Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • Trip to the Midwest July 2009 Part 1

    Why am I here again? I’ve been to WI 6 or 7 times in the last year, yet I am there again… Well, I was asked to speak at the Chippewa Valley Roundup this year. This is the 12th Annual Chippewa Valley Roundup, and a little more than 12 years ago I was actually part of the organizing committee for the roundup, that was before a resentment or two kicked in.

    I landed in MSP on Wednesday afternoon and shortly after my arrival I entered the shuttle van that would deliver me to Eau Claire. All the way to Eau Claire there were a multitude of state troopers that were pulling over several RVs, buses and cars – I had never seen that many police on the road from MSP to Eau Claire before.

    Immediately upon arrival in Eau Claire Pat and I headed to Taco Johns for a quick meal. We took that as an opportunity to catch up a bit and I got to hear about their hopes to become parents to a foreign exchange student from Thailand.

    When we arrived in Chippewa Falls we were greeted by Brenda and Maui (the dog) and had a nice little time chatting. It wasn’t long before the night time caught up with us and we were all headed for bed.

    Thursday morning the entire Isenberger family headed off for work and I was free to waste time as I saw fit. I headed over to Arby’s for a very late breakfast (roast beef sandwhich) and then that afternoon I drove Sami (I call her Sam just to annoy her) to Oakwood Mall. I had my earring cleaned and then she and I had lunch (I eat a lot in WI) in the food court. We then headed to Banbury Place (former home of the Uniroyal plant) and picked up Brenda.

    I was the only one interested in going to the Pacific Group that night and I wasn’t sure if my sponsor would make it or not, but lo and behold he arrived with 15 minutes to spare before the meeting. My friend and former sponsee Jon S spoke at the meeting and it was nice to see all the old friends and to be a part of the meeting. I also had a chance to meet Jim H the Saturday night speaker at the roundup. After the meeting Steve and I joined the guys for food at Perkin’s a local tradition here.

    Steve and I headed for Chippewa Falls where Pat was waiting up for us – at this point it was likely close to 11:00 central time and I imagine Steve was tired, but Pat, Steve and I stayed up talking for quite a while.

    Friday morning we took Steve for a small tour of the area which included Taco John’s and the Oakwood Mall area. When we arrived back in Chippewa Steve and I loaded up his car with my bags and he dropped me off at the hotel. I was hoping for a nap.

    However, not too long after I closed my eyes, Bruce E called and said he was on his way up to my room with goodies. True to his word, he and another AA showed up soon enough with a bunch of food items for me, the speaker. It was nice, but a real nap would have been nicer.

    So, having been awoken I headed downstairs to grab my registration badge and other items that the committee had prepared for me. I was told almost immediately that I had just missed seeing my friend Renata who had come down from MSP to see me.

    I went back up to my room, took a nice shower (though the shower did make a whistling sound the whole time – I’m not THAT cute) and shaved my head. I took the time to look at the Big Book and say a few prayers that I thought might be helpful to me that day before heading down to have dinner with my host, the other speakers and some committee members.

    Dinner was… well, the bread pudding was good and the conversation was good, that’s about it.

    There was quite a lot of fellowship before the meeting and I was lucky enough to be able to see most of my friends before I had to speak.

    I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t scared I was fine. I stood up there and listened to them read How It Works, The Traditions, and then had Dr. Larry introduce me. Then I read a small part of the Big Book, the part about us being sensitive and then just started talking. I really have no idea what I said, I recall talking about my Pa, but that’s about it, that’s pretty standard for me when I talk.

    After the talk most of the people lined up and shook my hand or gave me a hug. Many of them said I did a great job, and I hope I did… I guess I should listen to the CD sometime.

  • The Exchange

    I’ve been friends with Pat and Brenda for almost 15 years. During that 15 years I have watched their children grow up from 4 year old terrors to adults with responsibilities that they take seriously. It has been a pleasure to watch.

    For the last few years the Pat and Brenda have been looking forward to the day when their children would be away from the house and they would effectively be free. I must admit that I too was looking forward to the day when we would be able to have more freedom to do what we wanted to without worrying about the kids at home.

