Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: AA

  • but, that's not the miracle…

    This last weekend I was at the Gopher State Roundup in Bloomington, MN. Over 8,000 people attend this round up each year and it can be a bit overwhelming. I haven’t been in a few years, the last time I was in town for the Roundup there were about 4,500 folks, so it just keeps growing. At the Saturday night speaker we found ourselves without seats in the main room, thankfully they show all the speakers on the closed circuit TV that you can see in your bed room.

    Love and Tolerance was the theme this year, I only heard two of the speakers reference it even though a huge banner was draped over the curtain right behind them. Almost every speaker did have one phrase in common though: “but, that’s not the miracle…”. Each one said it about some part of their journey in recovery and why it wasn’t as special as the real miracle.

    I had met several old friends who live in the greater Minneapolis area and go to meetings up there, it was nice to catch up and relive old times. Each of them, without mentioning it, reminded me of how pissed off I was in AA. It really made me remember all the bitterness, intolerance and selfishness that I displayed and honestly felt during the first few years of my recovery. Some people still fondly remember me as the “angry guy”.

    You see, in early recovery I still thought I should run the show and believe me, my actors and actresses kept screwing up the production. I would honestly look around the room before the meeting a criticize (in my own head most of the time) what others had done to help set up or get ready, sometimes even what they were wearing. Didn’t they know how important this was to me? Didn’t they understand how hard I was struggling to just make it through a day – they could at least try to do things the right way. But of course that was me being my selfish, self-centered, ego-centric self and wondering why you didn’t realize that pleasing me was the most important job in AA.

    At one particular meeting I was so angry you probably could have toasted marshmallows near me, other people were not living up to my expectations one more time and I was just pissed. My friend at the time turned to me and said: “no one said you have to stay here”. That was it, I really needed to hear that and I looked at her, relieved and walked out of the meeting and away from that group, but that’s not the miracle…

    Luckily, I didn’t drink or go postal during this time but I assure you that was probably where I was headed if I didn’t find release soon. I didn’t know what to believe in anymore, I had seen the program work in other people and knew that something had happened that gave them an entire psychic change, something or someone gave them a solution. I didn’t have that nor did I really know how to get that all I really knew to do was read the Big Book and pray to a God I didn’t really want to believe in. That’s all I needed to stay sober – taking actions that didn’t believe would work. But, that’s not the miracle…

    For years after leaving this meeting I would attend meetings, I wasn’t interested in sharing my experience, strength, and hope as far as I was concerned my experience was flawed, my strength missing and I had little hope. I would listen to people yammer on in meetings about their problems, rarely hearing a solution (the book, the steps) and sometimes would be so pissed off again that I would stand up and walk out of the meeting. Sometimes I would walk out just knowing who the lead was, that person will never grow or change and I’m not interested in hearing the same crap that they’ve said countless times before. That’s not real recovery that’s just bringing your body and hoping that you learn by osmosis.

    I was in double digit so-called sobriety still the angry young man. I was lost and just didn’t know it. I had put my Big Book on a shelf to collect dust, hadn’t talked to God in quite a long time (unless something was wrong and I needed a pinch hitter), and wasn’t trying to be of service to anyone except myself. I didn’t drink in any of these years, nor take a drug… but I might as well have. I had the chance to go to a meeting with my friend Suzanne out of state and I spent the whole time obsessing about what they didn’t do right that I didn’t hear the message. Afterward, Suzanne remarked on the powerful stories of the speakers and I just wasn’t at the same meeting – I was still director and my actors were out of control again.

    So that’s how I found myself on a ship, a cruise ship, looking out over a beautiful starlit sky and thinking to myself “If I just throw myself off that would be the end of it.” That thought shook me, how did I get here again, how was I at the jumping off place? I was honestly pretty frightened and avoided the balcony the rest of the trip. I was lost, again.

    When I returned home I sought out help from someone who had what I wanted – serenity. I explained that I was lost and asked for direction and help finding a path again. I committed myself to shaking everyone’s hand before a meeting. I started reading my Big Book regularly again. I sought out step meetings and examples of service and action. Slowly, I got better (I guess that’s a personal opinion).

    The miracle is that I asked for help.

    The miracle is that I remembered “Faith without works is dead”.

    The miracle is that the anger is gone.

