Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • Squeamish

    Many years ago my mother was in the ICU after having surgery and us kids got to go in and visit her. Almost immediately upon seeing her with all those tubes in her and looking rather ragged I felt faint. I wanted to grab on to something to hold on and then there were nurses all around me asking if I was ok, I had no idea if I was ok or not I just really needed to get out of there.

    In 1995 after I sobered up, my best friend Suzanne went off and got a brain tumor. I’m almost certain that exercise is the cause. So being a good friend I was there when she checked into the hospital with her husband, parents and another friend. As the doctor described the procedure in detail (“we will be entering your brain by placing an instrument under your lip and it has a little clasp…” or some disgusting thing) to Suzanne and family I had to excuse myself and soon was in the bathroom where I fell over. Suzanne was worried about me – they weren’t doing anything to my brain, I’m just squeamish.

    Then in 2004 while working at Children’s Hospital in DC (yes, I know – a hospital what was I thinking. But I’m a computer guy, not a person that had to deal with the icky stuff) a patient that loved me (who doesn’t?) was in the hospital having surgery and I had to be there for the little guy. That was hard, I not only was there for pre-surgery but then visited him in his room for several days after.

    So, you’d think with all this experience that it would get better or that eventually this silliness would just go away entirely, but last night I picked up my cat from the vet. She had a mass removed from her right shoulder and is all stitched up now. Sure enough every time I see it I’d like to pass out. She’s a trooper, not really happy to be wearing a cone on her head but not crying, I’m the weak one.

    I’m not entirely sure where these things come from, maybe I’m just designed to be this way. When I was very young I did have surgery on my eye. I don’t recall many things about that but my Mother had said that I was very good until they tried to take me home and I threw up. All I remember from that time is when the medical folks were talking to me about the anesthesia and the mask they were going to put on my face, but I don’t remember wanting to faint the whole time I was there.

    Anyway, I hope Mouse gets better quickly and I really hope none of my close friends or family end up in the hospital… it’s hard for me to visit.

  • Relax – While I Can

    Flew down to San Antonio this weekend to see Bill! 🙂

    I awoke before the crack of dawn to get to the airport for my flight that was to leave before 6:00. Alas, when I arrived to check my bag I was informed that my flight had been delayed until 3:00 p.m. There didn’t appear to be any weather issues in DC or in Memphis so I asked the guy, why didn’t they send an email or call me? “It just happened” he said. *sigh* So I was re-booked through Atlanta and made it to San Antonio only one hour after I had been scheduled to be there. Then I hopped in a cab for the house as Bill had work.

    When he arrived home and we kissed a bit we headed off to Chris Madrid’s for one of the best burgers I’ve ever had (the fries were pretty good too). After our meal we headed off to Best Buy to look at a new refrigerator for the house as the current one isn’t keeping things cold anymore. We found a lovely model that’ll be installed this coming Friday. I also got to drool over the 27″ iMac they had in the Apple section.

    Saturday was just a nice quiet day with Bill, part of which was spent lying on the floor listening to Oscar nominated songs of the past on NPR. Sunday after breakfast and a trip to see my future in-laws we headed back to the house to prepare to the Oscars. We didn’t talk or worry about the wedding, or about much of anything, we just spent time together which was nice.

    Monday came too quickly and I was packed and out the door for home. Can’t wait to see him again, only 25 more days. 😦

  • For Bill

    Meet for coffee?

    Hurricane Alex

    From “I have to mow my lawn”

    To “Could I have a kiss?”

    You popped the question

    I said yes

    From the Midwest

    To Broadway

    Flights back and forth

    Holding hands

    Kissing and loving

    So many introductions

    Planning trips

    Across the country

    Down the aisle

    Wedding Bell Blues

    Flowers and cards

    Love from a far

    Soon to be husband

    And husband

    Nothings ever made me happier

    No ones ever sent me

    Head over heels

    The way you do

    I love you Bill

    I always will

  • Weekend At the Opera

    As you may know, I left for San Antonio early due to an encroaching storm which would have delayed my departure by at least a day had I not. Not that I’m complaining, spending an extra day with Bill is a real treat. I had Thursday pretty much to myself and didn’t do much outside of the norm.

