Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Author: Jamez

  • The Journey Continues…

    My friend Jana was diagnosed with cancer and needs help – please read the article and help if you can. Please also repost.

    cameronscottwright's avatarA Cancer Journey & Plea for Aid

    Update!

    We just heard from MUSC, and are going to have to reschedule Jana’s mammogram as the Hollings Cancer Centre at MUSC wants to see her tomorrow morning at 10am. (Let us, for the nonce, assume it is a matter of good service as opposed to something to worry about!).

    The consultation should hopefully let us know what tests will be needed and how much they might cost (or at least what test are needed).

    In terms of patient assistance, MUSC is literally a life-saver! We have been approved for the maximum patient assistance! <pauses for cheers> We will need to pay the surgeon $1,500, pay $80 per office visit, and pay the complete costs for any tests (plus any follow-up treatments, medications, or visits, of course).

    So my lower estimate of $4,000 will hopefully be closer than the higher estimate of $10,000 or more (depending on the tests’ costs)…

    View original post 80 more words

  • Big Book Quoters Don't Stay Sober – Oh Really?

    I heard in a meeting this morning “people who quote the big book don’t stay sober” and saw heads nodding along in agreement. Then I heard “you can be too smart to get the program, I hope I stay a dumb”.

    My first thought was “Fuck off”. Then my next thought was that what he really meant to say was you can get trapped in intellectualizing the hell out of the program and it’s really simple – clean house, seek a higher power and help others.

    I can’t count on both my hands and feet the number of people I know with long (double digit) sobriety that regularly quote the Big Book in their shares, stories and every day life. It’s our text book, it has directions “To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book“. So discounting those who know it is like stabbing yourself in the foot.

    Knowing what’s in your Big Book is vitally important to recovering from “a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body“. If you were diagnosed as a diabetic, you wouldn’t just start injecting yourself with insulin all willy nilly – you’d learn about your disease, what to eat, how to eat, warning signs – and you don’t get that information from your next door neighbor or a person on a bus – it’s given to you in information packets and meetings with your doctor or health professional that understand what you’re going through.

    The same is true of alcoholism. We have a “common solution” that has worked for countless people who were once just as hopeless as I was – I can choose to follow that path to recovery or I can choose to go a different route or skirt the edges of the Happy Road of Destiny and get what was promised when we practice half-measures: nothing. Our book says time and time again “further on are clear-cut directions showing precisely how we have recovered” and “Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery”

    On remaining dumb:  “Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness”. Page 84

    Our book tells us also that self-knowledge is not the answer, so just knowing you’re an alcoholic and doing nothing about it isn’t going to get you far. You can quote the Big Book in meeting until your blue in the face but if you fail to enlarge your spiritual life it won’t help you at all – I think this is what the gentleman was trying to convey (actually I don’t really think this, but I kind of hope that it is, because remaining ignorant shouldn’t be a goal of anyone).

    The common solution I talk about here isn’t the group therapy you see where you come and talk about whats wrong with your life, the common solution is a program of action – getting out of yourself and helping others, specifically alcoholics, but all others “Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”

    “…there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.” page 25 We don’t use a jack hammer when a hammer will do, but we also don’t use a hammer when we need the jackhammer, we use the tools that are given to us.

    Read your book, talk to your sponsor, find the solution in the book and work our program of action. Lastly I’ll quote the back of the book twice:

    “To those now in its fold, Alcoholics Anonymous has made the difference between misery and sobriety, and often the difference between life and death. A.A. can, of course, mean just as much to uncounted alcoholics not yet reached.

    Therefore, no society of men and women ever had a more urgent need for continuous effectiveness and permanent unity. We alcoholics see that we must work together and hang together, else most of us will finally die alone.

    The “12 Traditions” of Alcoholics Anonymous are, we A.A.’s believe, the best answers that our experience has yet given to those ever-urgent questions, “How can A.A. best function?” and, “How can A.A. best stay whole and so survive?” AA Page  561 (4th edition

    and (I guess this one is Herbert Spencer not AA)

    “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance–that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” AA Page 568

  • Busy

    I’m certainly busier than I usually am. Between work, AA and finding things in the new city Im have very little time to just sit and do nothing or even try out the pool (I don’t think the water is warm enough yet, but soon). I’m going to three to four meetings a week, bowling on Tuesday nights with a sober group and that’s been fun. 