    So it came as a little bit of a shock when I came to Chippewa Falls this week and found out they were very excited about a foreign exchange student coming to their home in the next few weeks.

    I really shouldn’t be surprised. They have such big hearts and so much to share with someone from another country. They’ve always given to others.

    For the next school year a young lady from Thailand will be living at my friends house and perhaps even coming to Washington DC in October for a brief visit. I hope she comes to love my friends as much as I love them, and I hope they come to learn a lot about other cultures.

  • The C Word

    Sometimes CUNT is the appropriate word. We’ve all met her, she has no respect for other people, she knows she’s better than everyone else, and she makes sure we all know it. There are specific moments when I want to call a woman a CUNT, usually when she does something that interferes with my happiness.

    Now I want to know if it’s ok for a woman to call another woman CUNT? Is it like FAGGOT which apparently is ok if you’re a gay guy calling another gay guy a FAGGOT? Is it like NIGER, which apparently is ok if you’re an African-American calling another African-American a NIGER?

    Could I approach a woman who wasn’t offensive and ask her to please call the offensive woman a CUNT for me? Do you think she’s do it for me or would she get mad cause I wanted to call the other woman that? Women can be such CUNTs about this kind of thing.

    In my creative writing class we were given a story to read which contained FUCK several times. I can’t recall who the writer was at the time, but the use of the word FUCK offended one of the students so much that she came in to class early the next day and wrote several quotes from other famous writers on the board expressing their disdain for cursing. It led, ultimately, to an entire class talking about censorship and forbidden words. The argument of some, and I was probably one of them, was that the more we use these words in ways that are inoffensive (unlike this post) the less power and meaning they have in the real world.

    I would like to think I’m right, but then my memory comes crashing back of walking down 17th Street in gay DC when I first moved to the area. I was minding my own business when car came driving by and the driver pitched his half-full beer can at me and yelled “Fucking Faggot!”. Had the driver had any real courage, he would have slowed down so we could discuss the implications of his being a close minded bigot – but alas, he and his buddies sped away.

    So, yeah, I guess words can sting sometimes, not as much as half-full beer cans, but sting nonetheless.

  • Just one more look… but it's never enough

    It’s when I’m not looking for him that he appears. It never seems to fail. I was walking home from the meeting and I heard his voice, I couldn’t help but look for him – it’s been years since I’ve heard his voice and it’s still like a symphony exploding in me.

    Then I spotted him, his closely shaved head and short go-t lost to the majesty of his sparkling blue eyes.

    His eyes were the first thing I ever noticed about him, the first thing that made my heart skip beats – there were more reasons later, but his eyes always targeted my heart.

    He’s sitting there, casually having dinner with friends or colleagues talking about god knows what, I didn’t bother to try to eavesdrop I just wanted to hear the notes cascading out of his mouth one more time. It wouldn’t matter what he said, just to hear him speak was a joy.

    It’s a sappy, horrid way to write how he makes me feel. There may be no way to properly clarify it.

    He saw me also, his eyes sparkling one more time at me, his smile grew. That’s almost enough to satisfy my thirst for him, almost. Some times I wonder if that craving will ever go away, will it ever cease to have this effect on me?

  • Only The Lonely

    Over the last several months I’ve been fortunate (or unfortunate – depending on how you want to look at it) enough to have heard from several different people how lonely, depressed or just out of sorts they seem to be.

    My advice to each of them has been the same: Maybe you should go to more meetings.

    It’s easy to give the same advice to these people when I met each of them in a 12 step meeting.

    Now it came as a surprise to me when each of these individuals gave me exactly the same answer: I don’t go to meetings anymore. I just don’t feel connected there and don’t think I really need to go anymore.

    Well, I can understand why you feel lonely, depressed and out of sorts. You’ve obviously become well enough that you no longer need other people, a program of recovery or a power greater than yourself.

