Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamez

  • GMCW

    So, I’ve finally done it: made my decision to audition for the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington. Last week I attended their rehearsal, and my audition will be in the middle of March. It was a little bit nerve racking, just showing up. They offered me sheet music and to sing along.

    It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve attempted to interpret sheet music, I don’t recall what the symbols mean which are rests, how long do the rests last and so forth. But, I think I did pretty good, I did not see anyone wincing in pain near me as I sung. I did not sing during the one latin song, as they had included some pronunciation keys which I did not have before hand.

    Anyway, it’s a lot of pretty guys, some I’ve seen in AA. I’ll let you know if I manage to get in or not.

  • Burning Desires

    In AA there is the “custom” and I’m not sure if it’s just here on the East Coast or all over (I don’t recall hearing such things in the Midwest), called Burning Desires. With a few minutes left of the meeting, the lead asks: Are there any burning desires, does anyone feel like if they don’t share they might drink?

    Inevitably, some one will raise their hand and start to talk. Now it’s rare that this person has a real crisis. There was one time when someone used his burning desire time to talk about his upcoming birthday party.

    Truth be told, I hate burning desires. I find that they usually tend to speak so long the meeting does not get done on time. They are usually very insignificant to whomever might have been sharing and a complete and total waste of my time.

  • Don't Think About Green Beans

    Few weekends ago I traveled to Mohonk Mountain House ( http://www.mohonk.com ) in New Paltz, NY. My best friend Suzanne and I rode up together, she likes to drive she’s …. you know…. American. I do not like to drive, it has never been one of those things that I want to do, which is why I live in Washington, DC and will always live somewhere that personal transportation is optional.

    I should let you know at this point that I was horribly ill, the flu or some nasty cold had taken hold of me. I was full of snot and sneezing, groggy and a bit grumpy. I made do cause I wanted others to have a good time.

    Suzanne and I stopped to eat at one of her favorite restaurants near NYC. All the servers were dressed up in white jump suits, had sideburns and reminded me of Elvis. I hate Elvis. But the food was good (yes, I was stuffed up and couldn’t taste anything, I’m being nice.

    When we arrived at the Mountain House, I was about ready to collapse. This place was huge, beautiful and just stunning. The staff were there immediately to take our bags, check us in and make sure all was good. I found my bosses, smiled and nodded and moved on to dream world.

    Sleep did not come easily, I found myself awake on numerous occasions with limited breathing and fits of coughing or sneezing. So rest I did not get.

    Saturday morning, Suzanne and I went off to the breakfast buffet, I still feel like crap, but I’m putting on a good face…. so I think. Then Suzanne and I both had spa treatments scheduled so we headed off to do that. The spa services menu at Mohonk is quite extensive, several which include them inducing you into a “power nap”. I don’t know about you, but paying someone to put me to sleep is not a pleasurable way to spend money. I chose the back revitalizer, a nice back scrub and massage.

    So a woman arrives in the staging area, and calls my name. I think that this is very nice of them to have staff come escort me to my masseuse. She leads me to a room with a tub, tells me to get in. I don’t recall this as part of the description of my treatment. I look at her a little confused, she asks me what’s wrong. I say, well, first off I asked for a male masseuse, she says: oh, is that a problem. “I guess not” I say and get in the hot tub. The whirlpool tub is actually very nice, hot and scented. She leaves me in there long enough to tenderize all of my organs for harvesting by cannibals. Then she returns to escort me to a room, “disrobe and lie on your back cover up and then i’ll come back in”. She is the professional, but I am wondering how she plans to do my back if I’m lying on it, but I do as she says. When she re-enters the room she says, “good, now we’re going to start with an exfoliation and then I’m going to lead you into a power nap”. Ding! “Now I know this is the wrong treatment!” I say loudly. Turns out it was, they had screwed up my order and the bath was considered a “bonus”, even if I didn’t like it. Once the treatment started that I was actually supposed to be getting, it was very nice.

