Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Gay

  • I’m a homophobe?

    I might be a homophobe, is that even possible? Well I guess it is. I was in Ft Lauderdale a week or so ago, hanging out with my friend Michael K and when I commented about something that he said he looked at me and said: “Oh, that’s right you’re a homophobe.” and I thought to myself, well yeah, I guess I am.

    It’s not that I hate gay people or what gay people do, I’m a gay person and happen to like some of the things that gay people do and especially some of their body parts (I’ll try to keep this clean). I’m believe that gay guys should be able to get married, lesbians too. I believe that if I were to serve in my countries military I should be able to do so openly gay.

    Let’s take a look at what homophobia is according to Wiki:

    Homophobia (from Greek homós: one and the same; phóbos: fear, phobia) is defined as an “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals”,[1] or individuals perceived to be homosexual; it is also defined as “unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality”,[2] “fear of or contempt for lesbians and gay men”,[2] as well as “behavior based on such a feeling”.[3]. It is defined by behavior (such as discrimination) as well as motivation (such as fear, antipathy or contempt).[2] Homophobic is the adjective form of this term used to describe the qualities of these characteristics, while homophobe is the noun form given as a title to individuals labeled with homophobic characteristics.

    So lets take a look at my record:

    I auditioned and was accepted into the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington DC in 2007. I love singing and love looking at handsome guys, and I AM GAY… what’s not to love about the gay men’s chorus. Well it turns out they sing songs about being gay, gay life, gay love… even Christmas songs that are gay. I’m not much of a fan of Christmas (is there such a thing as a Christmasphobe?) but the one part of it I do like is the music, and I don’t really want to gay up the lyrics with Judy Garland, Mary and rainbows… I just want to sing Christmas music.

    As my readers know, I’m an alcoholic and regularly (I use the term regularly loosely) attend 12 step meetings. I am a big book thumping, quote spewing, 12 step principle practicing alcoholic – I quit going to group therapy in treatment and don’t really want to return to it. However, I can’t seem to tolerate Gay AA (or Gay CMA that somehow ends up leading meetings) and the different message I hear there. More than a few times I’ve heard the comparison in meetings that “I drank like an alcoholic because I’m gay.” and I’m fairly certain that people drink like alcoholics because they happen to be alcoholics. We also tend to reference gay icons, movies, role models and such… not really what I thought it was about. If I snuck into a women’s AA meeting would they reference their vagina’s a lot in relationship to their disease? God I hope not.

    A few years ago my friend Robert (and Mark) gave me a handful of DVD’s for my birthday, all but one of them was a gay themed movie. I cringe at even the thought of watching these movies. It may have something to do with the casting, the people that are on the cover have characteristics I associate with gay people, a look, a mannerism that really turns me off. Yes, I know how I sound and how ridiculous it is, but there it is. I sold them at a thrift sale last spring, I didn’t watch a single one. On the other hand I did really enjoy a gay themed movie from the Gay Film Festival a few years back, it was called: Cachorro (Bear Cub), a foreign film. I really liked it.

    Gay Games? not really interested. Gay TV Channel? nope, sorry was bored by all the drag. Drag Queens? um, no… thanks, no… Flaming, flamboyant, extroverted… not really interested there either.

    Perhaps its from growing up in the Midwest, in a small town where the types of characteristics I associate with gay people were frowned upon, teased, mocked – if so, why wouldn’t 12 years of living in DC surrounded by homosexuals of every type break this mentality. There are also characteristics that I associate with gay people that could be the direct result of living in Washington DC – I think we whine a lot, I think we are overly sensitive and over concerned with labels, colors and titles. Perhaps I’m just a homophobe.

    So am I a homophobe? Probably, but I don’t think I care as long as I can someday find a husband and settle down. I’ll do my best in the meantime to keep my feelings inside and try to change my level of tolerance and acceptance… but I don’t really want to.

  • Ft Lauderedale Trip

    My last trip to the Royal Palms was over two years ago and every day I was there it rained, this time all I had was sunshine warmth and handsome bears… what more could a guy ask for?

    Friday was rather uneventful for me, swam in the pool layed out by the pool and read from my Kindle. I was tired and in bed before 11:00 and I slept in until 8:30 crazy… that is what I love about vacations, doing what I want and usually that equates to nothing. Jim’s mother passed away in the afternoon so I sent out a few notification emails and made a few calls. I received a few calls to for Jim and Ana from friends that were worried about them, it’s nice to know that I’m an emergency contact.