    The miracle is that I remembered God doesn’t make to hard terms to those who seek him.

    The miracle is things are exactly as they are meant to be and every once in a while, in the group therapy sessions the locals think is AA, I hear the real message of Alcoholics Anonymous and remember that someone else might be hearing it too.

  • Meeting Directories

    Wouldn’t it be nice if meeting directories had little bios or disclaimers? So you could be forewarned or at least prepared for what your about to attend or not attend, as the case may be.

    Here are some ideas:

    Monday Night Topic AA 7:30

    Disclaimer: About 65% of the attendees of this meeting also belong to the fellowship On and On… and they do go on and on.

    Tuesday Night 12 and 12 Meeting 8:00

    Disclaimer: Mostly a just a 12 meeting, they don’t like to read or follow the traditions. You also may find the step of the night to be 3 but the actual topic to be your bad day at the office.

    Wednesday Night Gay Meeting 6:00

    Disclaimer: Expect lots of references to black and white movie stars, fashion and how being gay is the cause of alcoholism. Everyone is fashionably late, this meeting time is difficult make on time, but if they do make it they look FABULOUS!

    Thursday Night Open Speaker Meeting 7:30

    Disclaimer: Dressed up, greeters, disciplined. Commitments, greeters, decent coffee, an cookies. Speakers usually talk about recovery and are inspiring.

    Friday Night Newcomers 8:00

    Disclaimer: Sadly most of the recovered community have repaired the wreckage of their past and have things to do on Friday nights, so this meeting is pretty chaotic. Lots of sickness here and no direction usually.

    Saturday Noon Big Book Meeting

    Disclaimer: This meeting can range from open discussion with no Big Book in sight, or reading the stories in the back of the book – ignoring the directions (Page 1 – 164) completely.

    Sunday Serenity Step Meeting 7:00

    Disclaimer: Step nazi’s. These people don’t tolerate whining, bitching or moaning. You’ll hear lots about the steps, history, traditions and service work at this meeting. Don’t be surprised if a sponsor is appointed to you.

    Yeah… I think this would be beneficial, and it might certainly save me some time.

  • The 2009 WI Holiday

    When I left WI for DC 11 some years ago I made it pretty clear to everyone how much I dislike winter and that I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. When Pa died last November I looked back over the last decade and saw all the time that I could have been there to see him and spend time with him and instead I stayed in DC. So this year I decided it was time to go home to see Ma and the family. I planned early and had a ticket to leave DC on Christmas Eve and come home on the 30th. The best part was that I didn’t tell her I was coming. I did have to tell Rhonda though, to be sure someone would actually be home if I surprised everyone (One year I called home to wish Ma and Pa a Merry Christmas and my nephew Michael let me know they weren’t home but off gambling…. on Christmas!!! gasp!).

    So that’s how I ended up at Washington National Airport on Christmas Eve morning surrounded by a million people trying to get home for the holiday’s. I arrived an hour and a half before my plane was to depart (thanks to a ride from Gary) and it took me that long exactly to check my bag and get through security. I’d never encountered lines like that at the airport before. I had an aisle seat and was across from a woman who claimed to be a reporter and was asking the Flight Attendants a million questions and more often than not I’d have a Flight Attendants behind in my face as they bent to listen to her and answer her query. I can get through that kind of thing, I have the Ipod on shuffle and the Kindle in my lap, I can get through almost anything… then she taps me on the shoulder. I remove one of my ear buds and look at her questionably. “Do you know what time it is?” She asks. I think she wasn’t a reporter but just likes annoying people.

    Landing in MSP the runways were white and the snow was blowing around quite wildly. Friends in Eau Claire said they had ice coming down. With a three hour layover I had plenty of time to contemplate being stuck in the Minneapolis airport overnight. I made alternate plans to take the Chippewa Valley Airport Shuttle an hour after my plane was to take off (just in case) and was about to make a room reservation (just in case) when we boarded our small commuter plane for Eau Claire. A very uneventful short flight.

