Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Stories

  • Rage

    *I don’t know why but this was stuck in my head and had to get out*

    Another long day at the office, he missed the sun again – in before the crack of dawn and out after sunset, and for what? So that asshole boss can point out his shortcomings again and again. If that supervisor had come to his desk one more time he would have throttled him. There’s got to be a better way to make money, there just has to… been at this job for ten years now, think they could treat him better.

    At least the commute home has less traffic at this hour, the last thing he needed was to sit in that shit for hours – horns blaring, idiots shifting lanes back and forth like that extra inch is going to get them any further.

    The bills are still piling up, even with this extra over time. The wife’s going to be nagging on him again about needing more for this or more for that. Who knew feeding three kids could be so expensive – especially the teenager, and now she has a car – jacked the insurance rates right up, never mind additional gas and worrying about her – always damn texting and talking on that expensive phone. both of them could get a job that paid something instead of their lazy ass part time jobs… probably won’t even be dinner on the table when I get home

    The radio station keeps playing the same tunes over and over or it’s commercials, all the damn stations have commercials on at the same time – where’s the good rocking tunes that he really needs to help him unwind after that shit day?  Back when he was a kid there was good music, not this crap they play all the time today – what he’d pay for a good station that knew what to play and when. But nah, they’ll try to sell us more crap and different cars that are all crap and cheap manufactured music that makes him want to vomit, fuck where are the good tunes?!?

    That asshole is right on his bumper and the lights glaring in the rearview, did he just flash his high beams? Fuckin’ asshole, I do not need your shit today – he thinks.  He starts to speed up, just to get out of that guys reach, some people are just assholes.

    The car keeps up with him, flashes it’s high-beams again and again at him. He taps on his brakes, that’ll teach that mother fucker, he thinks. Then he hears the horn and the brights are on him again… son of a bitch  – he seethes, knock it off fucker

    For miles this continues and the hate just brews inside him, the fury grows to the point of no return, he opens the glove box and draws out the pistol – this fucker is going to pay, and pay good, he states.

    He slams on his brakes and jumps out. The car behind him comes up just short, tires screeching, he pays not attention and goes straight for the drivers window, raises his pistol and pulls the trigger

     

    BLAM

     

    And in a brief moment before the noise can even register in his brain he sees his daughters face on the other side of the glass – horror stricken then shattered glass.

  • The Fire

    On fire with AA.

    I’ve said that about people before, even had it said of me before – usually it’s when they or I am expressing so much gratitude and love for the program that it’s almost too much … like an over sugary dessert, yes it’s sweet but it’s a bit too much almost evangelical. But since the beginning, and I’m taking the liberty of speaking for others here as well (I’ll ask for forgiveness later), there has been some kind of burning since I got to AA.

    At first there was just the spark, a spark of hope – the flimsy reed, that gave us a light to walk towards. “Maybe this AA thing can work for me too”

    that spark ignites the first flames in AA (No, we’re not speaking specifically of gay men… but maybe them too) – we get a sponsor, we start participating in the meeting and maybe start relating to others experience.

    Our sponsors and our group leaders feed that small fire, they put logs and kindling on it – they give us commitments to group and we soon have a hearth, a  place where our fire usually burns – a home if you will.

    When we finally get it, when the solution encompasses us we burn brighter and brighter, hotter and hotter and attract others, they see this roaring fire and are drawn to it, they want the warmth and comfort that we have created.

    Once in a while someone will come along with a poker (mmmmm) and stoke the fire, sending sparks here and there and igniting other flames, a torch has been passed to another who will build their own hearth.

    Yet sometimes we can forget to feed the fire, we can forget to participate and keep it going – maybe think the fire will sustain itself – we aren’t sharing anymore, its ours we want to just sit there in the warmth and be comfortable. No logs and the fire starts to die down. 

    It’s still comforting there, people see the flame and want it, it’s pretty, comforting, attractive – but its slowly becoming smaller and dimmer.