    Several people here with long term sobriety regularly go to 2 meetings a day. They hit a 7:00 a.m. meeting and a night meeting. Not one clue why you’d need to, but if that’s what they need I guess that’s what they need. It might make them a stronger community I guess. But that’s not for me, not only because I am on my way to work around 7:00 but because I think it’s stupid… at the beginning of this paragraph i was trying to not judge… but thats what I really feel. A purpose of AA or any of the other 12 steps is to get us to be active participants of the real world in a beneficial way – I think going to so many meetings is trying to hide from alcohol or temptations of alcohol. There is a real solution written about in our book that makes it safe to go into even the most sordid of places if our motives are right. I think one meeting a day is overkill… two makes it hard not to shake my head when I hear about. 

    I picked up my 19 year chip at a few meetings in the last week and was asked to speak on Step 12 Monday night. That’ll be fun.

    I’m looking forward to seeing Star Trek this weekend and Memorial Day Weekend the following. 

  • summa cum laude

    Today something very special is happening – my best friend Suzanne is graduating Summa Cum Laude.

    I had to look up Summa Cum Laude to know what it meant  and I found the following:

    “with highest honor”

    or

    “with highest distinction”

    I’m incredibly proud of her. There were times when she was studying and struggling when she’d think about dropping a class or doubt herself. But I never doubted her, I’ve seen  her overcome some really big things in life and I knew a little thing like school couldn’t stand in her way.

    She is my example time and time again of what I could strive to be if I push myself hard and don’t give up. When I’m about to give up I think of her and know she’d solider on.

    I regret that I can’t be there today to see it – I wish I could because I know she’s be beaming that bright smile and radiating that happiness she takes with her everywhere…

    Suzanne, congratulations – I’m so very proud of you and will be thinking of you all day long.

    Love

    Jamez

  • Adjustments

    May already, wow how times flies.

    Having to drive every day is a big change from life in Washington DC where I could walk or Metro almost anywhere. The morning commute is pretty easy and relaxed, my work day starts at 7:30 (so I’m there by 7:15) and traffic is still pretty light that early. In the afternoon I get done at 4:00 and that traffic is pretty heavy. I manage to avoid freeways and my commute home is a little over 20 minutes, the way to work is about 15. Buses, at least on Thomas Road don’t always have pull offs and more often than not just sit there at the stop they arrive at until they’re supposed to leave… unlike DC buses which depart seconds after arriving and loading… so it blocks up some of the traffic.

    Everyone here speeds, I know everyone every where speeds… but here its extreme to me anyway. 50 in the 35 zone is typical, most people do at least 10 miles over the limit and it gives me issues 🙂 I usually just go along at the speed limit but sometimes I can just sense how annoying I am to others and go faster, they still pass me. I brought up the speeding thing to my insurance agent and she said “the speed limit is just a suggestion.” Really…

    I have finally stopped waking up at 3:00 a.m. and just lying there in the dark… now it’s about 4:15 or so that I wake up… but that’s a whole lot better really and I feel like I have extra energy and am less tired.

    I’ve found some good AA meetings here, well at the moment I think they’re good… One is a traveling Big Book meeting that goes from house to house and I was all excited about it – until I came and they were reading the stories in the back… /sigh. The other two are Big Book meetings also, one follows along to the Joe and Charlie CD for 15 minutes and then discusses what they heard and relates, mostly they stay on topic, but there is a lot of new or recycled sobriety here and not that many folks yet that have over 5 years. The other is a step meeting, big meeting – reminds me a bit of Pacific (the size and personalities) and Northside (the literature aspect and traditions), the lead shares their experience strength and hope but can only use the Big Book for reference… I’ve only been to the Step 8 and 9 meeting so far… I wonder how Step 6 and 7 did… we’ll see next round. Every meeting I’ve been to here I hear the Traditions read and it sounds like such a simple thing… but it makes me feel better.

    I haven’t done too much “fun stuff” outside of work or AA… but there is a new Sober Bowling group starting and I’m going to try that. I’ll be seeing Iron Man this weekend and I’m looking forward to the Comic Con here at the end of the month. Next weekend I’m going to a baseball game for work.

    So far, I’m pretty happy with moving here… I know summer is coming but so far the weather has been spectacular.

    Love and miss friends and family, but happy to be here.