    I rented a car in Eau Claire and drove the wrong way out of the airport (with all the snow I couldn’t see very well and the roads were all blanketed in white) to my friends Pat and Brenda’s where I was greeted by Pat and Brenda out in the garage smoking and then my (home from the Army in Iraq) nephew Scooter in a bathrobe and not much else… it was frigid cold out. I had intended to go tot he Pacific Group that night for a meetings but the weather kept us all from our intended plans. We did get to drive around aimlessly looking for somewhere to eat dinner – we arrived at McDonald’s 5 minutes before they closed. That evening we opened gifts from our stockings. Christmas Day arrived and we had a nice breakfast cooked by Sami and Helen and then opened gifts. It was entertaining. I received several different superhero shirts, great stuff for me. After gifts were opened I jumped in the rental car and started my drive to Galesville (about 100 miles south).

    The roads on the interstate were not as bad as I’d imagined, there were miles where it was snowing, miles where it was raining and stretches of road that looked like it hadn’t been affected by the weather at all. Just outside of Osseo there were two Semi’s lying on their side on opposite sides of the road but other than that no obvious accidents. I arrived in Galesville in a relatively short time and attempted to get up Rhonda’s driveway but the ice had me sliding back down it pretty quickly so I followed them (Rhonda and Greg) out of town to Ma’s. At Ma’s were Kenny and Sheila and they were all a little surprised to see me.

    The six of us all went to the movies, this has been a Christmas tradition for me for a few years now, to see Avatar in 3D. I liked it, Ma thought it was “meh”, Kenny can’t deal with the 3D effects … but it was nice to be all together. When we got out of the theater the weather had gotten a bit worse and the roads were treacherous, we had planned to go see the holiday lights but instead we ended up at Ma’s eating dinner and watching Observe and Report (a movie to avoid, this was the second time I’d seen it and I did try to warn them).

    The day after Christmas was when all the family managed to get together and exchange gifts. But that day for lunch I did manage to get to Rocky Roccoco’s for a slice of pizza. The Christmas festivities started around 5:00, Ma, Kenny and Sheila, Rhonda and Greg, Uncle Rick, Michael and Michelle, and Cory, Danielle and Charlie were all there… and lets not forget Winnie and Sammy. It was nice and everyone seemed to have a good time. Lots of photos of Charlie (My grand-nephew) were taken by all and he was very entertaining. The nicest part for me was Uncle Rick being there, he sounds so much like Pa it was like he was in the room with us enjoying the holiday. I’m glad I went home and got to hear that (Ma says she can’t hear it but Rhonda and Kenny have said they can).

    Sunday morning I headed back to the Eau Claire area, stopping at Taco John’s to have my favorite lunch, and that evening I went to the Northside meeting and listened to good discussions on step 12. It was refreshing to be there and to hear the traditions and real recovery. Monday I had breakfast at my favorite breakfast place, (Heckel’s) and that evening went to the 5:30 Big Book meeting at Club 12, more good recovery … it’s like a booster shot that will hopefully help keep me sane back here in DC for a while.

    Tuesday morning, bright and… wait, it was dark, I headed off to the airport to return the car and board the plane for MSP. Nothing to speak of happened until I boarded the plane to DC and was seated next to one of the two screaming toddlers on the plane. I put my Ipod on as soon as I could but the little guy was sleeping and thrashing in his sleep, hitting me several time and or dropping his bottle or screaming … it didn’t really help that the heating system in the plane was screwy – in the back of the plane where I was the heat was so bad I was sweating and in the front I understand they kept their jackets on.

    Alas, it’s over, I’m home and the cat couldn’t be happier. My friends in DC were on Facebook complaining about the cold but having just come from WI I can tell them all it’s warm here, warm and nice and you should appreciate it.

  • My Birthday Wish

    This year for my birthday, December 6, 2009, I’m trying to raise cash for the Midnight Mission a non-profit organization in LA that helps the homeless and has a 12 Step approach. If you’re planning to give me a gift this year I would certainly appreciate a small donation to this worthy charity.

    Their mission statement:

    • To offer a bridge to self-sufficiency for homeless people through counseling, education, training and job placement.
    • To make available the necessities of life to homeless people: food, shelter, clothing, personal hygiene needs, and medical care.
    • To offer the 12-step approach to recovery.
    • To serve homeless people with empathy and respect, without sermonizing.
    • To provide for the homeless as an independent social service agency.

    In 1995 and 1996 I had the opportunity to visit the Midnight Mission first hand and see the good work they do. I also know several people who personally got their second chance at the Mission and made the most of it.

