Here we go again, I think as we stand and grab hands. We sure do pray a lot here, but at least everyone doesn’t hug me here like they did at the NA meeting I attended.
“Who keeps us sober?” comes a voice from across the hall and then the chanting begins:
“Our Father who are in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever. Amen”
I try to let go of the hands but this group does another ritual – “Keep coming back, it works if you work and you’re worth it” they say while pumping our hands in unison together. The man next to me has sweaty hands and I try to wipe off my hands without him noticing, I don’t know why it matters, he must know he has sweaty hands. Try as I might every time I hear that prayer and any of the chantingI picture a Borg Cube talking about assimilation. (more…)
The worst part of preparing for surgery is not being able to have coffee in the morning… really that was the absolute worst part of prep. This mornings coffee tastes so good, absence indeed made the heart grow fonder. MMMMMM
My friend Cliff picked me up yesterday morning and took me to the Hospital, I had offers from several people including work folk, but Cliff made the most sense. Cliff did come with a cup of coffee for himself, which made me crave it soooo badly. He came in with me and we made sure they had his number to call when I was finished. I handed him my wallet and keys and he was off. He could have come up with me to the pre-surgical place – but why would you do that to some one? (See my post on how I get when I visit folks in the hospital: Squeamish) (more…)
I was with my sponsor and grand-sponsor the first time I flew on a plane as an adult. We flew from Minneapolis to Los Angeles, a Northwest flight and we were seated in the same row. It was May of 1996 and we were going for the one year AA birthday of my first sponsor, Terry.
Many years before the events of 9/11 it was easy, worry free and a pleasant experience. I was still a smoker at the time and my biggest concern was making it far without a smoke – I think the ban on smoking on flights had just started and I was none to pleased. They offered us pillows, blankets and showed a movie. I had the window seat and was much more interested in the sky outside than the entertainment inside. I may have slept for a bit I really don’t recall.
Mid-flight they came to offer us a meal, I think it was a sandwich of which I had no interest. I was, if you can believe it, even pickier about what I ate back then. My grand-sponsor glared at me and said next time I was to give him my lunch if I didn’t want it – he wentertainment inside. I may have slept for a bit I really don’t recall.
We landed without much ado, my ears didn’t have a hard time adjusting to the altitude change like they do now. I think we were going to be there for about a week so we all checked luggage. When I thought of LAX I’d imagine scenes from Airplane with the “the white zone is for loading and unloading only – shut up Jane” and such… and it wasn’t really that, but there were so many people and it was rather loud. Everyone seemed to know where they were going and were in a hurry to get there, my Grand-sponsor led the way to baggage, but I think he was a bit unsure of himself.
The traffic was insane, even once we departed the freeway I kept imagining we’d soon be crashing into other vehicles. The trip to Santa Monica was short enough and the weather was very nice, I recall us having the windows open and feeling the sun shine warm us.
The whole week we were there was mostly about going to meetings. Being the good AA’s that we were we showed up early to every meeting, helped set up (sometimes this can be an issue, people are very serious about their commitments) and then waited sometimes almost an hour for a meeting to start. At the Big Meeting we were chastised by the people in front of us for clapping and “woo woo” ing to loudly. I remember seeing a famous person and telling Terry “wow, look there’s so and so” and Terry said it was just a look-a-like… but I’m still not sure.
We met Terry’s roommate Oscar who showed us around one day, we were at Venice Beach, climbing some rocks, driving faster than folks should drive. He was a nice guy. I learned about couch commitments – where people let new folks sleep on their couch while they first get sober to get established, seemed crazy to me at the time but now I can see where it would be helpful to folks. I remember being in their apartment and hearing the news reports constantly talking about people getting shot, that was most of the news and it was a bit of a culture shock to go from “the weather and farm report are next” to “breaking news as shots fired in local mall”.
We visited the Midnight Mission and chatted with Clancy. It was way above my pay scale to meet all these old timers. I recall I had my hands in my pockets and one of the old-timers said: “Get your hands out of your pockets, He’ll (pointing to Clancy) provide the entertainment.” I was mortified (I was very sensitive back then).
