Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamez

  • A Heifer for Heffner #heifer4heffner

    Tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. It was something I was really looking forward to, an event that brought me happy tears just planning it with someone I thought loved me. We had picked gorgeous flowers, a novelty cake, a quaint church with stunning views of San Francisco’s Bay Bridge (if the fog would have allowed), sappy music, dancing, delectable food… yep, we were going to go all out and celebrate our love for one another with our closest friends and family. But two months before the wedding he dumped me with no explanation and no goodbye.

    Cold Hearted – Written by Zac Brown and Nic Cowan

    Fell to my knees with a knife in my back,
    Never thought you’d be the kind to do something like that,
    But you did
    Cold hearted

    You talked so sweet, and your smell it made me weak,
    And I fell so fast that I never thought to ask
    If you were
    Cold hearted

    While planning the wedding we had some debate about a gift registry and I wanted donations sent to Heifer International, a great non-profit that provides animals and training of how to raise those animals to needy communities in all parts of the world. It’s pretty smart idea “teach a man to fish” and all that… The former betrothed was adamantly opposed to this idea as a vegetarian (er, sorry pescatarian – someone who eats some animals [fish] ) as these needy people would just wait for the volunteers to leave and then butcher the animal for food. I tried to reason with him and show him the documented evidence on the website, but he was stubborn and adamant about it. One of many reasons people think I probably dodged a bullet by not marrying him.

    An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    I want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do
    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted

    Pretty little words covered your dark and crooked heart
    With a forked tongue I fell in love,
    Then I fell apart
    You are so
    Cold hearted

    Since he called off the wedding and I still have a resentment festering inside (yes, I am indeed poking it with a stick several times a day). I’ve decided to buy a Heifer through Heifer International to benefit some needy community. I urge you to also, it’s a great opportunity to help end world hunger. If you want to take the special time to honor my not getting married check out Heifer’s website and maybe make a contribution to them. I know times are tough right now in the US, but it’s a lot harder to live in some countries and we can help.

    Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    I want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do
    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted

    Tomorrow night I’ll be dining with some friends at Fogo De Chao,  a Brazilian steakhouse – the more meat the merrier, they just keep bringing meat until you’re satisfied. A bunch of friends are joining me for dinner and friends all over the country will be joining me in spirit going out of their way to chow down on some meat! Love me some beef!

    An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth
    Want someone to hurt you, make you die the way I do

    I don’t think that I could be so
    Cold hearted 

    What could be better than a cow for some needy community – besides the fact that I don’t actually have to spend any time in San Francisco or San Antonio ever again if I don’t want to. Life goes on, better fish in the sea and all that…

    So today, please help me spread the word about Heifer International, stop and have a burger or a steak, shop for some leather, or pull a Palin and shoot something from a helicopter. Do it for Hefner, do it for the Heifer… My heart will appreciate it. Moooooo

    And if you’re going to chow down on meat tomorrow please use #Heifer4Heffner on your Twitter feed.

    And buy this song from the Zac Brown Band: Cold Hearted

  • Over Not Under

    I have peculiar habits – I assume most people do. For instance when doing my daily dental activities I

    1. Use the Waterpik (which if you don’t have one I highly recommend)
    2. Rinse with Plax (it loosens up the existing plaque before you brush)
    3. Use my SonicCare toothbrush (love this)
    4. Rinse with ACT

    For some people, that might seem like a lot and for other people they’d be shocked to hear I don’t floss also. I do all these things because I really have no desire to let Dentists mess up my teeth or even fix up my teeth unless it’s absolutely necessary. (On several occasions I’ve had huge panic attacks while in a dentists chair, usually before they can even say “Hi how are you today.” )

    It goes OVER!

    I also am a firm believer that the toilet paper goes OVER not under. I have even taken steps in other people’s homes to correct this situation when it arises, which thank the gods has not happened very often. I can’t wrap my head around having it under, it makes absolutely no sense to me. Why? How should I know – it’s just tantamount to blasphemy!. Blasphemy, I say!

