Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • 15 Years – Unbelievable

    On May 8th, 2009 I turn 15 years sober! Which doesn’t even seem real.

    When I was new in the program and heard people talk about having double digit sobriety I rarely believed them, how could it be possible to go that long without a drink, they must cheat or something. I was determined to find out how they were drinking and still maintaining a normal life style… and so I stuck around.

    My first run in with a guy that had 15 years was at the Northside Group in Eau Claire. The Northside Group is a step meeting and they were on Step 12 at the time (12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.). The format of the meeting was that every other person got to share, I was in the right (or wrong) seat and when it was my turn I started to spout a bunch of nonsense that had nothing to do with Step 12, recovery or alcoholism. Chuck C. interrupted me and said that I didn’t know what I was talking about and maybe I should just listen to some folks that did. I was offended, shocked, horrified… but he was absolutely right. Attending that meeting for the next year I was fortunate to learn about the steps as they are practiced in the book, and even more fortunate to be introduced to the Traditions, ACTION and service work.

    I consider myself fortunate for being raised in two meetings that were dramatically different from one another. One was focused primarily on the steps and traditions and the other was more focused on fellowship and structure. It provided me with a unique look at the program and gave me the best and worst of all its parts.

    Have I grown into a spiritual giant and circuit speaker? No, far from it. I am still very rigid in my ideas of what AA means and what constitutes a meeting. I often find myself stewing in a meeting about a little thing that isn’t just right, so much to that I miss the message.

    When I was new, desperate and willing to do anything to recover, I would read my Big Book, say my prayers, call other AA’s on the phone and try to actively participate in the fellowship of the program each and every day. Today, I’m lucky if I can remember to say a prayer on a daily basis. They talk about resting on our laurels in the book and I know the dangerous road I’m now walking.

    The question is am I ready to change directions and walk down a more spiritual path? Right now all I can tell you is that I’m more willing to telling someone in a meeting to shut up… I’ll have to work on the rest!

    Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

  • Family Obligations

    Last night my brother Ryan called to let me know he plans to get married next year, in August, he wanted my mailing address to send an invitation.

    To be honest, I was shocked he had my phone number at all.

    My biological mother died in 2004 and that’s the last real contact I’ve had with any members of my “family”. I flew home for the funeral and spent time with my sisters and brother. At the funeral several members of my mothers immediate family had no idea who I even was, and once they found out it wasn’t long until they started to preach their idea of “God” to me. So it was loads of fun for me to be there. Friends and family bring cards to funerals, and in Wisconsin most of them put some cash in the card. After the funeral my siblings decided to split that money three ways – I spent a lot of money on that funeral and that was probably the last straw for me.

    I had been in therapy for an unrelated matter when she died and one of the things we talked about was my “family”. After the funeral I shared with my counselor the events, attitudes, behavior of “family” and how hard it was for me to go “home” and be a part of my “family”. He asked why I thought I had to, so I spouted “we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it” (Alcoholics Anonymous) as my reasoning for seeing them at all. I felt obligated to be there while they passed joints in front of me, drank beer and well… just stayed stuck in the same black hole they’ve been in for a few decades.

    He pointed out to me that love is a two way street and so is communication. He helped me to see that just because she had pushed me out of her vagina was not an automatic debt to love her. I took a look at that and indeed saw that there was no obligation for me to continue to pretend to be a part of something that I’d never felt a part of, not even when I was a kid.

    So, do I feel obligated to go to my “brother’s” wedding next year? No. I figure he just wants money or a gift and I’ve already said I have no intention of visiting WI next year.

  • April 2009 Trip to Wisconsin

    Relief. That’s what I feel that this time i wasn’t going to fly US Airways with their fees, surcharges, surly crew and bad seats. Instead I had booked a flight on Northwest, which has always been a pleasant experience. My flights were on time, my seat was comfortable, it was relaxing! The flight from MSP to EAU on the little plane was a little bumpy, but that was more entertaining than frightening.

    I landed a little early in Eau Claire and had to call Brenda to let her know I was there, she was soon at the airport to scoop me up. She and I drove to Oakwood Mall where we ate Rocky Rococo’s pizza and met up with Pat and then headed back to Chippewa (their home).

    That evening Pat, Brenda and I went to see the new movie Observe and Report, which had a few good one liners but was mostly not worth the money.

