Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • Winnipeg – No Really

    In the bowels of Undercity Noq stood behind a cauldron of eldritch energy, and arcane vapors stirring a concoction that he’d been sold by a wiry goblin who made wild claims about it being able to accomplish the impossible – teleport him to a far off land called Winn e Peg. Noq’s friends (Grokus, Salthair, Kerrig, Gopello, Spanky and yes, even the retched Paladin Galahad) had been stranded in this desolate section of Northrend for a month now and he might be the only one who could save them. He began to chant the ancient words and felt his robe start to billow around him  and the northern energies start to boil in his veins. 

    “Winn e Peg, Eh Winn e Peg, Eh?” he repeated over and over until a flash of blue light and then he screamed the final words “Blue Bombers, Eh?” and he mystically appeared in a strange land where he knew his friends were being held. 

    To be honest I had planned to visit Winnipeg last fall but life got in the way so it was postponed, almost indefinitely. Thankfully I found a time that worked with the bosses schedule and got me there when both Grokus (Nathan) and Salty (Dale) didn’t have to work.

    I flew out Thursday morning from DCA to MSP an uneventful trip that allowed me to watch two episodes of Breaking Bad. My ticket for the second leg of the trip said my little commuter plane was boarding right after we landed so I rushed to the other side of the airport only to find that we didn’t board for another 20 minutes or so – sigh, that’s a short flight anyway, about an hour I think.

    When I arrived at the customs desk in Canada it went like this:

    Customs Agent: What brings you to Canada?

    Me (that’s what I call myself Me): I’m here to meet friends I’ve never met.

    Customs Agent: What? How is that again? How did you become friends if you’ve never met?

    Me (that’s what I sing if I’m doing scales do ra meeeeeeeee): We play video games together and have been good friends for about 6 years now and I decided to come visit them.

    Customs Agent: You’ll have to talk to my supervisor.

    Me (ME is for Maine, another place I should visit): uh, what?

    Customs Agent: Just step into that room sir.

    So trying to explain to someone that you have real friendships with people that you’ve never met is odder then you might think. In the end the customs agent let me enter Canada and I jetted off to my hotel – after I converted some money $60 US = $50 Canadian and a handful of change. I’m not entirely sure if there is a Canadian $1 bill, if there is I never saw one, I always had a pocket of change that included $1 coins and $2 – the “Toonie”, which despite it’s name didn’t have any cartoon characters on it at all, but looked like one coin inset another coin.

    I arrived at the Fairmont Winnipeg via taxi, nice hotel staff, nice room and a Client hotel. I got a decent rate that included breakfast and it wasn’t too far from my friends. Grokus (his real name is Nathan, but seriously he’s been Grokus for six years and that’s what I call him – he calls me Noq) arrived and it was surreal, it didn’t feel awkward or strange to be meeting this person who didn’t at all look like the avatar he played in the game it felt good to finally be meeting my friend. Then Salty (his character’s name is Salthair and his real name is Dale) arrived in a McDonald’s truck and we went off to dinner – not at McDonald’s but at a nice italian restaurant. The three of us had a great dinner with stimulating conversation about all kinds of things, but not really the game. We talked politics, jobs, families and trips. We ate, some of us more sparingly than others, and drank sodas, and I genuinely had a nice time. Then they drove me around a little bit and showed me some sites near the hotel that I might be interested in looking at the next day before dropping me off and they headed home.

    That night I hooked up the Macbook and entered World of Warcraft to do a couple dungeons with the guild, yes, I honestly flew up to Canada so I could play video games in a hotel – NO! But I had the computer with me and the guild wanted a couple achievements so I said ok.

    Up to this point no one had said “Eh” but I’m not sure if they spend hours each day practicing not saying it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

    No Strangers Here, Only Friends I haven't met.

    Friday morning woke up, had breakfast and then headed out to try to find the Winnipeg Central Office – Their AA Office, where a meeting was going to be at noon. I was given an address but it was a confusing address to me and about three different people that I asked, but I did eventually find it. While trying to find it I got to explore Winnipeg Square, a little downtown underground mall that goes on quite a ways and eventually leads to a skyway that connects to something else that connects to something else that leads to a mall – it’s really smart for Canadian Winters I figure to have the ability to get all those places without having to go outside. Also sent out my postcards.