    So Tuesday afternoon when I arrived at home I was stunned to see the roll in my bathroom placed in the under position.  Every other Tuesday is when the cleaning lady comes – so I know who did it, and she’s done it before. The last time she did it she replaced the roll with a new roll as it was almost out – I could understand that and thought “Perhaps she was in a hurry and didn’t realize that she put it on incorrectly.” It’s possible… or so I thought, until Tuesday that is.

    See as a precautionary measure I’ve been making sure the rolls are pretty full on the days she comes to the house to avoid this affront to humanity. This time it was deliberate, she actually removed the roll to place it back in incorrectly! *Gasp*

    I was really upset about this and thought it might ruin my whole day – then I remembered that I’m fortunate enough to have a cleaning lady come to the house twice a week for a reasonable fee. I can manage to put up with this little thing and maybe she’ll eventually pick up on the proper way to roll – OVER not under.

  • DC's Change

    DC Comics announced their plans this week to relaunch the DC Universe this summer renumbering most of its current series and giving almost every hero a makeover to make them into heroes that would fit into the modern world. You can read about on USA Today, CNN or Facebook and probably even on DC‘s very own website. Most of the fanboys I know are not very happy about this news – we’ve seen it before and it hasn’t gone well and usually ends up screwing up the continuity even more than before.

    I started reading super-hero comics quite by accident really. My Mother would have copies of Archie or Casper the Friendly Ghost and the like but it was never anything like Superman or Spider-Man. Then one visit to my great aunts I found a beat up copy of the X-Men – by beat up I mean this thing had no cover, was missing a few pages and was ripped here and there. What was inside though was beyond my imagination – heroes unlike any that I had ever seen before on panel after panel and all working as a team. I was immediately most in love with Ice Man – and this was before he became all glossy and sleek, he was still more snowman than iceman but he was my favorite. I was really confused about all their powers and didn’t have a clue about their origins but my whole universe changed as a result of that comic book – it became an obsession.

    For the next few years I would search out comic books wherever I thought they might be – the grocery store, Ben Franklin, magazine stands at road side cafes anywhere that might have the slimmest I would scour the store for an issue of anything that looked remotely entertaining. When I was fifteen, living with my grandmother I was fortunate enough to find a local store that not only sold comic books, but didn’t realize they should be taxing me for them – this lasted for about 2 years before the merchant caught on and then was nice enough to let me know why the prices went up – I didn’t know they should be taxed either. It was in that store that I found a copy of Crisis on Infinite Earths – which I only bought because I had read everything else the store had to offer. Back when I first started reading comics were about .35 cents each.

    What was inside for me was absolute confusion – I didn’t know any of these heroes and the infinite earth thing was really a lot for me to try to wrap my mind around. I think this was the third issue, I eventually found a copy of the first and tried to piece together what was going on. There were heroes in the story that I did recognize: Flash, Batman, Superman, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Robin, Green Lantern, Spectre… but there were also alternate versions of some of these characters which kind of kept me in the dark for a while. I did manage to collect all the issues and I honestly cried when Supergirl sacrificed her life for her cousin Superman – for me it was a defining moment, there are somethings worth dying for. It made superheroes something more for me than just some silly drawings on a page, they stood up for what was right and made the world a better price, no matter what the personal cost may be. It mattered to me at 15, and if I reread those issues today it would still have an effect on me – it was a great story.

    Crisis was supposed to help clean up some of the notorious continuity issues that DC had for the last 50 years or so – they were going to make Superman more super and really make him the last survivor of his destroyed planet, Pre-Crisis there was Superman, Supergirl, Power Girl, Superman from Earth II (which was really the first Earth)… well there were suddenly an awful lot of Kryptonians for a planet that had been destroyed when Kal-El (Superman) was rocketed to Earth as a babe. One of the ways to do this was by killing Supergirl. She wasn’t  the only hero to die during this series, we lost The Flash (Barry Allen), Kole, Robin and Huntress (the old ones not the new ones) and a bunch of others…

    However, Supergirl is not dead anymore – I’m getting off track here, go read my post about dead heroes not staying dead: “…and it sold comics“.

