Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamezrant

  • For Free & For Fun

    The circle and triangle of the program represent Recovery, Unity and Service together as a whole. They tell me it’s an ancient spiritual symbol that existed long before any 12 step program was ever dreamt about and means “wholeness”. I was taught to believe I need all three to recover from alcoholism – that I needed to find the program of action outlined in the 164 pages, that I had to find the fellowship amongst the members and that I needed to give away what was so freely given to me in service.

    When I first got sober I took many things for granted. I didn’t think about how much the rent was for the meeting space, or the books and coffee – I thought about the money in the basket quite a few times and wondered if anyone would notice if I took some. I was rather self-centered at the time and mostly just focused on what I could get out of life for me and what you could do for me.

    I talk quite a lot about shaking hands. I do because it was so important in changing who I was into who I am. When my sponsor told me to shake everyone’s hand before and after the meeting I hated him, I didn’t want to do that – I hate people. But I had agreed to go to “any lengths to recover from alcoholism” and I meant it. So every meeting I would stick out my hand and offer my name to so very many people (this was relatively small town WI, nothing like the meetings I attend in the big cities).

    Some of those people wanted to talk to me – ugh – and asked me how long I’d been sober. I’d rattle off “I’m 37 days sober today” and then they’d say “but who’s counting?” and I’d be all confused, like why ask… I don’t want to let anyone know these things – I hate people.

    After a few meetings people started to remember my name, and I felt obligated to try to remember theirs. I knew Mark M – he always had a suit on and a smile, he claimed he was sober for over 10 years but I didn’t really believe him. Nancy was new too and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, she always came in with her friend and they always sat together. Randy and Mike, Krista and Suzanne… I started to learn a little bit more about the people I didn’t want anything to do with. And I discovered, much to my dismay, that I didn’t hate ALL people… just most of them.

    Shaking hands led me to a job in the meetings of setting up. Then I got to tear down – I didn’t really like this one as I wanted to rush out and start smoking right away.  My home group started to teach me about service work at our monthly group conscience – and I’d always hear them share at meetings about the tradition and experience working with newcomers. They shared with me and invited me to events where the business of recovery happens – where I met many more characters and learned the ins and outs of the District, the Area and the General Service Office.

    I like to think my home group and my sponsor helped to make me “whole”. Sure the step work was important too, very important to discovering who I had been and how I could become the man I am today. But the service work was just as important.

    Bill W talks about all the different drunks he tried to help and not a one of them remained sober. It was Lois who pointed out that he was staying sober by helping them. He remembered that when he was very desperate in Akron and found Bob. And together, they in turn tried to help many others – only a handful stayed sober at first. It must have been very disheartening.

    I’ve worked with many a guy sharing what was so freely shared with me. Some very new, some around longer than I have been. I’ve made my share of mistakes with those guy and usually learn from those mistakes and grow. And while it can be devastating to lose one of them or to not reach them at all it helps me to stay sober and that really makes all the difference to me. Its really difficult to look at them struggling and not be able to reach them – to see their pain and hopelessness and know that if they just took that first step, if they were just willing to believe they’d be on a different path they could have never imagined… but they have to make their own journey there.I have expected gratitude from the new man I was trying to help. I’ve expected them to have a program just like mine… well, maybe I was really hurt when it wasn’t and flabbergasted ;-). Bill cautions us in our book about doing too much for the new man. We have to show them the way – not drag them in kicking and screaming, nor carry them in on a pampered throne. Many people come in ordered by the courts, the wife or circumstances… not all of those stay but I did, and I know many others who have as well.

    In our book it says “we have ceased fighting anything or anyone”. This is hard for me many days in and out of the rooms. Sometimes it’s very easy to get pulled into the drama. Sometimes, sadly, I might still start the drama – but I’m trying to be more aware of it and change.

    “Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.”

    I can be of more help to people and organizations I serve, if I show up and serve – without agendas, selfishness and anger. If I just show up and do what I was taught to do early on – I’m going to show up and smile, shake hands and be of service to the people about me to the best of my ability.

    I don’t serve for attention, accolades or accomplishments to add to my resume – I do it because I was told (and believe) that the constant thought of others must follow me throughout the day and when it does I have a better day. I have remarkable days in succession when I’m doing what I ought.

