do you do with these friends that “don’t know” or think bad is good… how do you keep them as friends, how do you not argue with them or worry about the world with them thinking the way they think.
You can unfriend them on Facebook I suppose, but what about real life, life outside of “Meta” lol
Do I have to argue with them? no. Do I have to agree with them? no. But can I keep good conscience knowing they have a different definition of right and wrong than I do… it’s like me believing 2 + 2 = 4 and them believing it equals 7. Can I be ok with them thinking it’s what should be four is seven? I don’t think I can.
I have a friend, Robert, who gives no fucks. You don’t see reality – unfriended. You hate on people/races/gender identity what have you – unfriended. He’s very strict about it and vocal on how he feels and sees the world. I respect him and I know he believes 2 + 2 = 4. I’m not Robert, I still tolerate the ignorant, hateful, arrogantly incorrect… I still allow them to pollute my timeline… Part of it is curiosity, I want to know what crazy shit they’re thinking today.
But I don’t think it’s good for me. I’m not sure… it’s a gray area for me.
This was a long rant, I’m not sure I went anywhere with it. Right is right, wrong is wrong… it’s never been hard for me to tell the difference, I don’t know why it is for others.. or why what’s right has become something so wrong.
I have severe depression. It is usually maintained with medications (I take 2: Aripiprazole and Escitalopram) that keep me level. I still get spikes of depression that come in and cloud up everything and almost always include thoughts of ending it all.
A previous primary care physician suggested I may experience these in cycles, it’s an interesting theory and I’ve noticed that it does seem to ebb and flow. There doesn’t seem to be a given time, it’s not like every three months like clockwork it pops up it just comes. My cycle that led me to take medicine to combat this is described well here: LOST It was a very dark time and I’m fearful of it ever returning.
I have found that since I’ve been taking medications for depression my need to write has diminished considerably. It used to be that I would get an idea for a blog post/story and it would roll around in my head, almost obsessively, until I got it out on paper. That has stopped, nothing really becomes such a solid focus as it used to, so there is very little need to write anything as it doesn’t need to come out. This is a good or a bad thing, depending on your point of view.
My prescriptions from my time in Phoenix finally ran out and I needed to find a new primary care provider anyway, so I scheduled an appointment at a place recommended by a friend. New doctor, cute as all get out, but at this facility the PCPs don’t prescribe mood altering chemicals, they insist you see a psychiatrist/specialist to get them filled. The new Doc did refill for me, which was good, but only the one time before I have to see the head shrink. I’ve scheduled that for end of October (earliest I could get in).
I recently had a depression spike, not a really bad one but more of a foreboding one where everything seemed like it was about to go to hell. Part of that is brought on by my job where I have about 6 hours of down time a day… I’m not exaggerating, really every day I have about 6 hours of nothing to do… it’s causing me some stress. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this during one of my down times… down as nothing to do, not down as in depressed.
The spike, didn’t last long and may actually have been the result of a new medication the doc (did I mention he’s cute) gave me for a pain I was having in my elbow that wouldn’t go away. That medication is called “Mobic” and fixed my elbow up right good it did, no pain at all there and it had been hurting for a few months… actually about half a year, previous PCP thought it was tennis elbow but didn’t have a solution, this PCP (the cute one) called it arthritis, or at least that was his theory. I’m just glad the pain went away.
Today at the office the guy that hired me let me know most of what I’ve been doing isn’t what I should be doing at all, which would increase my down time at work tenfold. But he did have hope that I should have more to do, so we’ll see if that comes or not.
This was kind of a rambling all over the place post, but I wanted to get something out there and also needed something to do with my time. 😉
This is likely a whiny post. This was your only warning.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Many years ago I used to get tested pretty regularly to see if I had diabetes… see my biological father died from complications with diabetes when he was 48 (I just turned 48). His complications were that he wanted to drink more than he cared about managing his diabetes and ended up in a coma after a stroke…. and then we pulled the plug.
A doctor a few years back, when I asked to be tested, said to me about diabetes “if you don’t want diabetes don’t get fat, it’s that simple”. So am I fat? I’m larger than I have been ever, so I guess that could be a yes, but I didn’t think I was that fat… and I know a lot of people that are fat that don’t have diabetes so the doctor was a tool I’m thinking. But I guess I’m fat… so we have depression, diabetes and diameter issues?
From my handbook given to me by my doctor – “Type 2 Diabetes – This is the most common form of diabetes. In type 2 diabetes, your body makes some insulin, but not enough or the insulin your body makes does not work right. The amount of glucose in your blood goes up. Over time, high blood glucose damages the eyes, kidneys, nerves and heart.” and the “Complications of uncontrolled diabetes include” Blindness, Kidney disease, nerve damage, amputation, cardiovascular disease: Stroke, Heart attack, loss of circulation in arms and legs.
That sounds pretty bad right? I don’t have a lot of fear about this – I’m thinking I’m not a fan of amputation or blindness … but with the depression going on and the goal being an end to everything, well does it really matter that I have another thing.