We were soon off to lunch with Clancy, some little Mexican place and we were all seated promptly, Clancy ordered for everyone and before I knew it there was this strange meal and a diet coke in front of me that I wasn’t sure of… WTH is a Fajita and Diet Coke is nasty. I had to watch others and I tried to copy them making a fajita for the first time, I didn’t want to make a fuss – I was the new guy here with 2 years hardly worth noticing 😉 You know what? I loved Fajitas, you can add the ingredients you like, it was spicy, it was flavorful… if nothing else I gained that from the trip to LA.
Saturday we were to go to the yard, I put on a Country Jam tshirt that I packed and found my Grand-sponsor was wearing one also – he made me change shirts so we didn’t look too bumpkin I imagine. Then we went to the yard (Clancy’s house) and did all the fun things they do there. Softball across the road was next and I had no interest in playing softball, but before I knew it I was up to bat – I saw the ball coming I swung it and actually hit the ball – for a moment I was standing there shocked that I actually hit the ball with the bat… then I looked to see who was going to catch it… but I didn’t realize it had gone straight up and it promptly landed on my head (this explains a lot about the following years of my life) and I was on the ground. I was ok, and thankfully they let me stop playing softball.
On our way to the airport to go home there was a news report of a plane crashing in Florida, I was really suddenly worried about the safety of the plane we were going to be on, but all the other LAX people were just rushing from here to there.
I came back motivated to do more in AA and to have bigger groups and more fun social activities with peers. I also vowed to go again, and I did the following year without my sponsor and grand-sponsor. This became a ritual for me, every year for my AA birthday I’d take a trip somewhere – I found out many years later that my best friend wished I’d take trips to spend it with her, so I’ve done that a few times as well.
Saturday morning I was up early to catch a 6:30 flight to BWI. My first trip back to DC since I moved. I had called a cab the night before and they assured me they would be here on time – they called when I was still naked but I assured them I’d be down there in about 10 minutes. When I got down stairs the taxi was driving around the parking lot and another taxi was shadowing him, my phone rang the taxi guy wanted to know which building and I told him how to find me… I also asked about the taxi taking him and he assured me he didn’t know. When we pulled out onto Thomas the other taxi turned the other way. On the way to the airport I asked if I could roll down the window in the back and he said no, “You’ll be cold” he said. I rolled my eyes at him and if I had had my coffee I might not have been as irritated as I was… but then the music started. Over his communication radio came some music from his homeland and it was all crackly and staticky and played the whole way…. arrgghh.
I got through airport security quickly enough, stood in line for coffee for over 20 minutes (they really need more coffee places) and before I knew it I was boarding the plane. The plane ride was uneventful, I slept an hour or so and read the book The Ocean at the End of the Lane. As we descended into Baltimore I noticed the leaves changing and wasn’t awed or inspired, yes, now they’re orange, gold, yellow and red… /yawn
Jim being funny
My good friend Jim picked me up at the airport and was happy to see him. I gave him a big hug and knew all was right with the world. We started chatting right away about all kinds of things “How are the kids? How are the grandkids? Where’s Ana?” I asked. We stopped to have lunch and chatted some more. I wanted to get to the house in Washington to see Mouse (the cat) as she’d been alone for about 24 hours so Jim drove me into the city. I hugged my friend farewell, I knew I’d see him Monday morning and we clarified all of that.
Upon entering my old residence I attempted to open the door with my Scottsdale apartment key … but quickly was inside, video camera in hand to try to capture a super Youtube viral video of which my cat didn’t participate… she was very cautious about sniffing me and letting me touch her, oh well.
I spent a few hours with Mouse and put some personal hygiene products away before heading to Pentagon City Mall to have dinner with my best friend Suzanne. Now that was a very involved conversation – I’m going through a small rough patch and she drove all the way up from Virginia Beach (3 1/2 hours) to see me and make sure I was ok. We talked about her too, it’s not just about me. Just seeing her and spending that time with her was worth the trip. She’s the type of friend that won’t let me live in my own shit, she shows me the way when I’m in the dark – she’s always been that for me.