    It was at the meeting where I was bombarded with people saying “Eh” no other place over the whole weekend did I hear it, but amongst friends of Bill and Bob it was rampant – I’m not sure what that says about members of AA, but I’m sure it means something. Maybe we’ve all watched Strange Brew too many times.

    The meeting was Tradition 8 and most of the folks who shared shared about the tradition and kept there share brief. Even I got to share and I shared my experience with contacting that very Central Office and talking to their professional secretary who answers the phones and emails for members traveling into the city.

    Friday night Salty picked me up at the hotel with one of his boys (Nicholas) and his girlfriend and we went to grab Grokus before heading to the Salthair family home with groceries for the back yard bar-b-cue. At Salty’s I met his lovely wife and two more boys Peter (Gopello – holy crap is he tall) and Ben (Spanky). Kerrig (Ron), who I don’t think is any relation, but I could be wrong, soon showed up as well. We ate lots of burgers and dogs and there was even a good salad before we went down to the man cave to watch the movie “Super“. I will say that I’m not a big fan of Rainn Wilson, but I absolutely enjoyed this movie. I returned to the hotel after one, I think around 1:30… that was a long day.

    Saturday I knew Grokus and Salty were going to be doing there usual stuff before we met up for an afternoon movie, so I turned on Grindr and my other men tracking utilities and found a guy and had a nice morning… 😉

    Grokus came by around 2:30 and we headed to the mall to search for tshirts for me before the movie. We opted to see Fright Night (we did see it in 3D but it was a total waste of money to do so – three instances where I can remember the 3D tech was used well – and one of those three instances was ashes floating around… sigh. Side note: Dear Hollywood, 3D sucks.) with Collin Ferrel who makes a hot vampire, ok, he’d make a hot anything. It was a good movie that all three of us enjoyed.

    The three of us then went to dinner … oh first we stopped to buy pastries at a local bakery, one of which we later discovered had mold growing on it – eewwww … at a burger joint where we met up with Galahad (I think his name is Chris). Salty ate most of my fries because I wasn’t eating them. The four of us headed back to Salty’s to play the board game “Game of Thrones” which I somehow won – no idea how that happened.

    Here’s the rub – wow it was really great to meet everyone, I feel like I’ve already met them just based on the hours we’ve spent playing games online together. Everyone was just like I’d imagined they would be, and that’s likely because they’re such good people and Canadian which is just like being a Wisconsinite but colder. I started playing WoW with local people here in DC that soon after quit playing and fortunately for me I met these guys and became friends. I’ve spent countless hours in a world of fantasy with these guys battling dragons, beating up Alliance scum or attending weddings but I think the best time I’ve spent with them probably has to be this weekend – nah, it’s probably the times we spent leveling up in vanilla wow via pvp battles… but this weekend was a close second! 🙂

    Grokus, Noq and Salthair

  • Hobbling Around

    I made a decision to try to get back to the gym. I hate the gym, really not a fan at all, but I was giving it a shot anyway. I enrolled at Vida and the membership started August 1.

    Monday I started my new routine by going to Spinning Class which was hard, but it was day one and I know it gets better with practice and routine. I still managed to strain my right knee and for the rest of the day and half of Tuesday I was kind of limping around.

    Wednesday morning I thought I would try Step class as I really don’t mind that or spinning so much. The class attendance was small – just three of us, I guess maybe people don’t like Step anymore or like other things more. We had just gotten started, I stepped up and down numerous times and had my knee up a repetitively here and there.

    As I stepped down from a step to the left I knew I had stepped wrong and I heard/felt a “pop/snap” and knew that was going to hurt. I tried to stretch it out but I couldn’t and hobbled my way home. At home I called in sick, iced and raised my leg and just sat there mostly. It’s hard to do much of anything hopping around on one leg.

    Thursday came and it was still pretty painful to walk on it, but I took a cab to work anyway. At the office the boss and other folks convinced me to see a doctor – I’m stubborn and hate going to the doc. I saw a doctor at around 3:30 and he said I’d likely strained my gastrocnemius muscle. Yes, it sounds like a stomach thing but it’s really a leg thing.