People with type 2 diabetes may need diabetes pills. Many also need insulin. I take a pill with dinner, that’s it at the moment… there are no injections of insulin – although there were during my recent trip to the hospital, they can’t give the pill in the hospital as it might interfere with things so they give you shots of insulin, wasn’t so bad really.
I frequently already have had hypoglycemia – as a result of this. Although it’s not unique to diabetics, it’s not a lot of fun for me – probably not for you either. But now I have some ideas of what to do about it and how to get relief. Hypoglycemia – think Julia Roberts at the salon in Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields made her drink orange juice… mine doesn’t make me a demon woman like Julia was but I feel really weird.
I do eat a little more than I used to, but my diet is still pretty limited. I love pizza, burgers, steaks and fast food…. but I’ve started to branch out. I recently fell in love with rice… white rice… yes, I’m very vanilla. I love the texture, how it feels when it is cooked just right and you can feel a gentle firmness and just melt it away on your tongue… it’s odd I know. But I’ve also incorporated a lot of chicken into my diet – cheap and it tastes pretty damn good when I dry rub it in curry. I love my chicken so hot that I start to sweat when I eat it… well almost anything that hot is good.
Exercise is not a thing that I like to do. I like to walk and I like to ride my bike, but that’s about it (No, I don’t want to ride my bike or walk with you – not a fan of people you know). Back in school I learned some boxing during a self defense class and I liked that so I’m thinking I could tolerate a boxing class or martial arts class. Going to the gym to exercise and just to exercise seems like a waste of time – there’s no purpose out side of being or getting healthy… well I hear (and don’t believe at all) that there are some people that get an endorphin high from exercising and that’s why they do it… damn junkies… but never happened to me, the high comes when it’s over and you think you’ll never have to do it again.
My depression is currently not in cycle, my doctor and I think it cycles through and at the moment it’s not rearing it’s ugly head too much. When it does there are no solutions to anything and even the most ordinary task can seem overwhelming and pointless. I’m taking two drugs at present to combat this – Abilify and Escitalopram – and it really seems to work, unfortunately on occasion I get giddy… which my doctor says is a good thing and I shouldn’t mind, but I do. Not a fan of giddy.
Even when the depression is off cycle that thoughts of dying are persistent. Those thoughts have more fuel now with the recent diagnosis – don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do… well not eat what I want anymore.
I begin to wonder what’s the point – why be here if you continually can’t do the things you used to enjoy. Many people live for others – they love so deeply for someone that it gives their life meaning or something.
I don’t think I really want that. One of the first thoughts I had after the realization that I was in love with Bill was – damn it, now I have to care about living… for him. Fortunately, love ends, at least mine did so that worry didn’t last.
My friend Suzanne says that I bring joy to others and that’s worth living for. I’m too selfish to believe that and there is evidence to the contrary in famous people – Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain…. they brought joy but I think they understood what I do this feeling of just wanting it to be over. It’s not a crisis it’s just a desire to die.
I talk a lot about death being a human right and I think it is. It should be an individual choice for whomever wants to end it. There are enough people that want to live forever and ever and have those things that they want to “live for”, let them have what they want and let us have what we want… but don’t make it senseless, shameful and messy… use suicide to help others… organ donation, scientific study.
When I’m deep in my depression and thoughts of dying are all encompassing I spend most of my time trying to plan a painless, clean death and I have a few ideas that are pretty good. I’ve had some ideas that were ruined upon further research by percentages or errors and or mistakes by otherwise well meaning suicidal folks.
Imagine, and I do, a world where giving your life for others would be considered a nice thing… like Jesus – I give of myself so others can live. My organs, blood and body used to bring about enlightenment or life for someone who wants it. How many people are on lists to receive organs and will die because they aren’t there.. how many assisted life takings (we have to come up with a different name than suicide it has too many negative connotations and we want this to be a beautiful thing and it should be) could then be used to save the life of children, adults, loved ones that otherwise would die.
I thought about selling my body/organs as a way to commit suicide. There is a black market (if I’m to believe TV Dramas) where organs go for big bucks…. I could sell my whole body for $80,000 – $100,000 and then they could take my life the next year… just give me a year to finish it all up and be done with it. Winner winner chicken dinner right?
Diabetes, Depression, Death, and Diameter… added that last one here after writing thing appeared. Today, which is how AA told me to live, is just fine eating a little less, tasting a lot less and being more aware of what’s going on in my own body.
This post may offend some of the more religiously inclined… this don’t bother me, just thought you should have a warning.
I officially have laryngitis – thanks Doc, I kind of figured that. I’ve been asked to refrain from talking, yelling or singing (My Doc has a sense of humor). This is hard to do really, the singing part… I don’t really yell often. Not talking is proving to be harder than i thought too, but I’ll get there. What the doctor didn’t say was laughing is bad too – when I laugh I seem to lose more of my voice… no no jokes damn you. (more…)
