Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • Trip to NYC – Jan 2010

    I had decided I wanted to go up to NYC alone and see a show (I don’t travel well with other people) so that was planned for early this year and it ended up being this last weekend. I wasn’t sure what show to see and I wasn’t sure what else I wanted to do up there but was certain that I wanted to stay near Times Square.

    Jim, the boss, got me a hotel room at the Residence Inn Times Square, I had a room on the 34th (top, corner) Floor and have great views. Gary, the roommate, got me a train ticket, I rode business class Acela – but in hindsight would probably rather have taken a regular train and enjoyed my book for longer, trains can be relaxing to me.

    I had been talking to a handsome guy online, who lives up in New York City, named Tom and asked him if he wanted to go to dinner and a show. He agreed and so I had him give me suggestions for a show. We picked Ragtime, but soon learned that they were closing the show so we traded the tickets in for Next To Normal on Saturday night.

    I arrived promptly at 12:50 on Friday afternoon and was met at Penn Station by my friend Erika who escorted me to my hotel and then she and I caught up over lunch at a nice little Italian restaurant of which I can’t seem to recall the name, but it was good. Erika and I really had a nice time catching up and it was great to see her.

    Returning to my hotel I anxiously awaited the arrival of Tom and our plans were to go to the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) on Friday night. Apparently if you stand in line Friday night you can get in for free.

    Tom arrived and was just as cute as his photos. I brought him up to the room so he could see the view and then we departed for the MOMA. Unfortunately the cold temperatures and humongous line were a daunting thought for the both of us so Tom suggested we take the subway to the Ferry and go see the Statue of Liberty, which I had mentioned to him that I had never seen.

    The NYC subway system I’ve been told is easier to understand and navigate then the DC Metro system… really. I do believe all of the people that have told me this have been native New Yorkers. I wasn’t really sure where we were headed or how we got there, but I did recognize several distinct odors on the subway platforms which made me long for the cleanliness of homes mass transit cleanliness.

    Tom is very funny and engaging, he had me laughing and smiling most of the evening with his quick wit, impersonations and charm. I like him. Woof. Grrrr. HUGZZZTTHH. (private joke). I stood out in the cold and watched as the Ferry floated by the Statue of Liberty and took photos that don’t look too bad, Tom stood inside where it was warm – see he’s smart too. Tom suggested a few restaurants for dinner and I chose the Cowgirl Hall of Fame. Tom strongly recommended the Chicken-Fried-Chicken but I opted to play it safe and have a burger – after Tom allowed me to have a bite of his I regretted my decision. Ah well.

    Tom and I returned to my hotel and well the rest of the evening is censored. But you probably get the idea – it was a lot of fun. He didn’t spend the night.

    Saturday morning I awoke early and headed out in the cold, I didn’t have breakfast at the hotel as I just wanted to get out there and see all the things I wanted to see.  I arrived at Midtown Comics 2 minutes after it opened and spent over an hour just in love with the place – if you’re a comic book geek like me it’s an oasis. I had a $60 gift card that I received from Gary which was quickly spent on a Superman statuette and then I spent more on comics and graphic novels. LOVE that store, want to go back. So at this point its a little after 12:00 p.m. and I went back to the hotel room to lie on the bed and read comics – that’s the best part of a vacation doing whatever the hell you want to do.

    After a nap and an interrupting phone call from Tom I got all gussied up for a night out. Tom arrived and we walked around Times Square for a while being touristy and getting annoyed at the tourists (yes it’s possible) who don’t know how to walk on a sidewalk or just suddenly stop or turn with no indication. Funny. We arrived at our restaurant Gallagher’s Steakhouse of which I’d heard great things. I’d eaten at the one in the New York New York hotel in Vegas and ordered pork chops and been frowned at so this time I ordered Fillet Minon and really liked it. Tom first broke a tooth on the hard dinner roll that they gave us and then was disappointed in his sirloin so they replaced it with beef roast… which he says was good. We opted to have dessert somewhere else after the show.

    We arrived at the Booth Theatre for the show with plenty of time and I bought myself a tshirt (it says Superboy) and the CD in anticipation of good music. We checked our coats and were seated in the orchestra section. The show began on time and was great. There were moments during the first act that I couldn’t hear the daughter singing very clearly and she was a little soft, but the second act was all cleared up. The show itself was an interesting look at mental illness and the family dynamic – entertaining, funny, off-beat. I really enjoyed it. Tom said it was like watching something familiar – his story not mine. We returned to my hotel after dessert at Junior’s and it was pretty late at this point, 11:30 or something (yes, I’m old). So we lay awake in bed for an hour or so just chatting, no really.