    Saturday I had a Costa Rican for lunch 😉 and that evening I went out to dinner, a meeting and a movie with Michael K to celebrate his AA anniversary. Dinner was at J Alexanders, a nice steak house down there (I think it’s a chain).

    We went to the beginners meeting and it was an interesting format. There were very entertaining moments, one guy who said he was 9 years sober and still restless, irritable and discontented ever day said basically that if you didn’t slip you’re not a real alcoholic, it was precious… poor guy really needs to get a program and some help.

    We went to see Julie and Julia or whatever and it was very cute.

    Sunday was a nice relaxing day, I went for a walk, spent some cash on clothes and headed back to the resort for a quick nap and some afternoon delight.

    I got enough sun and relaxation and made some nice new friends. Then I boarded the plane… lol

    There was a young thin blonde girl right in front of me and she kept getting up and fidgeting (this was even before we left the gate) and I heard the stewardess tell her that if she felt that strongly about it we would go back to the gate… I had a window seat and she had a clastrophic thing going on and she eventually got moved to my row on the aisle. She apparently is very phobic about flying and had forgotten her Xanax that day so was particularly frightened. The cute guy (married, straight, beared bear) next to me and I did our best to distract her and made conversations with her the entire way. She did finally allow me to open my shade when we were landing. She was on the first leg of her journey and I hope she fared better on the second flight.

  • Only The Lonely

    Over the last several months I’ve been fortunate (or unfortunate – depending on how you want to look at it) enough to have heard from several different people how lonely, depressed or just out of sorts they seem to be.

    My advice to each of them has been the same: Maybe you should go to more meetings.

    It’s easy to give the same advice to these people when I met each of them in a 12 step meeting.

    Now it came as a surprise to me when each of these individuals gave me exactly the same answer: I don’t go to meetings anymore. I just don’t feel connected there and don’t think I really need to go anymore.

    Well, I can understand why you feel lonely, depressed and out of sorts. You’ve obviously become well enough that you no longer need other people, a program of recovery or a power greater than yourself.

    I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m not going to enable you, I’m not going to listen to you whine. Get the hell out of your self-imposed seclusion and go to a meeting, you’ll feel better, see people and rejoin the path of recovery that will show you a way of life that is indescribably wonderful.

    “Yeah but…” A friend of mine says that everything after “yeah, but…” is bullshit. I’m all for that, there are no excuses, take the action you need to take to recover for your disease and quit complaining that the world doesn’t treat you right. It’s not attractive.

    If you go to meetings and don’t participate in the fellowship before or after the meetings, that’s half your problem. Whey aren’t you reaching out to other members and calling, emailing or hanging with them?

    “Yeah, but emails aren’t the same…” see above
    “Yeah, but no one really connects with me…” see above
    “Yeah, but my case is different…” see above

    You want to feel a part of, you want to feel like you belong? Take the action. Hold out your hand to shake, raise your hand to share, invite yourself to lunch… Do something.

  • The Florida Roundup – Contempt after investigation?

    I usually do this kind of thing in time line synopsis like paragraphs, and I see no point in changing now so here we go. (This would have been a very long post, I’ve changed it)

    This past summer Chris G. said something about the Florida Roundup that made me realize I had been poking fun at it and dismissing it as less than a worthwhile event without ever having gone myself: Contempt prior to investigation. So I set out to correct that error and was self assured that I would soon be able to boast at what a horrendous waste of time and money the Florida Roundup was.

    There were rules of course, there always are when I go about this kind of thing. I agreed to attend at least one of every scheduled event – friends suggested that I go to at least one workshop, the Sunday brunch and the Play. OK, to be honest I had no intention of going to the play, the same friends that had suggested I go to the play told me you had to see the movie The Devil Wears Prada on the big screen to see the details of the fashion, and, as I’ve said before, I’m not that kind of gay. I even spent an extra day or two, arriving Wednesday and leaving Monday… well that was the plan anyway. I also agreed that I would not start to complain about things, because when I start it’s hard to stop and I wanted to be fair.

    So what did I like about the Roundup? Seeing friends, getting to know new friends, 2 of the main speakers, the one day that I managed to spend lying on the beach with my Kindle reading, meals with folks I didn’t know really well and meals with folks that I had just met, eye candy everywhere.

    What I didn’t like: the hotel, the hotel’s housekeeping, the hotel’s idea of hot water and water pressure in showers, the cost of a cab to/from the airport ($80), the drag shows, the Sunrise meeting (which I was told to attend at least once – it rained, was dark, and cold), the drag shows, the drag shows before almost every meeting… well, you know.

