I want to buy a big gun, carry it with me everywhere; frequent Chick Fil A restaurants and white churches in a rainbow shirt with it slung over my shoulder. If I feel the least bit threatened I’ll pull a Kyle Ritenhouse and just shoot people. America!
I am afraid. I am an unabashed atheist and homo. My country has just re-elected a “man” that is a direct threat to my freedom.
My country, the so called “land of the free” has opted to have a rapist, racist, homophobic, narcissistic pedophile for a second term. A con man who has a playbook written out to destroy our democracy and enact theocratic policies. A tyrant who is planning to deport several million immigrants that came here looking for the American dream – that which has become a nightmare.
The Democratic Party and Independent Party (if there is such a party) need to begin now with plans for the future – did you fuckers learn anything yet? have you grown a pair? Do you have any potential candidates that aren’t approaching 80…. It’s time to stand up and fight back like you have never done before. Don’t let this monster push his agenda through. Learn to play dirty… but also start grooming your candidates for the future. If you can’t fight, if you’re too old or too weak to defend your constituents then get the hell out of the way. Don’t run Kamala again, give us new blood, give us the inspiration and hope we had with Obama.
I’m for a younger generation of leaders, people that still recall the sting of their student loan debt, that remember trying to survive on a minimum wage. Let’s find some common strength in youth and actual values.
I have friends who didn’t vote, or those that didn’t pick anyone for the Presidential part of their ballot. These people either “didn’t know enough about Kamala” or “didn’t think she would be respected”. Did they not know enough about Trump? Did they not see the way the other countries laughed at us his last term, except for Russia, his friends there. These friends may think I’m over-reacting and panicking. I may be.
I may not.
If White Christian Nationalism continues to gain in power it wont be long until they come for me. To silence me, to jail me, to end me. Believe as they believe or suffer the consequences, act as they want you to act and keep your opinions to yourself. You think censorship stops with Jeff Bezos turning off the Washington Post voice? You think their idea of “god” and religion are just going to let you believe the way you want – ha.
Today on Facebook many of my friends turned their profile photos to black. I have many friends and many of them did so. I did so too. I’m mad. I’m serious about the gun thing, at least about getting one. I want to be able to defend myself when they come for me. I’m mad and folks that didn’t vote. I’m mad.
The monster that was elected – a felon, a rapist, a racist, a fascist and more. A man who has insulted every sub class of America and threatened violence upon his enemies, firing squads I mean really. “Oh, he didn’t mean that” Sure Jan, sure. A threat to the promise of America an end to a once beautiful democracy.
You can’t watch that, read this, or do that. You must do this, pray this way and worship this God. You can’t eat that, smoke this or drink those. I’m afraid that’s where we are and where we are headed if white Christian nationalists continue to meddle in the affairs of everyday man and woman.
It’s not just book banning and burning by people in southern states that worry me. It’s small rights being assaulted in many jurisdictions across the country. Small laws here and there or school boards pushing agendas into schools contrary to science and literary works.
Here in Virginia there is a relatively new law mandating websites that contain porn requiring them to verify the age of the viewer before granting access.
SUMMARY AS PASSED:
Civil liability for publishing or distributing material harmful to minors on the Internet. Creates a civil cause of action for any commercial entity that knowingly or intentionally publishes or distributes on the Internet material harmful to minors, as defined in the bill, and that does not take reasonable steps to verify that the age of a person attempting to access such material harmful to minors is 18 years of age or older. The bill also clarifies the definition of “sexual conduct” so that it is neutral regarding sexual orientation for the purpose of crimes related to prohibited sales and loans to juveniles.
PornHub, a Canadian owned company, streams various genre of porn on the internet. In response to the law enacted in Virginia, and other states, they have restricted access rather than complying with the bill which would require serious overwatch of personal data and change of infrastructure of their site. PornHub’s statement to Virginia users follows:
This law seems unconstitutional to me – not only violating my privacy rights, by making me share my ID with a company, but also my right of anonymity that allows me to surf the internet anonymously.
and
I enjoy porn occasionally, I’m not addicted or anything. I’d say I access a porn site or two maybe 2 or 3 times a month at most. I know there must be people that are daily viewers and some that are indeed, addicted to the services offered. To be fair there are numerous porn sites taking no action as a result of this law that I can access with no hoops to jump through. And I’m pretty sure I had paid my subscription right before the law came into effect, so there’s that.