    Friday morning (… 11:59 is still morning) we left for the long drive to Houston. There is absolutely nothing of interest to see on the drive from San Antonio to Houston, NOTHING… it’s really an incredibly boring three-hour drive which I’m very grateful that Bill drove… I would have fallen asleep I’m sure.

    Friday night we saw a late movie: Another Year. This movie was rare in that it was a movie Bill hadn’t actually already seen. We really both enjoyed it and I only have one caveat for you, if you’re not a fan of people drinking a lot on-screen, this may not be for you. It was a good little movie, and I do recommend it.

    Saturday evening was our first Opera, Dead Man Walking at the Houston Grand Opera. I will be upfront with you and say that I have never seen the movie and never read the book but I knew the basics. Before the show there is a brief lecture about the show by someone connected to the opera, this may be a singer or a conductor, I’m not sure where these folks come from. The gentleman who told us about Dead Man Walking was very good, he gave us good back ground on where the story originated and a lot of biographical information on the Sister who wrote the book. It was such a good lecture that I really wanted to go rent the movie to see it after he was done. During his lecture he mentioned a part of the play where there is no music (vocal or otherwise) only the sounds of the death machine and he points out how powerful it is to have this silence after such grand music… I wish he hadn’t said it as I think it would have had more of an impact on my thoughts of the show had I not been waiting for the silence…  it was still pretty powerful.

    When the Opera started we were seated in the middle section in the front row, not Bill’s usual seat as a season ticket holder, but they made changes when I opted to come with him. The seats, in my opinion were great, I was close enough to the performers that I could really read their emotions on the stage very well and I felt really connected to the story. I really enjoyed the vocal and instrumental sounds and the scenery was really used in such a way that it changed the feel of things as we progressed. There was a screen with subtitles so I could read along if I wanted, but I rarely found the need. I really enjoyed the entire thing, and only found it mildly disconcerting that they could sing the word “No” with a trail of notes so often. [“No” is just an example, I understand it’s an opera and they sing everything, but it was different]. We left the Opera House having enjoyed the show, and for a first Opera, I’d say it was a great one to start with.

    Sunday morning we awoke to rain and the prospect that the Chevron Houston Marathon was between our hotel and the Opera House. After an attempt trying to find away around the marathon we were forced to park and hoof it, not so bad as the rain wasn’t torrential or anything.

    Our second opera of the weekend was Lucia di Lammermoor, I think I’d call it a classic opera. The entire thing was sung in Italian (with English subtitles). I tried not to look at the subtitles, as I had read synopsis of the Acts and thought I could follow along, I found that I could follow along most of the time, but did look more than I had looked during Dead Man Walking.

    The set was simple enough but the lights and the panels managed to really change things. The background and panels were all painted sky with billowing clouds. The costumes were all very well done era pieces from the 17th century and really pretty.

    We did see a lecture before this show as well, but it was more focused on the history of operas and the writers of operas rather than the opera itself. She did talk about this particular opera, but not as much as the previous lecturer did for Dead Man Walking.

    To be completely honest with you, I nodded off at least three separate occasions during this show. I wasn’t bored really, I just kind of found the music soothing with the lights dim and Bill right next to me… I didn’t snore or fall out of my seat or anything, but I did struggle to stay awake. I think it would have been easier to fall asleep, but fought the good fight and won?!

    The Soprano, Lucia, was stupendous, some of her notes were just perfect and I found her voice to be captivating. Not one word that she sang did I understand, except “Edgardo” her true love, but only after a few times of her saying it did I start to get it. The good thing is, I didn’t need to understand her words – her face and body and intonation managed to convey everything she sang to such a level that I could relate to her heart ache, her love and her sense of fate closing in around her.