    From Wiki:

    In humans, the gastrocnemius (pronounced /ˌɡæstrɒkˈniːmiəs/ or /ˌɡæstrəˈniːmiəs/) muscle, meaning ‘stomach of leg’ (modernLatin, from Greekγαστήρ (gaster) ‘stomach’ and knēmē ‘leg’, referring to the bulging shape of the calf), is a very powerful superficial pennate muscle that is in the back part of the lower leg. It runs from its two heads just above the knee to the heel, and is involved in standing, walking, running and jumping. Along with the soleus muscle it forms the calf muscle. Its function is plantar flexing the foot at the ankle joint and flexing the leg at the knee joint. In a 1967 EMG study, Herman and Bragin concluded that its most important role was plantar flexing in large contractions and in rapid development of tension.

    The gastrocnemius is located with the soleus in the posterior (back) compartment of the leg. The Lateral Head originates from the Lateral Condyle of the femur, while the Medial Head originates from the Medial Condyle of the femur. Its other end forms a common tendon with the soleus muscle; this tendon is known as the calcaneal tendon or Achilles Tendon and inserts onto the posterior surface of the calcaneus, or mountain bone.

    Deep to the gastrocnemius (farther from the skin) is the soleus muscle. Some anatomists consider both to be a single muscle, thetriceps surae. The plantaris muscle and a portion of its tendon run between the two muscles, which is involved in “locking” the knee from the standing and posterior tibial vein and the tibial nerve. Since the anterior compartment of the leg is lateral to the tibia, the bulge of muscle medial to the tibia on the anterior side is actually the posterior compartment. The soleus is superficial midshaft of the tibia. Frequently there is a sesamoid bone called the “fabella” in the lateral head of gastrocnemius muscle.

    So they gave me crutches and I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to the taxi stand where I took one of those home.

    Friday I had a pre-scheduled eye exam as I had broken my glasses during a recent trip to Wisconsin. Gary was kind enough to drive me there and after my appointment I was wheeled to the Metro. I applaud Kaiser for having people available to wheel the mobility challenged to and from public transportation.

    What I found once I got on the Metro to work was that Metro didn’t plan ahead for people who are mobility challenged. The accessible entrance (elevator) for Union Station was at the very end of the platform and the one at Takoma was in the middle of the platform. As I thought about the different stations that I usually use I can recall some that are at the complete opposite end and some staggered along. This makes hobbling along on crutches or rolling along in your wheelchair harder than it has to be. Fortunately for me I wont have to go to the office on until Thursday and can avoid the pitfalls of Metro’s broken escalators, elevators and long distances between elevators.

    I also thought about my meetings and the long staircases that I would have to climb to go to my regular meetings and I just don’t see it happening. I’m going to pop in a few AA speaker CD’s and soak in what I can and make other arrangements with my sponsee so I can avoid his stairway too.

    Anyway, I should only be hobbling around for a week or so and I hope to be traversing DC’s sidewalks like the streetwalker I am before you know it. 😉

  • Too Long Gone

    God I really think I spent too much time in WI recently, Mouse (the cat) would agree with that statement. It’s just really nice to be home in my own bed, with my own shower. *contented sigh*

    Even though I had been in WI only three days before (for a funeral) on Friday I found myself flying back again for my summer trip. Let me tell you the cat was not happy when I pulled out the suitcase again so early after I had put it away – I was scowled at the whole time I packed.

    Big Dreams
    Charlie ready for races

    I had a rather uneventful flight to Minneapolis on Delta followed by a 2 hour van ride to Eau Claire where Pat and Brenda picked me up and drove me to the Eau Claire airport to pick up a rental car… yes, I know that seems silly. I immediately drove to the local Taco John’s and had three soft shell tacos then called Ma and told her I was on my way to Galesville – she let me know supper would be ready about the time I got there… ooops. I arrived home and everyone was there already: Ma, Rhonda, Ken, Uncle Rick, Sheila, Michael, Cory, Danielle and of course my grand nephew Charlie.