But I say it’s a responsibility of the parents to monitor their children’s activity and restrict what they can and can’t do on the internet, not a corporation.
It’s a silly thing to take a stand on, I know and I may face backlash, criticism or mockery. But it’s another right that is slowly being taken from us. Another set or other peoples morals and beliefs being thrust upon us.
It won’t stop with porn, or the books they find offensive…. your rights are at risk and they’re coming for them.
It’s been a long time, but I read Animal Farm when I was a kid and I recall the slow, seemingly small changes that happened that no one thought would matter. But in the end all the rights are gone, things deteriorate and the pigs can’t be distinguished from the human oppressors. This kind of thing is happening now. Our rights and freedoms are being attacked by a loud minority. People who’s goals include their brand of government, religion and rights.
Please pay attention, yes there is a big orange elephant in the room, but there are small battles being lost that will impact even you and your rights happening in your own backyard.
if it is very interesting to use talk to text and preparation for my shoulder surgery which will happen on March 18. I’ve been trying to use just my left arm for the past few hours and it’s a challenge.
I worked in the accessibility field for seven years a few years back. And I always knew about the need for accessibility in websites but never had the need for myself. Using this tool which Apple created for me I can type a whole new web post.
but it’s a challenge because I keep wanting to use my right arm to do things like brushing my teeth or opening a pill bottle or opening a bottle. Period. And even this isn’t typing exactly as I would like it’s a tight but I’m doing the best I can with what I have available.
a friend of mine just reminded me that one of the challenges will be wiping my butt with the other hand now that is probably too much information what is this something that you have to think about. I did recently purchase of the day which is going to help with all of that oh the day b.i.d. ET oh well that didn’t type as well as I would’ve liked it too but I think you catch my drift. And all the controls for the day are on the left right hand side which is another thing that I have to worry about it will I reach over with my left hand to take care of it I don’t know and every time I say but they are types of the day.
and my big concern is a really are getting any work done and playing video games. No I know those two things are vastly different in what it is that I’m trying to do but those are the two things that occupy most of my time. I really like playing video games and I do think there are some accessibility settings in world of warcraft which will allow me to play the game with the left hand. So that I’m not too worried about I even went so far as to purchase a left-handed mouse which will arrive tomorrow that I’m going to practice with here at home and maybe I can get one for work as well.
it’s funny to try and do things that you normally do with both hands are with just your right hand and then try to do them with just your left hand that’s interesting it’s up I struggle for lack of a better word. Like for instance I made my coffee this this evening for tomorrow morning to prepare before the night I prepared in the night to make sure that I have it ready for the morning so I can just push a button and brew the coffee. Opening the fridge to get the filtered water opening the coffee container to get the grounds entering all of that into the machine with just your left hand was entertaining enter.
I do have friends were going to help me and I’m thinking that I’m going to have my my medication is prepared and one of those little pill reminder things settle be easy to just get two rather than having to open the pills each and every day. I’m planning ahead for Lasso little things like that that’ll help me to prepare for when I can’t use my right hand so I’ll be more prepared to get by without it.
I do sleep on my right hand side even if I start on my back on my left hand side I end up on the right hand side so I’m not sure how well I’m gonna be able to do that and if it’s going to interfere with my sleep as well. I’ve been trying to stay on my back but sometimes in the night you just roll over in their yard but I imagine if I’m in pain I’m not gonna be able to do that until wake me up.
navigating the computer has been interesting you I’ve had to learn a lot of new phrases enter commands to get it to do what I wanted to do. But I’m getting the hang of it or so I think.