    Saturday was mostly uneventful up until we headed out the door for the Pacific Group’s 15th Anniversary Party. Before the party we stopped at Starbucks for coffee, Brenda got hit on by a 20 something kid… made her weekend. At the party is was great to see all the old familiar faces and reminisce about the early days. The food was good, the talk was good, the movie was too long… but it was fun.

    Sunday morning, bright and early, I left for Galesville to see Ma and Rhonda. Ma and I went to breakfast at the Garden of Eatin’ and then we headed down to the shop to meet up with Rhonda and Greg. Rhonda, Greg and I worked hard throwing away broken mowers, snow blowers and other crap that Pa had managed to collect. Around 12 we broke for lunch and then were joined by Michael and a friend of his, more and more stuff was cleared out and sorted. I soon discovered that there was to be a thrift sale April 25 and 26 and two auctions the first of which will be right after my next trip to WI (June 4 – 11). We worked hard and got very dirty. Sunday evening we all met at Ma’s for pizza, Danielle and Cory brought their baby Charles (my first great-nephew) and we all had a relaxing night.

    Monday I was VERY sore, it’s been a long time since I put in a day of manual labor. I had a quick breakfast with Ma and then headed back to Eau Claire. Monday and Tuesday were pretty uneventful at Pat and Brenda’s but it was nice to see and spend time with them.

  • What I heard you say…

    Back in treatment or therapy or somewhere in time that I can’t recall exactly, I remember that I’m supposed to use the phrase:

    “When You , I feel “.

    But usually what happens is that I have a reaction instead.

    When my friend Mark says “Missed you at the meeting on Wednesday.” I don’t usually respond, but inside I feel shame, anger, and less than. I think its a result of when I was in the “cult” in Eau Claire. Everyone else is doing “this thing” and if you’re not then there is something wrong with you, or you don’t want to get better. I realize this is a little weird way to think, but it’s just an automatic response now. So I don’t respond to his little non-question, I just ignore it and try not to form a resentment.

    When my roommate Gary says things at home I have a similar but different reaction. When he asks if a dish (receipt, piece of mail, laundry or whatever) is mine, I hear “Pick up your crap, it’s in my way” and then I get snippy, it’s a horrid way to be and I should know better, means I have to apologize later. Chances are this is childhood stuff from so many different alcoholics around us as a child or maybe it’s something else.

    Who knows.

  • An Idea for the Auto Industry

    I know several of the car companies in America are in trouble, they know it too. We also know that oil is not in never ending supply and we need to find other fuel sources.

    So first the Auto companies that want to change need to make official announcements like:

    “Starting on June 1, 2009 we will begin to produce the final gasoline combustion engine automobiles in all our factories, the final cars will roll out at the end of August. Your last chance to buy a (enter brand name here) is approaching, be one of the last people to own a (Enter Brand name here).

    In September our company will begin it’s two fold plan to produce hydrogen powered vehicles that will be the shape of the future transportation industry.”

    Note the following from Wiki:

    Infrastructure

    The hydrogen infrastructure consists mainly of industrial hydrogen pipeline transport and hydrogen-equipped filling stations like those found on a hydrogen highway. Hydrogen stations which are not situated near a hydrogen pipeline get supply via hydrogen tanks, compressed hydrogen tube trailers, liquid hydrogen tank trucks or dedicated onsite production.

    Hydrogen use would require the alteration of industry and transport on a scale never seen before in history. For example, according to GM, 70% of the U.S. population lives near a hydrogen-generating facility but has just about no access to hydrogen, despite its wide availability for commercial use.[33] The distribution of hydrogen fuel for vehicles in the U.S. would require new hydrogen stations costing, by some estimates, 20 billion dollars.[34] and 4.6 billion in the EU.[35] Other estimates place the cost as high as half trillion U.S. dollars in the United States alone.[36]

    How much is it costing us to bail out the auto industry now? What will it take to be cost effective to these companies?

    I would suggest that the company that took this route would then also invest serious money, time and research into making hydrogen fueling facilities more prevalent on the American landscape. Yes, this is a slow process, but I think its worth the effort.

  • The Florida Roundup – Contempt after investigation?

    I usually do this kind of thing in time line synopsis like paragraphs, and I see no point in changing now so here we go. (This would have been a very long post, I’ve changed it)

    This past summer Chris G. said something about the Florida Roundup that made me realize I had been poking fun at it and dismissing it as less than a worthwhile event without ever having gone myself: Contempt prior to investigation. So I set out to correct that error and was self assured that I would soon be able to boast at what a horrendous waste of time and money the Florida Roundup was.