    All I want this year for my birthday is second chances for others and you can help me achieve that goal.

    Click here to donate through my birthday wish.

  • The Number One Offender Is Also the Number One Reason I Can't Sleep

    Resentment. Rethink, Re-feel. It’s the three “R”s and they are not a good thing.

    You’d think that after such a long time of knowing how these things affect my mood, sleep, day or night that I would be more wiling to use the tools that I’ve been taught. But NO. Last night I was up most of the night thinking about what “they did” and how I can “get even”. I’m not even mean enough any more to do the things that came into my mind about getting even.

    It is hard to let go I guess. Hard to realize it doesn’t matter what they do or say and if I didn’t let it it couldn’t possibly affect me. I was lying in bed last night praying for God to remove the resentments so I could go to sleep, but I honestly knew that they were half-hearted prayers. I get some weird kick out of holding on to these resentments – the 12 X 12 says we exult in some of our character defects. We get off on it. This is so true for me. Praying that “that bastard gets everything he deserves” is apparently not an effective prayer.

    So it is nice that the email wasn’t sent out yesterday. Perhaps with a few prayers and meditation this morning (and a ton of coffee) we can think clearer and just let this slide off our backs. I have to remember that keeping my side of the street free from anger and the brainstorm is going to keep me sane… well saner.

    I have to remember that what the book says:

    Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. – Page 64

    I don’t want to let this guy and his company get me drunk, they are old news.

    I heard an AA talk yesterday on the way to the office (this was before the resentment flared up) and the speaker talked about being on her way out, pissed off and about to buy the bottle that would start her down the path all over again when the thought occurred to her that if she drank she’d have less time than her AA “rival” – it was funny, guess you had to hear it. Anyway, if I continue to let these things affect me so it’s possible I could have less time or that I could become the asshole that I used to be.

    God save me from being angry, this is a sick man, how may I be helpful to him…. – gritting my teeth.

  • Ft Lauderedale Trip

    My last trip to the Royal Palms was over two years ago and every day I was there it rained, this time all I had was sunshine warmth and handsome bears… what more could a guy ask for?

    Friday was rather uneventful for me, swam in the pool layed out by the pool and read from my Kindle. I was tired and in bed before 11:00 and I slept in until 8:30 crazy… that is what I love about vacations, doing what I want and usually that equates to nothing. Jim’s mother passed away in the afternoon so I sent out a few notification emails and made a few calls. I received a few calls to for Jim and Ana from friends that were worried about them, it’s nice to know that I’m an emergency contact.

    Saturday I had a Costa Rican for lunch 😉 and that evening I went out to dinner, a meeting and a movie with Michael K to celebrate his AA anniversary. Dinner was at J Alexanders, a nice steak house down there (I think it’s a chain).

    We went to the beginners meeting and it was an interesting format. There were very entertaining moments, one guy who said he was 9 years sober and still restless, irritable and discontented ever day said basically that if you didn’t slip you’re not a real alcoholic, it was precious… poor guy really needs to get a program and some help.

    We went to see Julie and Julia or whatever and it was very cute.

    Sunday was a nice relaxing day, I went for a walk, spent some cash on clothes and headed back to the resort for a quick nap and some afternoon delight.

    I got enough sun and relaxation and made some nice new friends. Then I boarded the plane… lol

    There was a young thin blonde girl right in front of me and she kept getting up and fidgeting (this was even before we left the gate) and I heard the stewardess tell her that if she felt that strongly about it we would go back to the gate… I had a window seat and she had a clastrophic thing going on and she eventually got moved to my row on the aisle. She apparently is very phobic about flying and had forgotten her Xanax that day so was particularly frightened. The cute guy (married, straight, beared bear) next to me and I did our best to distract her and made conversations with her the entire way. She did finally allow me to open my shade when we were landing. She was on the first leg of her journey and I hope she fared better on the second flight.

  • Suzanne's Wedding

    I’m not a fan of beaches, nor of driving anywhere for 2 or three hours, or of screaming babies on airplanes. But for your best friend, you do things you wouldn’t necessarily do for other people. That’s why I could be found on Tuesday September 8th at BWI waiting for a flight to Norfolk, VA.