    I was pleased to meet some very special people with long term sobriety that I hope to get to know better over the years if I’m fortunate enough to stay sober and alive – Michael and Terry among others.

    At the big meetings there were some things that really got to me, little shout outs back to readers of conference approved literature (How It Works, the Preamble, the promises). A member of AA standing at a podium reading the literature that contains specific directions on how we get better and instead of honest reflection and mediation there is laughter at the cat calls and what not that they’ve added to our ritual. At one point, some young man yelled out to a woman reading: “show us your tits” which was promptly booed, but that’s where we are headed I think.

    So, would I attend the Roundup again? I don’t know, I’m sure I could be persuaded, but not today.

  • Never Quite What I Expected

    This was quite possibly the oddest year I’ve ever had. I started out the year surrounded by a host of friends supporting me during a small crisis and ended up the year with a host of friends surrounding me during a major crisis. I’ve been very fortunate to have such good friends, family and mentors in my life… and this year it paid off.

    First, the list of Favorite Things of 2008
    Movie: The Dark Knight (Heath Ledger was spectacular and it was a great comic book story)
    Album: Evolver (John Legend) – if you buy any album this year, buy this one
    Video Game: World of Warcraft – Wrath of the Litch King (I am getting a bit bored with the game, it’s been my favorite for 4 or 5 years now)
    TV Show: CSI – lots of changes over at CSI this year, not sure if I’ll like it after all the changes are done but I’m trying to remain open minded.
    Airline: Northwest/Delta – the way they helped me in November was just beyond what I expected – Kudos to them
    Coffee Pot: I got a new one, Cuisinart and it’s the best.. I bought one for Lisa it’s that good
    Gadget: Kindle – electronic books I love this thing and I have a ton of books on it.
    Web page: Facebook – dang this thing is addicting and fun

    As per usual, every Sunday morning if we are in DC – Mark, Robert and i have breakfast somewhere before our Sunday meeting. Annie’s changed their menu this fall so we are currently looking for a new place to eat – we may have found one after much searching.

    I started out the year following up on quitting my job, I had made the decision to quit back in November of 07, and events that happened in December just made me want to hurry out that much sooner. I gave notice, a months notice and told them I’d be happy to help them out for a while until my replacement was settled in. Then I was fired the following week (yes Gary fired). They locked me out of my work station and wiped my Blackberry clean. I was resentful for a while, but most of it got out in my blog and I felt better.

    Jim DiLuigi (who was also fired, but in December) and I wasted no time, but started up Access-Ability Consultants, Inc and have been working steadily since. Its a nice arrangement and we have a lot of fun. This year we made a profit, so that’s a very good thing. We have lots of very busy days and lots of days where we have time for Charlie to send jokes or to find cheap things for Jim to buy at Heartland America. Jim is the Treasurer for Historic Takoma which provides plenty of work for both of us, but doesn’t actually pay the bills 😉

    One of the nicer things about working with Jim is his family. As a result of the new company I’ve been fortunate to get to know some very special people better than I had a chance to know them before: Ana Maria, Lisa (and Rankine), David (and Regina), Mark (and Kate) and Jim’s Mom and brother as well. I will let you know that it got a little tense during some of the political circus this year as the DiLuigi family are not all the same political party… it was fun to see some of the back and forth banter.

    I’ve tried dating this year, been on several dates with several men … yes, JUST dates. There have been some promising candidates, but I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve, why would I want to. I’m still looking and its been a lot of fun. wish me luck.

    The cats (Q and Mouse) are fine, though Q has some kind of psychological disorder – or i assume so cause the Xrays found nothing ($338 later) to tell why he wont poop in the box.

    This was a high school year, not just the faux high school reunion, I also spent time with Eric and Kelly here in DC, and then Eric and I had a great weekend at the Renaissance Fair and Baltimore this fall. Ted, Eric, Rick, Jeff, Tim… hell a ton of folks are on Facebook, so I know what’s going on in their daily lives.

    I took several trips this year.

    In April Suzanne and I spent a weekend in NY (NJ and NY really) and besides someone breaking into her car (they didn’t steal anything, and the Ipod I had bought her for Christmas was in the Jeep – we think they were looking for the GPS) we had a great time. I saw my first play on Broadway – Young Frankenstein. I heard alot about Paul (Suzanne’s fiance) this weekend, but I didn’t get a chance to meet him until December. Suzanne’s dog Destiny had been very old at this point and Suzanne had her put to sleep, it was sad.