Saturday night as I fell asleep on the couch at Gary’s Mouse slept near me, but not too near.. 🙂 Sunday morning she followed me around as I showered and headed out for a day of stuff. I headed to Annie’s Steak House for breakfast with my friend Steve. I ate there every Sunday morning that I was home and almost always ate their Grilled Chicken Salad for breakfast, lunch or dinner – I really like it.
After breakfast I headed over to a gay AA meeting to see old friends. The meeting was ok. It was nice to see some people and hear all the latest gossip and drama. I then had lunch with my friend Jason, it was nice to talk to him and see what’s been going on. I also talked with him about some work stuff and discovered interesting tidbits.
I didn’t get back to Gary’s until afternoon and Mouse was starving and suddenly very friendly – she gets fed one wet meal a day and she was convinced it was time – I held off until 2:30 and then gave in to her. After she eats then she wants nothing to do with you and finds a dark spot to take a nap. I took a brief nap and then had to head out to have dinner with some other friends – this time at the Cheesecake Factory.
I was anticipating more friends than arrived, but things come up. It was Danny, Steve and Cynthia with me for dinner and it was such a great experience – the waitress was odd and gave us moments to question if we were on TV or something a few times. It was so nice to see these folks and hear about the growth of the meeting, their lives and talk to them – I really miss them. The night was well worth the the trip to DC. When we finished after hugs and “see you Tuesday?” Cynthia dropped me off at Jinx Proof tattoos so I could see her paramour and my friend Matthew. I wanted to make sure it was ok to ask another tattoo guy in his shop to do a big tattoo for me… the guy is known for his superhero/comic book tattoos and it’s just amazing… I also wanted to see Matthew as he couldn’t make dinner. I’ve known some of these folks such as short time but really connect with them – Matthew feels like one of those friends I’ve always known. I walked back to Gary’s from Georgetown – 3.7 miles… this is something I used to do all the time but my legs really ached after – I need to walk more again.
Monday morning I awoke at six was out of the house by 7 to meet Jim in Takoma Park. We stopped at the 7/11 for coffee and then proceeded to his house where I looked at the QuickBooks account, sorted files, paid bills, fixed computer bugs (not viruses, just minor annoyances) and then helped his wife Ana, with some computer issues and taught her a few new tricks – she’s a great student. I spent the entire day with the DiLuigi’s and it was very nice to do so, they’ve always been family and mean the world to me. Jim shocked Ana and I by deciding to go through and throw away old files… like over 25 years old… It was nice to look at papers that referenced the forming of the American’s with Disabilities Act and know that this man was a part of that back then. We ended the day at Outback, and had more and more conversations before I headed back to DC.
Gary and Ian had been in Fort Lauderdale for the last few days and I finally got the chance to see them. Mouse was there too and was kind of lovable. It was nice to see my old roommate and I commented how nice it was of him to leave my bathroom the same as it was when I left – all my toiletries were exactly where i left them. Before I knew it I had to go to bed, I was to be up at 6 to go back to Jim’s – this night Mouse slept with me and it was nice – she usually sleeps down at my feet under the covers so no tossing and turning 🙂
lunch
Tuesday after more work at Jim and Ana’s we went to Maggiano’s to have lunch. It was the DiLuigi’s, Gary and Ian. We had family style and took our time, I think we had a three hour lunch. The conversations ranged from horse racing and church to the way Ian pronounces “garage” – the English are wonderful.
Tuesday night I attended my home group, the Tuesday Night Big Book Study – the best meeting in Washington DC. The room was packed full of people and all the founders were there. After the first reading I shared and then my friends shared and then other people shared and it was wonderful… I needed that. AA here in Scottsdale is nice, but the TNBBS is top rated. I was able to see Taylor and Laura who couldn’t make the dinner on Sunday and got so many hugs and … ahhhh…. what a great group. Afterwards Danny, Matthew and I had a quick stop at the Cosi chatting away until they closed the place at 9. Matthew and I drove over to his and Cynthia’s new house (7)42 is the house number (the seven is silent) and they really picked a great place – enough room for the both of them, spacious and I’m happy for them! I saw their kitties as well.