    Sunday morning we awoke around 6:30 – yes crazy – and lay there for a while before getting up to have breakfast at the buffet on the 3rd floor. Then we went back to my room I packed up and we had a little fun before Tom walked me to the train station and I headed back home.

    I had a great trip, was glad to meet Tom and hope to go back to NYC and spend time with him again.

  • The 2009 WI Holiday

    When I left WI for DC 11 some years ago I made it pretty clear to everyone how much I dislike winter and that I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. When Pa died last November I looked back over the last decade and saw all the time that I could have been there to see him and spend time with him and instead I stayed in DC. So this year I decided it was time to go home to see Ma and the family. I planned early and had a ticket to leave DC on Christmas Eve and come home on the 30th. The best part was that I didn’t tell her I was coming. I did have to tell Rhonda though, to be sure someone would actually be home if I surprised everyone (One year I called home to wish Ma and Pa a Merry Christmas and my nephew Michael let me know they weren’t home but off gambling…. on Christmas!!! gasp!).

    So that’s how I ended up at Washington National Airport on Christmas Eve morning surrounded by a million people trying to get home for the holiday’s. I arrived an hour and a half before my plane was to depart (thanks to a ride from Gary) and it took me that long exactly to check my bag and get through security. I’d never encountered lines like that at the airport before. I had an aisle seat and was across from a woman who claimed to be a reporter and was asking the Flight Attendants a million questions and more often than not I’d have a Flight Attendants behind in my face as they bent to listen to her and answer her query. I can get through that kind of thing, I have the Ipod on shuffle and the Kindle in my lap, I can get through almost anything… then she taps me on the shoulder. I remove one of my ear buds and look at her questionably. “Do you know what time it is?” She asks. I think she wasn’t a reporter but just likes annoying people.

    Landing in MSP the runways were white and the snow was blowing around quite wildly. Friends in Eau Claire said they had ice coming down. With a three hour layover I had plenty of time to contemplate being stuck in the Minneapolis airport overnight. I made alternate plans to take the Chippewa Valley Airport Shuttle an hour after my plane was to take off (just in case) and was about to make a room reservation (just in case) when we boarded our small commuter plane for Eau Claire. A very uneventful short flight.

    I rented a car in Eau Claire and drove the wrong way out of the airport (with all the snow I couldn’t see very well and the roads were all blanketed in white) to my friends Pat and Brenda’s where I was greeted by Pat and Brenda out in the garage smoking and then my (home from the Army in Iraq) nephew Scooter in a bathrobe and not much else… it was frigid cold out. I had intended to go tot he Pacific Group that night for a meetings but the weather kept us all from our intended plans. We did get to drive around aimlessly looking for somewhere to eat dinner – we arrived at McDonald’s 5 minutes before they closed. That evening we opened gifts from our stockings. Christmas Day arrived and we had a nice breakfast cooked by Sami and Helen and then opened gifts. It was entertaining. I received several different superhero shirts, great stuff for me. After gifts were opened I jumped in the rental car and started my drive to Galesville (about 100 miles south).

    The roads on the interstate were not as bad as I’d imagined, there were miles where it was snowing, miles where it was raining and stretches of road that looked like it hadn’t been affected by the weather at all. Just outside of Osseo there were two Semi’s lying on their side on opposite sides of the road but other than that no obvious accidents. I arrived in Galesville in a relatively short time and attempted to get up Rhonda’s driveway but the ice had me sliding back down it pretty quickly so I followed them (Rhonda and Greg) out of town to Ma’s. At Ma’s were Kenny and Sheila and they were all a little surprised to see me.

    The six of us all went to the movies, this has been a Christmas tradition for me for a few years now, to see Avatar in 3D. I liked it, Ma thought it was “meh”, Kenny can’t deal with the 3D effects … but it was nice to be all together. When we got out of the theater the weather had gotten a bit worse and the roads were treacherous, we had planned to go see the holiday lights but instead we ended up at Ma’s eating dinner and watching Observe and Report (a movie to avoid, this was the second time I’d seen it and I did try to warn them).