    I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m not going to enable you, I’m not going to listen to you whine. Get the hell out of your self-imposed seclusion and go to a meeting, you’ll feel better, see people and rejoin the path of recovery that will show you a way of life that is indescribably wonderful.

    “Yeah but…” A friend of mine says that everything after “yeah, but…” is bullshit. I’m all for that, there are no excuses, take the action you need to take to recover for your disease and quit complaining that the world doesn’t treat you right. It’s not attractive.

    If you go to meetings and don’t participate in the fellowship before or after the meetings, that’s half your problem. Whey aren’t you reaching out to other members and calling, emailing or hanging with them?

    “Yeah, but emails aren’t the same…” see above
    “Yeah, but no one really connects with me…” see above
    “Yeah, but my case is different…” see above

    You want to feel a part of, you want to feel like you belong? Take the action. Hold out your hand to shake, raise your hand to share, invite yourself to lunch… Do something.

  • Busy

    It’s been a very busy week. Work is busy anyway, Jim will be traveling quite a lot for a Client and we need to make sure he has everything he may need for those trips. We also have a lot of Clients that need little things, things that only Jim can answer and take just a few minutes, 5 or 6 such requests can really add up to a lot of time that is taken away from preparations.

    Then we had a train crash that closed my Metro station which just a small inconvenience for my commute, Jim picked me up at a different station and we worked a few extra hours each day this week.

    Jim had a court thing, not talking about that here yet… I have been subpoenaed and have to give a deposition for this on Tuesday. I’ve been praying a lot.

    My friend Brian K came to visit from Milwaukee and I spent one evening hanging out with him and had intended to hang with him on Wednesday and go to the meeting but it didn’t happen, we worked late and I had expected to. He and I are planning to meet up on Saturday I believe and that will be fine.

    Gary’s job is winding down and he’ll soon be traveling more again. This was a very long job for him and now he’ll hopefully get a bunch of short jobs which tend to make him happy.

    Mouser had not been to happy with me working so much, but will be happy for a while with Jim traveling for the office a bunch it will allow me to spend more time with her… she’s very needy.

  • WIsconsin Trip – Summer 2009 – part 2 (Coulee Region)

    First a little background information. Coulee “in Wisconsin, they are the product of nearly a half million years of erosion, unmodified by glaciation. The loose rocks at the base of the wall form what are called scree slopes. These are formed when chunks of the canyon wall give way in a rockslide. Left alone, the valleys are often woodland, with the ridgetops transitioning into tallgrass prairie when not turned into pasture or used for row crops.” I always think of coulee’s like big spacious valleys, I’m not sure if that’s accurate, but when I think of “coulees” in WI I think of valleys of lush green forests and rolling hills.

    I awoke relatively early on Sunday morning and after saying my farewells to the Isenberger’s I headed off for Galesville.

    A little more information – My Pa, who died in November loved to go to auctions. He would go to auctions and buy anything that struck his fancy – lawn mowers, snow blowers, tables, street lamps, old books, clothes, motors… relatively ANYTHING. And he managed to fill the old Beaver Builder’s building in Galesville (over 300′ long with 4 floors) with those items he purchased. This is what my Pa did after he retired, much to the occasional frustration and frequent concern for finances that he caused my Ma. It’s hard to put into words what the Shop looks like inside, Pa had no recognizable form of organization we might have a stack of riding mower decks in this corner, at the far side of the building and behind a row of snow blowers. The vast expanse of the building have allowed many bats and stray cats to call it home and therefore there are various forms of feces in different parts. It was rare that Pa would cover items with a tarp or put them in a protected place, most if not all of the items in the shop are covered with a thin layer of black dust that gets transferred to your face, hands and clothes with ease.

    I arrived in Galesville a little after 10, having just missed my Ma who was off to a 50th wedding anniversary party for old friends. I headed off immediately to the Shop to go to work. Rhonda, her husband Greg and my nephew Michael were already there hard and work. Rhonda put me to work sorting lawnmower bags which is frustrating. We assume that Pa must have bought a lot of old Toro bags at an auction as we have more than twice as many Toro bags as we do Toro mowers. Rhonda brought a movie (Paul Blart, Mall Cop) over that evening and we enjoyed that with Rhonda and Greg.