My last night at Gary’s and we were up til 11 chatting and watching shows he likes. Mouse slept with me kind of. I packed the next morning quickly had breakfast, shipped a portrait of myself that my friend Ron had painted and said my good byes. No tears this time, no hard goodbyes, just knowing everyone’s ok is nice.
Jim picked me up at the metro, we went to lunch and then he dropped me off at BWI. Again no hard goodbyes, but a strong hug and smile from my friend.
It was a great trip to DC, it was cold at times… but it was nice to see friends and family… I imagine I’ll have to go back again in 6 months or so…
The alarm goes off before I’m ready, it cuts off the music and blares at me until I get up to shut it off. I long for the days of my childhood when I could sleep the day away but I’d settle for just sleeping until I awoke naturally.
I then slip on some underwear or superhero pajama bottoms – depending on how cold it is – and go into the kitchen, right about then I remember to slip on my slippers and turn back around to my bedroom… every morning this happens. The coffee pot in the kitchen is prepped and ready to brew, I push the button and then head for the living room – the computer also needs to be awoken. After I push the button on the back of it I have to head back to the bedroom, the bed needs to be made… then I remember the pressure on my bladder and I stop in the bathroom to relieve myself… mornings are hard (no pun intended). Back to the bedroom I go and I actually make the bed, something else I never did as a kid, I was just going to mess it up again. (more…)
In 1982 my mother decided to run from her troubles and move to Florida. This run she took us kids with her, which I thought was very considerate of her, in later years she couldn’t be bothered with kids tagging along.
I think this was our house on Elm Street
We were living on Elm Street in Whitehall WI at the time, I was 11 or 12. Mom was buying through a HUD loan and it was nice – the bedrooms were downstairs for us kids and I think we had bunk beds. There was a huge back yard and we had family friends that lived on the same block almost. Not to far away was the railroad tracks and the golf course – lots of things for a kid with an imagination to enjoy. We’d lived on this street before in a little red house where I broke my two front teeth and threw Kilo, the dog, down the stairs… long story. Aunt Gerry and her daughter Angie were living with us too, Gerry’s boys had opted to live with their dad. This was a house that has a lot of odd memories for me, I can recall us kids doing a performance for our parents (just like the Brady’s) a few times.
I can recall someone calling the house and asking if Mother was home and me telling them she went to the AAA Meeting – I had one to many A’s and Mom was very upset about me telling someone even though I named it incorrectly. So this was one of Mom’s attempts at getting sober, but all she really did in AA was date men, go to potlucks dances and complain about her life.
I want to thank someone, problem is I can’t remember who to thank. At the beginning of the year someone suggested that I start reading As Bill See’s Itcover to cover, in order… you know how you read most books. I had always just opened it up randomly or searched in the index in the back for a particular topic. I’ve added it to my morning readings and read two pages a day (at least, sometimes more) and it’s been really great to have those extra ideas and reflections. (you can add in here the joke you hear at conventions: Bill wrote “As Bill See’s It” but Lois wrote “Lois Remembers” which is kind of funny… the first time…)
As Bill See’s It
As Bill See’s It is an interesting book – it contains quotes from Bill’s letters, books, talks, most of them offer something to think about for the day. But there are things that really get on my nerves about it – they will cite the book Alcoholics Anonymous for certain passages but it wont match exactly… for example I’ve written about the Grouch and the Brainstorm a few times where in the book it says “brainstorm” but in ABS it says “the sudden rage”. There are actually several times where it does that and I think to myself “Aren’t there Cite Police” that monitor this kind of thing? I actually went so far as to contact A.A. World Services to ask them about it… (more…)
I didn’t get a chance to ride my bicycle yesterday, by the time I arrived home it was dark and I think I’d like the thing to have a light or something – today I plan to ride again.