    I had a nice weekend at Ma’s that included seeing two old friends from the area that I hadn’t seen in person in over twenty years. I also spent good quality time with everyone at the Trempealeau County Fair Demolition Derby where Michael ran two vehicles in two heats and Cory was there in his capacity of volunteer fireman. Luckily it had cooled off for the demos as it had been pretty hot during the day Saturday.

    Here are a couple videos from the Demolition Derbys:

    The above is from the Lawn Mower Demos – which was too funny

    The above is my nephew Michael in the 85 truck at the Demos

    My Nephew Cory
    My Nephew Cory the Fireman

    As redneck and hick as it seems, I actually enjoyed myself at the demos… don’t tell anyone.

    Tuesday I left Ma’s and spent most of the day with Dawn, Ryan and Amy at Amy’s house. We ate, played games, reminisced and generally had a good time. That night I drove Ryan to Eau Claire before checking into my hotel for the night.

    Wednesday the highlight of the day was seeing Captain America with Pat. We both really liked it especially after the credits. I think it was the best superhero movie of the year even though it was the least appealing to me in the previews.

    Thursday included a Big Book meeting thankfully… I needed that.

    Friday was the first day of the Chippewa Valley Roundup and we heard a good speaker from Anchorage Alaska who kept us entertained while he shared his experience strength and hope. It was also great to see all the Eau Claire Pacific Group folks that I don’t usually get to see too often.

    Saturday I spent the morning with my friend Tina at the spa, each of us received wonderful treatments and then we went off to lunch. Spending time with Tina is always nice, she helps me keep things in perspective. That night we were off to the Round Up again for another speaker and more fellowship. We were also shown a skit before the speaker that was based on CSI that had a few of my friends in it – rather funny stuff.

    Sunday was there before you knew it and we (Pat, Brenda and I) had breakfast with Sammantha before they drove me to the airport and bid me adieu. I arrived there so early that I managed to get a pedicure in the new mini spa that opened up there… that was nice.

    Arriving home on Sunday night was nice…. Home, really happy to be there.

  • Enjoyment

    I really loved this cover of The Amazing Spider-Man #665

    Not only was the cover really cool the story was great.

  • Summer Funeral

    So Grandma passed away on Monday the 11th and I flew home on Wednesday before in case the service was Thursday or Friday and stayed for the weekend. I rented a car from the Minneapolis airport and found myself in line behind the Stockholm Sweden girls team – NO I didn’t take pictures, they were just taking a long time, and no I don’t know what sport, just that they were annoyingly slow in my way. I drove from the airport directly to the most important destination – Taco Johns. Partly because I don’t know how to get to my friends house unless I go through Eau Claire and party cause I love Taco John’s tacos. I think I arrived at Pat and Brenda’s about 10:00 Wednesday night.

    Thursday morning both Pat and Brenda had departed for work and I paid attention to their two dogs before going to Taco Johns for an early lunch. After lunch I walked around downtown Eau Claire, taking photos and doing some shopping, then I stopped for an hour and got a new tattoo on my back (much cheaper in Eau Claire than it is in DC) that says “ZEUS”.

    Then I went to JC Penny’s where I briefly pretended to be interested in window dressings so I could visit with my niece Samantha – always great to see the nieces. Then I went off to Macy’s to do a bit of shopping and found a LOVELY woman, Trudy, who was both entertaining and helpful there. Trudy was one day shy of working at that store for twenty years, and was simply amazing – she sized me up just by looking at me and was pulling out shirts, jackets and slacks faster than I could react. Good customer service and a very nice person.

    Then I headed back to Chippewa Falls to get ready before the Big Meeting – real AA, not that watered down stuff I see here in DC. I was called up during the meeting to share some experience strength and hope as were a few others – my friend Nicholas joked that I must have been the token female called up as everyone was a guy that shared. After the meeting a bunch of guys headed to Perkins, I tagged along and had a bite as well – it’s a nice bit of fellowship.