    This post was a bunch of different things that were running around in my head. They’re all in regards to things that are currently going on and they all tie together, even if it might not seem like it to the casual reader.

    “Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles” this is true for me still today and everyday. I think it’s true for a lot of people even those not in the rooms.

    How can I serve? How can I help? that’s how I get out of self, it’s been working for a good long time now and I can’t recommend it enough.

  • Whining, Windows and What The…

    I took the car in for it’s check-up and mentioned that the problem I was having with my window (see this video) is happening again.

    My buddy at the dealership said he’d have them take a look at it with everything else and get it fixed. About half way through the day (this was Thursday, the day after my April Fools joke that the car was stolen) he called to say it was taking longer than anticipated and they needed to order a new motor for it but had a loaner car for me.

    So after work they sent a van to pick me up and take me to the dealership where they gave me a Passat to drive. Not bad for a car, but no bluetooth or digital pedometer…. Worst of all… no push button start! OMG it was awful, I had to actually take the keys out of my pocket each time I wanted to start the car… and then remember to take them with me when I was leaving the car… the horror and incomprehensible demoralization is real. #whitewhine

    Friday they let me know the motor still wasn’t there and told me it would be ready no later than Saturday at 12. They called when I was at the SRI office to let me know it was ready, I was happy and after that gig I headed over to the dealership.

    My buddy there assured me everything was fine, let me know they changed filters and also the battery (apparently it failed a test they ran). Thankfully all covered under warranty. Woo Hoo!!!

    So I got into my little convertible bug and pushed the button for the top to go down and it was all working splendidly… and then… the drivers window only went down half way. That’s odd. At first I thought that it might be because it was only half way down when I got in, so I put the top back up and tried it again… Same result.

    So I went back inside and alerted them to the issue, they took it back again to the techs… and over 30 minutes later they still couldn’t figure out what was going on.. they thought it was the coding but it wasn’t, they tested a few other things with no go…

    *grumble, grumble, grumble*

    so he offered me the loaner car again, or he said I could just bring it back on Tuesday morning and they’d have a rental car for me then… that’s what I opted for.

    This post is basically a “Scottsdale problem” what in DC we would call a NW problem… and I should be happy to have a car at all, but sometimes I like to whine.

  • The Root of the Problem

    So back in November I had work done to prepare for two crowns – this was about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. I was in pretty serious pain – like 2 Advil and Tylenol like every four to six hours and even waking up in the middle of the night in pain and having to take more and go to bed. I was getting grumpier and grumpier – it wasn’t my best experience at the dentist (is there such a thing?).

    I called after four days of this and they assured me since the teeth were next to one another it would likely be more painful for longer than normal… so I kept on keeping on.  But the holiday was approaching and even more importantly, my birthday, so I wanted to be able to end this nastiness. I called and got snippy with the dentist when they said there was nothing they could do – then they called shortly after to let me know my crowns had arrived and it might alleviate the issues if they were placed.

    The dentist called me into his office and I was ready, damn ready for the pain to stop. I was in the chair, the dentist came in. Didn’t even look at my mouth but said “oh yeah, you likely need a root canal”. I took off work for him to tell me that WTF! I was pretty upset, maybe I was upset about the root canal thing too and it was helping to feed the fire cause after he told me “root canal” I started to hyperventilate, sweat and considered suicide (I kid you not, that’s what happens in my fucked up little mind). With the help of his staff I secured an appointment the 2nd of Dec… so after Thanksgiving :-(. I did manage to eat at Thanksgiving and enjoy myself but had lots of ibuprofen with me to help get through.

    That night at my meeting I talked to my sponsor, I was really fearful about the root canal and made that clear. I also shared that I was mad at the dentist – he asked “cause you don’t know if you can trust him now?” and honestly that didn’t occur to me until that moment – I was all mad cause he wasted my time. It never occurred to me that he might have gone too deep or something and caused the damage, not sure if that’s how it works or not…

    Root canal day came and I had the day off – I was pretty nervous and not sure if I would have the root canal done that day or not… was it just a consult or the real deal… also was it two root canals or just one… I tried not to think about anything about it for fear of panic attacks again. It was also a new place, a different dentist and that’s not at all comforting.

