Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Friends

  • Testy

    Yesterday, it was all I could do to not smack the happy couple walking in the middle of the sidewalk in front of me – holding hands, smiling, bumping into one another. I did manage to just walk by them and not smack them with my bag… but I was tempted. It’s not only that they were a happy smiling couple, they were in the middle of the sidewalk and oblivious to other peoples needs to get around them… ok, maybe it was just that they were a happy couple.

    I had my annual physical yesterday as well, all is normal: high cholesterol, old man, lose weight, eat better, exercise and get some sleep. Truthfully I have a great doctor at Kaiser who is easy to talk to and doesn’t rag on me to much. I was tested for everything and I’m negative… so were the tests.

    Today I go into the CVS, and granted I’m not smiling and wearing my Harley Davidson Biker boots and just generally pissed off and a police officer follows me in and stares at me until I’m done. Go figure.

    I can’t find anything in my iTunes Library that I want to listen to. Sigh.

    This weekend I’m heading to the Virginia Beach area to spend time with Zanne, that should be helpful. I’ll go to the gym with her a few times, Body Step and crap, but it should be ok… I don’t mind step classes. And she said we could go see Tron – she meant Thor – so hopefully Tron isn’t playing anywhere…

  • Still Confused After All These Days

    Last night I dreamed that he wrote a long email to his friends and cc’d me to let them know the reason he decided to call it off was because I didn’t have good earning potential and that he really didn’t like cats after all. Seeing as how I’m not really sure what his reasons were these reasons seems about as sane as any other.

    I’ve been asked over and over again if there were any clues to this coming, what happened, and what happens now. It’s been suggested to me that I help clear up some of that so folks will have a better grasp of everything.

    He arrived on Saturday and I really didn’t have a clue that anything was really wrong until Tuesday. In fact I would say Monday was one of the best days ever and he had expressed having a really great day as well. We had dinner with two friends on Monday night and after those two friends knew we were deep in love – so did I.

    I had printed out a DC marriage license and suggested that he fill it out as he has better hand writing – and I found it odd that it sat there from Saturday until he left. That was the only big thing that should have given me warning that something was up.

    We didn’t argue about anything major, nothing that’ll really knock your socks off… some of it had to do with Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Cleanliness, neatness, vacations, and the definition of a relationship. He seemed to think that I needed to watch all the TV shows that he watched, and do all the things that he wanted to do.Part of his vacation plans each year are one week in NYC and one week in San Francisco, and I suggested that we might need separate vacations – not just because I’m not a fan of San Francisco – as I would only have 2 weeks of vacation a year at a new job (hopefully) and I’d like to enjoy that time. This was apparently the last straw for him.

    It seemed to me like he wanted me to like all the things he liked and do all the things he did. I told him that wasn’t reasonable and that a marriage wasn’t about me just fitting into his mold, but us making new molds together. His argument was that if we were together I should have a good time regardless of what it was – my retort was that if I took him to the dentist I’d still not have a good time. He just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.

    Full disclosure here – he had expressed interest, when we planned this trip here, to go see the monuments. I was very clear that this wasn’t something I had any interest in doing. I’ve toured the monuments every time a friend or family member has come to visit and they really don’t do a thing for me – He’s been to DC several times and had seen them before. I suggested that he do this while I was at work, but he was adamant about it and I finally gave in and went with him. I was NOT over-joyed, but was a good tour guide, I pointed things out he might not have known about (the FDR and it turns out he hadn’t ever been) and talked about the cherry tree’s and we got to see the MLK Monument construction. I only complained during this tour after what had to be the 25th photo of the Washington Monument. As we left the Jefferson Memorial I reminded him that he wanted to see Dorothy’s Shoes – and he said it wasn’t important, so we headed home as we had a play to see that evening.

