Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: iJamez

  • Time

    I had dinner tonight with an old friend – we both talk about the rapid growth of gray hairs in places we still have hair (that’s old) – and his daughter who might be coming out this way to go to college. He now lives in Maryland, but he’s a friend from WI high school, when I moved to DC it was nice to have him there and even though I didn’t get to see him all that often, when I did I always enjoyed it. Tonight we had some small talk, a good meal, and some laughter; it was just nice.

    It does make me reflect on how quickly the time goes now. Back in high school it seemed we had eternity to do all the things we wanted to do, but looking back now (some 26 years later) it seems like it just flew by and we missed it all. We didn’t of course. He spent 20 of those years in the military and I wasted six of those years in drugs and alcohol before starting a new life sober. He created families and I created new friends, he continues to cheer for the Green Bay Packers and I knew better…

    But tonight sitting there with him, pausing before I say his name (I want to call him his high school nickname, but it doesn’t fit so much anymore) each time, I see my old friend with his black hat and blue car in Galesville just living and doing and being. It’s nice to have friends like that, I’m fortunate that I have him, and others, that I think of in that way.

    –

    Last night I had dinner with another friend – from Washington, DC. I know him from the rooms of recovery. He’s a great guy and comes out here at least once a year to visit other friends. I can expect to see him pretty regularly I think. It was nice to sit with him and talk about old times and current times and fear (I asked him about steps 6 and 7).

    I spent 15 years in DC but that time seems to just crawl at times – not necessarily in a bad way.. but like I was there for a year or so and driving by the Pentagon I was struck by where I lived, and the significance of that place… I had driven by several times before and even been in for an interview, but that one day just stuck out and grabbed me.

    But I can look back at helping Gary to set up the dial-up internet at the house and how exciting it was, and the next day there was DSL (that didn’t work most of the time) and then cable the day after… and all that happened in a blink of an eye and the longest of years (trying to connect with dial-up or diagnose a DSL issue took decades).

    It’s hard to believe that I was there that long but at other times it seems I just got there and felt so scared and alone in the big city and before I knew it I was gone, off on a new adventure on the other side of the country.

    I want a time machine to go back and advise myself to

    enjoy

    taste

    savor

    risk

    live

    love

    hope

    dare

    forgive

    forget

    cry

    and maybe not to get one of my tattoos… maybe.

    I think as time goes by I become more of an old softie… all I really wanted to be was a curmudgeon.

    Time and friendships… never enough of both and especially together.

  • Step 5 – Exact Nature of My Wrongs

    I shared my inventory with my sponsor tonight – I think this is the fourth time I’ve done a 5th step in 20 years. I was raised in AA that, or at least I heard, we do one 4th step and any other inventory is covered in step 10 – this could bring about a ton of debate about what’s right or what’s wrong, suffice to say I can’t go back and change any of that, and it worked for me…. until it didn’t.

    The first time was at RTC, a treatment center in LaCrosse WI. They had me fill out some booklet of questions about the worst things I had done or something along those lines, I didn’t really understand it and when it was time to share (Step 5) the religious minister/priest whatever they had come listen to it with me wasn’t all that engaged with me. He said when I was done “Is that it? Do you feel better now?” and that was my 5th step. I didn’t feel better, was still pretty confused and wasn’t at all comfortable with the robe wearing guy. (more…)

  • Rage

    *I don’t know why but this was stuck in my head and had to get out*

    Another long day at the office, he missed the sun again – in before the crack of dawn and out after sunset, and for what? So that asshole boss can point out his shortcomings again and again. If that supervisor had come to his desk one more time he would have throttled him. There’s got to be a better way to make money, there just has to… been at this job for ten years now, think they could treat him better.

    At least the commute home has less traffic at this hour, the last thing he needed was to sit in that shit for hours – horns blaring, idiots shifting lanes back and forth like that extra inch is going to get them any further.

    The bills are still piling up, even with this extra over time. The wife’s going to be nagging on him again about needing more for this or more for that. Who knew feeding three kids could be so expensive – especially the teenager, and now she has a car – jacked the insurance rates right up, never mind additional gas and worrying about her – always damn texting and talking on that expensive phone. both of them could get a job that paid something instead of their lazy ass part time jobs… probably won’t even be dinner on the table when I get home

    The radio station keeps playing the same tunes over and over or it’s commercials, all the damn stations have commercials on at the same time – where’s the good rocking tunes that he really needs to help him unwind after that shit day?  Back when he was a kid there was good music, not this crap they play all the time today – what he’d pay for a good station that knew what to play and when. But nah, they’ll try to sell us more crap and different cars that are all crap and cheap manufactured music that makes him want to vomit, fuck where are the good tunes?!?

    That asshole is right on his bumper and the lights glaring in the rearview, did he just flash his high beams? Fuckin’ asshole, I do not need your shit today – he thinks.  He starts to speed up, just to get out of that guys reach, some people are just assholes.