    The new place was just down the road a bit, nice enough with cramped waiting room and many people. Is that good or bad? I can’t decide. I waited quite a while before a handsome step or two above a dentist showed put to take a look. They took more X-rays and said “Yep, looks bad, but we want to run a test first” He took this little stick thing and touched it to each of my teeth and told me to raise my hand when I felt it – first tooth raised my hand after a second, second tooth almost immediately and the third tooth didn’t feel at all… “Yep, that ones dead” he said. He then said he was going on the assumption the second tooth was just inflamed due to the other and he was only going to do one root canal.

    They then put me in a different room and gave me some drugs. Told me to raise my hand if I felt anything, then they had me hold something to the roof of my mouth and that’s all I remember… until suddenly pain and I remembered to raise my hand. I had a dull ache. That was it… I guess they knocked me out and I probably signed something telling them they could but I don’t recall that 🙂 I went home with some pain meds and was uncomfortable most of the day.

    So that was December 2nd and I had a few days of pain that was medicated mostly with ibuprofen, but the pain that woke me up at night and made me more irritable was not there. I had sensitivity to cold and hot and when I’d brush my teeth, but hey that’s avoidable. My regular dentist was called to put on my permanent crowns and the earliest I could get in was today – December 30th.

    They shot me full of Novocaine and did some removing of temporary fillings from the root canal… I was still pretty sensitive even with the shots. But soon it was over and now I have two teeth in my mouth that feel really weird and they likely will for a while more.

    I’m glad this part is over and the new year is upon us…. but I know already from the X-rays I’ll need at least one more crown in the coming year and with that comes the fear… sigh… oh well, I’ll worry (or try not to worry) about that then.

  • Change the World

    I’m disappointed, but not surprised, by the Ferguson verdict. Why anyone is surprised that the white, rich, powerful continue to get away with murder is beyond me – this is what we’ve allowed to happen. This is the world we live in, this is the world we let happen – especially when we don’t vote.

    You want to riot in the streets, that’s great! In ten years FoxNews, CNN and the Huffington Post will do specials “Looking back on the Ferguson Riots” and maybe you’ll make it on TV and have your 15 minutes. Want to loot and look like sports fans that start fires and turn over cars in the streets… yeah, that’s great TV stuff too feel free.

    But do you want real change? Do you want to feel real justice in this great country of ours? Then VOTE, get your friends to VOTE, get your family to VOTE.

    Vote out the rich old white dudes who’ve been elected 20 times and don’t change anything. Vote out the rich corporations that pay those old rich white dudes to cater to them. Vote out the lie spewing people at every level of government, make a difference, let your voice be heard.

    White, rich, religious men and women have all the power in this country. If you want change it isn’t about rioting and talking to Anderson Cooper on TV, it’s about changing the world. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results – did the Rodney King riots change the status quo? Did the George Zimmerman verdict change the law?

    Let this be the last time this happens in our country, let the people REALLY speak and change it. But that requires action on our part, that requires us to make this change happen…

    But we’re Americans: lazy, uninspired, freedom lovers… so it won’t change at all.

  • Hiding in Plain Sight

    *I don’t speak for AA*

    I attended a Grapevine writing workshop in Tucson two weekends ago – the area GVR told me about it and I figured it was the least I could do as the GVR for the home group. They wanted people there who had been published in the Grapevine to share their experience with that entire process. I met five other published authors there and we all brought copies of our stories to share with the workshop. There were funny stories, tragic stories and ones that taught valuable lessons about growth. The panelists were asked to share one of their stories with the group and how that all worked – all of us did so and were met with approval until the last person shared….

    Instead of reading her story and sharing on it she opted to step on a soapbox regarding anonymity. She let us know her feelings on the dangers of being too open on Facebook, too open in general and her fears about the future of AA. Sadly – most of the questions from the workshop then went to that topic instead of writing and sharing experience, strength and hope.