    At this point I really don’t think anything is wrong, the previous night we had a minor tiff and both apologized to one another and slept like normal people. But he’s apparently been holding on to somethings (including not seeing Dorothy’s Shoes, having to vacation in Maui with me for my birthday…) which he’s about to bring up. So we had the same argument again basically and then walked in virtual silence to the play. I really couldn’t tell you if the play was good, it might have been had he and I been talking to one another.

    On the walk home he finally started to talk to me and said he didn’t know what to say. So I opted to talk and it went something like this:

    “I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I think I have to tell you something.” me

    “I completely agree” him

    “You don’t even know what I was going to say” I say and look at him, I can kind of tell what’s coming but can’t really believe it. “I think you should go to New York yourself this weekend and figure out what you really want.”

    “I don’t want to marry you.” he says

    We’re still in the street on the way to the house and it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face… but I say: “Ok”

    When we get to the house I tell him to sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep on the couch. I text my best friends to let them know what’s happening and try to get some sleep.

    (it’s Thursday) In the morning I heard him finish packing and I offered to print his Amtrak ticket info for Friday, he said “that would be nice” and I did so.

    When I cam down stairs and handed him his Amtrak info he looked at me and said:

    “Please don’t stay in touch, I’m not at all interested.”

    …

    Really, that’s how it happened – I’m really flabbergasted. I’ve cried quite a bit, I’ve had hours of lying in my bed trying to sleep and entirely to many hours thinking and replaying the whole thing. I keep wondering what I really did wrong or what the truth is, as none of this seems plausible at all. Several people have pointed out that it’s better we discover this now instead of waiting until I was fully immersed in TX.

    How am I doing? Well, I’m still pretty screwed up about the whole thing. I’m really tired of all the phone calls and texts from friends, yes I know they do it because they love me and they know it annoys me so I know that brings them joy. 😛

    I’ll get through this and move on to better and brighter things and maybe some day I’ll discover what really happened here… but apparently not today. 

  • Watching Trainwrecks

    The most looked at posts in my blogs history were “No Relationships for the first year...” (176 total views) and a close second was “the Wedding is Off” (145 views) April fools day post. No other posts come close to those counts, everything else is under 80. You’re a bunch of sick bastards! 😛  It reminded me of one of the Matrix movies when the machines said they had tried to give humans a utopia to live in – but it kept failing. That’s cause we need conflict and drama and it probably explains why there is so much crap TV, we like garbage and suffering.

    Here I should post that it’s nice that so many of you care and have called, emailed, texted and Facebooked me your concerns over the past few days. um, thanks

    I’m trying to look on the bright side of things, here’s a list:

    1. I can now buy that new iMac
    2. I can now buy that new iPad 2
    3. I get to keep my job, and let me tell you I have a great job
    4. I get to keep my apartment and roommate (which pleases Mouse too)
    5. I don’t have to visit San Francisco – ever again if I’m lucky
    6. Dancing with the Stars will never be on the TiVo
    7. 100% less Barbra Streisand music played in the house
    8. no more worrying about where I can eat with a vegetarian

    That’ll have to do for now, I’m sure I’ll think of more good that came out of this… later.

  • No Relationships for the First Year… or 16 years

    I will be the first person to point out to you that the “stay out of relationships for the first year” rule in the fellowship is NOT in the book. I’d also be one to argue that it’s none of anyone’s business what you do or don’t do outside of the suggestions in the book. Of course that was before I had any real romantic relationships – and it’s so much easier to balk at rules when you have no real experience. The reason for the rule is based on experience, the people who came before us discovered this the hard way and have tried to save you from experiencing the same pain and regret that they went through.

    Speaking for myself a relationship at year 16 had me very much focused on him and the relationship instead of the usual things (praying, AA, friends, family) and I guess that’s partially ok, but there needs to be some balance in there. Some of my normal routine things; Wednesday night calls to Pat, Suzanne’s AA birthday, praying – just slipped by and though I regretted those instances it helped me to understand the unwritten rule about relationships.

