Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: work

  • Last Will and Testament

    Last Will and Testament

    My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.

    First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.

    In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.

    AFTER LIFE

    When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.

    If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.

    In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.

    REMAINS

    I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.

    I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.

    When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.

    Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.

    BELONGINGS

    I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol

    Photo by Erik Mclean on Pexels.com

    The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.

    Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.

    Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦

    Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.

    Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.

    Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.

    I think that’s it… not much like I said.

    FINANCIAL

    There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.

    MY FRIENDS

    Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.

    I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.

    I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.

    Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.

    Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.

    MY FAMILY

    It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.

    My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.

    My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.

    I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.

    IN CLOSING

    I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.

    My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.

    I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.

    Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.

    Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.

  • Day of Waiting

    Day of Waiting

    This morning when I arrived at work the internet wasn’t working. Everything I do at work needs the internet so it stopped me from doing anything. There was a meeting I usually attend at 8 and it was patchy. I go in early specifically to get things done before the phone starts ringing at 9.

    The IT team was on it and spent about 30 minute investigating. While they were at it they soon discovered branches were down across the country that are connected to us. They came up with a fix and soon I was working on a very slow internet… which of course soon crashed. One computer on the second floor was working fine with no problems, which led them to discover the real culprit. Soon after that they got a fix out to all the station and across the company. Took a good 2 hours to get everything settled.

    The internet being down put me behind in my personal schedule, I’m very militaristic and follow a rigid schedule. I do the same things every day and get them done around the same time. I like repetitiveness and knowing what’s coming next, it helps me be in the right mind frame and get things done right and efficiently.

    The rest of the day at the office was uneventful. I made my calls, got a little sale, sent documents out for signatures and sent out a few emails. I leave promptly at 5, unless the phone rings and I end up helping a customer past 5, but that seldom happens.

    Traffic on the way home was normal – which means people drive under the speed limit and drive me absolutely crazy. I try to be patient, but if it gets to be too much I just zoom around them in my little car.

    Speaking of my car, the low tire pressure light has been blinking at me… and then it stops. it’s driving me a little mad. I filled the tires Friday with air at the Kroger and that didn’t seem to help. Not sure what’s going on there. Tomorrow I’ll stop and see if they need more air and if they do schedule an appointment to get the tires checked out.

    All day I was waiting to get home and play World of Warcraft. Today is patch day for the new expansion and it’s very exciting, new talent trees, probably some new content and just loads of excitement about it. So when I arrived home I sat down in my computer chair, launched the Battle.net app. I anticipated, and was correct, that there would be a download. So I downloaded that and made a call.

    I called Verizon. For some reason I was listed as a ‘member’ and not the account owner on my account. It wouldn’t let me update my credit card or anything else related to the core details of the account. Was frustrating last night. So I got Nathan from Verizon on the phone and he fixed it by deregistering me and making me reregister… which I did. Had to create a new user name and everything, but that resolved the problem. I was on the phone for maybe 20 minutes with him. Ten emails and texts later I was set and my World of Warcraft download was finished.

    So I clicked play.

    The cinematic for the expansion launched, I’d seen it before but I watched it all the way through. I like the animation and detail in Blizzard’s cinematics. Look it up on YouTube it’s pretty good little video. Most of the Blizzard cinematics are good, check em out if you have the time or desire to spend some time getting lost in YouTube.

    Then there was a black screen…. and all the servers are down. UGH

    I had neglected to read the notice on the Battle.net launcher and assumed it was the same as it was from last night advising us that the game would be unavailable from 7:00 PDT to 3:00 PDT… but they changed it… now it said until 6:00 PDT…. which means I’m waiting again.

    I half expected this. Most of the time during a launch they have issues and we can’t play, but I always am hopeful that this time will be different.

    So as of this sentence I have 1 hour and 59 minutes to go before they think it’ll be playable… and then it’s almost bedtime.

    I don’t know why I’m that concerned. When there is new content everyone swarms the new quest givers or areas and it’s hard to get quests done or achieve anything of note. So it’s better to just wait until the weekend and then come on and explore all the new content with less people… some of them will have moved on already.

    So as I sat at my computer…. waiting… I thought it’s been a week since I posted anything and I should really do it. This was really a lot about nothing except waiting and whining … which anyone can do. So now I’ll just wait for the game or bed time or both and call it a day.

  • The Dreaded Beast – Meetings

    The Dreaded Beast – Meetings

    Have I ever mentioned how much I hate meetings. Hate is a strong word, I know… I’m pretty sure it’s hate. Can’t stand them, go out of my way to prevent them from happening if at all possible. I haven’t pulled a fire alarm or called in a bomb threat, but maybe it’s worth the risk. Chances are we’d then have to have a meeting about safety and irresponsibility.