    When the wood is burned up and the red glow of the embers is still there, we can still get a little warmth, we can still see the faint glow of hope – but to share it we really need to stoke the fire – we have to have participation and share our fire to keep it strong.

    I don’t think there are things that can douse an AA flame once its been started – you hear countless people who go out come back and say they remembered the hope they had found in AA and longed for it. I hope you keep your flames bright and comfortable today – and maybe share a spark.

  • Sports

    I’ve never been a big fan of sports – I do though enjoy cheering against fanatics teams (Green Bay Packers and Washington Redskins for example) just to annoy the fans. The olympics don’t really ignite any flames for me, I think about all the money spent, the hours kids/young adults spend getting ready for their one chance to win a gold – a silver, a bronze just won’t do, it has to be gold… and if they fail the first time out the chances of a second win 4 years later is harder… unless you’re a doping cyclist or on an NBA super team.

    So how i ended up being the water boy for the girls high school basketball team in Whitehall eludes me.

    Ms Matchey (I think was her name), was the assistant coach and asked me and for some reason I said yes… me, the loner stoner, hanger-headed outcast participating in sports (not actively mind you, just on the sidelines). I filled their water bottles, cheered their points, watched the games with mild curiosity and actually began to understand it. These girls were very good, they were fast, strong and could make a basket, nothing I could claim myself. I was there for practices, games, and in the locker room (though this did nothing for me some people were jealous) they were always clothed when I was there. I’d pick up the wet towels, I’d make sure there were new towels… basketball

    (more…)

  • Job Hunting

    Job hunting can be challenging, entertaining and frustrating all at the same time.

    I’ve had, what I think, are a few good interviews in the past week. I say that and remember interviewing at Children’s Hospital in DC back in 2000 – when I got to the interview it occurred to me that I had forgotten to wear my belt. I spent the entire interview obsessing about that so much that afterword I couldn’t tell if I had done a good job at the interview or not – I did get the job and it wasn’t until months later that I shared with them how nervous I was, simply because of the missing belt.

    I’ve been told by interviewers that I interview quite well, I have good anecdotal stories, fast thought out answers to difficult questions and I try to engage them in conversations. They even tell me I’m quite friendly and don’t come off as nervous (underneath, let me assure you I’m a bit nervous). I spend time before interviews now reviewing potential questions an employer may ask – and I rehearse examples from my past that give them an idea of what I think they’re looking for. I come prepared with questions that I want to ask, and I have quite a few in case any of those questions are answered during the interview process – they almost always ask after the interview “Do you have any questions for us?” even if you’ve actively engaged in the interview and asked questions during it – so be prepared.

    I’ve been bringing a nice folder along with me to each interview. It carries not only extra copies of my résumé and references but somewhere I can take notes, a sticky note or two and an extra pen. You never know what you might need, I don’t want to walk in with a backpack full of stuff, but I want to be sure they know I’m prepared for any thing. I also make sure I know the names of the people I interview with and afterwards I support the Post Office by sending them a nice Thank You card.

    After a successful interview I was sent some assessments to gauge if I really can work with the software it lists on my résumé. It’s almost like this new relationship you’re about to embark on and they already are questioning what you’ve said you’re capable of. If I can’t work with the software I certainly wouldn’t put it on my résumé, but I imagine some folks do that kind of thing. The assessment gives you a version of software and asks you some pretty simple questions (I guess that’s my opinion) like how to copy, draw borders, insert a table, open a picture… Back in the late 90s or early 00s I became MOUS certified in MS Access and it looked really great on a résumé, but that test was more about simple Microsoft procedures than it was about actually creating databases (still I think it helped me land a job or two). I usually do these tests well, but usually the versions they are using are older than the software I’m using and unfamiliar to me now – this is why I score 93 and 95% and am disappointed.Unknown