    So when it all started to unravel I guess I wasn’t really prepared and my spiritual footing is not very firm at the moment. Today, after some tears and old tapes playing in my head I actually had a desire to drink. I would like nothing more than to drown the feelings that have taken up residence. That’s honesty for you.

    I did go inside myself and turn that switch off. No tears now, no obsessing, no regretting. We’ve made our choice and one of us is probably happier that way and both of us are probably better off. Very unhealthy way to deal with your feelings, and I really don’t recommend it, but I know that I can survive without that switch on.

    I could take this time to get into what happened in detail and go over ever word six different ways, but I’m a little to close to it to be objectionable about it and he’s never been happy that I would talk about him on my blog.

    I’ve been in touch with my support network, a lot of people are worried about me, I’m not really interested in talking right now (or texting, or emailing or anything like that). But I have the tools available to get through this and I will.

    A lot of people have already purchased airline tickets and reserved rooms. The rooms can be cancelled, usually without cost and the airline tickets will likely be good for one year after the cancellation date – depending on how bad the airlines are screwing people over this week.

    My apologies to those of you that were looking forward to the wedding and were happy that I was not my malcontent self. What’s that saying? Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all… yep, it was certainly worth it.

  • Invitation to the Royal Wedding

    By now some of you have received your beautifully designed invitation to the Royal Wedding. Some of you have responded via the self addressed stamped envelope and that is very appreciated. You have no idea how much coordination goes into planning this kind of a shin dig and RSVPing with the provided materials is so very helpful. Sure phone calls, emails and telling the couple in person is a nice touch, but they went to the trouble of putting a stamp on the envelope, not only to help fund the Post Office, but to make each attendee counted on all the official forms. At the very least you should send it via mail and be counted like most of the other common folk. Bill and I are working diligently on the wedding details and head counts are very important in this phase of the planning…

    What’s that? There is another Royal Wedding? I hadn’t heard – I’ve been so wrapped up in contacting you to get you to actually mail the RSVP that I haven’t had time to notice other Queens getting hitched.

    What’s that? oh, those Royals… well sorry for any confusion.

    Sure our attendees wont be heads of state or celebrity soccer stars, but it will be during Gay Pride week in San Francisco and really doesn’t that sound a whole lot more fun than a bunch of photo hogs … well I guess SF Pride has those too… My point being everyone who’s anyone will be in San Francisco for my special day. At least I hope so, it’d be nice if they actually RSVP’d. Why is this such a big deal for you folks? The card  saying yes or no is there, the envelope (which is stamped and addressed) is included – how hard can it be to seal this thing and drop it in the mail? The Post Office needs work folks, help them out here.

    Some people, who shall remain nameless, begged and pleaded for an invitation to the wedding and then promptly declined. Like I knew you would Julie Zielger!  Oh… sorry about that, I forgot. She still managed to drop the card in the mail and if SHE can do it, really anyone can do it.

    If you haven’t received and invitation at this point chances are you probably aren’t going to get one. I’m sorry but there is only so much room and only so much food I’m willing to purchase. I’d be grateful since you don’t have to fly all the way to San Francisco.

    One of the most often asked questions is “Can you legally get married in California now?” and well, the answer is no. There was a time in California when same-sex couples could marry, but people who think the Church should be able to decide what’s legal have put a stop to freedom of love – temporarily. Bill and I will have to fly to Washington, DC after the ceremony in San Francisco to be legally wed in our nation’s capital… that is unless that is the next thing on the Tea Party’s chopping block. Well, I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to pull it off without a hitch… so to speak.

    For those of you that weren’t invited, once again so sorry to hear that you wont get to come, I’m hoping to get a webcast of the actual ceremony and I’ll be posting that information when it’s available… see, you don’t have to dress up, don’t have to fly all the way across the country and you can watch from the comfort of your own home.. unless something entertaining is on.