    In 85 or 86 I met my friend Ted who introduced me to a darker side of comic books that I had not yet known. He showed me Cerebus, Magic, Hellblazer, Nexus (which helped me get the US Military recruiters to quit calling – long story) The Titans (ok, maybe not dark, but definitely outside the scope of what I was reading), Swamp Thing, (Mike Grell’s) Green Arrow – it was pretty amazing. We would read for hours on end these spectacular stories that took us to a different world, away from all the troubles that happen to trouble two teen outcasts in rural Wisconsin. Ted even introduced me to the Dark Phoenix saga, which I had missed – most of the X-Men issues were not regularly stocked at the store where I got books. Ted also introduced me to Westfield which delivered comics to his home – wow, unheard of for me. Ted was also the guy took me to my first comic book store – geek heaven, let me tell you (In my adult life I’ve been to much larger comic book stores across the country but the one in Eau Claire was pretty amazing for a small town boy). Ted and I had dreams of writing comics and owning our own store when we were young… sometimes you grow up and dreams change.

    Present Day: Books and Comic books can be read on portable devices – some of you may remember the movie with Tom Hanks in 1988 called Big. During that movie Tom had a job at a toy company and he proposed electronic comics way back then and today it’s a reality.

    I can read DC, Marvel, Image and whatever other companies are out there making comics on my phone, my iPad, and even on my computer screen – and the comic book companies are charging me the same price they would charge for an actual comic that I could hold in my hand and read smell and touch. This technology has to change the way that comics are made and distributed – and I’m sad to say that it’s probably for the best, but I’ll miss the old ones.

    So back to the point of my rant here, DC is relaunching 52 titles over the next year and giving almost every character in the DC universe a makeover. They say they’re doing this to clear things up for new readers and bring in new readers as well as keep old readers. I don’t know that that’s what’s going to happen nor do I really believe that that’s their sole purpose here. See some people think all of these #1 issues are going to be worth big bucks, but I’ve been around long enough to remember all the “Alternate Covers” back in the 90s that they printed hundreds of and sure enough suckers bought em, but I don’t think most of them are worth what they paid for em.

    If you want to know why some comic books are worth a lot of money from way back when you really need to see a documentary about it from the History Channel (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0373763/ ) and realize that those comics were around during the war and parents (and children probably) donated them towards the war effort making the remaining copies the rare finds that they are.

    So to DC I say, good luck guys and gals. I’ve been reading DC and Marvel comics since that first X-Men book and chances are I’ll continue to read them until my eyesight fails. But I hope for their sake that this isn’t a gimick, that this wont be like the episode of Dallas when Bobby was in the shower – change is necessary for everything, but meaningless change wont help you here . Also, as a 15 year old boy I cried when you killed Supergirl not just because it was a tragic sacrifice, but because at the time you had made the story so engrossing I actually cared about her – return to those days with your stories, return to the days when a death had more finality and a hero was believed in because they brought a sense of hope and wonder to the minds of readers. Make us care again and make it worth out $2.99.

  • The Con Game

    I believed in love.

    Despite all the evidence to the contrary I let myself believe that it was possible to be in love. This love thing is a virus that slowly eats away at who you are and then tries to destroy you with its obsessions and compromises. I was so certain that what I felt was true leading me to share my joy with the people closest to me, convincing me to change the very order of my universe to meet loves needs. I’m a fool. That, I think is what’s bothering me most about this whole situation – that I let my guard down and let someone come in and con me.