    The car keeps up with him, flashes it’s high-beams again and again at him. He taps on his brakes, that’ll teach that mother fucker, he thinks. Then he hears the horn and the brights are on him again… son of a bitch  – he seethes, knock it off fucker

    For miles this continues and the hate just brews inside him, the fury grows to the point of no return, he opens the glove box and draws out the pistol – this fucker is going to pay, and pay good, he states.

    He slams on his brakes and jumps out. The car behind him comes up just short, tires screeching, he pays not attention and goes straight for the drivers window, raises his pistol and pulls the trigger

     

    BLAM

     

    And in a brief moment before the noise can even register in his brain he sees his daughters face on the other side of the glass – horror stricken then shattered glass.

  • One Year Later

    A year ago tomorrow I moved to Phoenix from Washington DC., can’t believe it’s been a year already, time just seems to have flown by.

    I feel at home here… it’s not the weather… ok, it’s partly the weather…  They turned on the AC in my apartment complex this week and just a week or so ago turned off the heat as it was too hot … yeah, I don’t miss winter in DC or WI. IMG_3331 (more…)

  • The Fire

    On fire with AA.

    I’ve said that about people before, even had it said of me before – usually it’s when they or I am expressing so much gratitude and love for the program that it’s almost too much … like an over sugary dessert, yes it’s sweet but it’s a bit too much almost evangelical. But since the beginning, and I’m taking the liberty of speaking for others here as well (I’ll ask for forgiveness later), there has been some kind of burning since I got to AA.

    At first there was just the spark, a spark of hope – the flimsy reed, that gave us a light to walk towards. “Maybe this AA thing can work for me too”

    that spark ignites the first flames in AA (No, we’re not speaking specifically of gay men… but maybe them too) – we get a sponsor, we start participating in the meeting and maybe start relating to others experience.

    Our sponsors and our group leaders feed that small fire, they put logs and kindling on it – they give us commitments to group and we soon have a hearth, a  place where our fire usually burns – a home if you will.

    When we finally get it, when the solution encompasses us we burn brighter and brighter, hotter and hotter and attract others, they see this roaring fire and are drawn to it, they want the warmth and comfort that we have created.

    Once in a while someone will come along with a poker (mmmmm) and stoke the fire, sending sparks here and there and igniting other flames, a torch has been passed to another who will build their own hearth.

    Yet sometimes we can forget to feed the fire, we can forget to participate and keep it going – maybe think the fire will sustain itself – we aren’t sharing anymore, its ours we want to just sit there in the warmth and be comfortable. No logs and the fire starts to die down. 

    It’s still comforting there, people see the flame and want it, it’s pretty, comforting, attractive – but its slowly becoming smaller and dimmer.

    When the wood is burned up and the red glow of the embers is still there, we can still get a little warmth, we can still see the faint glow of hope – but to share it we really need to stoke the fire – we have to have participation and share our fire to keep it strong.

    I don’t think there are things that can douse an AA flame once its been started – you hear countless people who go out come back and say they remembered the hope they had found in AA and longed for it. I hope you keep your flames bright and comfortable today – and maybe share a spark.

  • Belated Celebration and Update

    Click this link up here Belated Celebration and Update.

    My friend’s chemo is finally over – but they still have the medical bills to pay. Donations have helped them immensely and more donations would help right now – If I had more to give I would and I’d do the same for any of my friends (and on occasion, strangers – if they’re cute enough… no cute doesn’t matter, well… maybe a little)

    Please help my friend Jana and her husband Cameron… if the situation were reversed they’d help you – that’s part of why they’re my friends (big hearts).

  • Very Busy

    I’m reluctant to ever say:

    I’m Happy!

    even if it’s kind of how I feel… I’m a doomsayer you know, predict the end times for myself time and again, usually just in my brain (I wouldn’t want others to worry) and I know if I were to state such a thing a meteor would be plucked from its course and given a trajectory of my destination within the next day or so… so instead, lets just say:

    I’m very busy.

    much safer that way for all of us… depending on the size of the meteor it could have been catastrophic to a lot more people and then I’d feel guilty. My brain is a complicated place, I shouldn’t go in there alone.

    (more…)

  • Sports

    I’ve never been a big fan of sports – I do though enjoy cheering against fanatics teams (Green Bay Packers and Washington Redskins for example) just to annoy the fans. The olympics don’t really ignite any flames for me, I think about all the money spent, the hours kids/young adults spend getting ready for their one chance to win a gold – a silver, a bronze just won’t do, it has to be gold… and if they fail the first time out the chances of a second win 4 years later is harder… unless you’re a doping cyclist or on an NBA super team.

    So how i ended up being the water boy for the girls high school basketball team in Whitehall eludes me.

    Ms Matchey (I think was her name), was the assistant coach and asked me and for some reason I said yes… me, the loner stoner, hanger-headed outcast participating in sports (not actively mind you, just on the sidelines). I filled their water bottles, cheered their points, watched the games with mild curiosity and actually began to understand it. These girls were very good, they were fast, strong and could make a basket, nothing I could claim myself. I was there for practices, games, and in the locker room (though this did nothing for me some people were jealous) they were always clothed when I was there. I’d pick up the wet towels, I’d make sure there were new towels… basketball

    (more…)

  • Job Hunting

    Job hunting can be challenging, entertaining and frustrating all at the same time.