    Then comes the personality tests, this is something I’m not to sure about when it comes time to them sending these around. The one I received in my email recently advised me that I could use Internet Explorer or Netscape to take the exam. Netscape? really? Fortunately for me it worked fine in Safari on the iMac. There are several different versions of these tests that I’ve taken but they all basically want to gauge what type of person you are and if you’ll be a good fit in the company. Sometimes they will ask the same question in a different way a question or two down the exam. Ask-The-Right-Questions--300x300The one I recently filled out asked in three different ways if I enjoyed spending time at the bar, which makes me wonder what types of employees they’ve had before. 🙂 The questions can be hard to answer, they expect you to answer honestly but the questions are phrased to trick you into answering specific ways. “I have never told a lie” for example, never ever? or “I enjoy being alone” well sometimes that’s the case, but other times I enjoy the company of others. I’m not a fan of these assessments, I can see why they might be beneficial but they could also screen out a great candidate.

    Then we have the waiting game. I’ve waited to hear back about an interview many different time periods – once I finally received an email six months after the interview, it was a “no” but at least it was an answer. The job market is full of other people, probably as qualified as you are, if not more so and it can take recruiters a while to go through all the prospects. I heard recently that a position I interviewed for had over 250 resumes, I was one of ten chosen for the interview process and there is a chance I could make it to the second interview process, we’ll see.

    There are many opportunities out there. Some of them aren’t for me, but I have to be willing to work towards the one I want and that means studying, preparing, researching, testing and assessing until I land it.

    Off I go, time to do more searching!

  • Surprising Beginnings

    My sponsor gave me directions when I hired him:

    1. 1. Shake everyones hand before and after each meeting
    2. 2. Go to the Northside Group every week – no matter what

    So that’s how I found myself at the Northside meeting on a Sunday night, following sponsor direction I was there and he had assured me he’d give me a ride home. But at the end of the meeting he had forgotten (actually he had relapsed and we just didn’t know it yet) and asked someone else to give me a ride.

    That person was Suzanne W. Who I knew as one of the pretty girls at the meeting, but I don’t really care about girls so whatever. She agreed to give me a ride back to the treatment center.

    As we approached the cars in the parking lot she walked towards a white Z and we climbed in (she loved that car). Very sporty and I think with a t top.

    All the way to the treatment center she talked and I swear she wasn’t watching the road, she was looking at me and talking and talking and talking… and in a New York accent I could barely understand at all. The whole trip I was watching the speedometer and I swear we were doing 300…. ok, maybe I was nervous…. we were going super fast and she just knew how to look at me and the road and talk (and maybe smoke – we were both smokers back then) all at the same time….

    scariest ride of my life!

    That was almost 20 years ago… in June of 1994 I think. That crazy girl from New York became my best friend and while she still does that thing of looking at me and the road and going hundreds of miles over the speed limit (I exaggerate) she’s such a different person now…

    you should all be so lucky to have such a friend and you never know where these types of things are going to come from.

    love you Zanaramadingdong

  • Pondering in the Dark

    The kiss was electric, sounds cliche I know, but it was that kiss that changed it all. It was our first date and I couldn’t tell if he liked me at all, I decided to take a chance and ask for a kiss. He turned, grabbed a hold of me and gave me one of the best kisses I’d ever had – I felt good from my head to my toes and I wanted more, all of his kisses were like that.  As we were moving forward with the wedding plans, because I said yes, a thought occurred that disturbed me:

    I have to care about being alive and now I have to try to stay alive longer.

    That was the lingering thought during the rest of the engagement – the kiss was electric, the sex ok… but having someone to live for… not something I had thought about, it was an inconvenience. That isn’t to say that I don’t have other people in my life, but none of them need me to stick around. When you commit to someone else “for life”, til death do us part and all that jazz… then you should actually try to be there with them as long as you can.

