I’ve chatted a little bit about being on a medication recently for my depression. I’ve always had a depression of some sort, the intensity varied in waves that I was able to navigate through. Until this last fall when it was as if a tidal wave struck me down and the undercurrent was helping me to drown. (Read here: Lost) . This post may be NSFW.

At the direction of my primary doctor I started to take an anti-depressant in late December (he actually suggested I take it in October, I asked him for the script in early December and finally took one at the end of the year). This happened for a few reasons:

• I assumed it would go away like all the times before
• that sense of impending doom that nothing can make it better, a little pill can’t possibly help
• fear that it would change me
• fear that it wouldn’t change me
• fear of ostracization from AA friends
• and that sense of welcoming the dark feelings, reveling in the comfortable dark

The specific drug is Citalopram (a generic version of Celexa). The results, to me, have been pretty amazing. I had to wait for it to take effect a few weeks – the first few days it was like I was on speed and it was disconcerting. In the beginning I was scatter-brained, cheery for no reason and full of energy. Now it’s not that at all, it’s different.

There has always been this edge that I’ve felt, a tenseness that I’ve always had to secure myself against crossing. That thing you have that makes you snap…. it was always there and always ready to pull back the tightness  and just let me go haywire. I don’t know how else to describe that… a line I dared not cross, but I was always tempted to do so.

Now there is a general sense of happiness that I don’t seem to ever recall having before (like ever). That line/edge I describe is dulled, blurred in static… it’s there, I can still sense it but it’s been dampened. Not very much makes me the angry young man (I might need to update that to the angry old man) and I can’t hold a resentment to save my life…

It’s like a window opened up and there’s fresh air suddenly for the first time ever… very cliché. Sorry.

There are some side-effects that I’m not fond of. Like the complete lack of a sex drive. I’ve never really had a strong one, but now it’s gone. Can’t even get excited on the possibility of seeing a hot guy for fun. I used to look at porn and get an erection instantly or sometimes even the right man just passing by that super sexy Canon repair man who was at the office… (boy you should see him…mmmmmmm and he was wearing a Deadpool hoodie) … but now I have to really try to get one and then it’s not very fun… I don’t think we evolved just so we would have to work at getting a boner… these things just come naturally and rightly so… lol

The medication though makes me not care so much, like I’m apathetic about it… oh well, you can’t get excited about men… nothing from little Jamez… not even a twitch and then I move on and do some work… or read or sleep.

There is also the random insomnia – which I’m attributing to the medication. I’m tired all day and then get home and crash around 10 or 11 only to find myself wide awake at 1 or 3… I lie there and try some mindfulness meditation (used to work wonders) and wonder if I have the energy to try to jack off – that should put me to sleep, but I don’t have the energy… or desire to do even that.

I don’t care though, I rather like how I’m feeling at present and would like it to keep on.

But there have been a few changes besides medication recently – I left AA. That’s a big deal to a lot of folks and they’re worried about me and will miss me and stuff. (I’ve never really had that feeling of “missing” someone so I can’t relate, but I appreciate it I think). I am looking into this other recovery called LifeRing, it’s secular recovery and I think that would work for me.

sec·u·lar
ˈsekyələr/Submit
adjective
1.denoting attitudes, activities, or other things that have no religious or spiritual basis.

There aren’t LifeRing meetings here in Phoenix but I might start one as I still think the AA idea of “fellowship” is important even if I’m not a big fan myself.

Because all of this is going on I thought I’d seek out additional help… so I’m seeing a psychologist. He’s cute (not that it matters currently) and it’s nice to have eye candy if you’re going to talk to someone regularly. We met today for the first time and did some history of me stuff… On his book shelf he has a 2nd edition Big Book prominently displayed, with dog-eared corners an everything. He did suggest the AA thing works for many people who don’t believe and I nodded at him but didn’t respond really… So we’re going to talk and explore and see what’s ticking inside.

This isn’t the first time I’ve sought out professional help – I did so in the early 00s when I was having some dizzy spells, it was shortly before 9/11 and was helpful to me dealing with some parent stuff I didn’t know I was dealing with. Then again after my engagement ended, I was pretty pissed off and couldn’t get out of it… a professional helped me and I quit going after 3 sessions, lol He was a good guy too, but I was ok and moving on.

I guess I want to make sure I’m ok and on the right track. I’ve never been a fan of taking a daily medication and frowned at other people who did do so… something old-timer AA’s instilled in me when they didn’t think I was listening.

Evolving isn’t a fast process for anyone and it never seems to be an easy process for me. I’m content … well, I’m probably happy… and I don’t want to change that if it can be avoided. So I’m taking another journey into myself with a new guide to see what’s in there and how much of me is defined by stupid things. I’ve done some of this work with a sponsor and I don’t really have secrets from anyone, just seeking outside help to see if it makes a difference.

See you on the outside.