    The dinner that night was a mandatory part of the trip for work, jackets required for men. I wore a nice mock turtle neck, some tan pants and looked pretty sharp. Suzanne wore a nice outfit that had shades of purple, mostly I liked her shoes. I might mention at this point that Suzanne is beautiful, she really is…. she’s had a boob job, is very skinny, always has men looking at here butt in department stores… mostly, I like her shoes. One of the people from work, came in with his girlfriend, they were a lovely couple; when he removed his jacket, I saw that his V Neck sweater was on backwards, I mentioned it to him and he ran from the room to change it. Everyone had something to drink, I had a cold glass of water that I dropped two Alka-Seltzer Cold and Flu into. That is the last I remember of the evening.

    Sunday morning, I could actually breathe… which was nice. I slept most of the night and was feeling a little better. Not 100% but better. The breakfast buffet was nice again, I had some pancakes and Suzanne had some fruit. The fruit caused Suzanne to be “green beans”, all the way home…. and she said: ‘please don’t write about my “green beans” on your blog’ as she rolled down the window. The ‘green beans’ were all I’ve been able to think of since… So truly this is a story of ‘green beans’, the first few paragraphs here are to mask my true intentions. I’ve become obsessed with her ‘green beans’ and the fact that the ‘green beans’ were not detectable by me… I had a cold!

    It is my understanding everyone had a good time on our excursion, even if they were exposed to ‘green beans’.

  • My Office Toilet has a Remote Control

    So, a few months back a company sent us a sample of their toilet seat, free of charge, to “test out”. They even paid for the electrician to install it. So, first let me explain…

    This thing has a seat warmer, front and back gentle warm water cleansing (you, not the toilet), and pulsating or oscillating choices if you so desire… best of all though; it has a dryer. That’s right a dryer, no more rain-forests dying, we’ll now use air to dry our tush.

    I thought at first, that this would be an odd thing, water shooting up my butt… I mean there are things that should go up there, but water was not one of the things that was desirable to me. Pulsating? Oscillating? what am I going to do in this bathroom that I need these choices readily available to me? Is it that evident that I haven’t been dating? I digress.

    I was very cautious to use this contraption, I’m usually opposed to using facilities outside my own home… yes even opposed to those ones at work, but sometimes you just don’t get a choice.

    So my first time. The soft cushioned seat was a nice touch. I did my business, no reading or anything, but I was curiously reviewing the controls mounted on the wall (it does detach, just in case half of your body really has to be somewhere else you can rinse and dry from afar). I pushed the button for “Rear Cleanse” and heard odd noises down below then suddenly a warm stream hit my back side, in the exact right spot… Maybe they have stolen targeting software from the Pentagon. It was nice, odd, but nice. I did try out some of the other button, oscillating may be my favorite, but I wouldn’t want to date it. It is important to note here that there is a stop button, a colleague of mine made sure to let us know after he “wondered” how long it was going to keep going… well, you have to push stop. Then I pushed Dry, and low and behold a nice blast of air hit “just the right spot” making me all nice and dry after it had been through the car wash.

    This contraption is just another part of daily life at the office now, I think nothing of it… until today… when the company sent us yet another toilet seat, with no explanation this time… perhaps they just think we are full of shit!

  • The Never Ending Apology

    Lets say I’m a comedian, politician or what have you. I’m at a big shindig and tell the following joke.

    “Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said “Hi I am your birthday present.” He responded, “What am I supposed to do with you?” “I am yours for super sex”, she answers. He replies: “Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup.”

    Chances are I got lots of laughs, but how many people have I offended? Lets count.

    1. the Religious Right (come on, they are offended by everything)
    2. Politicians (they have to be offended to appease the Relious Right that might vote for them.
    3. Parents (the parents who feed their children ritalin like it’s candy, but wont take away their game consoles when they are fat)
    4. and possibly… Old men (obviously the old men that are politicians – are there other kinds of politicians?)

