Home » House Of Lies » My Office Toilet has a Remote Control

My Office Toilet has a Remote Control

So, a few months back a company sent us a sample of their toilet seat, free of charge, to “test out”. They even paid for the electrician to install it. So, first let me explain…

This thing has a seat warmer, front and back gentle warm water cleansing (you, not the toilet), and pulsating or oscillating choices if you so desire… best of all though; it has a dryer. That’s right a dryer, no more rain-forests dying, we’ll now use air to dry our tush.

I thought at first, that this would be an odd thing, water shooting up my butt… I mean there are things that should go up there, but water was not one of the things that was desirable to me. Pulsating? Oscillating? what am I going to do in this bathroom that I need these choices readily available to me? Is it that evident that I haven’t been dating? I digress.

I was very cautious to use this contraption, I’m usually opposed to using facilities outside my own home… yes even opposed to those ones at work, but sometimes you just don’t get a choice.

So my first time. The soft cushioned seat was a nice touch. I did my business, no reading or anything, but I was curiously reviewing the controls mounted on the wall (it does detach, just in case half of your body really has to be somewhere else you can rinse and dry from afar). I pushed the button for “Rear Cleanse” and heard odd noises down below then suddenly a warm stream hit my back side, in the exact right spot… Maybe they have stolen targeting software from the Pentagon. It was nice, odd, but nice. I did try out some of the other button, oscillating may be my favorite, but I wouldn’t want to date it. It is important to note here that there is a stop button, a colleague of mine made sure to let us know after he “wondered” how long it was going to keep going… well, you have to push stop. Then I pushed Dry, and low and behold a nice blast of air hit “just the right spot” making me all nice and dry after it had been through the car wash.

This contraption is just another part of daily life at the office now, I think nothing of it… until today… when the company sent us yet another toilet seat, with no explanation this time… perhaps they just think we are full of shit!

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