    I’m a worker. I want to get to the office sit in front of my computer and crank out work. There is always plenty of work. This hasn’t been true at many of my jobs in the past… Job after job after job I would find myself bored, playing on Facebook, playing solitaire or surfing the web when my work was finished… I did my job now I have free time to goof off. I even had a job where I could play World of Warcraft and still be productive.. not a lot to do so lots of time to be creative.

    My current job, in the insurance industry doesn’t allow me to play around… oh, I’m sure I could find a way to do nothing, but I don’t have to. I have so much work to do and the team that works with me does too… so there is no need to find other things to do to occupy my time… I have work that needs doing and I can do it so therefore I’m not bored… boredom is the day killer.

    A meeting, regardless of purpose (purpose is a rare quality in any meeting I’ve been to) is generally boring. There is no work being done. No one is being active… or perhaps one person is being active and the rest of the group is staring at their screen. One person will ask a dumb question and the rest of the meeting will groan to themselves and wonder why that person keeps being asked back to the meeting, secretly they’ve been planning his murder.

    Generally meetings consist of one of the following:

    • This work isn’t being done.
    • This work is being done incorrectly.
    • How can we get more work done.
    • We should schedule a meeting to talk about having a meeting.
    • Let me ramble on and on about a plan I would like to put in motion that will fix nothing but mandates you pay attention to me for an hour or more.  (generally a consultant)

    I try to stay open minded. I try to be helpful and input good information, if I have it. I try to take notes that make sense to me…. but generally, I’m bored.

    It isn’t just the boredom that gets me… it’s the frustration of knowing I could be at my desk at that moment doing ACTUAL work. Putting dents into large projects, finishing small projects, helping customers and generally … well working.

    One meeting a week… ok I can do it. Two – three meetings four days of the week… omg… help me… do I want to have another meeting… do you really have to ask me that question?

  • Happiness

    Happiness

    I started a new job in June, a call center. My first time at a call center and I wasn’t sure how I’d do but I think I do ok. I like it as it keeps me busy most of the time and I love being busy, the days seem to fly by when you’re busy more than when you’re bored. There was a job not to long ago that I had where I just sat there for about 7 hours a day, hated that.

    I’ve had three people at my new job comment on how I always seem to be happy and never let anything bother me. Alan said “Dude,” he says dude, who am I to argue “how do you just stay so upbeat all the time, you never let this stuff get to you.”. Brandon commented “Jamez you’re always in a good mood, I don’t know how you do it” and Farrah came out and said “You scare me, people who are happy all the time scare me. Like I wonder what you’re hiding.” Farrah and I talked a bit and I assured her I don’t have any corpses stashed under my crawlspace or in an attic somewhere and that I do have my moments where I’m not so cheery, she said she was less scared after. 

    These folks don’t sit next to me and hear me swear under my breath when I come across a record that wasn’t properly documented or cancelled…. and sometimes I swear not so under my breath. Nor do they ride home with me and see how mad I get at people who can’t do the speed limit as a minimum.. what’s wrong with those people and why do they even have a license? 

    At work I try to greet everyone with a “good morning” or a “hello” as they walk past and I happen to sit at a high traffic zone so I see a lot of folks. I also tell them good night and for some folks I say “thanks for being wonderful today” when they leave. Gives me something to do and it’s nice networking, I get to know people over time and can chat with them about other things if they run into me. Like today with Farrah, she and I chatted for a bit during a break but had I not be overly nice who knows if we would have. 

    I honestly am usually just ok with things. I swear, at home and on my own I’m just ok. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and take medications for those, so it might all be that I guess. It’s also some indoctrination I received from 20 odd years in Alcoholics Anonymous where they preach “fake it til you make it” and where I was taught to greet everyone before the meeting and shake hands with every single person there. After 20 years of doing something it kind of sticks.

    At the new job I frequently remind myself – “I’m not a manager now”. Which seems silly I guess, but I managed a team for a good 5 years and it’s in my bones now and I can’t help but get a little frustrated when I see inefficiency or people, literally, sleeping on the job then I start to steam internally and have to stay focused on making calls. Since there are so many calls to make this keeps me occupied.

    When I get home I sometimes fret/resent/repeat the day in my head and it keeps me up at night. My own errors is a big thing that bothers me, when I screw up my anxiety shoots through me and I get all uncomfortable and want to crawl in a hole. I try to not make mistakes but sometimes I get sloppy and fast and one gets made, I’m just not good on fixing it once its been done. I don’t like the feeling of failure and that just beats me up real bad in my head. So while outside I may be greeting folks and smiling – inside I’m fighting a demon of self-doubt and condemnation. It’s awful. It makes me feel like I can’t move. I can’t describe it other than that, it’s overwhelming. So I do try ever so hard not to mess up. 