    The evidence has been before me for years: the increasing divorce rate, my mothers failed 7 or 8 marriages, infidelity every where you look in the news in all aspects of race and class; yet I failed to heed these warnings and instead allowed myself to believe that there was something more. I’m a fool. For too long a period I believed in happily ever after and til death do us part.

    So now I’m filled with shame, I let myself fall for one of the oldest con games in the universe. That’s disappointing, even more so that I did it publicly and let others see me happy – that’s a mistake I’ll try not to repeat.

    Men are only good for one thing, at this point I think they should all be gagged so they can’t lie to me (which is all men do ladies and guys, they’re born that way). Ride em hard and then leave em there, don’t get attached, like a stray dog if you start to feed them (attention, affection, interest) before you know it you’ll be picking up their shit on the sidewalk after they dump on you again and again. Men are dogs, keep em on a short leash and in the back yard.

    Burn it all

  • In a Spot

    I’m in a spot. It’s a dark spot. I’d say it was a santorum but nothing really enjoyable immediately preceded the spot. Right now I can’t seem to care about – well anything.

    Yesterday a dear old friend called me from her hospital bed and told me first why she was there and then other troubles going on, but I can’t seem to care about it. I still took steps to spread the word to some of our other friends so she’d get a few calls, but honestly it couldn’t pierce the fog I’ve managed to wade into.

    A few other friends have recently gotten engaged or made their relationship “Facebook Official”, and again it doesn’t seem to matter too much to me. These I understand a bit more having only been a month ago dumped.

    The boss sent me an email and it took me reading it probably more than five times before I saw that he wasn’t firing me, but was worried about me. I’m in a spot. It’s a deep dark spot and I hate it.

    What I hate more than being in a spot is people who complain about being in a spot – so at present I doubly hate myself. I’m going to sit here and whine about this that and the other thing and that really isn’t productive – I hate people like that. But, I’m in a spot, so I’ll probably whine a bit more.

    There a probably lots of things to be happy about: a new Avengers: Earths Mightiest Hero’s is likely downloading tonight or tomorrow, I’ve been able to watch Game of Thrones, I have friends that I’ve known for over 20 years that call me when they are in the hospital cause they know I (normally) care, I have friends that I’ve known almost twenty years that tell me I reacting normally, I have friends… yeah, all those things are probably things that should make me happy, but mostly today all I wanted to do was cry and sleep. Sadly, I’m in a spot.

  • Silence Your Noise Makers

    At today’s meeting, like at most meetings, the secretary/chairperson/whomever made the announcement for everyone to please silence their cell phones, she did so to her own phone as she was asking all of us to. This has become common place in meetings that I’ve been attending for quite a while now, however when I first came to meetings cell phones weren’t generally found outside of your car, where they were attached by a cord. (Yes, this means I am quite old.) It doesn’t really matter if the phone is silenced, I and others can still hear it when you have it on vibrate and then all the noise you make while you rummage through your purse or back pack trying to see who it is that contacted you. But, don’t worry, I’m sure the person talking wasn’t saying anything important enough for us to be able to hear them.

    Old Princess Phones

    This morning someone’s phone rang during the meeting, it was an actual phone ring tone like the old princess phones used to make before technology came and made those outdated. The woman rummaged through her purse for several minutes, giving us that delightful tone repeatedly 5 times before she got to it – unfortunately she didn’t silence it then and we were subjected to the voicemail notification sound, which was a high-pitched chirp. Experience, strength and hope? nah, thanks, I’m trying to answer the phone. It’s bound to happen, I myself have forgotten to turn off my phone on a few occasions and now double-check more frequently than I used to.

    It’s usually not too bad when this happens, at the same time that this woman’s phone was going off music started to play outside the room, we could feel the deep bass reverberations and it grew increasingly louder – several people went out to see what was going on and the music stopped – for a while – it made an appearance again later.

