Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Random Rantings

  • The Spirit of Christmas

    A cold December morning, a car filled with packages, people and pain. So little room that there is a pie between my feet in the back seat. All four of us kids are in the back seat, Dad and Mom sit in the front, the smell of last nights alcohol still seeping through their pores.

    The car travels slowly up Grandpa’s ice covered mile and a half drive, as we approach the house we see the other relatives cars already having arrived. The car comes to a stop and we all start to exit the car, I bend to grab the pie and turn to shut the door. My footing is not secure and I slip precariously on the ice, the pie is lost from my grip and I watch as it falls to the ground as if in slow motion, my hands grasp to catch it just to save this one pie, but I fail.

    “You’ve ruined my Christmas,” my mother wails “can’t you do anything right!” and she turns and walks up the sidewalk, never turning to see the despair in my eyes.

    Happy Phqn X-Mas

  • A Novel Idea

    How do you write a novel? How do you put together stray thoughts and ideas into a seamless series of events?

    First I have to be rid of old ideas:
    a novel is –> this big <– or a paragraph this long. These ideas are stuck in my head, and the idea that I have to have the killer opening line. Like Billy Crystal from Throw Momma From the Train constantly writing and rewriting the same line “the night was dark… the night was misty, it was a dark and stormy night…” and wanting to kill when someone comes up with the perfect line… in this case it was: “The night was sultry…”

    A story, an idea, a biography, all of these things can be a book… provided you just take that one step at a time and make it happen. Sitting and staring at a blank sheet of paper, or in my case a blank computer screen doesn’t accomplish anything….

    JUST WRITE!

  • Crime and Punishment

    A terrible crime has been committed, a stab into the heart of true art, a destruction of true taste.

    “E” Entertainment has reunited Paris and Nicole (the two with absolutely no talent-of course I never saw the porn video) for another season of The Simple Life (See Post Article). Another season of two ditzy girls making fun of the average American family, this is worth spending time on? Another season of “Daisy Dukes” and other scraps of clothing that pretend to be fashionable.

    Proper punishment for “E” is hard to come up with, they’ve assaulted taste and good sense. I know, lets make the producers of the show watch all the shows that attempted to replace Seinfeld and Friends. Or make them spend time on the “career” of the failed American Idol contestant Corey (you remember, the guy who claimed to have slept with Paula) … nope, can’t do it, they’d give him a TV show.

    News like this makes me so very happy I gave up TV.

  • Interruption

    My neighbors alarm clock has been going off since Wednesday.

    At first it’s funny-he forgot to turn off his alarm, the moron.

    Then you realize that noise will be going off for the entire holiday weekend.

    You’re lying in bed at 6:00 a.m. on Friday morning when =buzz= you hear his =buzz= alarm =buzz= kick =buzz= in =buzz= again.

    The nap you wanted to take on Saturday =buzz= is =buzz= not to =buzz= happen =buzz= as =buzz= here =buzz= is that =buzz= annoying =buzz= sound =buzz= again.

    Where is a sledgehammer when I need one?

  • Priest Policy

    The Vatican is so wonderful and forward thinking, banning candidates from the priesthood who “practice homosexuality” [see link Post article here]. I could still be a priest then, cause I don’t practice anymore… don’t have to I’m really good at it!!!

    But, imagine if you will the Human Resources department of the Vatican at the hiring stage for a priest.

    HR Director: “Are you gay or do you practice homosexual acts?”
    Potential Priest: “No, I am neither of those things.”
    HR Director: “Good, good, we wouldn’t want to ban you from the priesthood. You’re obviously a very devout Christian.”
    Potential Priest: “Thank you Father, I try to do the Lords work.”
    HR Director: “You are all set to sign up for priesthood, lets get you the benefits package information. Do you wish to enroll in the Child Molestation package? This allows for us to remove from your paycheck each week a small sum to help pay for payoffs for any children we may seduce or rape.”
    Potential Priest: “Yes, please enroll me in that package, I can hardly wait to get my hands on all the young altar boys and girls.”

    OK, this may be a little extreme, but here is the issue: HOMOSEXUALITY and PEDOPHILIA are NOT the same thing. The Catholic Church has issues with grown men taking advantage of small children SEXUALLY, and then paying off the families later. These priests get moved from congregation to congregation, I guess when they get tired of the kids they are raping and want some fresh meat….

    I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again… Since the Church is in denial about these things it is time for the people of the church to demand their priests start wearing condoms when they molest their children, at least keep the children from catching sexually transmitted diseases.

    Leave your child alone with a priest at your own risk folks, unless your hoping for a big payoff later.