    The day after Christmas was when all the family managed to get together and exchange gifts. But that day for lunch I did manage to get to Rocky Roccoco’s for a slice of pizza. The Christmas festivities started around 5:00, Ma, Kenny and Sheila, Rhonda and Greg, Uncle Rick, Michael and Michelle, and Cory, Danielle and Charlie were all there… and lets not forget Winnie and Sammy. It was nice and everyone seemed to have a good time. Lots of photos of Charlie (My grand-nephew) were taken by all and he was very entertaining. The nicest part for me was Uncle Rick being there, he sounds so much like Pa it was like he was in the room with us enjoying the holiday. I’m glad I went home and got to hear that (Ma says she can’t hear it but Rhonda and Kenny have said they can).

    Sunday morning I headed back to the Eau Claire area, stopping at Taco John’s to have my favorite lunch, and that evening I went to the Northside meeting and listened to good discussions on step 12. It was refreshing to be there and to hear the traditions and real recovery. Monday I had breakfast at my favorite breakfast place, (Heckel’s) and that evening went to the 5:30 Big Book meeting at Club 12, more good recovery … it’s like a booster shot that will hopefully help keep me sane back here in DC for a while.

    Tuesday morning, bright and… wait, it was dark, I headed off to the airport to return the car and board the plane for MSP. Nothing to speak of happened until I boarded the plane to DC and was seated next to one of the two screaming toddlers on the plane. I put my Ipod on as soon as I could but the little guy was sleeping and thrashing in his sleep, hitting me several time and or dropping his bottle or screaming … it didn’t really help that the heating system in the plane was screwy – in the back of the plane where I was the heat was so bad I was sweating and in the front I understand they kept their jackets on.

    Alas, it’s over, I’m home and the cat couldn’t be happier. My friends in DC were on Facebook complaining about the cold but having just come from WI I can tell them all it’s warm here, warm and nice and you should appreciate it.

  • My Birthday Wish

    This year for my birthday, December 6, 2009, I’m trying to raise cash for the Midnight Mission a non-profit organization in LA that helps the homeless and has a 12 Step approach. If you’re planning to give me a gift this year I would certainly appreciate a small donation to this worthy charity.

    Their mission statement:

    • To offer a bridge to self-sufficiency for homeless people through counseling, education, training and job placement.
    • To make available the necessities of life to homeless people: food, shelter, clothing, personal hygiene needs, and medical care.
    • To offer the 12-step approach to recovery.
    • To serve homeless people with empathy and respect, without sermonizing.
    • To provide for the homeless as an independent social service agency.

    In 1995 and 1996 I had the opportunity to visit the Midnight Mission first hand and see the good work they do. I also know several people who personally got their second chance at the Mission and made the most of it.

    All I want this year for my birthday is second chances for others and you can help me achieve that goal.

    Click here to donate through my birthday wish.

  • Aloha and Mahalo AAC Inc

    So for the company trip this year we headed off to Maui for 8 days of relaxation, fun and sun. Ana had mentioned Hawaii so I worked on Jim for a few months before he agreed, then I had to work on him to get him to agree to bring Vera. He did thank me right before we left – he knows how much work Vera does for us.

    I booked the whole trip Expedia and we did it on the phone with an agent who made several promises that were not kept in the end. Also the day after the trip was booked I received an email that said one leg of our flight was canceled – this happened several times between when we booked and when we left. Calls and emails to Expedia for assistance were all roads to no where.

    Our connections in the lodging industry got us room upgrades (ocean views) and free breakfast. We stayed at the Fairmont Kea Lani which was so lovely and just about perfect. Our rooms were great and we all had an ocean view. I highly recommend this hotel to anyone that might be staying in Maui. I loved the pool and even had a spa treatment.

    On Friday we left BWI for ATL at 9:55 a.m. on Delta (Delta was great the whole trip) and spent almost two hours in ATL, hooking up with Lisa and Rankine there for the next leg. The flight from ATL to LAX was relatively painless, I watched G.I. Joe on the little screen in front of me (horrible movie) for $6. And most of us participated in a trivia game that was also on the monitors.  In LAX we had a short layover before getting on the plan to OGG (Maui). On the leg to OGG we had great flight attendants, I shook my head no at the free peanuts and cookie but the attendant insisted, telling me they had exceeded their trash quota for the month and I had to be responsible. And there was an lady that came to a group of us and had us do art work which was great she was entertaining.