    There were rules of course, there always are when I go about this kind of thing. I agreed to attend at least one of every scheduled event – friends suggested that I go to at least one workshop, the Sunday brunch and the Play. OK, to be honest I had no intention of going to the play, the same friends that had suggested I go to the play told me you had to see the movie The Devil Wears Prada on the big screen to see the details of the fashion, and, as I’ve said before, I’m not that kind of gay. I even spent an extra day or two, arriving Wednesday and leaving Monday… well that was the plan anyway. I also agreed that I would not start to complain about things, because when I start it’s hard to stop and I wanted to be fair.

    So what did I like about the Roundup? Seeing friends, getting to know new friends, 2 of the main speakers, the one day that I managed to spend lying on the beach with my Kindle reading, meals with folks I didn’t know really well and meals with folks that I had just met, eye candy everywhere.

    What I didn’t like: the hotel, the hotel’s housekeeping, the hotel’s idea of hot water and water pressure in showers, the cost of a cab to/from the airport ($80), the drag shows, the Sunrise meeting (which I was told to attend at least once – it rained, was dark, and cold), the drag shows, the drag shows before almost every meeting… well, you know.

    I was pleased to meet some very special people with long term sobriety that I hope to get to know better over the years if I’m fortunate enough to stay sober and alive – Michael and Terry among others.

    At the big meetings there were some things that really got to me, little shout outs back to readers of conference approved literature (How It Works, the Preamble, the promises). A member of AA standing at a podium reading the literature that contains specific directions on how we get better and instead of honest reflection and mediation there is laughter at the cat calls and what not that they’ve added to our ritual. At one point, some young man yelled out to a woman reading: “show us your tits” which was promptly booed, but that’s where we are headed I think.

    So, would I attend the Roundup again? I don’t know, I’m sure I could be persuaded, but not today.

  • I Watched The Watchmen

    I watched the Watchmen and I must say, it was almost word for word from the book. The casting was great, the actors looked like they jumped from the pages of this epic story.

    My friend Steve asked if I thought it was too long, and I didn’t, I was very careful about how much soda I drank and at 2 Hours and 45 Minutes even the amount I had was dangerous, but I made it through the movie.

    It’s not a special effects kind of movie, not really, there are some, but they movie is a story, that sounds silly… but that’s what it is, not a fast, action packed blockbuster, but a look at the world through the eyes of it’s “saviors” and you might be surprised how they see and react to the world.

    There were minor changes to the story that I didn’t appreciate:

    1. The scene where Rorschach handcuffs the kidnapper/murderer to the stove. In the book he hands him the butcher blade and lights the place on fire, telling him that he’ll never get through the handcuffs in time… that I think would have been a better scene, I didn’t see the character using the blade that way, it was odd for me. Given that they cut out a lot of the therapy sessions he endured I guess they had to show his mental state and how he justifies it in a simpler way, but I was disappointed.

    2. and I can’t remember the other thing… lol, but it annoyed me at the time.

    The thing was, I couldn’t stay upset about it, I’d get drawn back into the story and forget all about their transgression.

    It was a great movie, I don’t think you need to read the story before you go see it on the big screen, but I do think you’ll appreciate it more if you do. I read the story the first time in a drunken daze, and didn’t catch all the little things that were going on in the background (things that aren’t in the movie but are in a DVD released this month I understand). After I got sober and picked it up again, I saw it for what it was, an adult story that looks at the mental state it would be to be a superhero, what kind of people willing put on tights to save the world? A story about the price of peace. A story about truth and not looking at it at all. Well, it’s about so much more than that, but you’ll have to read it or see it to see what I’m talking about.

  • Shadow Government – a reality?

    I should point out right away that I tend to be a conspiracy theorist and this is one of those rants.

    Still there? wow, well thanks… here we go then

    In December (I think) of 2008 the brother to our then President, Jeb Bush, said that it might be a good idea to avoid becoming “the old white-guy party,” and for the republicans to form a shadow government. (Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/01/jeb-bush-gop-setting-up-a_n_147495.html ). Now lots of folks didn’t take this kind of thing seriously, and why would we it’s laughable.

    Or is it?

    On January 30th, 2009, the Grand Ol Party (a.k.a. “the old white-guy party”) elected Michael S. Steele to be the RNC Chairman. This guy’s campaigns have been endorsed by the evil men we already know: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. He says the color of his skin has nothing to do with him being elected, but I disagree. It sets up the Shadow Government perfectly. Not only does it look like the GOP has a change of heart, but it also keeps realists like me wondering what they are really up to, which leave the Shadow Government open to do the things that it thinks needs doing.

