Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: work

  • Making Room for New Ideas

    I haven’t been writing because there are things I want to write about that I can’t post here… and I find that frustrating.

    • I want to write about work, but can’t really, there are people that I work with that read this and we can’t have that. People sometimes take me too seriously and other times not seriously enough. Complaints, ideas, things I like or don’t like
    • I want to write about a volunteer thing I do, but again that’s a confidential thing and I can’t write about it here without violating certain trusts.
    • And one other thing I wanted to write about – a little fiction, but really porn. Can’t really share that here, people are easily offended…

    But the problem is no other stories or ideas were popping into my head, just these three items over and over again. Sadly I can’t get something new to write until I get these out of my head – that’s how it seems to work for me.

    So today I started writing the porn story and it’s much longer than I anticipated, and I’m really enjoying it… lol… well yes, the sexual nature of it, but I’m also really enjoying the story telling part.  It’s an old fantasy of mine involving a barber, but it’s also much more detailed than I think I usually tell of stories… not the sexual parts but the feelings and emotions, scents and textures of the shop. Honestly there were three pages before anyone got naked.

    Usually when I’m telling a story I think – “they’re going to get bored, this has been going on too long” but not with this story, it just seems to be flowing well and kept me wanting to write more.

    But I reached a point tonight where I can’t quite figure out how to get what I want out of it. It’s like the classic cheesy porn – what’s a good reason for the pizza boy to need to take off his shirt, thats kind of where I”m at, trying to figure out a reason and a smooth transition. It’s an interesting conundrum and giving me lots to think about.

    Mostly the writing has freed up my mind and a new story has popped in, that makes me happy as it’s been a few weeks since something new had been rattling around up there. So over this week I’ll maybe make the time to write about the other two things as well and just keep them to myself – that’s a new thing for me and I don’t really like to do it, but they need to go so I can make room for new ideas.

    A day of writing is just what the doctor ordered.

  • 2014 Better Than I Imagined

    So much happened this year I’m having difficulty believing it all fit in 365 days.

    AA:

    I started work with a new sponsor, Flo. Did another 4th and 5th Step. Sought his advice and direction in many things I’ve never asked a sponsor before, and its really changed who I am. Tonight at my meeting it was on Step 12 (Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs) and just reflecting on the step work this year and my willingness I think I finally feel some of that “joy” we talk about – I still think it’s a bit overrated, but maybe I’ll get used to it.

    I sponsored 4 guys this year – one of them moved back to WI (Matthew); one of them got drunk again (Zack) and then sobered up again; one of them has been sober longer than I (Mark); and one of them just kind of disappeared (Jordan).  Each of them helped me tremendously this year and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to share with them (even if sometimes they don’t listen). The very first sponsee I ever had (David) passed away and I was with my current sponsor when I received the news. (more…)

  • Football, Chickens and Jedi Knights

    For weeks we practice – we meet and discuss our game plan, our strategy. We go over in minute detail what our goal is going to be for the upcoming game – how can we keep the ball moving forward and reach the end zone?  Reviewing past games where things didn’t go so well, listening to excuses for why the ball was fumbled and nodding to assurances it won’t happen again. You’re prepared, the coach gave the pep talk, the players are anxious to get started.

    You line up on the field – everyone on their toes ready to go. You do the hard count:

    32 – 57 – Left – HUT HUT

    You watch, seemingly in slow motion as the ball leaves the center and you grip it in your fingers… pull back to  look downfield. (more…)

  • Pain For Too Long

    I feel proud, manly, strong – probably stupidly so, but I do – when after the examination the doctor says

    “I usually only see patients with this in the ER! And you’ve had this for a MONTH?!?!”  

    I can’t help it, I want to say

    “HELL yeah I have! fuckin’ right man!”

    But then sanity clicks in and looks back at the constant pain, uncomfortableness, lack of sleep and the like and I realize I probably should have just gone to the ER when it first happened. I did go to the walk-in clinic twice for the same condition before finally going to the ENT, so at least there is progress.

    (more…)

  • The New Old Job

    A friend was reading the blog recently and tonight asked if I had gotten a new job in education, he had heard me talk about my job in an insurance agency but didn’t see it anywhere on the blog… I really hadn’t realized that I forgot to write about it. Technically I wrote about interviewing for the new old job back in the post Job Hunting – that’s right I somehow passed their personality test! woo hoo!!!

    The job is at an insurance agency, I wasn’t sure then what that meant but I was pretty sure it was your typical office job. Most of the places you interview at tell you the same things “this is a hard job” “we expect you to show up on time” “we need good workers that follow all the rules” and then make you watch videos from the mid 80s staring all the best shoulder pad clothes a person could hope to see at once… Fortunately I didn’t have to watch any of those videos for this job.