    What really gets my goat is the folks that are using their phones and gadgets in the room during the meeting. One guy in particular gets several messages on his cell phone during meetings and he just answers them and puts his phone back in its holster, did I mention it makes  a “beep” each time he gets a message, he has it turned down low, but all of us can still hear it. Thank you sir, but perhaps you should talk to your sponsor about the definition of sharing, this isn’t it.

    messaging away

    Two people at today’s meeting were busy reading emails and typing away on their iPhone, one of them had the “click” activated for each letter and we were able to hear that she can type quite fast when she’s using it, I’m sure her boss is happy about that. Thanks for sharing.

    Is it really so much to ask that you pay attention during the meeting instead of using your phone? I called someone out of this a year or so ago, a chronic relapser that was busy typing away into his iPhone right next to me when I was trying to listen to the meeting. I told him after the meeting that he might have more success at staying sober if he put his phone down and listened to the message. He didn’t take it well and a few months later he went out to do some more experimentation.

    Recently a conversation about younger people and their attachment to technology was had by Suzanne and myself, she’s a supervisor and during a recent training session mentioned that young people have a different work ethic than what was instilled in people my age or older. It’s not that they don’t work and get their job done, but they tend to do two things at once that us (and I’m not trying to group us all up into one category) older folks can’t really do as well. This is not an excuse for the sales clerk in Macy’s to be on their cell phone when I’m checking out or for the Burger King worker to be texting instead of helping the customers, but it should help me to come to terms with the changing face of how things work, sometimes even in AA meeting.

    "Big Book" on my iPad

    At a Big Book meeting in San Antonio last year I was getting annoyed at a man who was on his iPad during the meeting, it really started to get to me. Then when he shared his experience he started reading from it and I realized that he had the text on his iPad, I suppose this should have made me less annoyed but it didn’t, I had to come to appreciate it, it doesn’t help that technically speaking what’s on his iPad is not General Service Conference-Approved material. I have it on my iPad also, sometimes it’s nice to be able to look at the Book on the technology that’s available and I hope AA catches up soon.

    Speaking of AA and technology, this afternoon I was able to make my AA birthday contribution via credit card on the web, I LOVE that. If it’s your AA birthday you should check it out at www.aa.org .

  • Losing the Connection

    About a year ago, after years of poor quality service and hours upon hours of time on the phone with thickly accented “tech support” people named Jack and Fred – the household left Verizon’s DSL and phone service in hopes that my previous enjoyable experience with COX (in my nine months living in VA my COX internet went out once – for an hour – I was very impressed) cable out of Virginia would be as seamless with telecommunications giant Comcast.

    I was so excited the day they arrived to hook us up, but it wasn’t long before I was on the phone with Comcast local help line wondering what was going on. The phone and the internet simultaneously didn’t work, but the TV was unaffected. They seemed stumped each time I called and the only solution seemed to be unhooking the cable from the back of the modem and then hooking it back up – a temporary solution that sometimes only lasted 5 minutes. This was a really frustrating fix as the computers are upstairs and the modem downstairs.

    After a while it seemed like there was a pattern to when the connection would terminate and we started keeping a log of when it happened each day. Almost every day we lost the connection at 10:00 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 3:00 p.m. and around 8:00 p.m. (sometimes right at 10:30 p.m. too). This was good I thought, if they know that these outages are happening at regular they may be to come up with a solution.

    As a result I called Comcast frequently to see if they could determine what the problem was – one of these phone calls went like this:

    “Can’t you see that our connection keeps cutting off there in your office?” I asked the Comcast representative.

    “For all I know, your disconnecting it yourself everyday.” she replied

    She honestly thinks that I’m so bored with my life that I want to call Comcast every day? Seriously

    Fancy New Modem

    So Comcast technicians would come to the house, there have been several and each of them were certain they knew what the problem was and that the solution they would prescribe would fix it. The latest visit from their tech people gave us a new fancy modem… but it too is not fixing the problem.

