Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Family

  • Bunchism by Proxy

    It was the same every night, she’s sit there; bare legs tucked under her, a romance novel in one hand and the other holding some chocolate or perhaps a fork with a piece of steak on the end. Usually, if us kids had been lucky we had Mac and Cheese for dinner… if not just the mac. There always seemed to be money for a new romance novel, chocolate and steak for Mom, but mac and cheese was a luxury.

    The four of us were, in retrospect, starved for attention. We’d come up with little shows or dance acts to put on for Mom and whichever Dad happened to be there at the time. There are the four of us, doing a performance of Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys, bouncing up and down and mouthing the lyrics. I wonder now who was the choreographer and who was the brains behind such schemes. Mom would watch us and smile always enjoying the show, unless or course something else was on that she needed to watch that meant we had to be quiet.

    Maybe the truth behind it all is we had Brady Bunchism, the need to be dorky in a group.

  • Ghosts

    I’m staying at my old place in DC over the weekend.
    I walk into the kitchen and my cats do not appear at my feet hustling for treats
    They do not race up and down the stairs or peek through the railing, as if to smile from a afar
    The old blue couch is gone, moved to Chesapeake with me, so I can’t lie back and nap
    Maybe tomorrow when Gary is here it wont seem so empty and silent
    Maybe I wont miss my cats so much then

  • My Pa

    I don’t know how old he is, but today is my Pa’s birthday.
    The only real father I’ve ever had
    always there for me
    showed me things I didn’t know
    got me to mow lawns
    made me laugh
    taught me the value of naps, procrastination and eating

    I guess it’s appropriate that my poem “Foster Home” was read today in class, and given an asterisk saying I should have it published.

    Happy Birthday Pa, I love and miss you.

  • foster home

    brown house now blue
    gray hair then and now too
    Ma in rocker knitting
    Pa in recliner

    fear crawls up my spine
    my bags packed, all that is mine
    social worker pressures shoulder
    keeps me from running

    dinner together, conversation and laughter
    alien world, foreign notions – food a plenty
    tears delay that first night,
    though hard fought, buried deep

    rules, responsibility, chores
    wake up myself for school
    wash dishes, mow lawns
    allowance? what’s that?

    foster brother and i
    share smokes and stories
    on the front patio
    now enclosed, then exposed

    three years teach me, show me love me
    five years gone, back i come to make right
    show them i’ve found the light
    love unconditional, no exceptions

    dc bound, to find my way
    just call anytime
    no questions asked
    you can always come home

    breast cancer scare,
    tears unhindered
    stream down my cheeks
    fear strikes deep and hard

    twenty years later, college bound
    ma and pa, rhonda and greg
    come to see the sites,
    nope!
    to see me off, wish me well, show me love

    the family i didn’t choose
    forced upon me by action of youth
    became the one that mattered most
    showed me the truth of love itself

  • Gravity pulls on my eyes

    The dog sitting is over, but the dogs did manage to wake me almost every day at 3:00 ish in the morning… as a result, my sleep pattern is a little wacky and i’m tired.

    This morning snow is falling, the grasses and cars are covered with a light coat of snow and the roads are wet.

    Nothing else new… but thought I’d better post something…

    tired

  • Why I Hate Destiny

    You do things for friends, things you wouldn’t normally do, like go to that wedding just so she has a date or eat at that restaurant that only serves fish when your allergic to seafood or watching her dogs while she’s on a cruise.

    I’m not a dog hater, I like most animals and find they like me as well. Hell, I have two cats at home (Q and Mouse) who adore me. I love Suzanne’s dogs, Cotton and Simba and I loved Rocky… Its Destiny I hate.

    Destiny, the Shih Tzu with the mother of all oral fixations, she’s been licking everything in her path for the last 12 years. She’s a black and white hairball totally dedicated to her mother. She knows she’s the queen bee, she is the favored, the one that goes with mommy on trips the one that is always on her lap.

    Why do I hate her? Simple, at 3:02 a.m. she had a conversation with her siblings, placed a bet I’d wager…

    “Want to get a treat out of Uncle Jamez?” she asked

    Cotton and Simba both look doubtful that she can accomplish this task, but the confidence in her eyes persuade them to believe her.

    “You two just play along, and we’ll have a week of extra treats and luxury, Uncle Jamez is easy.”

    At 3:08 a.m. she sets her plan in motion, runs up to Uncle Jamez’s face and starts licking away, he pushes her away and says stop… not to be discouraged, she barks, not once or twice but 37 times right into his ear… the other two dogs, move around, Cotton paws at him and whimpers just a little… Simba, just standing up makes noise to wake war zone.

    Sure enough, Jamez wakes up, assuming it must be 5:00 or 6:00 to let the dogs out for their morning business… but on his way he sees the clock… 3:10 a.m. Lets the dogs out anyway, lets them back in and sure enough gives them a treat….

    This scene repeats at 5:00.

    I HATE DESTINY

  • Psych Ward Baby

    My mother was born in the psychiatric ward of a Navy Hospital, hard telling what my grandma was doing there, but there is some speculation. Some say Grandma was raped, and the trauma was such in 1950, the only thing they knew to do was lock her up, others say, that her affair with the officer went sour and she truly lost it. Regardless, with a start like that she was bound to have the life she did and me in turn the life I led.

    You would have thought that being born in a psycho ward would have been the defining moment in my mothers life, but there were others that ranked up there. The time she was almost raped in the cornfield, when she and her friend Tommy had been hitchhiking. I can still picture the scene in my head…

    The car had pulled into a cornfield, and both Mom and Tommy were scared, Tommy in the back seat and my mother in the front. The man reached into the glove compartment and as he did Tommy slammed his legs against the bucket seat shoving the man into the steering wheel. The horn sounded, but all my mother could hear was the sound of Tommy’s strangled cry “Run Cheryl, run.” And she did, and she never looked back.