    First let me say I’ve been working in offices for 20 odd years, I’m good at it, people really like me and are amazed at the work I can produce – not trying to pat myself on the back here, that’s what employers have told me. But in all honesty these jobs have bored me – almost every day at those jobs I found I had enough time to do the job adequately in under 5 hours and spend the rest of the day doing whatever I might want to do – Facebook, solitaire and mine craft (back in the early Windows days) or whatever, it wasn’t a challenge at all. What I’ve found at my new job, and I’ve told them – is not having any free time at all, my day is spent getting the work done and as a result my days just fly by. I love that I love that so much. I’m challenged. Now that sounds awful doesn’t it? No time to relax or goof around? Well I still manage to stick my tongue out at my supervisor for no reason, talk to my cube mate about shopping or hear about a coworkers wife. It’s just that the isn’t just entering a bunch of data and waiting for more, or sending out the invoices and then leaving early – my days are full and it’s a good thing. (more…)

  • Rage

    *I don’t know why but this was stuck in my head and had to get out*

    Another long day at the office, he missed the sun again – in before the crack of dawn and out after sunset, and for what? So that asshole boss can point out his shortcomings again and again. If that supervisor had come to his desk one more time he would have throttled him. There’s got to be a better way to make money, there just has to… been at this job for ten years now, think they could treat him better.

    At least the commute home has less traffic at this hour, the last thing he needed was to sit in that shit for hours – horns blaring, idiots shifting lanes back and forth like that extra inch is going to get them any further.

    The bills are still piling up, even with this extra over time. The wife’s going to be nagging on him again about needing more for this or more for that. Who knew feeding three kids could be so expensive – especially the teenager, and now she has a car – jacked the insurance rates right up, never mind additional gas and worrying about her – always damn texting and talking on that expensive phone. both of them could get a job that paid something instead of their lazy ass part time jobs… probably won’t even be dinner on the table when I get home

    The radio station keeps playing the same tunes over and over or it’s commercials, all the damn stations have commercials on at the same time – where’s the good rocking tunes that he really needs to help him unwind after that shit day?  Back when he was a kid there was good music, not this crap they play all the time today – what he’d pay for a good station that knew what to play and when. But nah, they’ll try to sell us more crap and different cars that are all crap and cheap manufactured music that makes him want to vomit, fuck where are the good tunes?!?

    That asshole is right on his bumper and the lights glaring in the rearview, did he just flash his high beams? Fuckin’ asshole, I do not need your shit today – he thinks.  He starts to speed up, just to get out of that guys reach, some people are just assholes.

    The car keeps up with him, flashes it’s high-beams again and again at him. He taps on his brakes, that’ll teach that mother fucker, he thinks. Then he hears the horn and the brights are on him again… son of a bitch  – he seethes, knock it off fucker

    For miles this continues and the hate just brews inside him, the fury grows to the point of no return, he opens the glove box and draws out the pistol – this fucker is going to pay, and pay good, he states.

    He slams on his brakes and jumps out. The car behind him comes up just short, tires screeching, he pays not attention and goes straight for the drivers window, raises his pistol and pulls the trigger

     

    BLAM

     

    And in a brief moment before the noise can even register in his brain he sees his daughters face on the other side of the glass – horror stricken then shattered glass.

  • New Sponsor, New Work

    I’ve asked a guy here to be my sponsor. I heard him talk at a Sunday meeting I attend and could relate to his story quite a bit. He mentioned his home group – a big book step study – and invited us to join him there on Wednesdays. This was right before Xmas and when I thanked him for his share after the meeting I asked where to find it.

    Two weeks later I found myself at the Wednesday night Big Book Study and they were on step 9 – the lead referenced the book, the participants did too and it was a good meeting. There was even talk of traditions and a reading from a pamphlet.

    The group puts on a retreat in April, I went to the committee meeting about it and became intrigued. The next week i heard they were going to have a business meeting/group conscience so I went to that to help decide – it was then that I decided to make it my home group. I volunteered to be the Grapevine rep and joined a Traditions breakfast committee that we’re putting on in April.

    I’m excited to be a part of this group.

    I met the guy I asked to be my sponsor on Saturday morning to see if we both thought it would work out. We met for an hour and a half and chatted about all kinds of things. He has some different takes on things than I’m used to but I’m willing to listen and open to change. He has what I want – a knowledgable calm… best way I can describe it.

    He says we’re going to look at the steps together around “the big three” in my life right now… and my job is to identify them so we can begin… scary, interesting and challenging to me and foreign ….

    We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to change and grow.

     

  • 10 Days of Whine

    My 42nd year is coming to an end. In ten days it’s my birthday… I don’t really want to be anything except 42, I liked it. After all 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything…  I guess all things must change or die – hard choice that one. I think I’ll be 42.A for this birthday, I’ll ask my math friends (I have some, really I do) if there are clever mathematic equations that look cooler than 42.A.

