Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Random Rantings

  • Moved

    I am almost all moved in – all the essentials are here: iMac, Superman stuff, clothes, soaps, AppleTV, coffee, insurance magazines, some dishes, too many shoes and me of course.

    It’s a nice little two bedroom condo – Anne has the bigger room with the attached bathroom. I remembered in the middle of the night to slip on my boxers to go to the restroom that I get to use.

    We have a balcony, breakfast bar and our own laundry stuff… all very very nice.. and track lighting which I understand is an indicator that someone is gay (some old movie I think).

    I am about 4 miles from the office, the other apartment was under 3. Right next to Papago Park which I enjoy walking.

    Now I get to start unpacking and arranging things which is fun. I haven’t had a dresser so I’ll need to think about one of those or hang all my clothes in the closet. My bathroom is very spacious for all my colognes, moisturizers and such… which is good.

    Anne already invited a guest to stay with us, her best friend has been here since Friday before a trip to Oz – she seems nice.

    I always like to think my favorite color is blue, but the majority of the stuff I own is red or black so maybe it’s red… who knew?

    I have until the 17th to be out of the other place and I’ll get the rest of the stuff out one piece at a time, maybe when it’s cooler and I have some energy back.

     

  • Towel Day – Hoopy Frood #towelday

    Towel Day – Hoopy Frood #towelday

    Today is Towel Day across the globe, mayhap the universe.

    What is towel day you ask?

    Towel Day is the celebration of the life and works of author Douglas Adams. He’s the guy that wrote my favorite book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

    “Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.” Douglas Adams

    The story begins on Earth – Arthur Dent’s house is about to be demolished, he had just found out this news the day before, seems the plans for this particular bypass had been stored in a deep, dank, dark basement with no electricity. He had been up all night drinking and was quite upset that he wasn’t able to get this nonsense stopped. (more…)

  • Fatigued Funnies

    I didn’t sleep much last night. I went to sleep around 11 and thought it would be a full night of rest.. but a little after 2 I was wide awake lying in bed hoping to fall back to slumber. But sleep won’t come when you want it to it seems… So instead I got up and did some reading and some work… and headed to the office. I think I got there a little after five…

    Anyway, it was a long day and I spent it doing my normal stuff.. you know: creating chaos, listening to people whine, shaking my head while reading emails from co-workers…

    Anyway I started to run out of energy around 3 today at the office and laughed at things that weren’t all that funny… that’s a nice thing I guess and laughter is good for you they say.

    it continued tonight when I arrived home – I laughed for a good five minutes at this picture from Facebook

    deleted image

    I’m trying to stay awake for another hour or so, in the hopes that I’ll sleep through the night, watching some old episodes of Castle and it’s making me laugh… and a cat meme… and a lot of silliness

    I hope you’ve had a laughter filled day like I have – sweet dreams.

  • The Language of Driving

    For the past couple of weeks I’ve been collecting different things I tell other drivers on the road. I figure it might be helpful to share this information with the rest of the world… because knowledge is power. These are just a couple of weeks worth, I assure you I have many more.

    “What the Fuck are you doing? why are you going so slow? 45 not 35!!! Look there is another sign, see the big letters in black? that’s the third sign since you got in front of me”

    “Get in the turn lane to turn, the turn lane… omg what’s wrong with you? Oh wait, you’re from Minnesota… still stupid as fuck”

    “why didn’t you get in this lane to begin with, plan ahead holy crap buddy you were just beside me at the light”

    “You’re all a bunch of idiots, what are you doing? It’s a cop on the other side of the freeway – you’ve never seen a cop before, he likes to do the speed limit too – move those vehicles”

    (more…)

  • Choker

    This morning on the way to the office I stopped at the grocery to get some healthier alternatives to the chips I tend to snack on there. I grabbed some grapes, bananas, carrots and two apples – It wasn’t all for me I was sharing with folks. I rinsed off the grapes and set them and the bananas on the kitchen counter and alerted the work folks that they were free for the taking and then I went to my desk with a snack pack size of carrots, the two apples and my bottle of water.

    Everything was going fine, I was attaching emails, answering the phone, fixing erring printers…

    (more…)

  • Fire Hot

    So I’m cooking things… well, I’ve always cooked things – soup from a can, tv dinners, pot pies, grilled cheese, pizza… that’s cooking right? There was also rarely a need to cook anything – my Mother cooked, my Ma cooked, my ex-roommate loved to cook – but I’m not the best person to cook for (picky eater) so they didn’t get to cook with the flare they all had really… But now I”m trying to cook other things.

    My fire alarm in the apartment is extra sensitive and seems to go off on anything – I have the fan on the stove, the bathroom, two fans blowing out the window and both windows open and still that thing is going off… I swear its not really smokey… well maybe a little but come on… I’m learning here.