  • Run Out of Hate

    My first thoughts when I heard about what happened in Boston yesterday was “this is religious based”. I wasn’t thinking Muslim at all I was thinking US “Christian” that feeling in the back of my head wont go away. It’s a sad state to think organizations that should be teaching love and peace are the first to pop into my mind when I see acts of terror and hate – or maybe not so surprising. I saw on the net all kinds of people jumping to conclusions and all kinds of other people telling people not to jump to conclusions. So I’m not going to start pointing fingers at a million hate spewing, discriminatory assholes in US churches, but I really want to.

    My next thought jumped to the OK City Bombing and Timothy McVeigh and the rampant amount of gun nuts that need machine guns to hunt deer and wild pheasant. Some of those people call upon Jesus’s name and have bumper stickers that say “Guns, God and Guts” or some crap – like their god is perfectly all right with the continued killing of innocent children, mothers, fathers, daughters, brothers and friends.

    But the phrase that keeps coming back into my head is from AA:

    “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.” – As Bill See’s It, Page 5

    That applies to me as a sick individual that shouldn’t hate anymore and when I do I have measures/tools to take care of it. But it should apply to our country now too. We are a country that is filled with hate, fear and intolerance of others. We are a country that reacts violently, forcefully and dangerously.

    I think we’ve had our fair share of hate and violence and oppression and need to give it up. Maybe it’s time we found a different way, a better way. Perhaps so many people in other countries that hate us would look more kindly if we were in fact kinder and less concerned with oil and the size of our tanks. Maybe we could again be the land of the free and the home of the brave by helping other people to become better people and finding ways to make the planet safer for even the lowliest members we have.

    Something has to change and someone needs to lead the way. All this hate and fear are dangerous to us as individuals and even more so as a country … a nation… a world.

    We have to be free of anger – or it kills us.

  • Breaking and Entering

    Back in 1985  or 86 I wasn’t the most well behaved individual.

    On a particular school day me and a couple of friends skipped out and were looking for some money to get beer, cigarettes and maybe score some pot. I had been lifting $20s out of my grandmothers purse for quite a long time but this day she wasn’t home and we were desperate.

    She had this door in the house that she kept padlocked and that of course means there must be money in there (teenage thinking). We didn’t know how to pick the lock but the hinges were on the outside of the door with the lock and someone suggested we just take the door off the hinges – brilliant.

    We ruffled around in that room for probably 20 minutes and maybe found $15 – and left. My grandmothers probably wouldn’t have ever known we were in there except we didn’t put the door back on the hinges…. /doh

    As a result of that break in I was shipped off to foster care a few days later – really one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    Flash-Forward 2013

    There is no key to the supply closet door, someone the previous night had locked it – trying to be helpful or something. So this morning I couldn’t get in there.

    The life I live now is such that taking the door off the hinges didn’t even cross my mind. When other folks arrived and we explained what had happened THEY did it and it brought that memory back to me of how simple it was…

    Let me assure you, I wasn’t going to be the new guy that got fired for breaking into the supply closet … but it was cool that someone else knew exactly what to do (the door had been locked before).

    Also, let this be a lesson to you about security… hinges on the inside of locked rooms.

  • One Week in Phoenix

    I arrived in Phoenix a week ago today and all seems to be going well. The weather has been really nice mid 70s – 90s and all of it comfortable heat – everyone keeps telling me I’ll wish I had never moved her in the summer.

    My one bedroom apartment is really all that I need and moving in means I had to do some shopping. I’d go buy all the important things like the shower curtain and liner and not realize until I arrived home that I forgot the shower curtain rings and i’d run out again to get those and remember a slew of other things too. At this moment I think I have almost everything I need – maybe I could use a frying pan and a spatula… but I’ll be ok for a good while. For the first few days I didn’t do a lot outside of shopping, eating and driving around – oh, and I tanned by the pool every day, which is really a nice thing to be able to do.

    Everything is cheaper here – except gas. It’s an amazing concept, but when people make less money they have to sell things for less i guess.

    I didn’t have my Passport, which I need to get an AZ license, until yesterday (I shipped it UPS instead of taking it with me like a doofus) so I don’t have that yet. I do have a nice car that is quiet and gets me from A – Z very well. The amount of emails I’m getting now from Allstate and  VW makes me wish I had stayed carless. I’m sure I’ll figure out the settings for that soon.

    I tried out two meetings so far, one on Thursday night and one on Sunday. Each had things that I liked about it and each had things I didn’t – the Thursday night step study was the winner so far, I plan to keep looking but that one is close and the people friendly.