    We landed in Maui at 8:40 p.m. local time which was about 1:40 home time and we were all pretty tired. The directions to the hotel were not really great and it’s REALLY dark on the road to the hotel so it was hard to see the map in the car and figure out street signs. Gary and I headed up the wrong road for a while before I remembered the GPS on my Blackberry and figured out we were heading in the wrong direction. Even though we got a little off track we were still the “First Team to Arrive”.

    I didn’t sleep well the first night, I was awake several different times during the night for no reason and finally at 5 just woke up and started the day. It was nice to have free breakfast and the coffee in the room helped me. Each room had a balcony and I watched the light come into the day from it all but one of the mornings, it was rather spiritual for me. I read my daily meditations out there. [Meanwhile back in DC, Mouse had been scared to death when Mark A stopped by to feed her – it was then that she realized Daddy wasn’t coming home that night – *scratch, scratch, scratch on the pole*]

    Saturday after spending some time at the pool and in the sun Gary and I headed off to Lahaina where he got to see the Sugar Cane Train (he likes trains) come into a station and turn around. We then headed back to the hotel. I got a facial at the Spa. We had dinner at Carl Jr.s… well we don’t have one of those in DC and an early night, I think I was asleep by 9:00 I think. [Meanwhile back in DC: Mouse had been almost all alone for two whole days except for that stranger Mark who she didn’t want to get to know *meow, meow, meow* {translation: woe is me}]

    Sunday morning after breakfast Gary went to church at an open air place near out hotel. When he returned he and I decided to go out to the Road to Hana. I got sick on the Road to Hana, two hours each way of winding, twisty roads, really not my cup of tea my stomach didn’t agree. Jim wanted to invite me to dinner but that was the last thing on my mind. [Meanwhile back in DC: Mouse is hoping her Daddy gets sick and can’t enjoy himself]

    Monday Gary and I had intended to go up to the top of the volcano but I was reluctant to go to any twisty, turny roads and declined the invitation. Gary did go up the mountain and did some exploring on hs own. It was Gary’s birthday so we had dinner at an Italian restaurant. It was nice. I told everyone that it was his birthday, much to his dismay, so at breakfast he got a cake, at the restaurant and even the ladies who came to do the turn down said happy birthday to him. He made like he wasn’t happy about it but I saw the smile. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse came out of hiding to let Mark pet her *purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*]

    Tuesday afternoon 4 of us took off in the early afternoon to go Ziplining it was so fun and everyone had a great time. Piiholo Ranch Zipline, great team, very safe, very good. There were two other sets of people in our group and one couple got stuck out in the middle of one of the ziplines and was stuck out there for about 20 minutes. Glad it wasn’t us. I would love to do it again and again and again. I managed to get a video of me zipping on the last line and soon I’ll figure out how to upload that here.  Tuesday night Gary, Ana and I had dinner together at the Fish restaurant at the hotel and I went out on a limb and ate fish. Not something I would do willingly. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse took advantage of the solitude, finally realizing that her Uncle Gary couldn’t come give her attention and disturb her nap *zzzzzzzzzz*]

    Wednesday I took Gary to the airport as he went off island but technically stayed on Maui, he went to the island of Molokai which is part of Maui. Jim and Ana drove me to Kihei for an AA meeting and then we had dinner at the Pupu Lounge, it was ok. The meeting started and the chair said: this is a speaker meeting. Well apparently Speaker meeting is code for topic/bad day meeting in Maui as that’s what it was. After the lead he picked me to share which I didn’t appreciate – not being familiar with the format of the meeting I felt off kilter but as the topic was “spiritual tools” I talked about how close I felt to my higher power in the morning watching the light join the day. It was mostly downhill from there. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse started to eat more and more to ease the sense of loss – *Mmmmmeeeeeeeoooooowwwww*]

    Thursday was mostly a day of sitting by the pool and swimming in it until the afternoon when Jim and I went to pick up Gary at the airport. That evening was the only “required event” for the travelers, we all met at Outback for dinner. The company, toasts, laughter and fellowship was wonderful, the service not so much. Several orders were messed up. But we still had a great time. Afterward we went to Dairy Queen for dessert (I got to pick and I love me a Banana Split Blizzard. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse wished her Uncle Gary would come and wake her up from her nap]