    Friday I had lunch with a new friend, Jimmy, before heading down to Whitehall for the funeral. It rained most of the day and when I left Eau Claire it was coming down pretty hard. Whitehall is my old stomping grounds, where I attended most of my grade school years and several of my drinking years – it’s always nice to go back and visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there again. I found the Baptist Church easily enough – I don’t even remember us having one back when I was a kid, but there it was right in the back yard of a house where my ex-fiance and my biological father once lived (stories for another time).

    I went in the church and soon discovered my sister Dawn, uncle Joey and aunt Ginger and with them some giant of a lad that I was introduced as a cousin – much to young to be that tall. Soon other relatives would arrive: Amy (sister), Becky (cousin), Ryan (brother), Debbie (aunt) and a whole bunch of folks I’m supposed to know but really have no memory of. Before the service we shared a few memories and caught up a bit – Facebook helps with that stuff but it’s nice to get the little details in person.

    The service was short, not a lot of preaching by the preacher, but he was pretty to look at. Then there was an open mike where anyone could get up and share memories of Grandma. My sister Amy led that followed by Dawn – it was nice that they both brought to my mind times I had forgotten, like listening to old radio shows on cassette tapes (Lone Ranger is the only show I can remember off hand, but there were tons of those), making sock puppets, and writing letters to the editor of the local newspaper. There was some bad singing – mostly because church songs are so boring musically add that to tone deaf singers and well disaster. After the service there were sandwiches, crackers, desserts and drinks before we headed to the cemetery where the VFW was waiting to help us put Grandma in the ground – Grandma was a WAVE during the war and after they gave a 21 gun salute and played Taps (I think it’s Taps correct me if I’m wrong) they gave Grandma’s oldest a folded up flag for her service. That was pretty emotional for all parties involved. In the city of Whitehall my phone only had a good signal in the cemetery – weird. Then we all headed back to the church for a bit before dispersing – I led one of my cousins that I don’t really know to the outskirts of Galesville before heading to my Ma’s.

    At Ma’s I got to spend time with her, my sister Rhonda and here husband Greg, my nephews Michael and Cory and Cory’s wife Danielle. And of course Charlie, my incredibly smart, gifted and cute grand nephew. He’s just such a bundle of fun, and at 2 years of age pretty damn smart I’d say. After everyone had left and it was just Ma, Michael and I it was near enough to bed time that I hit the hay and slept until 5:00 or some ungodly hour and struggled to stay asleep but really – once I’m up, I’m up. Saturday Rhonda, Greg and I went out thrift saling in the Holmen/Onalaska area and before we knew it the day had passed us by and we were back home for some pork from the grill, potatoes from the garden and good conversation. Ma’s recuperating from her knee replacement quickly and everyone seems to be eating healthier or at least less than normal.

    Sunday I took Ma to church where I found there was another preacher that was good eye candy. He preached on ACTS and laws of God and man and sticking to the message, whatever that message might be – at least that’s what I heard. At the service was one of my high school English teachers and I thanked her for being one of the teachers that introduced me to what I love. After the service Ma and I went to breakfast before I left for Eau Claire.

    I stopped at the Whitehall Cemetery to visit Pa and see his stone – which was recently put in. I talked to him for a bit and cried a little bit just thinking about him, missing him and wishing he was still here. When I come home I can still see bits and pieces of him around the house and in the whole family. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that we don’t miss him. The stone is beautiful and I wiped off some old grass clippings and straightened up the flowers. I’ll be sure to stop again next time I pass through town. It is kind of weird to see Ma’s name there when she’s still alive, but hopefully we wont fill in the date after the dash for a good long time.

    Once I arrived at Pat and Brenda’s Pat and I decided to hit a movie, Horrible Bosses, which we really liked. Then Samantha came over and the four of us went to dinner and Dairy Queen and then watched Rango at the house. It’s nice to spend time with them – even when they’re more obsessed with the iPad than any human should be. 😉

    Monday I left the Chippewa Valley around 10:30 for the Cities and then flew home, arriving close to 9:00 thanks to a ride from the Boss who also flew back into BWI last night.

    So I’ll be home for a few days before I head back to the Midwest for my scheduled trip on Friday.