    Suzanne’s Dad, Chip, planned to pick me up and drive me down to Hatteras (Salvo actually I guess) which saved me from having to rent a car and drive down there myself. I was surprised to find Suzanne’s brother-in-law, Jerry, at BWI and we rode next to one another on the very turbulent plane ride to Norfolk. I hadn’t seen Jerry in probably 10 years or more, but when I lived in Eau Claire he was a regular part of my social network.

    The ride down to Hatteras was drowned out in rain, we were afraid the wedding day might have dampened spirits – yet when we arrived it was sunny with a slight wind.

    The house was a huge thing, like most of the houses that I saw down there. We were greeted by Suzanne’s Mom, Judy, her sister Eileen, niece Paris, friend… who’s name I couldn’t tell you how to spell, and of course Farley the slobbering bulldog.

    It was a relatively slow, relaxing night, we did check out the beach where the ceremony was to be and talked about the upcoming stuff. We did have a lot of fun, silly stories; silly fathers (Jerry) helping their daughters cheat at cards against little old me.

    Wednesday, 9/9/09, Suzanne and I had a nice quiet morning reading AA literature, sipping coffee and talking about the program. The women all left to get their hair done and Jerry and I were left to pick up the house. Later we were sent on a mission to get more flowers, which we did finally find.

    I’ve known Suzanne a very long time, I’ve seen her at special events before, I’ve seen her holding puppies all full of love, but truthfully, I think she looked the most beautiful in her dress on Wednesday, it wasn’t the dress, it wasn’t the hair – she was just glowing with happiness.

    Her man, Paul, showed up with his father around 2 and quickly go into his military dress whites. He was looking pretty sharp. I will let you know that he’s not perfect, he doesn’t like coffee… so he has at least one flaw.

    The ceremony was short and beautiful. The dinner as well.

    I was glad to head home the next morning, but glad that I had the opportunity to spend time with all the folks that I hadn’t seen in a few years as well as Suzanne and Paul.

  • Listen to yourself already

    So, I’ve had the CD of my talk for a month now and just couldn’t bring myself to listen to it. When I was up there talking I know that I shared my story but I could only remember the first part (where I read from the book) and the last part (when I talked about my Pa) every thing else was pretty much a blur. I wasn’t too worried, I had said a few prayers before I started so I knew whatever came out of my mouth should be ok, but I had no clear idea of what it was that I said.

    Yesterday while talking to Michael K about a trip to Ft Lauderdale next month I mentioned that I hadn’t yet listened to it. He suggested that I should and scoffed at the idea of others lying when they said I did a good job… I know that I shouldn’t think spiritual giants of AA would be liars, but sometimes I still do…

    Anyway, tonight I listened and while it was brief, it wasn’t that bad… I don’t think I’ll be joining any circuits, but I’m glad I stood on a message I could recognize and be proud of.

  • The Rest of the Conference (Trip the Midwest Part 2)

    Saturday morning I had breakfast with an old friend Cliff H in the hotel restaurant, we talked about his family, underground country music and AA. It was nice. He and I headed over to hear the Alanon speaker, Joan H from MN. She gave a very good talk and made me laugh quite a bit.

    After the speaker the other AA speakers and I took a tour of Eau Claire with Bruce, we visited places where Clancy I was young and places that he talks about in his own talk. We ended the tour at Ray’s on Water Street for Hot Beef sandwiches which really hit the spot.

    I was free until the buffet dinner at 5:30 and again tried to take a nap, but this time Pat and Brenda called. I saw them to their room in the hotel and then headed down to my room to get ready again.

    The buffet was… well, the coffee was good and the conversation.

    Jim H from Chicago was the speaker and he gave a good talk, after which we lined up to thank him and then headed to the ice cream social which is loved by all.

    Sunday morning arrived to quickly and I packed up my things and loaded them in Pat and Brenda’s car. I had breakfast with the guy from Gopher State Tape Library who taped the event, we had nice conversations and a good breakfast.

    The morning speaker was Kenna from Los Angeles CA and she gave a real good talk that had me laughing a lot at points and thinking alot at other points, after which we lined up to thank her.

    The roundup no officially over there were photos to be taken of the speakers, the hosts and gifts to be given to the speakers which included an Eau Claire t-shirt and a bag of certified dirt from the Eau Claire area.