    “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.”  The character “Rose Walker” in The Sandman #65

    So, kind of happy that that all didn’t work out. I figure 15 more years is all I really want (I don’t think want is the right word).

    I was re-reading the Harry Potter series over the holiday break and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was obsessed with living forever and I just can’t relate… after a while you’ve done everything you really wanted to do, what the hell would you stick around for? It’s different if you have kids or that other person I suppose, then you’re rather obligated to be there as long as you can. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had none of that, he had worshipers and fear but why would that be worth sticking around for, I think it would get boring.

    I’m not seeking death, not yet anyway (give me 15 years), and this isn’t a “cry for help” it’s just casual observations from my mind. The only thing that seems really suicidal in my own behavior lately has been a weird craving to buy a pack of cigarettes – WTF is that about? no clue

    “Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.”
    ― Neil Gaiman

    Then if you bring religions into it and we talk about afterlife or reincarnation – I just can’t grasp why that would be something you’d want. Here I am, having lived a life to it’s fullest (or as full as I cared to muster), then I’m dead and wait… what? now I have to sit around on a cloud for eternity (oh wait I’m gay… burn in hell for eternity). What’s appealing about that. They say things like “spend eternity with the ones you love”….. Seriously, I love my family and friends, but I can only take so much of them before I need to get away… if you want to give me something to look forward to in an afterlife, give it some rocking special effects or great music or excitement… you know, the stuff I was supposed to be searching for and enjoying in life. And reincarnation… why would I want to do it again? Hell no.

    “You get what anybody gets – you get a lifetime.”
    ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes

    In this life I’ve done all those things I’ve wanted to do, someone asked me once “Like what?” I’ve sung at the Kennedy Center, had a story or two published, loved someone so much it hurts, escaped the cold winters of WI, made amends for the mistakes in my past and learned to be myself.

    I think that’s enough.

  • New Years Resolutions – Quitting Smoking

    It’s really kind of hard to believe, but I quit smoking almost 9 years ago (Jan 1, 2005). It was very cliche, I did it as a New Year’s Resolution…. and I had tried countless other times to quit and not one of them took.

    I think at the time the main concern was how expensive they were getting – I think they were a little over $4 at the time and I kept thinking it was going to to up and up (and it sure has). I had decided enough was enough (but I always thought that before quitting) and I meant it (like always) so I went out and bought Nicorette gum, the lozenge, and the Patch, I even ask my doctor for a Wellbutrin prescription. An extra step I had taped all over my bedroom and bathroom “You Can Quit Smoking” so I’d see it constantly. I also purchased a hypnosis/positive thinking tape (yes, cassette tape) that I played each night before I went to bed.

    As the New Year approached I kept doubting I could do it, I wondered why I even bothered. Hadn’t countless attempts before failed at getting me to quit? Yes, but I was determined this time (like always).

    I didn’t use the gum that day, the lozenge or the patch… I just stopped and gritted my teeth through it. The first day seemed so hard, the habits of when I’d light up were there with me – when I’d step outside, after eating, after sex, during commercials… I was always smoking it seemed and the first day was so hard to get out of that expectation.

    I was grumpy for probably a month, but I had a lot of support of friends and coworkers who kept on encouraging me… before I knew it I no longer had the cravings or the desire to have one at all.

    There was an immediate downside – everything smelled – whether good or bad I could smell all kinds of things I hadn’t before – car exhaust, bad breath, good breath, perfumes… and most of all smokers! Ugh, why didn’t anyone tell me how awful I smelled and how my breath was rancid like that? Probably because I hung out with other smokers, it became evident to me why some guys wouldn’t date a smoker and now I won’t date one.

    There are still days when I consider a cigarette – after a really good meal, on rainy fall days, during movies with lots of smoking.. but I resist and remember how expensive it is (holy crap how can you afford that?) and how bad people smell.

    I tried to quit a million times, I didn’t think this time would work either – but it did. Don’t give up, keep trying if you’re trying and eventually you’ll make it. I think after the first few months you’ll be happier, I know I am.