    In May I took a trip for my AA birthday (14) I went to Ft Lauderdale, but didn’t have quite as much fun as I normally do (read what you want into that).

    In June I took my first trip to Wisconsin for Scooters going away party. He graduated high school and took off for basic training. It’s always nice to spend time with Pat and Brenda and I, of course drove down to see Ma, Pa and Rhonda in Galesville and also visited Jim’s daughter in Nashville – that was very enjoyable it was nice to spend time with Lisa, her husband Rankine and their dogs Daisy and Buddy. so of course I missed gay pride in DC again… nothing new there.

    In July I took another trip to WI, this time for my pseudo 20 year reunion. Just a few of us decided to meet up and reminisce. It was a trip to see Rosy, Ted, Eric and Jen again. I hope we do it often. It was very nice and I stayed at Ma and Pa’s for 4 days I think. I got back and the next night went to see George Michael perform at the Verizon Center with Mark and Robert – I don’t much care for concerts so that’ll likely be my last one.

    In August, Pat, Brenda and Anna (Scooters girlfriend) came to DC to visit Scooter after Basic and then make me play tour guide… they had fun torturing me. In August a friend, John Dunn, died, it was sudden, unexpected and sad. He was one of the nicest people I ever met here in DC, he was mourned by many across the area.

    In October Jim and I finalized plans to take a trip to Cancun in November, I invited my good friend Brenda to go with me and then gave her a hard time every other day. One day I called and told her that the passport number she gave me was listed as invalid… she turned the car around and headed home… then I told her I was fibbin… she swore then. lol

    So of course the day my Pa died in November (15th) I called her as she was about to board the commuter plane to come to DC for the trip to Cancun and at first she didn’t believe me … don’t cry wolf.

    My Pa dying was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. I cried like I had never cried before and I still miss him. I hope that I will always miss him. I get teary and sad off an on since I found out. I don’t really want to talk about it here… again… I miss my Pa. I am trying to be a better son, trying to be a better brother by staying more in touch with Ma and Rhonda… and as a result I’m trying to be a healthier person also. I had so much support from friends when this happened, and I am so very grateful that they were there and I hope I can be there for them if a similar situation occurs.

    In December I spent 5 days for my birthday in San Diego, exploring, playing tourist and relaxing. It was the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait to go back.

    The weekend before Christmas I went to Suzanne’s, met her fiance Paul and her new dog Farley. We had a lovely visit.

    That was my year, it went by entirely too fast, but overall it was a good year. The people (salads and dogs) that have moved on this year made me into the person I am today – which is a good thing.

    If you want to know full on details about anything that was written above, try looking at my blog: http://mrjamezq.blogspot.com almost everything that happened this year to me was documented.

    I hope you all have a lovely year and I hope that I may get to share just a tiny fraction of yours with you.

    love

    jamez

  • I Agree Marriage Shouldn’t Be Recognized

    Not same-sex marriage, different sex marriage, polygamist marriage, nor any other type of union.

    For too long we’ve politely glanced away when we’ve seen the golden band on their finger, I say no more. Equality for all, if we can’t have it, lets make damn sure they can’t either. Divorce is at 50% now, think of what will happen when we ignore the rules and don’t play fair.

    Any man is eligible for sex; and most men – gay or straight – can’t turn down a good blow job. Let’s take advantage of the straight man’s sexual needs and get some of our needs met as well. Bathroom senators, heroin addicted ministers, professional athletes, here we come… no pun intended.

    This isn’t just about man on man sex, think of the women that could come to fully realize how much fun sex can be once they’ve been exposed to talented lesbians. Never mind the fact that (stereotypical) lesbians will be better at helping these ladies around the house than there emasculated husbands ever were.

    Let’s redefine marriage, lets make it that much harder for you biased, bigoted, bastards to stay together at all.

    —

    Ok, that’s not what we really want. Sure there were times, when I was younger, that all I thought about was having good sex and more good sex after that. And I’m sure there are some younger folks out there, whether gay or straight, who think that way today… hell, maybe some older folks too.

    We want what everyone in America was promised: equality, freedom, choice. We want to be able to celebrate our love of another human being with the rest of the world, and to share that love with those around us. We want the same basic rights of love that our straight counterparts get without having to fight for it at all.

    Are these things the downfall of humanity? Will they lead to the destruction of all things? I don’t think so, I’ve never known love as strong as I’ve seen it in homosexual couples to end up as something bad.