    I do work with a good group of people and have good managers on the floor. I’m usually very busy making calls and only once in a while do I get anxious about making one and its not for a good reason, its random. Being nice and smiling helps to keep that at bay so I do it. 

    When I was newly sober I was called a malcontent and “that angry guy” but over the years “faking it til you make it” and just doing the next right thing helped make that image go away. My friends that have known me for decades know I’m not the happiest of guys but they love me anyway and find other qualities in me (I guess) to treasure. 

    I am not one to dwell on and fret about things over and over… usually. I’m not one to gush over things either. I’m kind of in the middle and just do things that seem to be the right thing to do… and at work, saying hi and trying to keep a positive attitude doesn’t hurt either.

  • Training Tribulations

    I do a wide variety of tasks at the office. I like to think I do them all pretty well. One of the things I do that others think I do well is train people.

    All I really do is share what I know. It’s akin to Alcoholics Anonymous – someone shared with me so I can do this better so now I’m sharing it with you. I may on occasion have to modify my message to be heard by someone who can’t relate to it a certain way or other but still share the same message. AA gave me that and I’ve been using it for quite a few years now.

    It works for me with the people that have come into the office to be trained. I don’t lecture, or teach I share. I’ll sometimes say “this is the problem, and here is how I found a solution” and then show them how I did it. Action (that’s another thing I learned from AA), take the steps to show others how to get past an obstacle. This has worked time and time again.

    But now I have a new problem. (more…)

  • My Team

    I love my job (most of the time) – I’m busy from the moment I get there until the moment I leave and that’s a great way to spend the day. Considering I spend 9 – 12 hours a day there and sometimes go in on Saturday – it’s good to like it.

    I manage some tasks at work – I say I manage people, but one of my bosses said a few years ago that I don’t, so we’ll let him have that – I know what needs to be done each day and I get to map the best way to get there. I’m a result oriented guy – I want the jobs done efficiently and timely. I rely on a handful of people to get that accomplished.

    It’s hard for me to let those things go and trust those other people… well it was at first. After you give them a chance to prove themselves often enough and they do then you can relax a little bit about what you’ve given them. If I give these six things to her and these 5 things to him I can do these remaining things that also need to be done.  (more…)

  • Vegas with Zanne

    Vegas with Zanne

    I used 4 hours of vacation time on Friday so I could drive up to Las Vegas and see Suzanne.

    It’s nice to get away from the office – weird things going on there. I think I finally figured out what they’re trying to accomplish – doesn’t make a damn bit of sense but I don’t think I care anymore – that’s a good indicator that you should get away from the office. (deleted the rest of this paragraph for self preservation) (more…)

  • Got Trust?

    A few years back a psychologist helped me come to a conclusion on love – it has to be earned. No one gets a default feeling of love just because they are related to you, know you or were nice to you once in passing.

    I loved the idea of my mother – a woman who cared for me, loved me, made sure my needs were met. I didn’t really have that, but was stuck on an idea of obligation of loving her because she birthed me. Truthfully, she only loved me when she needed something – attention, pity, affection or my social security number when her credit wore through.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, is using or manipulating you… not really a winning game. The same is true of trust and respect. (more…)

  • The Journey Out of AA – so far

    The Journey Out of AA – so far

    It’s been a little over five months since I published my story “Walking Away from AA” where I talked about my decision to leave Alcoholics Anonymous after almost 22 years. I stated then that I didn’t have a desire to drink, but I had a desire to be more honest and truthful with all aspects of my life.

    Being sober – living a life without drugs or alcohol – is for me. It’s a cheaper life, more enjoyable and less messy… things I need and want. Belief in a “higher power” or “faking it until I make it” aren’t for me, I can’t live that lie anymore. I gave it a fair shot – lying for AA, lol.

    So what’s changed really?  (more…)

  • Learning by Repetition

    In college I took Psychology as one of my classes, I didn’t really have any desire to be a psychologist I was just filling up class space with something that I could tolerate. I only wanted to take English classes, but somehow I had to take math, computer science and welcome to college too… It got me on the Deans list so I guess that’s ok.

    In preparation for my class I purchased my books ahead of time and then read a few chapters into each class before the first week of school – I wanted to be prepared. For my English class I don’t think we even referenced it the whole semester, but it was still good for me.  (more…)