    Friday morning at 6:00 a.m. we left the hotel to go snorkeling. *Yawn* We followed a GPS device that didn’t recognize a new road so we were almost late. We left on the boat and headed to the first of two snorkeling areas. The water was cold but the wetsuit top helped to make it seem less so. It was rather choppy (to me) out there and this was my first time and wasn’t really enjoyable for me. I chose not to participate in the second spot and didn’t get to see the turtles but I understand they were very cool and they say the water was less choppy. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse wonders if they will ever come home]. The rest of the day I didn’t do much, I ordered room service and watched a movie on the TV (Transformers 2 – not worth it). [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse considers trusting this Mark person more and maybe that Robert person who’s been here too]

    Saturday, our last day in Maui, I decided to spend most of the day by the pool and did exactly that. I ordered a burger for lunch at the pool and just took it easy. We packed and headed home around 6:00. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse came out of hiding for Mark and Robert and was sociable.]

    It was a long, long trip back and I don’t think anyone slept well. We left Maui at 9:00 p.m. and arrived at BWI at 4:15 or so. Mouse was very loud, talkative and happy to see both of us. She wouldn’t stop purring and that night while I attempted to sleep she was, as expected, very needy.

    It was a great vacation. I’m very tan. I highly recommend that if you’ve never been to Hawaii you go at least once, it’s certainly worth it.

  • Makua kane

    Makua kane means Father

    Last year, around this time I heard that my Pa died. I had been scheduled to leave for Cancun on the company retreat the next day and ended up spending a week in Wisconsin instead. Pa probably thought it was funny.

    Since he passed I’ve changed my name to honor him his first name is my middle and I’ve taken his last name as my last. It was the least I could do for the man who gave me so much. Is it a pain in the ass sometimes? yes Was it expensive? yes Was it worth it? most definitely

    I still want to call home to Ma and Pa, I don’t know if it will always be Ma and Pa but it still is today. I try not to slip up when I talk to Ma or Rhonda – I don’t know if it’s painful for them to hear me say “Pa” or think about him. I know I still get a little teary now and then just remembering silly things he did or his stubbornness, curiosity and mannerisms.

    My Pa loved to work with small engines and I always thought he was very careful and “safe” until he stuck his hand in a snowblower and lost part of his finger. It was just the top part of the finger that he lost and he drove himself to the hospital that day, one handed, his other hand tucked neatly under his arm… Now he could make it look like he had his finger buried pretty deeply in his nose with it and he loved to do that..

    I miss you Pa – a lot.

  • Uphill Battles

    I’m sad about Maine. Once again in the land of the free, people have gone to the polls to deny others the same rights that others take for granted. I say for granted because hetero couples get married all the time and then divorced – rinse lather repeat. Divorce rates in Maine are 13th (Source) in the nation. My biological mother was married 8 separate times. But if two guys or two girls want to get married and live together with the same rights and responsibilities of a hetero couple this state says NO.

    Our side raised more money than theirs, I donated several times promoted on Facebook and via email. I’ve talked to people about the issue, I know a lot of our side was up there working in the field, making calls from all over the nation.

    It’s disheartening and it makes me want to quit giving money and quit caring. It makes me want to quit struggling in this battle and just let them win. For only a moment.They want us to give up, they want us to be quiet, they want us to accept less-than-equal and we can’t let them.

    This was only a battle in this war we’ve been on, only one defeat today. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to educate, another chance to win.

    Other groups that have had to fight for their rights faced the same ignorance, hatred and church filled bigotry and managed to overcome. So shall we, one person at a time if we have to, this nation of ours will live up to the promise of freedom and equality that we deserve.

  • The Number One Offender Is Also the Number One Reason I Can't Sleep

    Resentment. Rethink, Re-feel. It’s the three “R”s and they are not a good thing.

    You’d think that after such a long time of knowing how these things affect my mood, sleep, day or night that I would be more wiling to use the tools that I’ve been taught. But NO. Last night I was up most of the night thinking about what “they did” and how I can “get even”. I’m not even mean enough any more to do the things that came into my mind about getting even.

    It is hard to let go I guess. Hard to realize it doesn’t matter what they do or say and if I didn’t let it it couldn’t possibly affect me. I was lying in bed last night praying for God to remove the resentments so I could go to sleep, but I honestly knew that they were half-hearted prayers. I get some weird kick out of holding on to these resentments – the 12 X 12 says we exult in some of our character defects. We get off on it. This is so true for me. Praying that “that bastard gets everything he deserves” is apparently not an effective prayer.