    Monday morning Ma and I went to breakfast at the Garden of Eatin’ a local cafe (Galesville is called the Garden of Eden by some so the restaurant’s name fits) before I headed off to the shop for day two. Rain was falling pretty hard most of the day so we were confined to the inside of the shop which hindered our progress some and gets a person depressed pretty quickly. The local paper stopped by to ask questions and take pictures and we called it a day a little early. Rhonda brought over a movie (Bride Wars) and we were all likely in bed before 10 p.m.

    Tuesday we all met at the Garden of Eatin’ for breakfast, the sun was out and it was threatening to be a nice day. Rhonda and I set our sites on moving lawnmower decks from the inside of the building to the outside – let me tell you those things are heavy and I am very grateful for the two wheelers that were on hand to cart them long distances and up the hill. I was put to the task of sorting out and lining up a pile of rear ends that belong to various tractors and riders.

    I am so very grateful that Rhonda is there in Galesville. She has done an amazing amount of work getting everything ready for the auction. When I go into the building I am still overwhelmed at the enormity of it all and how much has yet to be done. I think there are over 100 push mowers, 100 riders, 100 snow blowers, 100 tillers on the first auction block (in addition to the various 1000s of spare parts, the 1949 1/4 ton truck, the fish finned car and god only knows what else. Rhonda (with little help from others) had put this all together for the first auction this Saturday which has helped Ma immensely.

    Thank God for wonderful sisters! I’ll be heading back to the Coulee region in late July just in time for the 2nd auction.

  • WIsconsin Trip – Summer 2009 – part 1 (Chippewa Valley)

    I awoke in DC early Thursday morning and despite the clear skies that followed the severe thunderstorms that night, my flight was canceled. I didn’t know that until I reached the airport – having failed to check my flight status before heading out the door that morning. Delta/NWA booked me on a relatively similar flight and I arrived in La Crosse, WI only an hour or so later than I had planned. Flying into La Crosse, I knew why they call our land God’s country – the land is covered in life – forests of trees, streaming rivers and serenity… just beautiful.

    Rhonda and Ma came to pick me up at the airport and we went to Rocky Roccoco’s for Lunch. If you didn’t know, Rocky’s is Chicago Style pizza and one of the treats that I look forward to when I go home. It’s a wonderful feeling to come home and have a nice lunch with your Ma and your sister. I dropped Ma and Rhonda off in Galesville and took Ma’s car about 100 miles north to Eau Claire, WI.

    I arrived at Pat and Brenda’s about 1:30 or so and found Brenda, Samantha (the graduating one) and Anna (Sam’s friend) hard at work in preparation for the party Saturday. I was greeted with hugs and dog kisses (from the dog Maui) and tried to help as I was directed to.

    Thursday night a friend (Stephanie) was the speaker at the Eau Claire Pacific Group of Alcoholics Anonymous and I was in attendance. Stephanie did a great job sharing her experience, strength and hope and afterward we all all headed to Perkins for a very late meal, I’d say there were about 20 folks in attendance it was good fellowship.

    Friday during the day Pat and I ran errands for his wife and generally helped to prepare the house for all the guests. That evening was the graduation ceremony. We (Pat, Brenda, Stephanie and Anna) were all in attendance for what seemed to be the longest graduation commencement ceremony – ever… The Assistant Principal spoke, they inducted people from the classes of 1945, 55 and 62 into some special recognition group, students talked, principals talked, songs were sung… and finally (2 hours later) they started to hand out diplomas to the 300+ students… when my niece Sam received hers we pleasantly left the building.

    Saturday morning I had breakfast with my biological sisters daughters (or my nieces) Samantha and Tabatha at Perkins. I hadn’t seen either of these girls (women?) since my mother died about 5 years ago. They have both grown up so much and are so very different from the little girls that I used to spin in circles and make smell my socks in my memory. We had a nice breakfast filled with moments of awkward silences and shy moments. I then drove Tabatha home all the way to Fall Creek before heading back to Chippewa Falls for the party.