  • Singing with Star

    Growing up I was always surrounded by music. At every family gathering there would be singing by the adults and the kids. My mother would often be asked to come up on stage and sing at bars or at the town festival beer tents. Us kids would often put on shows for our parents or uncles and aunts if they would let us. One of my aunts tried to get me interested in playing the piano and my grandmother often tried to teach me to play the guitar.

    My grandmother, Star, would play guitar, sing and she wrote many songs about her life and the lives of those around her. One particular song “Sawmill Mans Wife” was a childhood favorite, I don’t recall the lyrics, but I do recall that the last time I heard her play it my aunt Ginger cried – so perhaps the lyrics weren’t happy memories. I hope someone managed to save her lyrics and music.

    I was fortunate enough to live with my Grandmother for a few years when I was a teenager and I think she picked up her guitar almost every day, and if not the guitar then the dulcimer, the accordion or would just be humming away. Music seemed to be the center of every moment for her. If she was doing woodworking on her walking sticks, or on a new guitar she’s be whistling away or singing an old song that had special importance for her.

    Songs that I probably wouldn’t have been exposed to otherwise I learned about from my grandmother, songs by Ernest Tubb, Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, and most importantly her songs.

    We would accompany Grandmother to camp sites where they were protesting nuclear power or whatever and Grandma would get up on stage and sing protest songs, popular songs and sometimes some of us would get on stage and sing with her. My sister and I once got into an argument live on stage about the right way to sing Barbara Mandrell’s “Crackers” – I think I was doing most of the arguing – Dawn understood that the show must go on and kept singing, I understood that I was going to grow up and be a drama queen.

    I can easily recall images of my grandmother strumming her guitar, singing at a campfire, or at home. Most of those are good memories that I can cherish for all time. Music has been one of those things that can make me feel better no matter what – thanks Grandma.

  • Men Behaving Badly – Las Vegas

    About eight years ago I was looking into moving to Las Vegas – no snow, lots of opportunities, lots of new housing. During a few of the visits out there I would check out AA meetings (which were pretty good) and modify my online profiles (gay men meet up sites) to let guys know I would be in the area.

    Before one particular visit I met a guy online who lived out there and we started up conversations leading up to my visit getting the small chat out-of-the-way. He had a nice looking photo and didn’t come across as an axe murderer – a good sign in my book. We arranged to go to dinner and the movies when I got into town, it was opening weekend for the Matrix Reloaded and I really wanted to see it. He agreed to pick me up at my hotel – so about 15 minutes before he was to arrive (I do these things to myself all the time – why do I wait 15 minutes before an event? not one clue, but I do it for almost everything) I was outside enjoying comfortable weather in Las Vegas.

    When he pulled up on time in an old beat up collector type convertible (I don’t know car brands, models and crap) I wondered if he was running late and had his father come to pick me up for him – he appeared much older than his photographs online. But he assured me it was him and then explained that those photos were about 10 years old. *sigh* Now you might think this is an uncommon occurrence, surely most people have a current photo on their online profile, but I’ve found numerous profiles with this same issue. This was also not the worst part of the date.

    The conversation on the way to the movies was good, he didn’t frighten me with erratic driving, nor scream at the other drivers even though I wanted to. Sure he looked older than the photograph, but he seems like a genuinely nice man. So when we picked our seats in the movie and he smiled at me before the lights went down I thought this might have potential. Then it happened….

    His cell phone rang. Wow, I hate when I forget to turn off my cell phone in a movie and I get all embarrassed… probably nerves from the first date I think… but no – he starts to have a conversation on the phone during the movie. Yes, the conversation was brief, yes he was quiet, but several people glanced back at us and I really wanted to move several seats away from him. What seemed to me to be an eternity of him talking on his cell phone finally came to an end and he said “Work” with a half-smile, like that was supposed to make it all better.

    So having been distracted from a movie I was just starting to enjoy I took some time in my head to go over the incident and thought perhaps he only had the conversation because he had forgotten to turn the cell phone off and was a bit flustered. This wasn’t a black mark on the date, people make mistakes and he probably wouldn’t do this again. But sure enough, twenty minutes later his cell phone rang again and he had one more conversation with – what I’m sure was the same person from before.

