This morning on the way to the office I stopped at the grocery to get some healthier alternatives to the chips I tend to snack on there. I grabbed some grapes, bananas, carrots and two apples – It wasn’t all for me I was sharing with folks. I rinsed off the grapes and set them and the bananas on the kitchen counter and alerted the work folks that they were free for the taking and then I went to my desk with a snack pack size of carrots, the two apples and my bottle of water.

Everything was going fine, I was attaching emails, answering the phone, fixing erring printers…

I chewed on another carrot and started to cough, and cough and then it started to hurt and I coughed some more. I heard people asking if I was ok, and I tried to answer but I was having some difficulty. One of them asked if I needed the Heimlich maneuver, she might have been serious… I found I couldn’t grab a breath enough to cough out this little itty bitty carrot from my throat… I had chewed I swear. I couldn’t get my breath and I looked over at my two co-workers (I had stood up at the time) and I was really alarmed that I couldn’t get a breath and I was going to die here in front of this stupid printer with them gawking at me… and really the embarrassment of choking was what was going to kill me, I wanted to die… i’m not a fan of being a spectacle (and I was keeping people from working which bothers me).

Finally I managed to cough up whatever it was and I could breathe again… but it was pretty scary. Next time I’m hoping I die I’m going to skip over any notion that involves suffocation… no fun at all.

In hindsight I really really was mostly concerned with other people seeing me be helpless. that’s what it boils down to, I don’t want to come across as if I need help… not with work, not with recovery, not with love or even breathing… I’m a sick, sick man. If someone steps in and does something I was assigned to do I take it as a personal affront, that I’m not pulling my own weight or incapable of completing the task at hand (they were likely just being nice).

The jokes from this are funny, and also inappropriate….

Trying to be healthy is going to kill me – between bicycle crashes and carrots I’ll be dead in a few months

With all the things I’ve slid down my throat…. a carrot piece is going to do me in? they’re going to take away my gay card.

That was my excitement for the day, everything went downhill from there, boring regular stuff with air.

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