can you take some things for granted that normal people just do every day edit isn’t until an event like this that you realize how lucky you are. There are people without hands without arms or legs or other disabilities can’t do simple things that we just do every day. It’s nice that Apple and other software companies and such have made tools available so they can participate in computing ark writing or similar activities and I know that there have been good advances as far as prosthetics that allow people to do things that otherwise they could not.
so it’s probably just me whining a little bit here and there about what I’m going to go through and for all I know I may not be as bad as I’m anticipating I am getting a little worried here and there about what’s gonna happen in pain management and mostly getting bored I’m really worried about getting bored.
today at the office I put in for time off for the surgery. And so far I’ve only requested a week off. I’m not sure if it’ll be longer than that or not but I wanted to be prepared just in case I have somebody covering for me to handle all my tasks well no not really some of my tasks which is nice because I was worried about that at all be meeting with some bosses in the next week or two to plan accordingly for some of my other tasks.
physical therapy is currently scheduled for the first week five times that week the second week three times that week and then we’ll see evaluate after that and see what else we need oh I just reread it and it’s three times a week for four weeks and the first two weeks at five times a week that’s a lot and I’m not sure if that means includes the time that I’m going to be doing the work at home because I do plan to do the exercises at home as often as I can without you know hurting myself more. Because I figure the more I do them the sooner I can get back to the office and play video games yet. Priorities people priorities.
anyway I’m not sure how many more possum gonna make about this but I’ll make some post after the surgery to let you know how I’m doing keep you updated on the pain threshold and my progress with physical therapy and movement of the shoulder area. If you get bored with reading I do have some other post you can read back I’ve been doing this for about 15 years she can read some past posts and comment on them and like them and share them I get other people read them that would be nice of you. After that
this post has not been edited or proofread it’s just how I talked it and how the computer interpreted my words
My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.
First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.
In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.
AFTER LIFE
When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.
If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.
In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.
REMAINS
I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.
I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.
When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.
Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.
BELONGINGS
I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol
The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.
Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.
Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦
Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.
Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.
Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.
I think that’s it… not much like I said.
FINANCIAL
There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.
MY FRIENDS
Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.
I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.
I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.
Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.
MY FAMILY
It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.
My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.
My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.
I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.
IN CLOSING
I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.
My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.
I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.
Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.
Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.
Yesterday I spent some time looking at old posts. I’ve been writing in this blog for about over 15 years now, so there is a lot to go over. There are some stories I don’t recall writing and when I look at them they don’t appear to be something I would write…. like this post on some stories I was writing: Stories I don’t recall those stories and don’t see them in my drafts folder so I’m not sure where I got them.
I do like the short story I wrote, Max, but I think it may be a bit overwritten I’m not sure. The end bothers me some, but it’s a good story overall and I like it. I like the idea of this story The Extractor.
There is this story which is a little odd but has promise, but I feel no connection to it, like I didn’t write it. It’s odd. Or this one which started out so well and then stalled. A lot of my stories seem to stall after a bit, I get bored with them. Sure I have a way to continue them but I get bored and think the reader will be bored as well. I have to find a way to keep my own interest along with the readers.
Most of my writings are about personal things and not made up stories. I write in this blog a lot of recovery stuff, very sternly and strict teachings as I saw them. Work, driving, health, tests, school… a lot of stuff about me and what’s going on.
At the bottom of each post WordPress puts three or four stories that may be akin to the story/post you just read. It’s a nice way to jump around my blog and see what I’ve written and maybe how I’ve improved in my writing.
I wanted to post something today, and this is a cheat cause I’m linking to old stories, but I still count it as a post. 😉
It’s been a little over five months since I published my story “Walking Away from AA” where I talked about my decision to leave Alcoholics Anonymous after almost 22 years. I stated then that I didn’t have a desire to drink, but I had a desire to be more honest and truthful with all aspects of my life.
Being sober – living a life without drugs or alcohol – is for me. It’s a cheaper life, more enjoyable and less messy… things I need and want. Belief in a “higher power” or “faking it until I make it” aren’t for me, I can’t live that lie anymore. I gave it a fair shot – lying for AA, lol.
I can’t study. Or maybe I don’t know how? I’m uncertain. Maybe I forgot how.