    Saturday’s party was preceded by temperatures that were in the low 50s and a rain that fell all day long. The party’s spirit threatened to abandon us before the actual festivities… nevertheless the family and friends arrived in the early afternoon and stayed into the evening. Family and friends tend to do that for people they love.

    These types of events are always a double edged sword for me, I do get to see and spend great quality time with people that mean the world to me, and I get a chance to see folks that I don’t see very often – there are plenty of people that I don’t know that are there also and these events do seem to be an excuse for people to hang around and whine about life… sigh.

    I’ve known Samantha since she was about 4 years old and I’ve been called “Uncle Jamez” almost since day 1… for a little while she and her brother called me “James and the Giant Peach” and I am grateful that that finally lost interest with them. Samantha has grown into a fine young woman and I have been amazed at her accomplishments, triumphs and journeys into adulthood. Right now I know she doesn’t know where she wants the future to lead her, but I hope when she chooses a path that that path leads her to a life as filled with loved ones as I’ve managed to assimilate.

  • Humbling

    I’ve been asked to speak at the Chippewa Valley Roundup this year. This is one of those crazy things that doesn’t seem like it can be real.

    If my memory serves me well, I helped do the groundwork to get this roundup up and running all those years ago. Shortly before it came to be a reality is when I copped my resentment and left the group, but I was there at the beginning and I am fairly certain I attended the roundup.

    So, in preparation for this event I’ve downloaded all the AA Speaker Podcast’s I could and will listen to as many as I can. I’m hoping all this listening will not only be good for my program, but also manage to help me be a better speaker. Fortunately, there have been some really good talks, a few that have made me a little weepy…

    Anyway, this is gonna weigh heavily on my mind over the next month or so and I’ll do my best to deliver the message.

  • Thump… Thump…. Thump

    So at Wednesday nights meeting I got pretty frustrated. I interpreted a lot of folk that shared to say that it was ok to just give living amends to immediate family or co-workers as that’s what they really need.

    ok, it was one of many things that got on my nerves and maybe I was just in the wrong spot (I had considered going home, but changed my mind – *slaps self in head*)

    The step (step 9) says: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

    Now when I was fairly new a speaker pointed out that he very frequently heard people in meetings say “whenever possible” and he wanted me to be sure I read it right… so its kind of stuck with me. But there are many times that I hear people say they are waiting for that person to cross their path or show up again.

    When I was doing my step 8 and 9 with Joe (long, long ago) he made sure I understood it was an action step and it was MY job to find these people and do everything in my power to do just that. That’s how I found Eric here on the East Coast ( you try to find the right Eric Nelson in the US ) and recently Facebook helped me to discover that my old friend Jenni died… which was a sad way to find out, but I did have the opportunity to talk to her brother.

    “Faith without works is dead.” they say…

    So, I was listening to a Clint H talk ( a podcast which is very damn cool) and he started out saying that we shouldn’t (I’m paraphrasing) try to make the words in the book matter that much, the program is so much more than the words in the book…

    I’m sorry that I have to disagree with you Clint H, the words matter as they are written, the steps matter more when done in order and we do better if we actually follow the directions, rules, guidelines that have been set forth for us in the first 164 pages. That’s why it’s there so we know that it’s not “…made indirect amends whenever possible…” and not “…unselfishness that we think is the root of our problem”… We’re not CA, CMA, NA, OA or any other A… we’re the first, the original and our traditions spell it out pretty clearly, we have a singleness of purpose and if we stray from that path we may very well lose what we’ve been so freely given…

    It’s there, its our program that has worked miracles for the last 74 years, that’s all that we’ve been around, 74 and the more I look around and listen in rooms the less and less I hear that is actually grounded in the program as set down by our founders.

    yeah, I’m a little unhappy with my “AA”… I just wish I actually felt like I used to feel – like I wanted to go to a meeting, like I knew it would make me feel a little safer, a little better and hopeful.