    Pat, Brenda and I headed to Chippewa Falls, but not before we stopped at Taco John’s for me ;-).

    Sunday was a very relaxed day at Pat and Brenda’s and Pat and I headed to the Northside Group for a step 7 meeting that evening which hit the spot. It was great to be back at my old home group and hear some real recovery at a step meeting.

    Monday was a day filled with pipe dreams of movies and fun and didn’t really become anything. Tuesday was spent with me waiting for Pat to finish work to drive me to Galesville. I arrived in Galesville Tuesday afternoon, shortly before dinner.

  • Trip to the Midwest July 2009 Part 1

    Why am I here again? I’ve been to WI 6 or 7 times in the last year, yet I am there again… Well, I was asked to speak at the Chippewa Valley Roundup this year. This is the 12th Annual Chippewa Valley Roundup, and a little more than 12 years ago I was actually part of the organizing committee for the roundup, that was before a resentment or two kicked in.

    I landed in MSP on Wednesday afternoon and shortly after my arrival I entered the shuttle van that would deliver me to Eau Claire. All the way to Eau Claire there were a multitude of state troopers that were pulling over several RVs, buses and cars – I had never seen that many police on the road from MSP to Eau Claire before.

    Immediately upon arrival in Eau Claire Pat and I headed to Taco Johns for a quick meal. We took that as an opportunity to catch up a bit and I got to hear about their hopes to become parents to a foreign exchange student from Thailand.

    When we arrived in Chippewa Falls we were greeted by Brenda and Maui (the dog) and had a nice little time chatting. It wasn’t long before the night time caught up with us and we were all headed for bed.

    Thursday morning the entire Isenberger family headed off for work and I was free to waste time as I saw fit. I headed over to Arby’s for a very late breakfast (roast beef sandwhich) and then that afternoon I drove Sami (I call her Sam just to annoy her) to Oakwood Mall. I had my earring cleaned and then she and I had lunch (I eat a lot in WI) in the food court. We then headed to Banbury Place (former home of the Uniroyal plant) and picked up Brenda.

    I was the only one interested in going to the Pacific Group that night and I wasn’t sure if my sponsor would make it or not, but lo and behold he arrived with 15 minutes to spare before the meeting. My friend and former sponsee Jon S spoke at the meeting and it was nice to see all the old friends and to be a part of the meeting. I also had a chance to meet Jim H the Saturday night speaker at the roundup. After the meeting Steve and I joined the guys for food at Perkin’s a local tradition here.

    Steve and I headed for Chippewa Falls where Pat was waiting up for us – at this point it was likely close to 11:00 central time and I imagine Steve was tired, but Pat, Steve and I stayed up talking for quite a while.

    Friday morning we took Steve for a small tour of the area which included Taco John’s and the Oakwood Mall area. When we arrived back in Chippewa Steve and I loaded up his car with my bags and he dropped me off at the hotel. I was hoping for a nap.

    However, not too long after I closed my eyes, Bruce E called and said he was on his way up to my room with goodies. True to his word, he and another AA showed up soon enough with a bunch of food items for me, the speaker. It was nice, but a real nap would have been nicer.

    So, having been awoken I headed downstairs to grab my registration badge and other items that the committee had prepared for me. I was told almost immediately that I had just missed seeing my friend Renata who had come down from MSP to see me.

    I went back up to my room, took a nice shower (though the shower did make a whistling sound the whole time – I’m not THAT cute) and shaved my head. I took the time to look at the Big Book and say a few prayers that I thought might be helpful to me that day before heading down to have dinner with my host, the other speakers and some committee members.

    Dinner was… well, the bread pudding was good and the conversation was good, that’s about it.

    There was quite a lot of fellowship before the meeting and I was lucky enough to be able to see most of my friends before I had to speak.

    I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t scared I was fine. I stood up there and listened to them read How It Works, The Traditions, and then had Dr. Larry introduce me. Then I read a small part of the Big Book, the part about us being sensitive and then just started talking. I really have no idea what I said, I recall talking about my Pa, but that’s about it, that’s pretty standard for me when I talk.

    After the talk most of the people lined up and shook my hand or gave me a hug. Many of them said I did a great job, and I hope I did… I guess I should listen to the CD sometime.