    Mom told us that story numerous times, in the hopes that it would have us be more cautious or something when we were kids. Me, I thought for sure the man wanted Tommy and not my mom… he sounded adorable. Mom told us Tommy was her boyfriend, and had sandy blonde hair and a slim muscular body… I felt certain, looking at my obese mother, the man had to have wanted to boy.

    Mom was the only child in Grandmother’s marriage that was not of her husband, and it was always thrown back in her face. She was the outsider, the one with the different color hair, the different body type and never treated as the others. Of course living in a violent, alcoholic home didn’t help. I’m sure my mothers life was shaped in those earlier years, and they affected her always.

    First on a sawmill, and then on a ranch, life in rural Wisconsin was good for the family. There was money for schools and money for cars. Model T’s and A’s were stored like precious gems in grandfathers sheds even when I was an adult, truly they were a wonder to behold these ancient relics. They were so big, when you sat in them it was as if you could run over the whole world.

    Grandfather was a mean drunk, a mean man in general, he not only beat on his wife and kids, he was also known to have beat on his horses and cows. Grandmother came up with a plan to protect the children, when he was in a particular foul mood she would say: Red light and they would run into the field until they thought he would pass out or take his fists to someone else, usually my grandmother. My mothers brother was the one he almost killed, grandmother saw it in his eyes the day Grandpa picked up the shovel and said “I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch, and then bury him.” Grandma urged her son to run as far and as fast as he could.. and it was years before he came back.

  • Obstacles in time

    Today, January 9th, 2006 would have been my mothers 56th birthday. But, she’s dead, so it’s not. Today is the first day of classes for the second semester, you may remember that the last day of classes for last semester was my birthday, December 6th. Mom manages to screw things up even when she’s dead.

    Yesterday the school calls to tell me my first class of the day, Speech, is cancelled due to not enough students. They didn’t know this until yesterday? A Sunday? At 4:00 p.m.? Now what? Well, I have to find a replacement class, as I have to have a certain amount of credits each semester.

    The cats know somethings up, they are all skittish this morning… why did that alarm go off again Daddy? They’ll be happy when I open the windows, it’s gonna be 65 today… must suck to live in Wisconsin.

  • Briefly a Baptist

    Early in the 1980s, while we lived in Florida, Mom got a religious streak or maybe she just felt bad that we hadn’t had any real religious upbringing. Of course, its also possible that the Sunday School classes seemed too much like free babysitting for her to pass up.

    It was actually nice, The Baptist Church’s Sunday School actually taught some stuff that was entertaining to my then early teenaged mind. After classes we would then get escorted into the church with the rest of the people. The minister would talk, the people would “Amen”, stand, sit, kneel and pray making me feel out of place and without a script.

    One particular day, perhaps even during the holidays, a man dressed in a red devil costume (complete with pointy tail)ran down the center of the aisle with a “ghetto blaster” on his shoulder that was blasting something popular at the time. The message was pretty clear, “rock and roll is satan’s music”. We laughed almost all the way home, it was so silly.

    Things in Sunday School that actually frightened me, were the questions they asked every week: “Who would like to be saved today? Who would like to give their heart over to our savior Jesus Christ?” A child or two would raise their hand and be escorted out the back door, reentering moments later in tears if not wailing out loud. I didn’t know what this “being saved” thing was, but I certainly wasn’t interested in crying or being hurt.

    But the day I stopped believing in God stand clearly in my mind. The teacher was explaining about how our should go to heaven. A young boy asked a question that had been on my mind for quite a while: “Do dogs and cats go to heaven?” The instructor said, “no, animals don’t have a soul. They are just mindless beasts.”

    That statement crushed my hope in a lord greater than myself. I thought Frannie, my dog at home, and how they thought she didn’t have a soul. But, I had seen her life, her love and her soul in her eyes and knew there was more there than some mindless animal. That’s how I knew they were wrong, and if they were wrong about this one thing they were wrong about a lot of things.

    So there isn’t a god after all, or if there is I want nothing to do with him…

  • The Spirit of Christmas II

    Have they all been bad? No. Has it changed since you have gotten sober? a little

    My second year of sobriety, and Christmas was fast approaching, I actually had a job and money which were both rare at the time. I actually wanted to buy gifts for my two best friends, but it was very hard. They both had really good jobs and I could not afford to buy them anything that would compare to what they would buy me. I found myself in tears (making it a true holiday) in a department stores jewelry department, just trying to figure out what to do. They each got a pendant with three leaves, a leaf to represent each one of us… kinda lame think? Then on my 3 year AA birthday they gave me a gold watch with 2 leaves and a diamond on the face and said: we are the leaves, you are the true gem!

    So, no not all bad.

    Or, my second year in DC, finally a really good job, lots of money and time to buy gifts for my family in Wisconsin without actually having to go there. My siblings are unemployed, my mother unemployed standard fare for the family. Having a job and money, I told the siblings that I would pay for Mom’s gift from all of us. I bought her a nice heart shaped diamond pendant and a ring to match and shipped them to WI. The siblings teased her and teased her for 3 weeks straight about what the gift would be; toilet paper, dirty socks or any number of silly items. Come the day of X-mas eve they had her do the dishes before she could open her gift, in all of my life the one thing I cannot remember seeing is my mother doing dishes. They kept the torture up and waited for the VERY LAST GIFT, and taking so very many pictures before she could open it up… tears and tears and tears some more (making it a true holiday). Mom loved it, and the ring fit right there on the spot. Course, then the siblings got mad cause I was showing off, and claimed the gift was just from me.

    Happy Phqn Holiday!