55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer
The 4th thing is off, for those of you that didn’t know, I had volunteered to sing with the Washington Choral Arts Society for A Capitol Fourth. A televised show in front of the Capital.
Then something came up at work, and I think I will not be able to devote to the practice or the performance the amount of energy that should be devoted to the project, so I bowed out. It is a big thing at work, so I think it was the right decision.
Back in 1986 or 87 when I went off to camp, it was a job corp type camp filled with other kids and we stayed in some kind of religious university dorm rooms. I recall everyone pairing off, everyone had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I didn’t have one, didn’t really want one either, but felt kind of pressured to get one. Mind you, at this time everyone except Liberace was straight, so for a 6 year old kid any attractiveness towards the male gender was frowned upon.
I did finally give in, started holding hands and kissing with Rebecca, the little red head girl… so very Charlie Brown of me. We never did more than kiss, and I didn’t believe the other boy’s bravado about going further. At the time George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” had recently been released and believe it or not, Monagomy was the topic of discussion; the kids didn’t know what it meant and one of the camp counselors explained it to us.
So a part of me, back then, thought this girl, Rebecca, maybe she could be the one for me, the one that ‘fixes’ me. At the end of summer camp, we vowed to keep in touch and I assumed remain faithful to one another. So the next year at camp, I was shocked to learn she had moved on… well relieved a bit too, I didn’t really want to be ‘fixed’ I liked guys and didn’t not want to be myself.
I don’t want to date someone just for the sake of dating someone, I want it to be more than that. So, that spark has to be there and even a little bit of Wow!!! has to be there.
So, this guy last week told me that his house mate had left a bunch of food from an event and asked if I wanted to come over and eat some of it. I explained that I was a very picky eater, and then pointed out that he was asking me over for leftovers.
Last night, same guy, asked if I would like to go to a Bar-BQ on Memorial Day with him.
Does this seem to anyone else like he’s asking me out? I’m such an online guy that actually being asked out is a foreign concept to me.
Even when I was young, I never had any real desires to exercise. While my siblings would be out in the snow or running around outside playing tag or ball; I would rather be in my room reading a book or watching TV.
In school it was a little different, I learned to detest P.E. class. Silly exercises that were mandatory, taught by either frightening muscled out hairy beasts or the women that wanted to be frightening muscled out hairy beasts. There was no explanation as to why these were necessary, what they would do for us, it was a ‘chore’. Now, the rest of school was also a chore, but it seemed less so to me. I didn’t mind learning things, just didn’t want any sweat involved in the learning.
So tonight, I go off to Gold’s Gym and meet with my personal trainer for the last time. I haven’t actually seen her in a few weeks, nor been to the gym. I just can’t drag myself to go, there is nothing of interest at the gym and I find it very boring.
I guess I’m self conscious too, I often compare myself to others outsides or what I see this guy or that guy doing. So and so can lift this much weight and I can only lift this much weight so why even try. It seems an effort in futility to me.
What I really need is a reason to go, some kind of motivation or excuse that will inspire me… and I haven’t found that yet.
So, I’ve finally done it: made my decision to audition for the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington. Last week I attended their rehearsal, and my audition will be in the middle of March. It was a little bit nerve racking, just showing up. They offered me sheet music and to sing along.
It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve attempted to interpret sheet music, I don’t recall what the symbols mean which are rests, how long do the rests last and so forth. But, I think I did pretty good, I did not see anyone wincing in pain near me as I sung. I did not sing during the one latin song, as they had included some pronunciation keys which I did not have before hand.
Anyway, it’s a lot of pretty guys, some I’ve seen in AA. I’ll let you know if I manage to get in or not.
Our President could be spending his time, energy and influence on getting our troops home safely from a war that he started erroneously. Instead, he and the GOP have decided the most important thing for them to focus on is discrimination and ways to encourage hate across the country.
How can same sex marriage be primary on an agenda when brave men and women of our country are losing their lives EVERY DAY. How is the private lives of people who love one another more important that saving lives of an American soldier?
Do our soldiers mean that little to you Mr. President? Are they just one more sacrifice in your vast agenda? Do you care so little for freedom, love and life that you have to focus on ways to ignite this blaze of hate in our country?
Figure out what’s important here… Sure this got you elected, but don’t you think the lives of American’s in danger every day, because of your decisions and lies, should be first on your list?
I’m 35 today. Old, gray, and gay.
I’m a far cry from what I had expected to be at 15, 20 or 25… I’m alive.
I keep thinking back to when I was a teen; the music, the trouble the lies.
Looking back at all I have seen, all I have done that have changed my very life.
Now it is not a destination, but a journey of a spiritual life.
A journey of prayer, love and hope. A destination found in His direction and might.
All that has changed, all that remains the same, all that is new exciting and bright.
If I could wish a gift for you, for all, this day I wish for an adventure as grand as my life.
I don’t talk about dates on the site. I don’t talk about individual men I may have met here either. The site is public, it is on my email signature so everyone know about it mostly and I certainly don’t want anyone “playing for the camera” so to speak. Besides, every time I tell my friends about a potential guy he suddenly disappears or is proven to be a psycho.
I don’t feel comfortable talking about AA on the site. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll write a story about ME in AA or one of my personal experiences, but I don’t want to write about what happens in AA meetings today. There is the anonymous part of AA that needs to remain anonymous I guess… Trust me if things get too far out of hand at a meeting I’ll be sure to share at least the frustration.
Have a splendid weekend.