    In the morning instead of some really great tasting cereal I’m making 2 eggs, sometimes i put em in a tortilla. I have difficulty with the yolks, I like it to be runny but not raw and I have issues flipping the eggs just right and sometimes I’ve not had them cooked where I like em… and if I break the yoke then I just try to scramble em… eggs are hard and I’m not a fan of hard eggs.

    I’ve been cooking steaks for myself too. Between YouTube, Wikipedia and my old roommate Gary it’s been going ok. The first few steaks didn’t turn out quite right and I stuck em in the microwave cause they weren’t done… then they were too done… but I’ve gotten better, they’re very flavorful and not well done (which is how I used to like them 18 years ago or so… ). I’ve had frozen veggies with the steaks, mostly I love Green Giant Buttered Corn… omg so good (don’t look at the calories on the box or the sugar count, just eat it) but sometimes green beans, peas, and mixed veggies (no fuckin’ lima beans in my mixed veggies… those things are nasty).

    Tonight I was cooking and it was a rather thick steak – I think that’s part of the problem, thinner steaks might be better to start with to get em how I like – and it wasn’t done quite right. I’m reluctant to do the microwave thing again after the last time. The pan I fry em in is safe in the oven up to 400 degrees so I thought that would be a good move. I placed the pan with the steak still in there in the oven after preheating it… great idea. But my mind saw that handle and decided to grab it… thus the title of this blog “Fire Hot” … ouch, burned my hand a little bit. On the bright side my reflexes are great… dropped that thing like a hot potato … which then splattered grease on my legs, my kitchen and my arm…. yeah… great cooking night tonight.

    I think next I’m going to branch out to chicken… my ex-roommate used to make chicken breast all the time and I loved those.  I’m not a fan of sauces, so i’m not likely to branch out there or do anything that has nasty stuff in it (Nasty stuff includes but is not limited to: mushrooms, mayo, asparagus, dressings, soy sauce, cheeses that smell like feet, Chipotle… oh sorry, I was listing nasty things and that just came out).

    Maybe I should take a cooking class, just for some basics… I don’t want to try out for Top Chef (love that show, couldn’t eat any of that stuff) but I’d like to have a better understanding of what I’m doing. A class isn’t likely to keep me from grabbing hot handles and at 44 if I’m still doing that it’s too late for me.

    Anyway – Note to self: Fire hot

  • Ding! 44

    I dinged Saturday, turned 44. Don’t feel any different, probably won’t for the rest of em either. I started receiving birthday wished a day early and a co-worker even saran wrapped my cubicle items… was a good day. Friday night took a nap after work – forgot to turn off my phone, so it was a short nap – friends calling to wish me a happy birthday (for my 40th birthday I was awakened by someone on the east coast around 3 a.m. when I was in Hawaii, you think I’d have learned to turn that thing off).

    Saturday morning sleeping in – forgot to turn off my phone again… so there you go – self-imposed crisis I could neither postpone nor evade.

    I did what I wanted to do for my birthday – not much of anything. Video games, comic books, spicy food… naps. yeah, I had a good day. next year though I think I’ll return to Fort Lauderdale, I miss being there for my birthday.

    Anyway, here we go starting another year of my life. This past year was much better than the previous – has a lot to do with the new sponsor and a lot to do with the new job, both are things that have helped me immensely. Here’s to continuing on that path.

  • Neglect

    I was at a meeting a few months back and a guy shared about how he tended to lose girlfriends when he wouldn’t pay attention to them, didn’t show up, only showed up when he needed something or neglected them. They’d likely not be very happy with him and he’d have to work hard to keep the relationship or lose them. He then related that to his higher power – that’s how he sometimes treated his higher power, just there for his own purposes when he wasn’t busy or if he was in a jam. He asked us,  was that a way to continue to have a healthy relationship with that higher power that you need to stay sober.

    I honestly thought it was a pretty decent analogy – but all through his share I was applying it to the home group (not the higher power). I think a home group is the same way – if we treat it with respect, attend regularly and love it (I use Chuck C’s definition of love “service – giving of your self completely expecting nothing in return”) it’s going to continue to grow and prosper. If we fail to attend regularly or only show up for the spot check sobriety stop when we’re particularly resentful it’s going to lose its specialness.

    If I don’t water the plants each week at the office they’ll die, maybe not today or tomorrow but that lack of sustenance is what it relies on. We have to treat the things we need in life – in life – the same way. Is this thing – this job, this meeting, this person – something I want to continue? Is it something that I would like to stay around not just for the benefit of me, but for the benefit of others? If so, what am I wiling to do to help that continue – to help it grow, change and bear fruit?

