55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer
I’ve talked a bit about EMDR therapy and today during therapy I cried… not bawling, just some tears. I can manage to hold back and just let tears fall, if I could stop that I would.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. We focus on the trauma and then either move your eyes or have other stimulation that uses both sides of your brain… I’m not describing it well here. ugh. (more…)
It’s been a little over five months since I published my story “Walking Away from AA” where I talked about my decision to leave Alcoholics Anonymous after almost 22 years. I stated then that I didn’t have a desire to drink, but I had a desire to be more honest and truthful with all aspects of my life.
Being sober – living a life without drugs or alcohol – is for me. It’s a cheaper life, more enjoyable and less messy… things I need and want. Belief in a “higher power” or “faking it until I make it” aren’t for me, I can’t live that lie anymore. I gave it a fair shot – lying for AA, lol.
So what’s changed really? (more…)
A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.
Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.
I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.
I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.
A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.
and I woke up
I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work… (more…)
I can’t remember if I ever voted when I was drinking, 18 – 23… can’t imagine why I would have bothered to. But I’ve voted in every election since I sobered up in 1994. Voted once or twice for a Republican in a local race if I thought they were the better candidate… would again too.
This election though I don’t know if I even want to. I was very excited when Bernie was in the race – it reminded me of the hope and energy of Barack when he first launched. I wanted… I want more change in Washington and even though the road for President Obama was met with obstacle after obstacle he still got major things done that have given me opportunities I otherwise wouldn’t have. I do believe that most of the hate he faced is a race thing – they say it’s not but that’s certainly what it looks like… if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …
I wouldn’t vote for Trump for sure… I mean the guys a loud mouth racist… and apparently half the country wants that in a President. He’s not the guy for me though – I like intelligent, caring people that want to move the country forward. I think he’s more of a “look at me, aren’t I cool” kind of guy… and I think the country has enough of those already. (more…)
I’m going to post this regularly and watch as it grows until we have sensible guns laws.
Source: Gun Violence Archive
I use writing as a tool to get things out of my head – ideas, conjecture, stories and memories. I can’t seem to move on from one of these things rattling around in my brain until I set it down on paper. Sometimes it’s just drivel, sometimes it’s quite beautiful – at least to me. I’ve been having a rough couple of days and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to get this out there. But lack of sleep and the flashing of the incident keep bothering me. I’m hoping this will help me to get better, to recover and move on. This is selfish, I understand, but I need to be me again and I’m impatient.
My co-worker and friend Andre was a French Canadian. You could hear the accent especially when you would talk to him for a while. It was just precious the way he would say “pardon” or even “yes”. He would call our mutual friend Guy “Gi” and myself he would call “Jamie”. (more…)
I happen to be gay.
I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. I didn’t wake up one day and decide “hey let’s be ostracized and hated for the people we love” – I just have always been this way. I happen to like the way I am. Most people know I’m gay, I don’t hide the fact that I like men. I am not overly flamboyant or girlie nor do I wear lots of rainbows, dresses or sparkly clothing – neither do the men I like.
I am not the stereotypical gay male – most of us aren’t the characters you’ve come to know and love on TV or in movies – we’re just ordinary people who happen to love other ordinary people. Some of us ARE more fabulous than others but the same could be said about straights as well. We are all unique and we all have a right to love whom we want – gay or straight, male or female, binary or non-binary… love is love. (more…)
I’ve chatted a little bit about being on a medication recently for my depression. I’ve always had a depression of some sort, the intensity varied in waves that I was able to navigate through. Until this last fall when it was as if a tidal wave struck me down and the undercurrent was helping me to drown. (Read here: Lost) . This post may be NSFW.
At the direction of my primary doctor I started to take an anti-depressant in late December (he actually suggested I take it in October, I asked him for the script in early December and finally took one at the end of the year). This happened for a few reasons:
A hit of acid can change the world. Everything is brighter, crisper and more defined – you notice variances of color that your eyes would just pass over before. The whole world is a new place that you want to explore and experience. Anything that is normally dull and boring is suddenly the most relevant thing in existence – and the previously wonderful are indescribable. A trip made everything better than alright and nothing could ever stop how that felt (time apparently does 😉 ). That doesn’t include the non-stop smiling or the ability to not feel alcohol’s effects until the trip has ended. I really enjoyed LSD when I could get it and wasn’t committed to a life of sobriety (one day at a time).
On the flip side, the dark side, in sobriety and real life – depression is the opposite. (more…)
