I’m reluctant to ever say:
even if it’s kind of how I feel… I’m a doomsayer you know, predict the end times for myself time and again, usually just in my brain (I wouldn’t want others to worry) and I know if I were to state such a thing a meteor would be plucked from its course and given a trajectory of my destination within the next day or so… so instead, lets just say:
I’m very busy.
much safer that way for all of us… depending on the size of the meteor it could have been catastrophic to a lot more people and then I’d feel guilty. My brain is a complicated place, I shouldn’t go in there alone.
I’m actively involved in a home group for my recovery, not even at the suggestion of a sponsor or anything – I just remember what it was like all those years ago: always volunteer, put out your hand and get to know everyone, talk to the new guy or gal (it’s a men’s meeting so no gals), participate, help set up, help tear down… make it your home. My home group is equally active – we are sponsoring a Traditions breakfast next Saturday morning and a mens retreat in April – these things take a lot of planning, meetings and volunteers. being involved in them is helping me to get to know some of the guys better – what they like, their sense of humor… it’s good… but it’s a meeting before the meeting or after the meeting each week (it seems) and follow up emails and tasks here and there. No malcontents at the meetings either, they all seem to want to be there and be a part of it – to serve.. I like that – I’m very busy.
I’m sponsoring three guys, they’re all willing (currently) and it’s like going through the steps again myself when I’m doing it with them – it’s really been not only refreshing but a good firming up of the foundation – I’ve had great conversations with these guys and some of them have made me see things differently than I have in the past. Three sponsees means three nights/days of meeting with them and only one of them is on a meeting night – and that doesn’t include the studying, I try to be prepared too. I have to think about them, I try to text them and see how they’re doing and it keeps me out of self. One of them just started a job as a waiter and he’s been learning how to serve drinks at the restaurant, he’s texted me and I’ve been able to relate my experiences from when I worked in the liquor department at not even a year sober. I don’t know how people have so many sponsees. I’m very busy.
The new job is nice so far, I have a lot of new systems, terminology and techniques to learn – todays trainings were sometimes pretty fast, and it served as a good reminder to me that sometimes when I lose patience with others while trying to show them things that I think are common knowledge… that maybe I should be a little more considerate and slow down a bit, just cause I know it doesn’t mean everyone else is on the same page – as my sponsor says “I don’t need to be at the front, I can slow down and enjoy the ride” – I’m very busy.
I’m making an effort to go outside and enjoy what’s around me more, I’m a city person… I’m comfortable in the big city with the noises and people and fast cars… but a beautiful park is just a couple blocks away and I can go there and walk and try to keep my head clear – and sun, beautiful sun… warmth…. – I’m very busy.
Working with my new sponsor I shared with him something that I hadn’t shared with anyone before. Not something I was trying to hide, but something that lay buried deep down inside my consciousness. It gnawed at me this fall when it surfaced, pecked at my brain and festered, rubbing me wrong and bringing some beliefs into question. I debated if I would even share it with my sponsor at all, I asked him to be my spiritual guide and here I was debating on whether I could be honest with him… first I debated in my head and then actually told him I didn’t think I could share the one thing… I shared two other things that I considered easy… but the third I wasn’t sure up until the moment I opened my mouth if I could do it. I was very uncomfortable, I was scared even… a little of myself for keeping that inside for so long, more at myself for not trusting a process that I’ve seen work on other issues (I even almost cried, but kept that in). But in the end I did share it.. as a good sponsor, a good human, he didn’t shun me or tell me I was stupid for what I shared… and only a teeny part of me thought he would (fears are irrational) .. instead he comforted me and assured me that we’d walk a road together to find an answer… and that seemed to be the right thing to say… While it still lives in my head – I don’t seem to notice the gnawing and pecking anymore, almost as if it’s lost its power over me… imagine that – I’m very busy.
When I’m actively involved in my own recovery, getting out of self, following a few simple rules… things seem better. Why I forget that I don’t know, but I do. Personally, I hope I stay very busy.