    They say marriage would be redefined. Look at our history and see how much marriage has been changed already – it was not that long ago that people of different races were not allowed to marry. We don’t want to change existing marriage, we just want to share in it, we want to share in the joys, the heartaches, the rights, the wrongs of every other American citizen has if they are straight.

    Is it a civil right? The Declaration of Independence states:

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

    And what is love of my (potential) partner but “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”?

    We don’t want more than you want, we want the exact same thing you have, which is our unalienable right in this land of freedom and equality.

  • My San Diego Adventure

    I had a great time.

    Oh, you need more… hmmm.

    The flight was uneventful, I did get to upgrade to first class for a small fee, and afterward I couldn’t tell you that there is a difference on US Airways between First and Coach, perhaps they ignore completely the folks in Coach and only slightly ignore those of us in first class… I’m not sure.

    This was my first trip to San Diego, and flying into the city was a breathtaking experience. As we approached and the outskirts of the city became visible to me, there were about 7 folks parachuting into the mountain area there – as they were there our plane was restricted from being low enough for an approach to land to actually be ok, so we had to fly out over the ocean and come back around – which pleased me as I got to see the city from above twice and just loved it.

    My hotel, The Park Manor Suites, was just a short cab ride from the airport and very inexpensive. I arrived at my hotel around 12:30 p.m., checked in and headed out almost immediately to see what I could find. (I forgot I actually went to the penthouse of the hotel where they have a restaurant, and had a burger quickly.)

    I walked to Balboa Park and just wandered around exploring the area, so much to see there (museums, architecture, views of downtown, muscular men in shorts jogging… ). I discovered that walking to the zoo on Thursday was going to be the cheapest way to go, and I discovered that they have a holiday light event (Balboa Park Holiday Nights) which would mean I had no intention of sifting through crowds of foolish merriment.

    My intention was to go to a meeting on Wednesday night, but I fell asleep in my room around 6 p.m. and woke around 5 a.m. the next morning. Oh well, we all know what the road to hell is paved with.

    Thursday after drinking coffee in my room I went upstairs to the penthouse for a continental breakfast and then headed out to the zoo. The San Diego Zoo was just amazing, and I was there almost as soon as it opened to the public that day. There were not too many screaming children, nor too many people at all, I may have had the best day to go. I immediately found the Pandas and then found my way to the overhead tram…. I quickly discovered that I have a small fear of heights, but I said a quick prayer (“God, please remove the fear.”) and its not like they could have gotten me off the damn thing once it started… To foolishly confront my fear, I went on the tram again later… had to say the same prayer again too. I had a great time at the zoo, it was a spectacular day.

    On my way back from the zoo, I headed to the San Diego Air and Space Museum. I had heard someone (either in the park, the hotel or the zoo) mention something about a Star Trek Exhibit, so I wanted to be sure to check it out. It was very cool, I did simulators of a Starfleet shuttle, got beamed up and just had a very geeky time.

    That evening I had dinner at the hotel. I didn’t really care for it, but I know people that like sauces and weird food probably would enjoy the restaurant there (that would more than likely be the rest of the planet). I just wanted a good steak, and I didn’t find one… (not the whole trip, but I didn’t do a search on the net for one, next visit I’ll do better research).

    Friday I took a trolley tour (no not a real trolley, one of those buses that looks like a trolley) of the city and did a lot of shopping. I loved Sea Port Village, got a close look at some hotels I’ve only ever seen in reports (the Marriott, the Sheraton… ) and just had a pleasant walk. The “boardwalk” stroll was nice on Friday, the weather was very cooperative to my enjoying the sun and calling friends in the midwest where it snowed.

    Friday night at the hotel they have a very popular happy hour on the penthouse. I attended, but soon felt uncomfortable and left. I don’t like bars. So, no I couldn’t tell you how any of the San Diego bars were, as I didn’t go… I had considered going to the Eagle, but soon remembered that I left my boots in DC and didn’t want to go without my boots (I’m weird, yes… we know).

    Saturday (my birthday) I had a few things in mind: facial, shopping, nap… yes, I’m easy to please. I also managed to go to the Balboa Theater to see the San Diego Men’s Chorus do their holiday show. They had a special guest from American Idol, but I didn’t know her, Paris Bennet. 

    Sunday I took a Hornblower Cruise of the San Diego bay. It was great, I spent two hours on a boat touring and loved it. 
    Monday I had breakfast at the Hash House A Go Go, again (I had eaten there almost every day for breakfast – huge portions) and then went off to the air port to go home.  Monday was an uneventful day, but I still relaxed and enjoyed it…
    until, while on the plane, I spilled scalding hot coffee on myself, oh well…

  • The Quest for the Sunday Breakfast – Week 1

    Since Annie’s Paramount Steakhouse in Dupont Circle has removed my favorite salad and refuses to bring it back – my friends Mark and Robert and I have begun our search for a new Sunday morning breakfast place.