    The tenor, Edgardo, I really didn’t think as much of. Yes, he could sing, very well, but I think you need to do more than sing well to be in an Opera. His facial expressions, his body language, his interaction with the other players just didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t feel like he was the character at all, more like he was a good singer so he got the part.

    The smaller parts were all very well done, the singing, the marching, the dancing and I loved the orchestra.

    Having attended a modern and a classic Opera now, I’d have to say in general that I really enjoyed myself. The people watching was nice before the show and during the intermission. There was a great variety of people there in all manner of outfits. I would like, in the future, to see a Comic Opera now, as these two were tragedies… I did really get emotionally pulled in during scenes of both Operas based on the acting of players.

    I don’t think I would have ever classified myself as an Opera attender. It’s not one of the things that would jump to the top of my list of things I would like to have associated with me. I think that has something to do with misconceptions about the Opera. But this weekend has really given me cause to say that perhaps the Opera is for me, and perhaps it’s for you too. The Opera is really pretty good entertainment which could easily surpass some of the options you’ll find most weekends at the Box Office or the TV set in your living room. Take the chance, the opportunity, spend a little money for a night out at the Opera, I think you’ll find yourself pleasantly surprised by how much entertainment you get out of that one show and be exposed to the unexpected gem that is the Opera.

  • Grouch and the Brainstorm

    “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.” – As Bill See’s It, Page 5, (it references the Big Book on page 66, but it’s inaccurate. The Big Book says: “…the grouch and the brainstorm…” which strikes me as funny.).

    I’ve recently seen some “normal men” who have the luxury of holding on to a resentment and boy are they unhappy. I’m not sure it’s a luxury for any of us, who can afford to spend that much energy and time being angry? That anger doesn’t just stay inside it seeps out, is shown in things you do and how you relate to the human race and can’t possibly be healthy for anyone.

    There aren’t any people on my resentment list anymore – but there have been many over the years, and I’m sure I’ll find a few to put on it temporarily until I see how sick I am and spend the energy fixing me.

    In Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 x 12) it says: “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger out to be left to those better qualified to handle it.” Page 90

    When I first got sober I had a huge (if these types of things can be measured) resentment against my mother and it occupied a lot of space in my mind. Whenever I would think of her I would get mad, my body temperature would heat up, I would relive, refeel, rethink all the supposed wrongs she did to me. I could spend an entire day just being mad at her and she lived over 1000 miles away… spiritual axiom. Something here is wrong with me, and it took me a long time to see it and fix it.

    So how do you do that? How do you take feelings of anger and hatred that you’ve nurtured, watered and cared for over a long period of time and fix you? That’s the rub.

    For me, I did as directed by a sponsor – I prayed. Not just once or twice, but a hundred or more times about that specific issue. I prayed every day for her to get everything she wanted in her life, for her to be fulfilled with love and happiness.

    Hell, I didn’t believe anything I was saying for the first month or more, but eventually what I found when I would think of her was a kind of serenity and peace.

    The grouch and the brainstorm are not for me, probably not a good idea for normal folks either. If you’ve found yourself in a position where you can’t get past a thing that someone did to you, perhaps try prayer… if you’re not the praying type, just try speaking out loud to nothing all… it’s about changing you, not about changing them.

  • The Book of Jamez 2010 in review

    The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

    Healthy blog!

    The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

    Crunchy numbers

    Featured image

    A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2010. That’s about 4 full 747s.

     

    In 2010, there were 26 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 338 posts. There were 12 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 10mb. That’s about a picture per month.

    The busiest day of the year was January 5th with 111 views. The most popular post that day was Aloha and Mahalo AAC Inc.

    Where did they come from?

    The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, bear411.com, zacharyquintouk.webs.com, thisismanatap.org, and twitter.com.

    Some visitors came searching, mostly for rhonda komperud, bookofjamez.com, zachary quinto, resentments are the number one offender, and meltiece.

    Attractions in 2010

    These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

    1

    Aloha and Mahalo AAC Inc November 2009
    2 comments

    2

    Jamez and Bill take NYC November 2010
    3 comments

    3

    About October 2009

    4

    foster home February 2006

    5

    Unsettling August 2010
    1 comment

  • Christmas Disease of Perception

    I asked my boss what he wanted for Christmas to which he replied: a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. That’s easy enough.