  • Squeamish

    Many years ago my mother was in the ICU after having surgery and us kids got to go in and visit her. Almost immediately upon seeing her with all those tubes in her and looking rather ragged I felt faint. I wanted to grab on to something to hold on and then there were nurses all around me asking if I was ok, I had no idea if I was ok or not I just really needed to get out of there.

    In 1995 after I sobered up, my best friend Suzanne went off and got a brain tumor. I’m almost certain that exercise is the cause. So being a good friend I was there when she checked into the hospital with her husband, parents and another friend. As the doctor described the procedure in detail (“we will be entering your brain by placing an instrument under your lip and it has a little clasp…” or some disgusting thing) to Suzanne and family I had to excuse myself and soon was in the bathroom where I fell over. Suzanne was worried about me – they weren’t doing anything to my brain, I’m just squeamish.

    Then in 2004 while working at Children’s Hospital in DC (yes, I know – a hospital what was I thinking. But I’m a computer guy, not a person that had to deal with the icky stuff) a patient that loved me (who doesn’t?) was in the hospital having surgery and I had to be there for the little guy. That was hard, I not only was there for pre-surgery but then visited him in his room for several days after.

    So, you’d think with all this experience that it would get better or that eventually this silliness would just go away entirely, but last night I picked up my cat from the vet. She had a mass removed from her right shoulder and is all stitched up now. Sure enough every time I see it I’d like to pass out. She’s a trooper, not really happy to be wearing a cone on her head but not crying, I’m the weak one.

    I’m not entirely sure where these things come from, maybe I’m just designed to be this way. When I was very young I did have surgery on my eye. I don’t recall many things about that but my Mother had said that I was very good until they tried to take me home and I threw up. All I remember from that time is when the medical folks were talking to me about the anesthesia and the mask they were going to put on my face, but I don’t remember wanting to faint the whole time I was there.

    Anyway, I hope Mouse gets better quickly and I really hope none of my close friends or family end up in the hospital… it’s hard for me to visit.

  • Christmas Disease of Perception

    I asked my boss what he wanted for Christmas to which he replied: a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. That’s easy enough.

    Not being a frequenter of liquor stores anymore, I kindly asked my roommate to go into a liquor store and purchase a big bottle of Jack Daniel’s in a gift box. He kindly agreed knowing that I would rather avoid such places unless absolutely necessary (the roommates a normy).

    He came out of the liquor store the other night with a 750 ml bottle… that’s it…

    I told him thank you, of course, but inside my head I was wondering if he really thought this was a big bottle of Jack. Back when I was drinking I wouldn’t have even glanced at a bottle that size for myself let alone someone else. There had to be a gallon size bottle in there somewhere didn’t there. The roommate is oblivious to my dilemma, why would anyone need more than that is what he’s thinking.

    I gave the gift to the boss today and he was appreciative and said it was a very nice bottle, so I looked at him sideways too.  It reminds me of an old friend that used to get very drunk off of just two glasses of alcohol, I suggested he see a doctor… he’s missing out. These are the people who I don’t understand – something is wrong with them.

    However, as the boss and I left the office for his vehicle and I kindly offered to help him with his things, I was fortunate enough to be able to carry the lovely bottle of Jack, and I had a moment where I could recall the taste, the feeling of it burning on its way to my stomach and the long past memories of BOOM… just like that I can remember the wonderful feeling and taste and sensations.

    It takes a few more moments before I can vividly recall the bad things that went along with that bottle and how much I’d lose if I chose that path again. For today, it’s not worth it, for today I’m happy with what I have and where life is going, for today I’m going to keep trudging and not worry about how little whiskey someone else will get to drink. And I can be grateful too that the people around me aren’t like I was and don’t need the gallon bottles of anything to satisfy their undying thirst.

  • Old Age

    This year I became old. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking 40 isn’t old… I’d agree with you normally, but this year all kinds of things happened that made me realize that yes, I’m old.

    This is the year that other people told their children or grandchildren that my name was “Mr. Prudlick” which has never happened before. Before it’s always been Jamez, or Uncle Jamez or Jamez and the giant peach, but never Mr Prudlick.