    I’ve had, what I think, are a few good interviews in the past week. I say that and remember interviewing at Children’s Hospital in DC back in 2000 – when I got to the interview it occurred to me that I had forgotten to wear my belt. I spent the entire interview obsessing about that so much that afterword I couldn’t tell if I had done a good job at the interview or not – I did get the job and it wasn’t until months later that I shared with them how nervous I was, simply because of the missing belt.

    I’ve been told by interviewers that I interview quite well, I have good anecdotal stories, fast thought out answers to difficult questions and I try to engage them in conversations. They even tell me I’m quite friendly and don’t come off as nervous (underneath, let me assure you I’m a bit nervous). I spend time before interviews now reviewing potential questions an employer may ask – and I rehearse examples from my past that give them an idea of what I think they’re looking for. I come prepared with questions that I want to ask, and I have quite a few in case any of those questions are answered during the interview process – they almost always ask after the interview “Do you have any questions for us?” even if you’ve actively engaged in the interview and asked questions during it – so be prepared.

    I’ve been bringing a nice folder along with me to each interview. It carries not only extra copies of my résumé and references but somewhere I can take notes, a sticky note or two and an extra pen. You never know what you might need, I don’t want to walk in with a backpack full of stuff, but I want to be sure they know I’m prepared for any thing. I also make sure I know the names of the people I interview with and afterwards I support the Post Office by sending them a nice Thank You card.

    After a successful interview I was sent some assessments to gauge if I really can work with the software it lists on my résumé. It’s almost like this new relationship you’re about to embark on and they already are questioning what you’ve said you’re capable of. If I can’t work with the software I certainly wouldn’t put it on my résumé, but I imagine some folks do that kind of thing. The assessment gives you a version of software and asks you some pretty simple questions (I guess that’s my opinion) like how to copy, draw borders, insert a table, open a picture… Back in the late 90s or early 00s I became MOUS certified in MS Access and it looked really great on a résumé, but that test was more about simple Microsoft procedures than it was about actually creating databases (still I think it helped me land a job or two). I usually do these tests well, but usually the versions they are using are older than the software I’m using and unfamiliar to me now – this is why I score 93 and 95% and am disappointed.Unknown

    Then comes the personality tests, this is something I’m not to sure about when it comes time to them sending these around. The one I received in my email recently advised me that I could use Internet Explorer or Netscape to take the exam. Netscape? really? Fortunately for me it worked fine in Safari on the iMac. There are several different versions of these tests that I’ve taken but they all basically want to gauge what type of person you are and if you’ll be a good fit in the company. Sometimes they will ask the same question in a different way a question or two down the exam. Ask-The-Right-Questions--300x300The one I recently filled out asked in three different ways if I enjoyed spending time at the bar, which makes me wonder what types of employees they’ve had before. 🙂 The questions can be hard to answer, they expect you to answer honestly but the questions are phrased to trick you into answering specific ways. “I have never told a lie” for example, never ever? or “I enjoy being alone” well sometimes that’s the case, but other times I enjoy the company of others. I’m not a fan of these assessments, I can see why they might be beneficial but they could also screen out a great candidate.

    Then we have the waiting game. I’ve waited to hear back about an interview many different time periods – once I finally received an email six months after the interview, it was a “no” but at least it was an answer. The job market is full of other people, probably as qualified as you are, if not more so and it can take recruiters a while to go through all the prospects. I heard recently that a position I interviewed for had over 250 resumes, I was one of ten chosen for the interview process and there is a chance I could make it to the second interview process, we’ll see.

    There are many opportunities out there. Some of them aren’t for me, but I have to be willing to work towards the one I want and that means studying, preparing, researching, testing and assessing until I land it.

    Off I go, time to do more searching!

  • New Sponsor, New Work

    I’ve asked a guy here to be my sponsor. I heard him talk at a Sunday meeting I attend and could relate to his story quite a bit. He mentioned his home group – a big book step study – and invited us to join him there on Wednesdays. This was right before Xmas and when I thanked him for his share after the meeting I asked where to find it.

    Two weeks later I found myself at the Wednesday night Big Book Study and they were on step 9 – the lead referenced the book, the participants did too and it was a good meeting. There was even talk of traditions and a reading from a pamphlet.

    The group puts on a retreat in April, I went to the committee meeting about it and became intrigued. The next week i heard they were going to have a business meeting/group conscience so I went to that to help decide – it was then that I decided to make it my home group. I volunteered to be the Grapevine rep and joined a Traditions breakfast committee that we’re putting on in April.

    I’m excited to be a part of this group.

    I met the guy I asked to be my sponsor on Saturday morning to see if we both thought it would work out. We met for an hour and a half and chatted about all kinds of things. He has some different takes on things than I’m used to but I’m willing to listen and open to change. He has what I want – a knowledgable calm… best way I can describe it.

    He says we’re going to look at the steps together around “the big three” in my life right now… and my job is to identify them so we can begin… scary, interesting and challenging to me and foreign ….

    We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to change and grow.