I’ve talked a bit about EMDR therapy and today during therapy I cried… not bawling, just some tears. I can manage to hold back and just let tears fall, if I could stop that I would.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. We focus on the trauma and then either move your eyes or have other stimulation that uses both sides of your brain… I’m not describing it well here. ugh.

From Wikipedia:

Phase IV Desensitization

During the reprocessing phases of EMDR therapy, the client focuses on the disturbing memory in multiple brief sets of about 15–30 seconds. Simultaneously, the client focuses on the dual attention stimulus, which consists of focusing on the trauma while the clinician initiates lateral eye movement or another stimulus such as a pulsing light held in each hand, or tapping on the knees.^[34] Following each set, the client is asked what associative information was elicited during the procedure. This new material usually becomes the focus of the next set or another aspect of the memory may be guided by the clinician. This process of personal association is repeated many times during the session.^[34] This process continues until the client no longer feels as distressed when thinking of the target memory.

For me, I hold and focus on two pulsing doodads that alternate right to left and in my mind focus on what it is that we are dealing with. I have a particular thing that is in my past that I want to focus on, but we’re working on getting there. We’ve focused on a few things so far and it seems to help.

Today we finished up on something and started a new thing. My mother. I really didn’t think it would be a thing at all – I just mentioned it during our first meeting so he’d have some back ground… but I cried anyway. First time I’ve cried with the therapy doc…

Cried a little more when I got home… it’s stupid. I hate tears, I hate crying, I don’t like feeling weak. So I wrote a little poem, might work on it some more

Decades
Tears
Eyes sting with tears
Chest tight to fight
didn’t want me
Or need me

Not good enough
Or valuable
Thrown away
She still smiled
Seemed happier
Without the burden of me

I didn’t expect the tears
After all these years
Emotions buried underneath
Solid rock, my foundation of stone
Destined to be left, alone

Describing my childhood
With just two words
“Damaged goods”
An obstacle to her serenity
There was no need for me

Why do I carry this burden still
Thought left behind set apart
Just buried deep within my heart

It doesn’t help me now to feel this way
Emotions ruin every day
I’d rather forget the neglect
The lack of care
Her corpses stare

Memories blocked out
All the good times
were there ever any to find?
I feel the pain, remember the fears
Just thinking about it
after all these years

She gave us all away, didn’t want us anymore. I haven’t thought much about it in years. Guess everything affects us.

More work to be done on me.