I once studied to be a police officer – had to learn about laws, guns, and algebra. I studied and recopied everything they gave me to prepare. I memorized guns by their shape and abilities. Somehow I passed the written tests to become a police officer with 80% all around (even math)… then they asked me about LSD and I told them the truth – so they said I couldn’t be a police officer. Was kind of sad I suppose. (I think everyone should do LSD at least once, was my favorite drug and I’m fairly certain it’s not physically addicting) (more…)
It’s no more the rebel flag; than Columbine was about trench coats or rape is about clothes girls are wearing.
Its about living in a culture where its ok to hate others based on their religion, gender, sexual orientation, race disability or a million little things that people hate other people for. People hate entire other religions and races because they were taught to. People somehow learn in “religions of peace” that it’s ok to discriminate, they condemn other lives because they are different than theirs. Our entire culture creates schisms between things that are one way and things that are another way – it’s painful, it’s hurting us and we’re letting it.
“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.” Dennis Leary
A friend posted an article on Facebook the other day “15 Things Alcoholics Anonymous Can Teach the Church” and I liked it, but I’m rather anti-religion and pro-AA (even though some courts have ruled AA a religion and I can see that). Number 10 in that article is “Don’t shoot your wounded” and it says “Judgment or the perception of judgment is often felt in churches”.  That’s often what I think of when I think of churches – hate, fear, demonizing.
In some respects this can be considered a true statement. The KKK considers itself a “Christian” organization and they think they teach “Christian” principles. Al Queda, Isis, The Westboro Baptist Church all think they teach their idea of “God”‘s principles too.
We teach girls how to keep themselves from being raped when we should be teaching boys how to not be rapists. We have politicians that blame and entire religion for terrorists acts that happen domestically and abroad. We focus on the color and stars of a flag instead of the tragedy and how we can do a better job (NRA has great spin department I think).
I know many old people that hold prejudices that they’d held for decades. It was taught to them when they were so young and now it’s the only truth they can see. This worries me… but then I remember what I’ve seen in Alcoholics Anonymous – where we teach love – where human beings who once were the most desolate of society rose up and became contributing members of society and sought only to help another man.
Today we should mourn. We should reflect back on the lives lost and the good they had done. We should look to the future and see what we can build now, learning from this. We need to teach a message of tolerance, love, hope to the country.. the whole world.
Start with me. Start by being open minded to things different that I am. Start by reaching out and sharing my experiences with others, letting them know I’m not so different than they are and we have a common bond. Â Start by being a better human being… start by loving, giving, helping.
But don’t focus on a flag – sure it’s in poor taste, but it didn’t pull a trigger, it didn’t share hate… it just is. It has power when you give it power…
It’s really kind of hard to believe, but I quit smoking almost 9 years ago (Jan 1, 2005). It was very cliche, I did it as a New Year’s Resolution…. and I had tried countless other times to quit and not one of them took.
I think at the time the main concern was how expensive they were getting – I think they were a little over $4 at the time and I kept thinking it was going to to up and up (and it sure has). I had decided enough was enough (but I always thought that before quitting) and I meant it (like always) so I went out and bought Nicorette gum, the lozenge, and the Patch, I even ask my doctor for a Wellbutrin prescription. An extra step I had taped all over my bedroom and bathroom “You Can Quit Smoking” so I’d see it constantly. I also purchased a hypnosis/positive thinking tape (yes, cassette tape) that I played each night before I went to bed.
As the New Year approached I kept doubting I could do it, I wondered why I even bothered. Hadn’t countless attempts before failed at getting me to quit? Yes, but I was determined this time (like always).
I didn’t use the gum that day, the lozenge or the patch… I just stopped and gritted my teeth through it. The first day seemed so hard, the habits of when I’d light up were there with me – when I’d step outside, after eating, after sex, during commercials… I was always smoking it seemed and the first day was so hard to get out of that expectation.
I was grumpy for probably a month, but I had a lot of support of friends and coworkers who kept on encouraging me… before I knew it I no longer had the cravings or the desire to have one at all.