    Typically for my birthday I would head to a warm destination, sit by a pool and do nothing. Now I live in a warm destination (supposedly – it’s only 46 out this morning) and I don’t know anyone with a heated pool. I’m not flying anywhere, not likely having any fancy meals or doing anything.  In past years instead of gifts I’ve asked for people to donate to charity, sometimes I even picked the charity to give for my birthday. I had all I needed and there seemed little need for more things.

    Now though, it’s been tough. I’m struggling financially, juggling things around and stressing out about it – I’m not supposed to do that anymore ( fear of economic insecurity will leave us ) and I know I can get rid of that fear, but it seems I keep asking and it’s still there. I’m taking action about the money thing – trying to find other income streams and cutting back on costs of a few things I can live without. I’m weighing all my options which is going to lead to more change before too long.

    There was a leak in my patio door and rain seeped into my bedroom – half the carpet was wet when I awoke the next morning. Every article of clothing in the bedroom closet was wet. Several books I had out are warped from the moisture. For four days a blower was in my room drying things out. Yesterday they came and cleaned the carpets, now the carpet was wet the entire bedroom. I’ve had fans blowing in there all night and I slept on the couch for the fifth night. I’m going to have to rewash everything and take the dress clothes to the dry cleaner again.

    I’m letting someone else’s fear and paranoia affect me and make me paranoid and distrustful and damn if that isn’t a horrible place to be. It’s contagious and I’m acting on those fears out of instinct. Fear is not a nice place to live and I don’t like having it around me. I think about when I was drinking and using, how I’d go to bed at night (or early morning) and just lie there thinking about all the horrible things that were coming to pass or that I had done and just lie there not sleeping . I don’t have that, the fear isn’t that bad I can still go to bed and in moments fall blissfully asleep, for which I’m thankful. But I find myself dwelling more than I should about the future, the present and people that I have no control over. 

    The cost of the recent dental procedure wasn’t covered by my dental insurance at all, I wish Obamacare would have effected all insurances, so I had to do a dental credit plan with them. The recent surgery I’ve only gotten a bill for $20 so far, I hope that’s it but I bet that too will be bigger before to long.

    I’m still new here, but at meetings several people in recent weeks have come up to me and talked to me like I’m a newcomer… I’m patient with them and listen intently to their suggestions about how to stay sober. A part of me wonders why they can’t tell that I’ve been around a long time – it’s the fear I think. It’s the worry that I show on my face, newcomers have fear all the time, but I’m not supposed to. There is a guy, Chris, that goes to meetings that I do and he brings his Big Book with him, (refreshing change) and he reads along when they read HIW or the Promises and he reads when people annoy him, lol, I need to bring my book but I fear I’d read it all  through the meeting. I’m still looking for a “Home Group”, I get close sometimes, but I haven’t found that meeting that I really want to be at yet.. I miss my DC home group and those folks quite a bit.

    So it’s almost my birthday, please send money, job opportunities, or a rich handsome man my way (he could even have bad breath and chew his toenails).

  • Thomas Road

    it’s 40 now not 35
    it’s 40 now not 35
    i don’t know why you can’t drive
    it’s 40 now not 35
     
    the sign is back there
    look, there’s another
    it went up back there 
    oh brother
     
    why are you slowing down?
    WTF, WTF, WTF
    i can’t get around (more…)

  • Are There Options?

    When I started my first factory job I was 18, I didn’t do too well in school – drinking and drugging kept me out of class and unable to care – and factory jobs seemed the logical choice to feed my addictions. I was fired from a job where I worked at plastic molding injection machines I think because I was often late and fell asleep in the lunch room too long a few times. Another job I left for another job and that’s how that goes… when you’re young and stupid. Somehow or other I ended up in Winona MN at a silkscreen printing company, they printed on plastic bottles and I was a catcher – I would catch the bottles as they came off the conveyor belt, inspect them for ink in the wrong places (meaning there was a hole in one of the screens) and pack them nice and tight in boxes – a very easy job to do and the mechanics who set the screens were not too happy with my vision – I could see the tiniest of spots that didn’t belong – for a brief time back then I was wearing bifocals.

    8066692-cog-wheels-work-pattern-seamless-by-vertical[I’m sitting here at the computer trying to figure out how I got to those jobs back in the late 80s… I didn’t have a car or a license and they weren’t right across the street – I actually can’t recall where Northern Engraving was but I remember where the other one was but can’t recall the name – the longer time goes the less I can retain I guess]

    Those jobs paid well for the time and place and each job paid a little more than the other. When I had been there 3 months they’d offer me health care and i’d start to accumulate vacation and such… and I think I’d get a little raise to help offset the cost of those benefits. Now my memory isn’t what it used to be – see the little side note above, but I think that makes a hell of a lot of sense…. Hell it’s even more sense for a company to pay for health insurance for all their employees – keep them well and they’ll be able to work harder, longer, better… right? (more…)