    So it is nice that the email wasn’t sent out yesterday. Perhaps with a few prayers and meditation this morning (and a ton of coffee) we can think clearer and just let this slide off our backs. I have to remember that keeping my side of the street free from anger and the brainstorm is going to keep me sane… well saner.

    I have to remember that what the book says:

    Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. – Page 64

    I don’t want to let this guy and his company get me drunk, they are old news.

    I heard an AA talk yesterday on the way to the office (this was before the resentment flared up) and the speaker talked about being on her way out, pissed off and about to buy the bottle that would start her down the path all over again when the thought occurred to her that if she drank she’d have less time than her AA “rival” – it was funny, guess you had to hear it. Anyway, if I continue to let these things affect me so it’s possible I could have less time or that I could become the asshole that I used to be.

    God save me from being angry, this is a sick man, how may I be helpful to him…. – gritting my teeth.

  • Changes

    So why move all my blogs to WordPress and rename my blog? Well mostly because Gmail would not allow me to assign a new Gmail account to my current blog on Blogger. But there are other reasons to..

    1. I’ve been reading several blogs recently ON WordPress and it looked pretty spiffy.
    2. I like all the extra bells and whistles
    3. I decided on a domain name
    4. if you’re going to change your name and everything else in your life you might as well go all the way

    So here we are a new blog address, a new blog site provider and hopefully a ton more stories and rantings for everyone to read.

  • Coming Out

    For the past few days I’ve donated my status on Facebook for National Coming Out Day to say the following:

    “Jamez Ronald Prudlick is gay. There are 3 days until National Coming Out Day and I pledge to have heartfelt conversations for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality.”

    I think providing resources to people that are interested in coming out of the closet is very important, I didn’t have knowledge of resources when I first came out and they could have made the event much less traumatic. At 27 years old I still had plenty of old ideas about what being gay meant and I was terrified that if I came out I might be more susceptible to AIDS, become a creepy guy that always lived alone and was avoided by the general public, that my wrist would have to be a lot more limp than it currently was and I could look forward to a life where I was considered wrong. (A lot of that comes from growing up in the Midwest in small towns and some of it comes from lots of poor gay role representation on television back in the day).

    I “came out” to my two best friends in 1997. I asked them both out to dinner to “discuss something important” and let them know I was buying – probably a big clue that something was up as I was poor. The days and nights leading up to the dinner were filled with restless sleep, doubts, upset stomach… it was horrible. My mind kept asking the same questions over and over: What were they going to think of me, would this be the end of my friendships and would I be outcast and ostracized by them for being a sexual deviant. Why did they need to know anyway, why does anyone have to know? If I’m careful maybe I could just keep quiet about it and be fine. What if I just haven’t met the right girl (OK, I didn’t really think that last one, but I think the thought is funny.). I hadn’t even come out to people in my 12 step meetings, I didn’t know who I could trust or who would just hate me outright for something I had no control over.

    “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” – FDR

    My friends were understanding, loving, and terribly worried about me as I had stressed the hell out of myself with needless worry. They said they knew, and had probably always known and “can we have dessert now”? The two most important people in my life had accepted me unconditionally and that meant the world to me. Wow!

    That really didn’t make it any easier for me when I decided it was time to tell my family. I had less irrational fear for this event, but still had a bit of worry that I would lose the family that meant so much to me. I did work myself into a little bit of stress, but when the time came Ma and Rhonda were both very patient and understanding. Yep, they had known all along and it didn’t matter to them one bit. My Ma said that when I find him we will both always be welcome in her home – which is just about the most wonderful thing she could have said to me at that moment. My Ma’s one hell of a cool lady.

    So during the time period that I’ve been lending my status to the National Coming Out Day campaign a close minded, Fox News watching, Wisconsinite “friend” from when I was a kid posted “it’s only 6 more days until coming out day is over and all the faggots go back in the closet.” Having had endless arguments with this person and his wife about President Obama’s birth certificate, equal rights, and other trivial matters I decided this person could be un-friended on Facebook and it would probably be for the best. That person and their attitudes towards gay people is even more reason to help support gay people during their coming out moment and to be open to talking about the issue when asked.