    Monday was the first day of work so of course I didn’t sleep well. I was at work at 7:00 – a 15 minute car ride and my day starts at 7:30 there. The boss and the other new person were there to meet me and they showed us the ropes of how to open up (making coffee, drawing drapes, turning on the printer) and before you knew it we were taking notes in the board meeting. To be honest I didn’t take many notes I was really interested in what they were talking about. For lunch the boss got us tacos and burritos. The day went by really fast and before I knew it it was quitting time – 4:00 p.m. It had been a really great day and then I checked my voicemail (See this story).  So it was an up and down day mostly up.

    My Desk at Work
    My Desk at Work

    Tuesday I spent good quality time with my boss going over how I’m going to help her – she’s never had an assistant before and she’s excited and wary about it. I put some of those cares to rest right away by giving here items that she had been expecting but didn’t ask me for and then pointed out three errors on the website and in email signatures that should be addressed ASAP. They said the appreciated it I hope so I was only trying to help and get used to everything.

    Wednesday, today I started to discover how unorganized the office is – there are all kinds of documents in the “Forms” folder that don’t resemble forms at all and the “Inventory” folder has mostly letters about events. *sigh* Well at least I wont be bored.

    My protector at work
    My protector at work

    As it stands today I’m pretty happy here in AZ. I know the weather will change and the job will get incredibly busy in the summer – but i’m ready.

  • Donnell and Superman

    From 2000 – 2005 I worked at Children’s National Medical Center in a few departments that focused on HIV/AIDS. I don’t do hospitals well, I’m squeamish (see this story) but working behind a computer is easy regardless of where the computer is so it wasn’t an issue as long as I didn’t have to look at tubes and blood and stuff… ewww.

    One of the nurses I worked with, Christy, had been working with one particular kid since he was born. His name was Donnell and he was born with HIV. Donnell was around 7 years old the first time I met him. He had come up to our floor with the purpose of seeing Christy and peeked his head around the corner of my cubicle shyly and then ran away, he was soon back and played with the Superman toys I had on my desk, but he was very shy. At that time I still had some hair – I know hard to believe – and I was wearing thick framed glasses in a Clark Kent style. Donnell convinced himself that I was really Superman. I think back then he honestly believed it and who was I to deny a kid a dream.

    Every time Donnell came to the hospital he would ask his nurse, Ms Campbell, if he could see Superman and I would drop whatever I was doing and spend hours with that little boy. We’d run up and down the hallways and visit strange areas and he’s always ask me when I would take him flying. I… sorry it’s hard to think about. He was always so happy to see me and he became a bright spot in my every day life.

    Donnell called me Superman and other people started to call me Superman and that’s why I decided on the Superman tattoo I had done when I turned 10 years sober in 2004. Donnell thought it was pretty cool when I showed it too him and it still is today when I look at it.

    He invited me a few years later to his graduation from elementary school (I think) and I was a little wary about going to Anacostia but I did anyway. He ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug that day and it was so cool to see him all dressed up and progressing. I was always asking him about school and trying to encourage him to study and try harder – emphasizing the importance of a good education, even if it was boring.

    I usually go to Ft Lauderdale for my birthday in December but the year I didn’t I was in the hospital when Donnell came to the emergency room. I went to spend the day with him while they tried to figure out what was wrong. Turns out he had a brain tumor the size of a small orange in his head and they had to operate. I was with him and his family up until they took him into surgery. It was so scary, I remember being a big teary mess that day too. In spite of my squeamishness I visited him in his room every day until he was released, I even came in on a Saturday.

    When I left Childrens I lost touch with Donnell, I would hear once in a while from friends that they had seen him at the hospital, but I myself hadn’t seen him since then. I often wondered how he was doing and if he had gotten into college yet.

    Today he suffered a stroke, his mom found him and they resuscitated him twice before letting him go. I hear he had been doing really well on his medications and the future looked bright.

    I’ve cried a few times tonight about this, a lot about time lost because I was too busy to stay in touch. A lot because he was such a good kid and he loved so many people with such a big heart.

    Mostly today I wish I had been able to fly and give him that one thing – maybe now he can fly. Maybe now he has wings – if you believe that type of thing, and I”m not sure I do – if there is one man who deserves to fly it’s him… I’ll miss you Donnell, thank you for loving me .

  • Fahrman Flyer

    Several years ago I used to write a weekly newsletter for residents in an inpatient treatment center. I’m packing so I scanned them and can toss em and still have them – I really love technology.

     

    Here’s a sample:

     

    Fahrman Flyer

     

    It’s not Pulitzer worthy but hey, I enjoyed writing it back in the day.