    Crazy right? Just wait, it gets better.

    Harry Reid, answered a question about a 10% raise in the congressional budget: “We had a situation — you should direct that question to Senator McConnell,” he said, referring to the Senate Minority Leader, “because we had trouble organizing this year. He wanted to maintain a lot of their staffing even though they had lost huge numbers. And the only way we could get it done is to do what we did. So you should direct that question to Senator McConnell.” Well what do you think they need these extra staff members for? To maintain the offices of Jeb Bush’s Shadow Government of course.

    Now, lots of things are possible. I suppose that the same party that has been “the old white-guy party” for such a long period of time could have possibly changed their tune and thought… Wow, there are other races! Let’s let them have a part in our schemes. That certainly seems likely. That’s why they would put Bobby Jindal out in front of the National audience after Obama, whom we know can speak.

    Seriously, come on, this is all smoke and mirrors. Where are the grumpy white men with money, young wives and guns? This is all so we wont see what the Republicans are really doing. It frightens me.

    OK, I’ll quit ranting for a while, but I think Jeb Bush’s secret government is plotting something, something stupid if he’s anything like his brother, and then we’ll all pay.

  • ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP_RSTUVWXYZ

    On this day, Q, my baby boy, my pretty kitty – has been put to sleep.

    On July 13th, 1999 my friend Krista and I had lunch to celebrate her 10 year sobriety birthday in Rockville somewhere and afterward we stopped at the PetSmart, which is where I first saw Q. Q and his brother, another black cat, were in a cage together at the PetSmart. As soon as I approached, Q stood up and started purring and rubbing his nose and body up against my fingers and the cage… he was so adorable. His brother just sat there, he maybe looked up and found nothing of interest and went back to sleep. Well I really wanted to take the little guy home, but I wasn’t sure Gary would be up for it… so I didn’t. I was prepared at home already, I had purchased litter, a litter box and scoop in anticipation of getting a cat, but I really didn’t think Gary would say yes.

    That evening when I arrived home I told Gary I almost brought home a cat, and he asked why I didn’t… so then I was pretty upset, someone was bound to take that cat, he was so lovable and needy. The next day after work Krista and I returned to the PetSmart, intent on finding the perfect cat for me. We were both very shocked to see Q and his brother still there.

    I filled out all the paperwork, listened to all the advice from the PetSmart experts and loaded Q into the cardboard Garfield and Odie inspired cat carrier and Krista dropped me off at the Metro. He was relatively quiet on the Metro and I was soon exiting the Metro on the escalator up on Q Street NW and that’s where he got his name. His full name Q Ten Appel, Q for the street he came home on, Ten as it was Krista’s 10th Sobriety Birthday and Appel for me… or QT for short.

    That night Q was pretty scared, he wouldn’t come out from under my bed and so I just left him alone. I would get down on the floor and look at him, trying to coax him out but he wasn’t interested, it was safe, dark and warm under there and that was all he needed. I had, when he first arrived, shown him to the litter box and the food, neither of which piqued his interest at the time – but that night I awoke to the sound of him peeing on my bed… poor little guy, I thought, I showed him to the box and tried to talk to him about how important it was to go there and woke up long enough to put my comforter cover in the laundry.

    Q knew his name, and in the summer I would start to call his name while walking up the hill to the house. He would always run to the window and sit in the sill waiting for me to arrive, meowing the whole time. When I’d get tot he door he would run up purring away and giving me a kiss by rubbing his snout up against the side of my glasses, each time he did this I would say: “Good Boy Kisses” and eventually he learned that when I said that I wanted a kiss, which he would then proceed to do.

    At night when I would prepare for bed, Q wanted nothing to do with me, but as soon as I switched off the light after reading a few chapters he would be on the bed and lying next to me, he had to be touching me somehow and then he would start to purr up a storm.

    When the alarm would go off in the morning he would expect me to lie down next to him and give him attention, even me going to the bathroom was frowned upon, as he was the important thing here and I’d better realize it pretty soon.

    He was my baby boy, I loved him very very much.

    I brought him home a sister a year or so after he had been with me, I assumed he was lonely. This was not very well accepted for the first few months, but eventually Q and his sister, Mouse, grew to love one another and grew inseparable – he knew, however, that he was top dog.