    Sometimes I get all full of self-righteousness and don’t want to do all the work that’s required for these things. I’d like to sit back and let other people shake hands, clean up, set up the meeting – I’m pretty grumpy when that kind of thought process is going on, but I do still get that way. I can be silent, frown a lot and rub my “no questions” tattoo… but it’s really me that’s screwed up. I’m letting imaginary feelings and misinterpreted words screw with my serenity.  I can fix it, sometimes I fix it in a snarky way… but usually i fix it by giving of myself, expecting nothing in return. That whole being selfless thing is what helps make me a good person again – when I’m full of self I’m not really me at all… (don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry)

    Tonight a bunch of old friends and I were texting and something we loved is changing or dying. There was some finger-pointing and some blame placing… It saddens me.  I’m well removed from the area now, so it’s probably easy for me to sit back and not be emotionally invested, I haven’t been a part of this thing since I moved really. This thing we created though… it changed me (and I fought it tooth and nail), it gave me new friends (and I don’t like people), it gave me new experiences…. I’m pretty happy that happened. I wish I could save it but I don’t live there anymore and as much as I wish it otherwise – I’m not a superhero.

    My friends who are there – thank you for being my friends, I’m so glad we created this thing and grew with it. If you save it or let it go – maybe it’s not a choice for us…. either way, it was an experience.

  • An Origin of Fear

    When I was a lad growing up in Wisconsin I heard about the dentist – I don’t recall if I heard about it from my big sister or from the kids at school. They made it sound like the most unimaginable horror (they said it was a scary place with a mean man) one could encounter. A part of my wondered why we had to go to these places at all, it hardly seemed fair, what did we do to deserve such a thing?

    What really stuck out in my mind was “The worst part is the needle they stick you with”.  My developing mind took that into consideration and I decided I’d avoid the worst part by just refusing to let them stick me with the needle. My logic was flawless – to avoid the worst part just refuse it. No one explained to me at that time that they were injecting a numbing agent into me so I wouldn’t feel the pain – and no one was going to convince me of that now, I know they’re just mean.

    So there I was at the dentist refusing the needle that would hurt me. The dentist was flabbergasted – I just wouldn’t let him near me with it. He tried to reason with me but I wouldn’t have any of it, I knew it was a ploy. The dentist, in all his adult wisdom thought I’d change my mind as soon as the drilling started, seems logical right?

    But I was living in fear, sure this hurt but the fear of the pain of the needle the “worst part” had me hang in there. I was in agony, no tears though…. this was a victory. When the dentist finished he told my mother I sat through things he’d seen grown man cry about with Novocaine – she didn’t understand why either and as a child it was hard to explain my logic to adults (they never seemed to understand).

    Every visit to the dentist was the same – I’d refuse their needle and I’d get mad at them when they’d even put that peppermint cottontail in my mouth – I knew what that meant. Eventually the dentist got to know me and just didn’t even try. No screaming, no crying… just hold on tight to those arm rests and be ready to rip them out if need be. Isn’t it amazing what a kids brain can do?

    When I was an adult, after years of going through that kind of pain regularly, I decided it wasn’t worth it at all. Alcohol was more important than the dentist at that point anyway, who cares what my teeth look like? That was until one wisdom tooth rotted and had to be pulled out – I still refused the Novocaine and the dentist thought I was nuts (new dentist) and I likely was.. but I made it through that too. (that guy pulled out that tooth with a pliers, I swear he did)

    All this led to when I was living in DC and broke a tooth – I was pretty frightened at this point of the dentist and I’d talk about it at meetings and my body temperature would rise when I’d start to even think about going. A member of the program suggested a good dentist and I took a chance… this dentist was very calm, kind and convinced me to try the Novocaine… but not before I had several anxiety attacks could I be convinced. (it helped that he was pretty to look at too).

    I’ve gotten better at this dentist thing. I have to constantly remind myself to lower my shoulders (they’re up to my ears), breathe and concentrate on something, anything else. I can sometimes meditate at the dentist, just calmly take myself out of the situation and truly relax… it’s crazy.

    This Thursday morning I’m heading back to the dentist, I need two crowns (old fillings are cracking and breaking my teeth). So I’ll go and remember all my tricks and let them give me anything they want for the pain… and I honestly think I’ll likely be at work after it’s done.

    I’m not living in that fear anymore – I’m free of it. (although the co-worker who had a root canal and developed an infection last week kind of freaks me out…but I can get through that too…

  • Curiosity

    “I love you” he said

    “Why do you say that?” James asked

    Smiling down at the child he states “I say it because you fill my heart with joy”

    “How do you know your heart is filled, is there a meter somewhere?” the boy asks, looking at the man with curiosity and half expecting a gauge to pop out of an arm

    “You just know” said the man “it’s a feeling I get when I see you, when I spend time with you”

    “If you didn’t spend time with me this love would go away?” James asked

    “No, no” chuckled the man “I’ll always love you”

    Love, James decided, was a complicated thing

    Another thing he struggled with understanding – love, fear, sadness, hate. People would often say they “missed him” but their explanations and definitions of missing weren’t logical at all – how can just the absence of his presence affect anything at all – that’s not how the universe works. For things to be affected something has to be there and he was nowhere near those people who “missed him”.

    Humans, James decided, were a complicated thing. (more…)