  • Whole Grain Rumors

    The rumor mill is spewing information that the reviewing committee for The Channel Marker (TCC’s Spring collection of Student Literature) is very impressed with my submissions.

    They do; however, think I’m of African-American ethnicity… It’s the way I spell my name: Jamez

    How I hate to disappoint!!!

  • The Golden Rejects


    The Golden Rejects is the name of the writers group on campus. There are signs all over the school, with quotes from Shakespeare and others; the ad even tells of delicious cookies being served at each meeting. “The Golden Rejects meet in TLC (The Learning Center) every Tuesday night from 6 – 7P.M.“

    Notice the “7P.M.” appears bold, I did that cause it appears bold on the ads. Last week, I arrived for this group at 7… but alas, twas not to be. Further examination spotted the ordinary 6 before the bolded 7. This week, I was prepared and knew I could get to TLC (a.k.a. the library) for the 6:00 meeting of the Golden Rejects.

    With 6:00 quickly approaching, I queried one of the librarians where the group met. “This week they are meeting down the hall in room 188.” So off I go, happy to begin a journey with this group of scribes.

    The smell of popcorn is overwhelming as I approach, the room dark and dialogue emanates from a movie. There sit five women in the dark a huge bowl of popcorn, and two of cookies in the middle of the table.

    I ask, cautiously: “Is this the writers group?”

    The answer: “yes, yes” and motion for me to be quiet and take a seat. I reluctantly do.

    At least two of the women are popcorn pushers. Even after I had declined to have any popcorn I found a cup sized serving in front of me. “You can’t sit there and resist it while the smell keeps coming at you.” they say.

    I began to get frustrated as I’ve traveled four miles on my bike to attend this meeting only to watch a movie. I think, perhaps we are only watching a scene or two to show how a movie cannot possibly compare to a book. I sit, and sit, and sit…

    I’ve been there perhaps 20 minutes when another person arrives and asks: “did I miss the meeting part?”

    “This is the meeting.” said one woman, “we had to start early cause some of us have classes at 7.”

    “I don’t understand.” says the late comer… but the other ladies appear engrossed in the film, trapped in their vegetative state.

    Me, I got up and walked out. Never did eat their popcorn… JUST SAY NO!!! Thank you Nancy!

    I don’t understand either. Hey, writers should know how to communicate… right? So, if your planning on starting a group early, wouldn’t you want to communicate that to potential members? Let them know “this week we’ll be meeting at 5:30 instead of 6” I could have been there at 5:30.

    Or hey, maybe let us know: This week we plan to throw out any pretense of looking at writing, instead we will be turning to movies. One woman will talk throughout the movie saying numerous times: “what the writer really meant was…”. I could have stayed home.

    Hey, want to talk about what a writer really wanted to convey? READ a PHQin (sound it out) book.

    Want people to come to a writers group? Talk about writing or writers.

  • Coincidences

    Amazing!

    Every time Monkey Boy (a.k.a George W Bush) makes a speech in favor of the “war” on “terror”

    1. the U.S. SUDDENLY intercepts messages from one terrorist to another

    and or

    2. a “specific threat” occurs in a major metropolitan area

    In a week or two on page 9 of the papers, in a little itty bitty section… we’ll hear this information is several years old…

    O what’s the use anyway? Who is John Galt?

  • Breast Cancer Awareness Month

    It’s that time of year when the nation, and me in particular, focus on early detection and prevention of Breast Cancer. See, my Mom is a breast cancer survivor… it truly means the world to me that she is still in this world. This year a former co-worker lost her life, after a long battle, to breast cancer. I don’t want to lose anyone else.

    “This year in America, more than 211,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 43,300 die. One woman in eight either has or will develop breast cancer in her lifetime. In addition, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 400 will die this year. If detected early, the five-year survival rate exceeds 95%. Mammograms are among the best early detection methods, yet 13 million U.S. women 40 years of age or older have never had a mammogram. Support The National Breast Cancer Foundation today and give the gift of hope to those in need.” – http://www.Nationalbreastcancer.org

    You can’t be too young, you can’t be too old… you can certainly be too stubborn to get a mammogram. A Mammogram, so I’ve been told, is an uncomfortable/painful/cold experience… hmmm… dead or uncomfortable? What was our choice to be? Self breast exams are also very important, know your breasts, make sure you check them regularly… if you notice anything out of the ordinary, get it checked out!

  • Hoodlums and Vandals

    Screwing with my bike while I’m in class.
    Moving the gears, adjusting the seat…
    I HATE KIDS.