    Q was not at home only twice that I can remember, once Gary and I were going to be in Las Vegas for a few days and he stayed with Gary’s parents; and once he stayed at a co-workers (Diana) house. When he was at Gary’s parents he was very happy about having a basement to explore, but when he and Mouse were at Diana’s they didn’t leave from underneath her couch unless she was in her room sleeping. Q was never much of a social cat, he didn’t want anything to do with any humans except Gary and I and if anyone knocked on the door he would bolt out of the room he was in, into the safety of under a bed somewhere.

    In Chesapeake, where Q, Mouse and I lived for under a year, Q was found to be pooping in my bedroom closet, no explanation and I scolded him for it and tried to keep that door closed.

    Back in DC we found piles of poop in secluded places in the house where Q had gone for some reason, but other days for weeks and sometimes months at a time he would go in the box like Mouse. Nothing changed, no difference in litter, food, routines… but occasionally you would see him run out of the box like he was in pain and soon after you’d find a pile of crap somewhere that it shouldn’t be.

    In December of 2007 Gary and I went on a cruise and my friends Mark and Robert stopped in every day to take care of the cats. Robert knew one of them wasn’t using the box, but assumed he or she was just not going. When Gary and I returned from the cruise we discovered 5 different spots where Q had gone to the bathroom on Gary’s bed, that’ll teach him for taking me away for a week.

    It had continued to get worse and one morning I rolled over in my bed and there next to my pillow where Q would normally sleep was a small turd.

    I spent $350 on an Xray, changed litter, changed food… nothing was helping. He was miserable when this was happening, I was pissed and things were getting destroyed… so I had to make a decision, that decision was to put him to sleep. I didn’t make the decision lightly, I thought very carefully about my options and the cost associated with this issue.

    So, this morning Gary and I drove out to 1201 NY Ave and handed Q over to the Humane Society. They said they would put him to sleep and I did not want to be present for that. I kissed him one last time on the forehead, gave him a very big hug and walked out the door. Then I cried.

    Now here I sit at home and I know it will be hard for a while. I imagine Mouse will be very lonely, but I will do my best to keep her occupied and happy.

    Goodbye Q, I’ll always hold you in my heart and I miss you already.

  • Pegasus II and Cygnus

    Back when Ted and I first met we had one basic thing in common: love of comic books. Ted was much more serious about it than I was and he introduced me to several stories and books that I then grew to love and treasure, he also taught me about preserving the comics (bags and boards). I was pretty clueless and most of my comic books were just kind of lying around my room crumpled up or torn in various places.

    But Ted, he had boxes of well preserved special issues, entire story lines of the golden age of X-Men (OK, it wasn’t the golden age of comics… I don’t think, but it was those issues of X-Men that brought the rest of the world into their universe and shone the spotlight on them for quite a while), first editions, and even *gasp* independent publisher comics.

    One of his independent comics, Nexus, gave me the tool I needed to get rid of the military recruiters that were waking me at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday mornings – “Communism is glorious, just glorious.” stated the character. Just saying that phrase to one recruiter fellow (Navy I believe) brought their attempts to bring me into the armed services to an abrupt halt – it was the cold war after all (1988).

    Anyway, the point of this post; is that while Ted and I were in school together, 9 – 12th grades, we had started to write our own comic book: Cygnus and Pegasus II. Now this comic was based on our make believe times out by an old pile of rusted metal somethings next to the railroad tracks near where my grandma lived on Camp Street in Whitehall. Those rusted out pieces of debris were our spaceship, our mountain, our alien planet and we could do anything there… after all both Cygnus and Pegasus II were descendants of the ancient Greek Gods of Mount Olympus and their power was near infinite.

    Of course we did have our share of problems back then, and each one of them somehow ended up in our story: girlfriends, teachers, friends, family… everyone had a part in our story. And we were plagiarists too, we would steal from anybody: Legion of Superheroes, X-Men, Spiderman, it didn’t matter if it was something that we read regularly we would find a way to put parts of it into the story. Some of the first paragraphs that I wrote had characters with the same first names as the founding members of the Legion of Superheroes, but I didn’t know it was wrong, I just was too stoned to be original more than likely.

    But here I was looking through my old papers this evening trying to find one of the stories that involved not just Ted and I, but Rosy and Eric as well. I was going to type it up and cringe at all the spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and just plain stupidity to make sure that it got posted somewhere that would possibly be safe for me to laugh at in a decade or so… but I can’t seem to find it. Perhaps this weekend I’ll have some time to be able to go out and find this piece of horrid literature and post some of it on here for you all to laugh at, just trying to do my part to keep you entertained.