    Our first stop, yesterday September 21st, was at La Madelline in Georgetown.

    We found parking immediately – it was 8:30 in the morning so you’d expect to… but Georgetown can be tricky for parking.

    It was confusing for us, we’re used to being waited on by a good gay waiter, this place didn’t appear to have anyone gay, french or american citizen… but I digress. So we stood in line, looking at the menu, pressured by women behind the counter to choose and move… even though at the time there were no patrons behind us.

    I saw the fresh fruit in separate bowls that the woman was willing to serve out: strawberries, grapes, musk melon, water melon, pineapple. So I said I wanted some fruit, I pointed to the water melon and she started to dish out the musk melon, which I didn’t want… she finally understood and gave me the water melon an pineapple. I also pointed to the strawberries… she said “No, buy bowl” I stated quite clearly that I didn’t want an entire bowl of strawberries, just some in my mixed fruit… she would not give me any… so I wonder why they had the large bowl of strawberries with the rest of the large bowls of fruit if I couldn’t have any. I then ordered scrambled eggs and bacon (everything in this place comes with a croissant, if you just came in to use the restroom you’d likely leave with a croissant) and a coffee. The total for my meal was $14.53

    Mark and Robert both had similar experiences and they knew better than to ask for separate strawberries as I had gone first.

    The meal, when it was delivered was ok… not a very large portion and it certainly did not help that the luke warm coffee and luke warm orange juice were bland in taste.

    After we had been sitting for only a few minute the place filled up with people and it was loud and crowded. Lots of tourists and we did hear some people speaking French, but I think they too were tourists and likely thought this was just like meals back home…

    So La Madelline is out of contention for place to have breakfast, perhaps next week at The Diner, we’ll find our new home.

  • Deception

    The other night I had a date at the theaters near Chinatown metro. I came straight from work and realized that I might want to buy a mint or something for my breath. Remembering that the CVS is being remodeled and therefore closed, I walked across to the Starbucks to buy a small tin of mints. When I walked up to the register to pay for them, the cashier looked at me and said:

    “You came all the way over here for mints?”

    I looked up at him and said:

    “Yep, I have a date and don’t want to have bad breath when she gets here.”

    “she”… wow… so in a split second there at the register I somehow found the need to conceal who I really am. Isn’t that odd.

    ——–

    My best friend Suzanne was recently telling her boyfriend about me. She said “He’s gay”. I wasn’t there, but he must have rolled his eyes or something, cause she said: “You can’t really tell.”

    ——–

    It was always one of those little things when I was a kid:
    Don’t hold your hands that way.
    Never ever let a limp wrist show.
    Make sure you don’t walk like a girl, talk like a girl or drool at boys like a girl.

    What does that do to the inside of your mind growing up if you can’t be who you are, can’t express what you really feel. Its odd to think of these things now, but it’s what’s on my mind.

  • The Stalker – Updated

    I’m spoken to the Police and we’re going to start a case against him. The officer assured me that he is indeed demonstrating stalking behavior and we should take steps necessary to nip this in the bud.

    OK, because at this point I am just god damn creeped out and pissed off and frustrated I’m putting it here.

    Many years ago, I slept with a guy named Rod. His name is spelled Raad I guess and he’s middle eastern. I only slept with him once, just once, it was just sex, no date no dinner, just sex.

    Well, he’s become obsessed with me, and several years ago he could not for whatever reason understand the word NO, and continued to send me emails from several accounts. He, at one point, took a job a block or two away from my house to watch me walk home. He collected pictures of me, put them in a circle collage that he shared with me to show how much he loved me. When I responded to his email that that was beyond wrong, and scary he let me know that he had indeed talked to his roommate who agreed that yes this was creepy and he agreed to stop sending me emails.

    This summer I went to a bar, for whatever reason, and there he was… Jesus Christ talk about ruining an evening. He came up talked to me and I said hello, and then goodbye. I had hoped that was the end of it, but no… now I’m getting spammed by his IM’s on a site I frequent, I’ve asked him to stop, he will not listen. I’ve reported his profile on the site, I’m posting this, and I will have to report him to the authorities as he’s a god damn nut job that is stalking me.

    If anything bad happens to me, it was this guy that did it.