    (more…)

  • Grass in the Calipers

    My car was making some noises – the brakes were squeaking and there was a “ker plunk, lunk lunk” when I’d hit bumps sounding like it came from behind the driver panel – so I took it to the shop. It’s nice that it’s still under warranty or whatever so they take care of it, when I bring it in they even wash the exterior for me. It was cold out yesterday morning (60 something) so I had the top down, heated seats and heat blasting. The dealership then puts me in a shuttle and got me to work (cute little bear cub driver too).

    Around 11 they called to let me know my car was good to go – seems there was a clip not attached in the back panel on the drivers side which was causing the nosies when I hit bumps – how it got unclipped I don’t know.

    The service guy said “your brakes were squealing cause you had grass in your calipers”.

    “Oh” i said (I have no idea was calipers are – I don’t know much about cars… I can never find the discombobulating thing-a-ma-bobber when I need it)

    The service guy wanted to know how grass got there and I couldn’t remember – until just before I fell asleep.

    (more…)

  • Football, Chickens and Jedi Knights

    For weeks we practice – we meet and discuss our game plan, our strategy. We go over in minute detail what our goal is going to be for the upcoming game – how can we keep the ball moving forward and reach the end zone?  Reviewing past games where things didn’t go so well, listening to excuses for why the ball was fumbled and nodding to assurances it won’t happen again. You’re prepared, the coach gave the pep talk, the players are anxious to get started.

    You line up on the field – everyone on their toes ready to go. You do the hard count:

    32 – 57 – Left – HUT HUT

    You watch, seemingly in slow motion as the ball leaves the center and you grip it in your fingers… pull back to  look downfield. (more…)

  • I Became An Old Man

    I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but it was just over the last few days that I realized I’ve become an old man.. It’s not just that one of my supervisors and a former cube mate haven’t seen any of the Star Wars movies (I was stunned really – they seem like such good people too) it’s other things over the last month or so. I’m 43, not that terribly old I know but it’s the attitudes that convinced me it finally happened.

    Screen Shot 2014-07-27 at 7.11.57 AM

    Yesterday afternoon I went to see Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – which I recommend – and I had to leave my row because the people on all sides of me kept using their devices. Goddamn whipper-snappers have no respect for those around them you know. There are even commercials at the movies specifically asking people not to do this but there they were just checking Facebook or Snapchat or some nonsense. I moved to the front of the theatre, like row 5 and no one was in front of me… then towards end of the movie someone took a photo using flash… WTF children, WTF.

    (more…)

  • Put the "fun" in Funerals

    I’ve been thinking about funerals lately – near death experiences by a couple of folks have put dying in my rotating thought patterns. Then I start thinking about wills and cremation and making sure there is a gold coin in my mouth before I’m burned – just in case I end up at the river Styx and need to pay Charon, being stuck on this side of the river would be rather boring I’d think.

    Who’s funerals do I have to attend? Seems an odd question doesn’t it? There must be some kind of etiquette that tells me  the ones I have to go to. Obviously close family, but not the bible thumping crazy aunt – unless she’s come into a fortune and me getting a chunk of it is dependent on attending the morbid death ritual – and even then, probably not. Co-workers (current job or all the others? Fellow AAs (maybe just the ones that weren’t annoying)? Certainly former sponsors, certain ex bosses and a lover or two…

    I figure that I had to make my own rules for this kind of thing and decided that if I would invite them to my own wedding – not for gifts, but because I actually enjoy their company – then I’d be willing to put up with a funeral. Granted, I have no intention of getting married, much to selfish to give up my free time, but if I were and wanted to invite some people – those are the people that I’d miss if they were dead – most likely… maybe… I guess (more…)

  • I Know Better

    I always think I know better. It almost doesn’t matter what the case is – I have a better solution than the one you’re suggesting or using. Someone suggests something – I’ll think about it, but I probably already have a plan that’s better than that.

    For example, going canoeing for the first time outside Washington DC back in 98 or 99 people suggested sunscreen, but I wasn’t a city boy, I could take a little sun and be fine. Didn’t matter how long we’d be outside I don’t need not stinking sunscreen… burned the hell out of the top of my thighs, they were almost purple and it hurt pretty bad for a few days. I thought I knew better but obviously I didn’t. (more…)