    Not being a frequenter of liquor stores anymore, I kindly asked my roommate to go into a liquor store and purchase a big bottle of Jack Daniel’s in a gift box. He kindly agreed knowing that I would rather avoid such places unless absolutely necessary (the roommates a normy).

    He came out of the liquor store the other night with a 750 ml bottle… that’s it…

    I told him thank you, of course, but inside my head I was wondering if he really thought this was a big bottle of Jack. Back when I was drinking I wouldn’t have even glanced at a bottle that size for myself let alone someone else. There had to be a gallon size bottle in there somewhere didn’t there. The roommate is oblivious to my dilemma, why would anyone need more than that is what he’s thinking.

    I gave the gift to the boss today and he was appreciative and said it was a very nice bottle, so I looked at him sideways too.  It reminds me of an old friend that used to get very drunk off of just two glasses of alcohol, I suggested he see a doctor… he’s missing out. These are the people who I don’t understand – something is wrong with them.

    However, as the boss and I left the office for his vehicle and I kindly offered to help him with his things, I was fortunate enough to be able to carry the lovely bottle of Jack, and I had a moment where I could recall the taste, the feeling of it burning on its way to my stomach and the long past memories of BOOM… just like that I can remember the wonderful feeling and taste and sensations.

    It takes a few more moments before I can vividly recall the bad things that went along with that bottle and how much I’d lose if I chose that path again. For today, it’s not worth it, for today I’m happy with what I have and where life is going, for today I’m going to keep trudging and not worry about how little whiskey someone else will get to drink. And I can be grateful too that the people around me aren’t like I was and don’t need the gallon bottles of anything to satisfy their undying thirst.

  • 40th Birthday Trip

    Turning 40 isn’t exactly something I was ever looking forward to, but I did make the best of it that I could. I had a great birthday trip with a great man and will tell you all about it.

    First, let me say really disappointing part of my trip was the service by US Airways. Two canceled flights due to “scheduled maintenance” the day before and the day of travel – if it was scheduled why didn’t they tell us sooner? Poor customer service, bad manners by gate attendants. It was just bad. If I can help it, I will not fly them again, I’ve sent a letter and expect an apology and refunds for some of their errors.

    Bill and I did finally meet, in spite of USELess Airways canceled flights in Maui only 30 minutes later than he should have arrived. The flight to Maui for me was two leg, first stop in Phoenix where a USEless Airways attendant refused to talk to me unless I covered up a word on my shirt. When I landed I also received texts from Bill saying his flight had been canceled and he’d been rerouted through Dallas.

    In Maui I feared the weather might be an issue as it was overcast and windy, but it cleared up and was great the rest of the trip. Bill rented us a convertible which was very nice to ride in, we headed off to our hotel, the Hyatt Regency Maui Resort & Spa, in Lahaina about a 40 minute drive as it was rush hour. The Hyatt was pristine, just a very lovely huge property. The only issues that I had at the hotel were long lines to check in and just so so food at the restaurants. The staff was very kind and helpful. There happens to be a bunch of stores in the Hyatt (Macys, Sunglass Hut, some flip-flop store, Na Hoku, and some local things). I forgot to pack my shades, so I had to buy new ones, got a great pair from the Sunglass hut and the lady was very friendly and cool. Bill and I found perfect wedding bands at the Na Hoku.

    On our first full day we had scheduled a waterfall tour with Wade and No Ka Oi Adventures. Wade met us on time and greeted me with a hug at the Starbucks. We were soon off on our grand adventure to see secluded waterfalls on Maui. It had been raining and some of the spots we hoped to go were flooded out with very fast-moving current, so Wade opted to take us on more conventional routes. The first more conventional route I slipped and was neck-deep in a fast current before I knew what was happening – some initial panic before I was safe. Then later Bill was trying to reach a cave behind a waterfall and he slipped and hit his side against some rocks, huge bruise and scratch on his ribcage. What we saw with Wade was beautiful and we appreciated all his knowledge of the area, plants and history.