  • Loss of Words

    I went to see the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug Friday night even after a friend had commented on Facebook about being disappointed with it. See, I’m a fan of the genre, I’m a fan of the book and three that came after – I could recall many of the parts that made up the Lord of the Rings trilogy but found I couldn’t for the Hobbit, that partially explains why my friend Rob was disappointed but I enjoyed the movie.

    When I was watching the dwarves and Bilbo on the mountain – I found myself thinking of Flint Fireforge from the Dragonlance series and I got a little misty thinking about when he passed on and Tasslehoff’s tears… yet, knowing I read the Hobbit you’d think I could recall all the details of that, but I cannot. I remember Smaug, I remember there being dwarves, a spider and maybe some elves… but that’s about the extent of it. When I think of Dragonlance, I can recall intimate details and feelings about Raistlin and his brothers relationship, knowing how Tanis Half-Elven was torn between the ageless elf and the sultry Kitara… Maybe I loved that series more? I don’t know, but the Lord of the Rings trilogy stayed with me longer.

    As I was thinking on it I think of all those books I read when I was younger and how they seemingly changed my life:

    A Brave New World

    1984

    Flowers for Algernon

    Way of the Peaceful Warrior

    A ton of stories from Jack London

    A Clockwork Orange

    You know, I can’t recall details of those books, I have a memory of how much they meant to me at the time and how into them I was, but they didn’t stick. I remember a line from Way of the Peaceful Warrior “we only sell fruit juice here and don’t call me Pop” and I recall being truly frightened reading A Clockwork Orange… but I don’t really have any details, I can’t quote them or reference them with any authority as they’re gone.

    I have them on my Kindle, I bought all these books because I used to own them and I wanted them to be a part of my collection again. And I might have to reread them again, to see if the magic is still there – if they grab me and take me to the world the author wanted me to experience with them, to see if I still get frightened during or if this time 1984 scares me more.

    I don’t have memories of people from the late 70s to 80s either, they’re just gone. There are people from two different high schools that I’m supposed to know and I can’t seem to place them, they seem oddly familiar but they’re just not inside my head anymore. Kind of weird really. I pretend, it’s easy on Facebook to pretend I remember, but I don’t… There come times though when I run into them in real life and then the pretending go well, cause I can’t lie about it… happened a few years ago when I was visiting a friend I do remember and two of our high school mates showed up, but I couldn’t recall them and I should have been able to, and it’s happened since and will likely happen again. Part of why I stay in touch with some many people from past jobs is I’m afraid if I don’t I won’t be able to remember them – it could happen.

    Anyway, I’m looking forward to rereading these stories and going to another world with the authors.

  • Thomas Road

    it’s 40 now not 35
    it’s 40 now not 35
    i don’t know why you can’t drive
    it’s 40 now not 35
     
    the sign is back there
    look, there’s another
    it went up back there 
    oh brother
     
    why are you slowing down?
    WTF, WTF, WTF
    i can’t get around (more…)

  • Icky D's

    I went down to the Ahwatukee Foothills for a meeting tonight – I left early so I could get some food before the meeting. What I failed to recognize was there’s all kinds of stupid construction on McDowell and it went from 3 to 1 lane for no apparent reason (they do construction at night as it’s so hot during the day I think). Anyway, so that put me further behind than I anticipated and I was looking around for somewhere, something to eat and I did a dumb thing.

    I went to McDonald’s

    Now I’m not on any special diet or anything, but I’ve learned there are much better burgers almost anywhere else – Five Guys for example. But it was there and I was in a hurry so I stopped.

    The line was short – just two people ahead of me (well 7 people – 4 adults and three kids oh… and an old guy – 8 people). Of course one of the adults is a woman, and that automatically means it’s going to take longer (see this post). So they order for them and the kids and it’s now been ten minutes. (more…)