    At this point you should be reminded that I really will do just about anything to avoid going back to Verizon, their customer service that bad that I’m willing to have spent the last year with the bad service at Comcast, mostly because at least the Comcast people would listen to me on the phone and not speak in (in broken english) from a script that didn’t usually have anything to do with my issue. My roommate is a consultant and needs the phone and the internet to work when he’s here at home – never mind that it really began to affect my game play on World of Warcraft.

    Well, I’d finally had it and we’re having RCN come on Wednesday to install their service with TiVo (which is the best, if you have never really experienced a genuine TiVo you’re missing out – it’s far superior to the every day DVR) Premiere service. I’m also getting Showtime and HBO (so I can watch Dexter and Game of Thrones when they are on instead of waiting for iTunes).  I’m hopeful that the experience with RCN will be better than it’s been with Comcast, I’m hoping RCN is as good to me as COX was… if not, I may have to go back to Verizon.

    Well, I’d better post this and go there’s no telling how long my connection will last…

  • Testy

    Yesterday, it was all I could do to not smack the happy couple walking in the middle of the sidewalk in front of me – holding hands, smiling, bumping into one another. I did manage to just walk by them and not smack them with my bag… but I was tempted. It’s not only that they were a happy smiling couple, they were in the middle of the sidewalk and oblivious to other peoples needs to get around them… ok, maybe it was just that they were a happy couple.

    I had my annual physical yesterday as well, all is normal: high cholesterol, old man, lose weight, eat better, exercise and get some sleep. Truthfully I have a great doctor at Kaiser who is easy to talk to and doesn’t rag on me to much. I was tested for everything and I’m negative… so were the tests.

    Today I go into the CVS, and granted I’m not smiling and wearing my Harley Davidson Biker boots and just generally pissed off and a police officer follows me in and stares at me until I’m done. Go figure.

    I can’t find anything in my iTunes Library that I want to listen to. Sigh.

    This weekend I’m heading to the Virginia Beach area to spend time with Zanne, that should be helpful. I’ll go to the gym with her a few times, Body Step and crap, but it should be ok… I don’t mind step classes. And she said we could go see Tron – she meant Thor – so hopefully Tron isn’t playing anywhere…

  • End Of the Engagement Woes

    Even planning to get married is expensive, I’ve put down $1,600 in non-refundable deposits since October. He fronted deposits for other things as well, but I don’t recall the amount right now.

    For the reception I booked the San Francisco Marriott Fisherman’s Wharf, I put down a non-refundable deposit of $900. That guaranteed me rooms for 50 nights (10 rooms on Thursday, 20 rooms on Friday and Saturday) at a special rate ($160 a night) and the ballroom. I thought that was a pretty good deal…. until I tried to cancel the reception.

    That bill is $12,989.44. I seriously said WTF when I saw it. So first I emailed and asked for explanations and was told: The contract I signed says that if we cancel for any reason I’m responsible for paying for any revenue they wouldn’t get for the rooms and the ballroom. So reviewing the contract with my boss, it does kind of look like I should have read it better than I did. So we drafted a letter that basically said:

    This letter is being provided in accordance with Section Five: Cancellation/Modification and Section 7.5 Dispute Resolution.

    Due to unexpected and unfortunate circumstances, it was necessary to totally cancel this event. Accordingly, notice was formally given to the hotel on April 21, 2011.

    Considering that notice was given more than 60 days prior to the scheduled June 25, 2011 event and prior to the May 27, 2011 cut-off date for room reservations, I request that we mutually agree to cancel our contract without penalty.

    In addition, I request that you refund my $900 deposit as, in accordance with 4.1 Deposit, it was provided solely for the purpose of securing the room block which has been released back to the hotel more than 60 days prior to the event.

    I thank you for the opportunity to have scheduled this event and am both sad and disheartened that it will not occur as had been anticipated.