    After the movie I ask him to return me to my hotel, he asks if I’m sick or something or if he’d done something wrong. I stare at him aghast that he doesn’t know how rude his behavior was and I figure if he can’t figure that out on his own then my telling him certainly wont help.

    Now I’ve been to the movies with doctors, lawyers, judges, EMTs and they’ve all managed to put their communication devices on vibrate and a few times have left the movie to respond to an emergency – but this guy, he managed a hotel and couldn’t be bothered.

     

    REASONS THERE WAS NEVER A SECOND DATE:

    #1 PHOTO OVER 2 YEARS OLD ON HIS PROFILE

    #2 TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE DURING THE MOVIE – TWICE

     

  • Naked Truth

    Two of my favorite things to do on vacation are sun-bathing and swimming in the nude. Not at the YMCA or the community pool, I go to places where it’s perfectly legal to shuck off my clothes and just lie around in the buff. It’s freeing, relaxing and truthfully feels really good. Yes, all the important parts have several layers of SPF, I wouldn’t want to burn something I had plans to use later. I’m not a gym rat, don’t have six-pack abs or sculpted pecs – I’m just an average guy with love handles, but I’m perfectly comfortable in my own skin and have no reservations when it comes to taking it all off.

    I’ve been to several “clothing optional” resorts in Ft Lauderdale and one in Palm Springs, most of them are male only, but a couple would have allowed women to also run around nude – never happened while I was there. While at one of the resorts the local health inspectors came to do a tour of the facility and one of them was a woman. Each resort is a little different in design and those who are attracted to the place. One place I stayed at in Ft Lauderdale targeted couples, another mature men; most though are just clothing optional guest houses that cater to gay men.

    Almost without exception (the exception is the one place I stayed in Palm Springs) very few guests actually partake in the “Clothing Optional” part of the resort. Guys who DO have six-pack abs, sculpted muscles galore  with glistening golden skin that makes your mouth water – nope, they keep their trunks on. Even at night these guys, and yes, some of them are just average looking fellows and some have bigger tits than Dolly Parton, keep their trunks on. It boggles my mind.

    I don’t even need them to take off their trunks for any kind of sexual satisfaction – I just can’t grasp why you wouldn’t go naked if you could. It’s like going to Amsterdam and not smoking pot or hash while your there (I’m practicing sobriety so that would be a no-no, but I had ever gone when I was still using and it was perfectly legal there I damn sure would have) and even suggested to a boss a few years ago that she be sure to try hash if she never had during her trip there. You’ve booked a room for a few days at a clothing optional resort, but you keep your junk all confined – ridiculous.

    During one stay down there, another person that liked being naked checked in during my stay – he was a senior citizen and most of us watched him walk to his room with the bellman. When he came out wrapped in his towel I was glad that another person wasn’t shy. Not only wasn’t he shy, he was a close talker and sidled up next to you whenever he struck up a conversation. He chatted with everyone and it was the exact same each time. It was uncomfortable, not because he was naked – that would have been ok, but rather due to one of his testicles being the size of a softball. It was the elephant in the living room, we all were kind of looking at it without looking at it and when he was sidled up next to us and chatting away we were doing whatever we could to not look at it and find a way to get away politely. So, yeah, OK, in that circumstance maybe staying in your trunks could be advisable, but he was probably very happy to have that nut hanging free in the breeze and the pool.

    I know there are naked gay camp sites, but I’m reluctant to go to such a place – I’ve never been a fan of camping. Give me a nice clean pool, a lawn chair and some SPF 30 and that’s all I need.

  • A Heifer for Heffner #heifer4heffner

    Tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. It was something I was really looking forward to, an event that brought me happy tears just planning it with someone I thought loved me. We had picked gorgeous flowers, a novelty cake, a quaint church with stunning views of San Francisco’s Bay Bridge (if the fog would have allowed), sappy music, dancing, delectable food… yep, we were going to go all out and celebrate our love for one another with our closest friends and family. But two months before the wedding he dumped me with no explanation and no goodbye.