    I also might be offended, I’m a man… and lets face it… I’m old in some people’s eyes. I’m also offended cause I’m gay, and having this heterosexual lifestyle thrown in my face is just not right.

    Rule 42. Don’t take yourselves to seriously

    Comedians make jokes, if you can’t take a joke you may want to consider doing away with entertainment in your life; but you should certainly not go see comedians. Rosie O’Donnel is not so much a comedian any more, but she certainly does manage to stick her foot in her mouth alot. Donald Trump is no comedian, but he has money so you laugh and he may pay you.

    If the incessant apologizing continues, I’m going to demand apologies from any black comedian I’ve ever heard tell a white man joke. I’ll also demand reimbursment for every advertising campaign that misled me, jail time for politicians that lied, and mental health appointments for being forced to look at bad Hollywood makeovers.

  • Thankful

    I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

    I successfully completed one year of school, managed to make the honor roll as well.

    I hit 12 years of sobriety in May (had a final exam on my AA birthday too).

    I moved back to DC, found a few jobs a few friends and finally got a permanent job in Takoma Park.

    I have only the best of friends: Pat, Brenda, Suzanne, Mark, Robert, Donna, Chris, Christy, Zelda, Michael, Mike, Julie, Denise, Phyllis, Jeri… well a lot of friends that mean a lot to me.

    I have not picked up a cigarette this year, though I have been tempted quite a bit.

    My cats, Q and Mouse, are healthy, happy and home.

    So, looking back, its been a great year and I have plenty to be thankful for. I hope you can say the same.

    Don’t forget, it’s not a real holiday unless someone cries.

  • The Eggs

    When I was much younger, I used to have my own comic strip; it was a family of eggs.

    The dad, hard boild and with a crack down his side was always complaining about this or that, the mom, was a regular egg, very fragile and in need of care, and the baby was a sunny-side up egg, you know representing the hope for the future, a brighter day tomorrow and all that jazz.

    I just remembered this strip this morning while lying in bed. My grandmother always liked it and then would talk about how some famous comic strip artist was criticized for only having 3 or 4 fingered characters… nope don’t remember who that was. So her compliments of my strip were drowned out by the history lesson she gave me each time. I do think I may have tried to modify the hands each time she talked to me, but I don’t think she ever changed her tune.

    Anyway, I’m sure it was clever and cute and you would have liked it.

  • So

    If you’ve ever worked with me in the past, you know how I get when I get pissed off or malcontented…

    I hush up, quiet down, frown…. nothing gets me out of that but me.

    So, this is not a “healthy” way to do this, and I should find another way to take care of these feelings.

  • Power Games

    I don’t play games at a job, I have no interest in advancing my career. Usually I am very content in whatever job I may have.

    However, if you want my advice Tuesday then you have to expect it on Wednesday when I offer it.
    I also don’t play word games. When I say “me” or “I” it doesn’t mean I’m making threatening gestures, nor does it mean I’ve made universal decisions.

    I cannot be a lackey, that’s not my role ever. My opinion, experience, and expertise are mine… and I share them regularly… that is apparently not what is wanted here.

    Therefore, at the moment, this is not a good fit.

  • Elton John in Concert

    I spent 2 1/2 hours listening to Elton John play oldies and the new stuff in the Hall at Atlantic City. When he first walked onto the stage tears came to my eyes; lets face it this man is a legend in any age bracket.

    The songs he played of yesteryear, were the ones you always expect to hear; From Bennie and the Jets to the Bitch is Back. The Captain and the Kid was the history lesson a look back into his first submissions and travels from days gone by.

    The sound was bad at times, but not as bad as the woman beside me… her swinging arm and alcohol breath were almost too much to take during this brief fest. The song Elton played when she was at her worst was, Someone Saved My Life Tonight and I looked up to heaven to find the light.

    A moment like this I’ll never forget, and I really need to go out and buy Captain Fantastic.