    This was the year when I realized that going barefoot over stones in a creek bed hurts. When I was a kid I couldn’t wait for summer so I could take off my shoes and run around all over the place in just my bare feet. I’d love the sound of them as they slapped the pavement or the feel of the grass as it tickled my soles. This year, pain, and irritation, I miss the old feelings.

    This is the year that I’ve actually gone to bed before 10 on weekends more times than I’d like to admit and when I’ve gotten up before 7 on a Saturday or Sunday because I didn’t want to watch the day slip by without my getting things done.

    This is the year that I came to realize how much other people mean to me. There have always been special people in my life but rarely has it mattered to me if they would be around for me when I needed them or if I would be there for them. This is the year I fell in love and also the year that I almost lost a friend and did lose another.

    I turned 40 yesterday and the world didn’t stop spinning and my hair didn’t all fall out nor did I start to use a walker (although my foot does still kind of hurt from walking in the creek bed). I do think it might be about the best birthday that I can remember. Lots of folks who saw my 40 Tshirt and 40 year old buttons made sure that I knew it was just the beginning and all the fun was just around the corner… lots of younger folks wanted to know if I got any discounts or specials for being 40… well no, but maybe you get a finer appreciation of the things around you then you had before.

  • Thanks

    I couldn’t have said at the beginning of this year that I would have anything to be thankful for outside of what I have every other year, but I hadn’t anticipated meeting Bill this year either.

    So below, in no particular order, are the things that I’m especially thankful for this year:

    • Bill (my special guy that I’d given up finding at all)
    • Suzanne and Pat (a guy couldn’t ask for better best friends)
    • Gary my roommate for the last 12 or so years
    • Jim, Ana and the DiLuigi clan – not just for my job but for all the wonderful things that they bring to the world each day.
    • Mouse my cat (she actually loves Bill too, she’s so smart)
    • Alcoholics Anonymous – really not one thing on this list would be possible without AA.
    • World of Warcraft ($15 a month for hours and hours of entertainment and virtual friends)
    • Annie’s Grilled Chicken Salad – love that
    • Family – both real and adopted
    • Comic Books
    • iPad
    • Kindle
    • Music
    • and TiVo

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you have as many if not more things to be thankful for this year. Thanks for being a part of my everyday and showing me the better side of humans.

  • Helpless

    Last week I received news that one of my best friends had tried to take their own life – thankfully they weren’t successful. Afterward, it was discovered that the suicidal thoughts had been growing more insistent in the last few weeks; they had been struggling with some issues for years; and they had kept it all to themselves.

    My first reaction to the news was one of fear and anger mixed with a lot of confusion – how did it get to this point? Then I would wonder how I had failed at the position of “best friend” if I couldn’t see how much they were hurting and how desperate they were for help. Then again wanting to punch them in the face for trying such a cowardly act as this or tears coming in sheets down my face for the thought of this world without them.

    It’s hard to sit half a country away and know all this is happening to someone you love, it’s harder still to know even the family and friends that are there with them are as helpless as I am, as befuddled, fearful and angry. I worry about the family, they are my family and I just don’t know how they’re going to get through this… then I remember God.

    I remember that I wouldn’t even have these people in my life if it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t even have my best friend still alive if not for His grace, his love, his support.

    Knowing and letting go are two very different things… and I’m still struggling a bit with the letting go. Still wondering how we got to this point and what we can do to get out of it.

    It wasn’t that long ago that I found myself wanting to jump off a balcony ( See Here) and end it all, and things were going pretty well for me at the time. I guess I don’t understand how depression works, how suicidal thoughts can get so prominent in our heads that we can’t see any other way out of situations.

    If you find yourself in a situation where you think suicide is the only option, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

    1-800-273-8255

    There is always hope, always another way, always someone who loves you in the darkest of situations that can offer you a helping hand, a hug, a heartbeat.