My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.
First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.
In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.
AFTER LIFE
When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.
If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.
In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.
REMAINS
I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.
I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.
When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.
Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.
BELONGINGS
I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol
The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.
Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.
Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦
Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.
Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.
Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.
I think that’s it… not much like I said.
FINANCIAL
There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.
MY FRIENDS
Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.
I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.
I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.
Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.
MY FAMILY
It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.
My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.
My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.
I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.
IN CLOSING
I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.
My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.
I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.
Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.
Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.