    If you’re in a closet somewhere afraid to come out, try to remember what FDR says above. It’s not always a pleasant experience and there are examples of people that don’t understand why I have to come out and of people that have broke off all contact just because of it, that is their right. Hopefully you’ll have understanding loved ones that can support you and show you that it’s going to be ok – that no matter what they’ll always be there for you. I hope and pray that your coming out can be as wonderful a release for you as it was for me.

    There is a lot of love out in the world, a lot of understanding too, don’t let the flares of ugliness deter you from trying to enjoy life to it’s fullest extent – there is hope out there, hope that all people can be equal in our great country and that someday men and women of all ages, that happen to be gay, wont have to live in a fear filled closet.

  • I’m a homophobe?

    I might be a homophobe, is that even possible? Well I guess it is. I was in Ft Lauderdale a week or so ago, hanging out with my friend Michael K and when I commented about something that he said he looked at me and said: “Oh, that’s right you’re a homophobe.” and I thought to myself, well yeah, I guess I am.

    It’s not that I hate gay people or what gay people do, I’m a gay person and happen to like some of the things that gay people do and especially some of their body parts (I’ll try to keep this clean). I’m believe that gay guys should be able to get married, lesbians too. I believe that if I were to serve in my countries military I should be able to do so openly gay.

    Let’s take a look at what homophobia is according to Wiki:

    Homophobia (from Greek homós: one and the same; phóbos: fear, phobia) is defined as an “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals”,[1] or individuals perceived to be homosexual; it is also defined as “unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality”,[2] “fear of or contempt for lesbians and gay men”,[2] as well as “behavior based on such a feeling”.[3]. It is defined by behavior (such as discrimination) as well as motivation (such as fear, antipathy or contempt).[2] Homophobic is the adjective form of this term used to describe the qualities of these characteristics, while homophobe is the noun form given as a title to individuals labeled with homophobic characteristics.

    So lets take a look at my record:

    I auditioned and was accepted into the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington DC in 2007. I love singing and love looking at handsome guys, and I AM GAY… what’s not to love about the gay men’s chorus. Well it turns out they sing songs about being gay, gay life, gay love… even Christmas songs that are gay. I’m not much of a fan of Christmas (is there such a thing as a Christmasphobe?) but the one part of it I do like is the music, and I don’t really want to gay up the lyrics with Judy Garland, Mary and rainbows… I just want to sing Christmas music.

    As my readers know, I’m an alcoholic and regularly (I use the term regularly loosely) attend 12 step meetings. I am a big book thumping, quote spewing, 12 step principle practicing alcoholic – I quit going to group therapy in treatment and don’t really want to return to it. However, I can’t seem to tolerate Gay AA (or Gay CMA that somehow ends up leading meetings) and the different message I hear there. More than a few times I’ve heard the comparison in meetings that “I drank like an alcoholic because I’m gay.” and I’m fairly certain that people drink like alcoholics because they happen to be alcoholics. We also tend to reference gay icons, movies, role models and such… not really what I thought it was about. If I snuck into a women’s AA meeting would they reference their vagina’s a lot in relationship to their disease? God I hope not.

    A few years ago my friend Robert (and Mark) gave me a handful of DVD’s for my birthday, all but one of them was a gay themed movie. I cringe at even the thought of watching these movies. It may have something to do with the casting, the people that are on the cover have characteristics I associate with gay people, a look, a mannerism that really turns me off. Yes, I know how I sound and how ridiculous it is, but there it is. I sold them at a thrift sale last spring, I didn’t watch a single one. On the other hand I did really enjoy a gay themed movie from the Gay Film Festival a few years back, it was called: Cachorro (Bear Cub), a foreign film. I really liked it.

    Gay Games? not really interested. Gay TV Channel? nope, sorry was bored by all the drag. Drag Queens? um, no… thanks, no… Flaming, flamboyant, extroverted… not really interested there either.

    Perhaps its from growing up in the Midwest, in a small town where the types of characteristics I associate with gay people were frowned upon, teased, mocked – if so, why wouldn’t 12 years of living in DC surrounded by homosexuals of every type break this mentality. There are also characteristics that I associate with gay people that could be the direct result of living in Washington DC – I think we whine a lot, I think we are overly sensitive and over concerned with labels, colors and titles. Perhaps I’m just a homophobe.

    So am I a homophobe? Probably, but I don’t think I care as long as I can someday find a husband and settle down. I’ll do my best in the meantime to keep my feelings inside and try to change my level of tolerance and acceptance… but I don’t really want to.