There was an immediate downside – everything smelled – whether good or bad I could smell all kinds of things I hadn’t before – car exhaust, bad breath, good breath, perfumes… and most of all smokers! Ugh, why didn’t anyone tell me how awful I smelled and how my breath was rancid like that? Probably because I hung out with other smokers, it became evident to me why some guys wouldn’t date a smoker and now I won’t date one.
There are still days when I consider a cigarette – after a really good meal, on rainy fall days, during movies with lots of smoking.. but I resist and remember how expensive it is (holy crap how can you afford that?) and how bad people smell.
I tried to quit a million times, I didn’t think this time would work either – but it did. Don’t give up, keep trying if you’re trying and eventually you’ll make it. I think after the first few months you’ll be happier, I know I am.
My 42nd year is coming to an end. In ten days it’s my birthday… I don’t really want to be anything except 42, I liked it. After all 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything… Â I guess all things must change or die – hard choice that one. I think I’ll be 42.A for this birthday, I’ll ask my math friends (I have some, really I do) if there are clever mathematic equations that look cooler than 42.A.
Typically for my birthday I would head to a warm destination, sit by a pool and do nothing. Now I live in a warm destination (supposedly – it’s only 46 out this morning) and I don’t know anyone with a heated pool. I’m not flying anywhere, not likely having any fancy meals or doing anything. Â In past years instead of gifts I’ve asked for people to donate to charity, sometimes I even picked the charity to give for my birthday. I had all I needed and there seemed little need for more things.
Now though, it’s been tough. I’m struggling financially, juggling things around and stressing out about it – I’m not supposed to do that anymore ( fear of economic insecurity will leave us ) and I know I can get rid of that fear, but it seems I keep asking and it’s still there. I’m taking action about the money thing – trying to find other income streams and cutting back on costs of a few things I can live without. I’m weighing all my options which is going to lead to more change before too long.
There was a leak in my patio door and rain seeped into my bedroom – half the carpet was wet when I awoke the next morning. Every article of clothing in the bedroom closet was wet. Several books I had out are warped from the moisture. For four days a blower was in my room drying things out. Yesterday they came and cleaned the carpets, now the carpet was wet the entire bedroom. I’ve had fans blowing in there all night and I slept on the couch for the fifth night. I’m going to have to rewash everything and take the dress clothes to the dry cleaner again.
I’m letting someone else’s fear and paranoia affect me and make me paranoid and distrustful and damn if that isn’t a horrible place to be. It’s contagious and I’m acting on those fears out of instinct. Fear is not a nice place to live and I don’t like having it around me. I think about when I was drinking and using, how I’d go to bed at night (or early morning) and just lie there thinking about all the horrible things that were coming to pass or that I had done and just lie there not sleeping . I don’t have that, the fear isn’t that bad I can still go to bed and in moments fall blissfully asleep, for which I’m thankful. But I find myself dwelling more than I should about the future, the present and people that I have no control over.Â
The cost of the recent dental procedure wasn’t covered by my dental insurance at all, I wish Obamacare would have effected all insurances, so I had to do a dental credit plan with them. The recent surgery I’ve only gotten a bill for $20 so far, I hope that’s it but I bet that too will be bigger before to long.
I’m still new here, but at meetings several people in recent weeks have come up to me and talked to me like I’m a newcomer… I’m patient with them and listen intently to their suggestions about how to stay sober. A part of me wonders why they can’t tell that I’ve been around a long time – it’s the fear I think. It’s the worry that I show on my face, newcomers have fear all the time, but I’m not supposed to. There is a guy, Chris, that goes to meetings that I do and he brings his Big Book with him, (refreshing change) and he reads along when they read HIW or the Promises and he reads when people annoy him, lol, I need to bring my book but I fear I’d read it all  through the meeting. I’m still looking for a “Home Group”, I get close sometimes, but I haven’t found that meeting that I really want to be at yet.. I miss my DC home group and those folks quite a bit.
So it’s almost my birthday, please send money, job opportunities, or a rich handsome man my way (he could even have bad breath and chew his toenails).