    Cold Hearted – Written by Zac Brown and Nic Cowan

    Fell to my knees with a knife in my back,
    Never thought you’d be the kind to do something like that,
    But you did
    Cold hearted

    You talked so sweet, and your smell it made me weak,
    And I fell so fast that I never thought to ask
    If you were
    Cold hearted

    While planning the wedding we had some debate about a gift registry and I wanted donations sent to Heifer International, a great non-profit that provides animals and training of how to raise those animals to needy communities in all parts of the world. It’s pretty smart idea “teach a man to fish” and all that… The former betrothed was adamantly opposed to this idea as a vegetarian (er, sorry pescatarian – someone who eats some animals [fish] ) as these needy people would just wait for the volunteers to leave and then butcher the animal for food. I tried to reason with him and show him the documented evidence on the website, but he was stubborn and adamant about it. One of many reasons people think I probably dodged a bullet by not marrying him.

    An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    I want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do
    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted

    Pretty little words covered your dark and crooked heart
    With a forked tongue I fell in love,
    Then I fell apart
    You are so
    Cold hearted

    Since he called off the wedding and I still have a resentment festering inside (yes, I am indeed poking it with a stick several times a day). I’ve decided to buy a Heifer through Heifer International to benefit some needy community. I urge you to also, it’s a great opportunity to help end world hunger. If you want to take the special time to honor my not getting married check out Heifer’s website and maybe make a contribution to them. I know times are tough right now in the US, but it’s a lot harder to live in some countries and we can help.

    Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    I want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do
    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted

    Tomorrow night I’ll be dining with some friends at Fogo De Chao,  a Brazilian steakhouse – the more meat the merrier, they just keep bringing meat until you’re satisfied. A bunch of friends are joining me for dinner and friends all over the country will be joining me in spirit going out of their way to chow down on some meat! Love me some beef!

    An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    Want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do

    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted 

    What could be better than a cow for some needy community – besides the fact that I don’t actually have to spend any time in San Francisco or San Antonio ever again if I don’t want to. Life goes on, better fish in the sea and all that…

    So today, please help me spread the word about Heifer International, stop and have a burger or a steak, shop for some leather, or pull a Palin and shoot something from a helicopter. Do it for Hefner, do it for the Heifer… My heart will appreciate it. Moooooo

    And if you’re going to chow down on meat tomorrow please use #Heifer4Heffner on your Twitter feed.

    And buy this song from the Zac Brown Band: Cold Hearted

  • Over Not Under

    I have peculiar habits – I assume most people do. For instance when doing my daily dental activities I

    1. Use the Waterpik (which if you don’t have one I highly recommend)
    2. Rinse with Plax (it loosens up the existing plaque before you brush)
    3. Use my SonicCare toothbrush (love this)
    4. Rinse with ACT

    For some people, that might seem like a lot and for other people they’d be shocked to hear I don’t floss also. I do all these things because I really have no desire to let Dentists mess up my teeth or even fix up my teeth unless it’s absolutely necessary. (On several occasions I’ve had huge panic attacks while in a dentists chair, usually before they can even say “Hi how are you today.” )

    It goes OVER!

    I also am a firm believer that the toilet paper goes OVER not under. I have even taken steps in other people’s homes to correct this situation when it arises, which thank the gods has not happened very often. I can’t wrap my head around having it under, it makes absolutely no sense to me. Why? How should I know – it’s just tantamount to blasphemy!. Blasphemy, I say!

    So Tuesday afternoon when I arrived at home I was stunned to see the roll in my bathroom placed in the under position.  Every other Tuesday is when the cleaning lady comes – so I know who did it, and she’s done it before. The last time she did it she replaced the roll with a new roll as it was almost out – I could understand that and thought “Perhaps she was in a hurry and didn’t realize that she put it on incorrectly.” It’s possible… or so I thought, until Tuesday that is.

    See as a precautionary measure I’ve been making sure the rolls are pretty full on the days she comes to the house to avoid this affront to humanity. This time it was deliberate, she actually removed the roll to place it back in incorrectly! *Gasp*

    I was really upset about this and thought it might ruin my whole day – then I remembered that I’m fortunate enough to have a cleaning lady come to the house twice a week for a reasonable fee. I can manage to put up with this little thing and maybe she’ll eventually pick up on the proper way to roll – OVER not under.