    I should note here that on April 22, the hotel started to phone the guests who had booked rooms to let them know the event had been cancelled and if they still wanted their room they would have a new rate of $239 a night. Some of these guest hadn’t heard yet that the wedding was off so I received frantic phone calls asking what was up.

    The hotels sales manager contacted me back and said: awww, that’s too bad. When are you going to pay us our $12,989:

    I am very disappointed to hear that you will no longer be having your event beginning on June 23, 2011, with us at the San Francisco Marriott Fisherman’s Wharf.

    As I am xxxxxx xxxxx direct supervisor, I asked her to forward all questions regarding your contractual obligations to me so that I may answer you directly.

    Per the points that you address in your letter to us – please note the following:

    1.) We did receive formal notice of your intent to cancel your event on April 21, 2011. In your letter, you imply that this date is relevant to your cancellation obligations. The date of cancellation, however, has no bearing in section 5.1, which outlines your cancellation fees.

    2.) Your cancellation obligations are outlined in your contract dated October 20, 2010, in section 5.1, entitled “Group’s Cancellation”. Pursuant to this paragraph, “100% of all estimated revenues” are owed to the hotel at time of cancellation. Additionally, the definition of “estimated revenues” is listed in this paragraph. I believe that xxxx has sent you an invoice outlining all liquidated damage fees, totaling $13,889.44.

    3.) We have applied your $900 deposit to the above total, making your current outstanding amount owed at $12,989.44. I see that in your letter you request that we refund this $900 deposit to you. As xxxx mentions below, pursuant to section 4.1 of your contract, deposits are “non-refundable”.

    4.) As you mention in your letter, the cutoff date for your attendees to obtain your discounted Group Rate was indeed May 27, 2011. This date, however, has absolutely no relevance to your cancellation fees. All cancellation obligations are outlined in section 5.1.

    5.) You reference section 7.5, Dispute Resolution in your letter. We too always prefer to have contractual questions first addressed through informal means, versus immediately pursuing legal opportunities. So I appreciate the opportunity to address your questions and clarify your contractual obligations.

    Please let me know if there is any further clarification you require as well as your estimated timeline of payment.

    So I asked her if she didn’t think she could resell the rooms, to which I was told

    We have had this space blocked off for your event since October of 2010.
    Thus, we have turned away multiple opportunities from groups looking to
    contract both the guestrooms and function space.  Now that we are only
    two months away from your originally scheduled date, however, we do not
    anticipate being able to resell this space at this time.

    So, first I said, “it’s Gay Pride weekend in San Francisco, I think you’ll be able to sell the rooms” then I said: “Could I resell them on Craigslist? I know I could sell them”. Apparently not:

    It is a violation of our contract with Marriott International to allow
    anyone other than an approved Wholesaler, with a registered Wholesaler
    license and tax-exempt status, to “re-sell” guest rooms.

    So now I’m not sure what to do, I’d rather not think about the wedding at all, but these folks want $13,000 for rooms and space I can no longer want to use and am sure will be resold at a higher rate. I’m running out of options here and am looking for advice on what to do. One person told me to file bankruptcy, but I’m really not a fan of doing that. I just really don’t think I should have to pay for something that 1. I’m not going to use, 2. will be resold at a higher rate, and 3. reminds me that I was going to get married.

    *sigh*

  • Still Confused After All These Days

    Last night I dreamed that he wrote a long email to his friends and cc’d me to let them know the reason he decided to call it off was because I didn’t have good earning potential and that he really didn’t like cats after all. Seeing as how I’m not really sure what his reasons were these reasons seems about as sane as any other.

    I’ve been asked over and over again if there were any clues to this coming, what happened, and what happens now. It’s been suggested to me that I help clear up some of that so folks will have a better grasp of everything.

    He arrived on Saturday and I really didn’t have a clue that anything was really wrong until Tuesday. In fact I would say Monday was one of the best days ever and he had expressed having a really great day as well. We had dinner with two friends on Monday night and after those two friends knew we were deep in love – so did I.