Don’t Panic
I left work early for a doctor appointment, new city and finally a new doctor. My high-cholesterol medicine prescription has run out and I know I’m supposed to take that stuff… so that means I need a new doctor here. The doctor I got is a woman, which is new for me, for the last 10 years or so I had the same doctor in DC and he was a great guy, got to know me pretty well… it’s like starting over. She had the lab draw blood – no fasting involved, she said it was more realistic of what my every day levels are… been saying that for years I have – I hate fasting. I also asked for a flu shot, I want to make sure the government microchip gets what it needs /tinfoilhat
She also gave me a surgery consult for something I was diagnosed with last November with Kaiser… I’m not sure why Kaiser made me wait, but now I’m here and have a consult. That doctor will call today and I’ll schedule an appointment probably have another exam and then get to schedule surgery… fun stuff. More on that later.
Arriving home I quickly showered, ate an headed out again to an AA “meeting” in Tempe, it’s more like a Traditions workshop… a local AA historian and a local AA long-timer shared on their knowledge and experience with the Traditions – they’ll do this all month. This week was about the history mostly, but the long-timer shared about anonymity also meaning “sacrifice” and how it might be helpful to some if they read the Twelfth tradition as follows:
Sacrifice is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions – ever reminding us to place principles before personal desires.
I really kind of thought that hit the nail on the head, but I also think we tend to be over anonymous… I’ll be making two of these next meetings hopefully, one of the weeks I’ll be in Washington, DC so wont get to make it.
It was a weekend full of AA stuff, and there wasn’t even a round up.
Friday I attended the 5:30 meeting at Prince of Peace – they have a meeting there everyday at 5:30 I guess and the format is different on each day maybe… on Tuesday I spoke there and heard the Friday was a call-up ticket meeting so I told Cliff about it and we both attended. It was a very full meeting, saw many faces I know and enjoyed the meeting. Afterwards Cliff and I had dinner at a restaurant across the way – not bad at all.
Saturday morning I headed to AHWATUKEE for the morning Men’s stag, it’s open discussion. It’s really a birthday meeting, they let celebrants share and then pick the topic. Saturday a gentlemen picked up his 40 year chip and the topic wasn’t too bad. Afterward Cliff and I had breakfast, then I met his dog Gunner. Cliff was also kind enough to bring my new bicycle home in his truck and I went riding almost right after I arrived home. I rode about 10 miles and then was ready to go to sleep for the rest of the day, but I didn’t. 🙂
I’ve been watching the TV show Warehouse 13 on Netflix and one of the characters is in AA and that’s been interesting to watch, in one episode he switches bodies with his partner and she’d been drinking and it kind of throws him for a loop. I like that he’s a regular guy in AA and still able to deal with the world – as weird as it may be – without being so different or a stick-in-the-mud.
Sunday morning was another meeting, i even went to the fellowship before the meeting at Starbucks. My friend Roger picked up his 18 year chip and talked about his recent trip back to NY where he first sobered up many years ago. There was also someone who just moved to the area who picked up a 2 year chip, she moved here from Virginia Beach and her sponsor told her to find a meeting to make coffee at and she asked for help to find such a place. Over all it was a good meeting.
After the meeting Sunday I did laundry and then took the bicycle out for a nice ride, there are nice bike paths all over here so lots to see and do.
This morning I’m going to work, some meetings and a doctor appointment in the afternoon – more on that later.
Apparently we need some clarification! When the chairperson towards the end of the meeting says:
“does anyone have a burning desire – anyone feel like they might drink if they don’t share?” That means exactly what it says… IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT DRINK TODAY SPEAK UP WE’RE HERE FOR YOU!
Below is a list of things that are NOT considered “burning desires” and instead more likely self-centered, ego-centric bullshit that none of us need to hear… chances are you’ve talked too much this week anyway, go help an alcoholic and get out of yourself already
Things not considered burning desires (that I’ve actually heard)
I’ll be teaching the clown school in Tempe this week and would love to see you all there
The Mental Health Workshop (the field you happen to work in) will be downtown this week and it’d be great if you could drop by
My 40th birthday (not AA birthday, belly button) party is this Saturday, it’s a potluck and we need more volunteers for food
No one talked about the point I was thinking of since the meeting started… well they did kind of but I can say it so much better and really need to, because sharing and stuff
I really loved what you said about cats, it just touched me spiritually
This is not a point in the meeting where you should speak up because you’re feeling the need to share your wisdom (especially if you’re on your third relapse and only have 60 days – take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth)