    Saturday night we went to see the Drums of the Pacific Lu’au at the Hyatt. I got up to learn to Hula and we met two wonderful people named Ken and Sue from Phoenix. They were great conversationalist and just wonderful people.

    Monday morning for my birthday we went whale watching with the Pacific Whale Foundation where we saw several whales from afar and a ton of dolphins – it was just what I wanted. That evening Bill had bought a ticket package to see Cirque Polynesia at the Hyatt and Ken and Sue were there too, we had dinner together after the show and closed the restaurant, it was a great evening and I even got a candle on my dessert. I should mention that Bill decorated the hotel room with 40 Year type things, it was sweet of him. It was the best birthday on record because I got to spend it with him.

    Wednesday we flew to Honolulu to see Pearl Harbor where we spent about 4 hours. Then we headed off to The Queens Medical Center where Bill was born and then off to the Palace for a tour. It was nice.

    The best parts of the trip were lying in a hammock with Bill under the stars, waking up with Bill every morning, finding the wedding bands and of course everything we did on my birthday. I love Maui. I probably forgot something important that Bill will give me a hard time about, but I’m ok with that. It was a great birthday trip.

  • Old Age

    This year I became old. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking 40 isn’t old… I’d agree with you normally, but this year all kinds of things happened that made me realize that yes, I’m old.

    This is the year that other people told their children or grandchildren that my name was “Mr. Prudlick” which has never happened before. Before it’s always been Jamez, or Uncle Jamez or Jamez and the giant peach, but never Mr Prudlick.

    This was the year when I realized that going barefoot over stones in a creek bed hurts. When I was a kid I couldn’t wait for summer so I could take off my shoes and run around all over the place in just my bare feet. I’d love the sound of them as they slapped the pavement or the feel of the grass as it tickled my soles. This year, pain, and irritation, I miss the old feelings.

    This is the year that I’ve actually gone to bed before 10 on weekends more times than I’d like to admit and when I’ve gotten up before 7 on a Saturday or Sunday because I didn’t want to watch the day slip by without my getting things done.

    This is the year that I came to realize how much other people mean to me. There have always been special people in my life but rarely has it mattered to me if they would be around for me when I needed them or if I would be there for them. This is the year I fell in love and also the year that I almost lost a friend and did lose another.

    I turned 40 yesterday and the world didn’t stop spinning and my hair didn’t all fall out nor did I start to use a walker (although my foot does still kind of hurt from walking in the creek bed). I do think it might be about the best birthday that I can remember. Lots of folks who saw my 40 Tshirt and 40 year old buttons made sure that I knew it was just the beginning and all the fun was just around the corner… lots of younger folks wanted to know if I got any discounts or specials for being 40… well no, but maybe you get a finer appreciation of the things around you then you had before.

  • Thanks

    I couldn’t have said at the beginning of this year that I would have anything to be thankful for outside of what I have every other year, but I hadn’t anticipated meeting Bill this year either.

    So below, in no particular order, are the things that I’m especially thankful for this year:

    • Bill (my special guy that I’d given up finding at all)
    • Suzanne and Pat (a guy couldn’t ask for better best friends)
    • Gary my roommate for the last 12 or so years
    • Jim, Ana and the DiLuigi clan – not just for my job but for all the wonderful things that they bring to the world each day.
    • Mouse my cat (she actually loves Bill too, she’s so smart)
    • Alcoholics Anonymous – really not one thing on this list would be possible without AA.
    • World of Warcraft ($15 a month for hours and hours of entertainment and virtual friends)
    • Annie’s Grilled Chicken Salad – love that
    • Family – both real and adopted
    • Comic Books
    • iPad
    • Kindle
    • Music
    • and TiVo

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you have as many if not more things to be thankful for this year. Thanks for being a part of my everyday and showing me the better side of humans.