    I had printed out a DC marriage license and suggested that he fill it out as he has better hand writing – and I found it odd that it sat there from Saturday until he left. That was the only big thing that should have given me warning that something was up.

    We didn’t argue about anything major, nothing that’ll really knock your socks off… some of it had to do with Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Cleanliness, neatness, vacations, and the definition of a relationship. He seemed to think that I needed to watch all the TV shows that he watched, and do all the things that he wanted to do.Part of his vacation plans each year are one week in NYC and one week in San Francisco, and I suggested that we might need separate vacations – not just because I’m not a fan of San Francisco – as I would only have 2 weeks of vacation a year at a new job (hopefully) and I’d like to enjoy that time. This was apparently the last straw for him.

    It seemed to me like he wanted me to like all the things he liked and do all the things he did. I told him that wasn’t reasonable and that a marriage wasn’t about me just fitting into his mold, but us making new molds together. His argument was that if we were together I should have a good time regardless of what it was – my retort was that if I took him to the dentist I’d still not have a good time. He just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.

    Full disclosure here – he had expressed interest, when we planned this trip here, to go see the monuments. I was very clear that this wasn’t something I had any interest in doing. I’ve toured the monuments every time a friend or family member has come to visit and they really don’t do a thing for me – He’s been to DC several times and had seen them before. I suggested that he do this while I was at work, but he was adamant about it and I finally gave in and went with him. I was NOT over-joyed, but was a good tour guide, I pointed things out he might not have known about (the FDR and it turns out he hadn’t ever been) and talked about the cherry tree’s and we got to see the MLK Monument construction. I only complained during this tour after what had to be the 25th photo of the Washington Monument. As we left the Jefferson Memorial I reminded him that he wanted to see Dorothy’s Shoes – and he said it wasn’t important, so we headed home as we had a play to see that evening.

    At this point I really don’t think anything is wrong, the previous night we had a minor tiff and both apologized to one another and slept like normal people. But he’s apparently been holding on to somethings (including not seeing Dorothy’s Shoes, having to vacation in Maui with me for my birthday…) which he’s about to bring up. So we had the same argument again basically and then walked in virtual silence to the play. I really couldn’t tell you if the play was good, it might have been had he and I been talking to one another.

    On the walk home he finally started to talk to me and said he didn’t know what to say. So I opted to talk and it went something like this:

    “I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I think I have to tell you something.” me

    “I completely agree” him

    “You don’t even know what I was going to say” I say and look at him, I can kind of tell what’s coming but can’t really believe it. “I think you should go to New York yourself this weekend and figure out what you really want.”

    “I don’t want to marry you.” he says

    We’re still in the street on the way to the house and it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face… but I say: “Ok”

    When we get to the house I tell him to sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep on the couch. I text my best friends to let them know what’s happening and try to get some sleep.

    (it’s Thursday) In the morning I heard him finish packing and I offered to print his Amtrak ticket info for Friday, he said “that would be nice” and I did so.

    When I cam down stairs and handed him his Amtrak info he looked at me and said:

    “Please don’t stay in touch, I’m not at all interested.”

    …

    Really, that’s how it happened – I’m really flabbergasted. I’ve cried quite a bit, I’ve had hours of lying in my bed trying to sleep and entirely to many hours thinking and replaying the whole thing. I keep wondering what I really did wrong or what the truth is, as none of this seems plausible at all. Several people have pointed out that it’s better we discover this now instead of waiting until I was fully immersed in TX.

    How am I doing? Well, I’m still pretty screwed up about the whole thing. I’m really tired of all the phone calls and texts from friends, yes I know they do it because they love me and they know it annoys me so I know that brings them joy. 😛

    I’ll get through this and move on to better and brighter things and maybe some day I’ll discover what really happened here… but apparently not today.